Monday, November 30, 2009

..........................

I am a bloody looooserrr!

I am really annoyed with myself..

I am such a coward

I am really a weirdo

I am feeling really terrible

I am not really up for life

I am not really gonna survive

I am going to sleep

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Uncommon Sense (Sigh!)

Here we go again. Maybe I have been criticizing others a lot during the past 1-2 weeks. It's got me in a fierce flared up mood.

So, here is what gets me ticked off - LACK OF COMMON SENSE. It's supposed to be common right? Or am I being a snob? Maybe yeah, I was telling myself to back off a bit, and be a little more polite, cos life has this funny way of saying BOOYA, IN YOUR FACE.

Ahhh common sense! Or rather the lack of it. It just infuriates me. Maybe it shouldn't. Because common sense is uncommon. But then, it sounds common, so I take it to be common. So if people applied half their brains then they would get all the answers to their problems. (See I am being a jerk again! I am even writing like a jerk now!)

But geez, I am in such a fierce mood to not forgive. It's been bad actually. Last 1-2 weeks. Since this mood kicked in. I don't really know where I get this idea that somehow I am smarter than most people I meet. But its this jerky attitude thats really alienating me from most people.

But its nothing new in my head. I have had it forever, as far as I remember. I never really had friends. And the ones I had wouldn't last for long. It was always because my best friend was my ownself. So, no one else could meet up to those expectations. I know I am pathetic too. But I don't know what creeped in. But then people around me have lately shown very little sense. So, I have ended up telling them that exactly. Sometimes not really politely. Sometimes my tone has been insulting.

Damn! So, I am this idiotic snob (just the thing I wished I hadnt become), who doesnt have friends, cos most of the time he thinks he smarter