Slow Destruction of a Slow Moving Object

I was searching for the words - "Dead End" on google when I stumbled upon a page which was quite empty and yet these words were there on it which made me realise some things : -

"The End of the Internet
Congratulations! This is the last page.
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

You must now turn off your computer and go do something productive."

Well yes the end of the internet. It's a net, with links, with each link you fall deeper into the rabbit hole, and where is the way out? Maybe some way out if one can find it. For those like me, it's a black hole, sucking away whats left of me, and its like those myriad creatures Pink Floyd talks about which are trying to tie us to the ground. While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistable pastime....

Why I am here? What am I looking for? What am I constantly searching? Who are the people here? I don't know why I am here....Where else would I rather be. I don't know...There is no where else to go I suppose. I havent been to too many places. Its like living a life in a bubble. And when the bubble bursts you dont have oxygen to breathe. I have always passed opportunities of living....And so no one else can be held responsible for that.

And in the end, its only round and round,and round....So what is here that we keep coming back for? It's not like anyone here would have a magic wand to solve your problems. And besides do you even know what your problem is? Its just a state of mind, its a just being dead. And the dead can only take people to the graveyard. Would you wanna take others to the graveyard with you??? Nooooo....I would wanna read a book maybe, but I dont have any. I feel so lethargic. I dont want to read a PDF book. I cant do that. I dont have the energy to do that. If someone could just give me the book - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. When was the last time you read a book without stopping?? Ummmm maybe Frankenstein, or alchemist, or DA Vinci Code....It's been long....

We have exams to give, and maybe a life to live. I wanna learn the guitar someday. I wanna build a Kaleidoscope one day. I wanna have a pet turtle one day. Life's running out though. Do you have the energy to do that rather than just keep thinking abt it? I doubt it......The Silence is just growing on me, and you can see it too. I am just not doing anything, and hence I am not able to talk abt anything. Am I wasting my life? I am....

Joining orkut last year was probably one of the horriblest thing ever. Seeing all those bright lives jsut evoked feelings that I cannot possibly comprehend. Don't look into other people's albums, they have Quad Bikes in them, and happy smiling friends, and things that you possibly cannot understand. You wont understand, how is to be caught between two worlds and you belong to neither of them, and then you go nowhere, stuck right there in nowhere. I can't explain, you will not understand, this is not how I am....Have I become comfortably numb?

It was that Quad Bike Picture that triggered the deletion of my orkut profile. I am most certain of this fact. But why? I dont understand that....That's not a world a belong to anyhow. No, but it wasnt like jealousy, it was more like, what have I got to show for 23 years of life? Nothing? And what abt the world that I possibly could have been part of? Well that was my personal decision or rather lack of energy drive to be friends with people whom I knew, but somehow I would rather know from far away ....so its all my fault again, like always ....And then why do we seek something when you don't even want to keep it?? I don't know.....Keep erring kiddo...

God in a Box

(This is a fictional story and any characters that have any sort of resembalance to any person dead or alive is a mere coincidence and never intended by the writer)



God in a box watches this world....

My head is spinning. Or the room is spinning. Or maybe the whole world is spinning. I haven't been to work for 6 days now. My mobile has ran out of power after the barrage of missed calls and messages from them. The last one I read yesterday was maybe - "Ur fired if u don't show up today". Why haven't I got up today?

God in a box runs this world....

Why havent things changed all these years? Why am I asking myself such questions? The landline phone is ringing, I havent picked it up for 3 days now. Last time around it was my mother, she wanted to know why I havent been replying to any of their calls or messages and why haven't I come home. I don't quite know why. Empty beer bottles on the floor are staring at me. Last sunday was it? Yes....I suppose, I have lost count of days now. The shopkeeper was surprised too. He's probably never seen me picking up beer...

God in a box guards over us....

Scenes from a movie. No....It's more like a distant past. I think so. Maybe....
A girl - You know what.....I think I love you...
A boy - Ok.
A girl - ok? Is that all?
A boy - What am I suppose to say?
A girl - I....nothing I guess.....
A girl - I love you!
A boy - Are you sure?
A girl - I am sure, are you not sure?
A boy - I don't know....What if it's not love and just some temporary phase...
A girl - I don't know....
A boy - I am not ready for love....I need to find about my life first.....
A girl - I am sorry, I was just kidding....
A boy - Yeah, thank god! You got me there for a moment....

And then darkness faded over, and I cud'nt quite see the girl and the boy. Who were they? There's still some beer left in that bottle, but its too far, I can't move...I need to stand up and turn the light on. Stop this madness. You've gone too far. Return to the sensible world. What would the neighbours think? Get up....wash ur face....

God in the box makes us stand....

I can't get up...But I have to. I somehow make it to the mirror. It's dark. But there's light streaming into the room. I can see my face, but I don't really recognize it anymore. I look hard into my eye, is there anyone still there. Don't help them to bury the light, don't give in without a fight. Noooo, what am I fighting for....I turn on the light, I haven't seen light for days now I suppose.

God in a box gives us hope.....

Maybe I can find her, and she can help me understand. It's been five years. I haven't talked to her in five years now. I need to drive over to her place....I am in no condition to drive...I think I can....I check my clothes....I wash my face, I stare at my face.....I get the keys....I lock the door....I walk down the stairs....

God in a box forgives us.....

I haven't driven for days now. Can I handle this thing? I can, I think so.... Illuminated roads, illuminated cars, illuminated souls? Everyone is rushing back to get somewhere...Home? Yes home definetely. Where's my home? I could'nt call that my home, and I could either call that my home. Strange isnt it. I am getting old and I need something to rely on. Why are these songs troubling me? Just get them out of my head please...

I have been driving for almost an hour, and here I am. This is supposed to be it. That's her apartment. It's festive season. Lights all around. Not my lights though. Isnt it amazing that sometimes you can run the whole 99 miles, but at the last mile you stop and wonder - why exactly am I here? Makes no sense. Butterflies in my stomach. What if she's not here anymore? What if she doesnt even remember me? What if she's married by now? She said - "whenever in your life you get drunk, you call me up!" I promised that and I am just keeping a promise I suppose...

God in a box is trapped in the box??

I ring the bell? Will it be her? I dont know! Butterflies....No....It's someone else.....It's her parents.....She's died six days back....

God in a box is not in the box......

Wrecking the Life : Fault Finding and Much More

This Sunday I saw Gandhi My Father. A movie which looks behind the public life of M.K.Gandhi and looks into his personal failures as a family man. The movie was pretty nice and emotional. A sad tale of a life gone wrong. A Life Gone Wrong.....I think I want to analyse these words in coming days too...

Midway through the movie, my cousin remarked to me that Isko dekh kar chacha ki yaad aa rahi hai (Seeing this reminds him of my father)! I cudnt agree more....Almost throughout the movie I was trying to glance at my brother's face, who was sitting a few seats to my right. I wondered if he thought the same thing I did...I don't really know.

Gandhi never really understood his kids, and it made for a tragic family story, and he is said to have renounced his family!!! Can you do that?? I wonder....

Well, being a good person is never the same as being a good parent. Though it probably gives you some score, but that's just not it. It takes a lot of skill. Papa always failed to understand either of us. And he always kinda pushed us back, telling us we can't do this, we can't do that. And never kinda encouraged us to do something new, something good. I think whatever good we were capable of doing as kids died way back then.

It wasn't sort of a fear or anything from his side. But I dont know if it makes sense, but it was a feeling of not upsetting him by our actions. Not that he ever got angry or anything. Infact I have hardly ever seen my father angry, I have seen him upset, but never angry. He never kinda was happy with our achievement nor was he sad at our failures. Ummm, he kinda never really tried to reach out. I think its easy to say kids lose their way cos of bad company but I think its a parenting failure. Well thats a debate that has been for a long time, and I am nobody to deliver the final verdict.

If I could ever go back into time, I would like to go back to 1993 and start all over from there, and maybe I would try to fix up things that went wrong. Maybe I learnt from my brother's experiments from life, and I completely closed up on life. I just hope everything goes well for him, and I got a super friend in God to pull me up whenever I am at the lowest, so I think I can survive. Just hope for the best :)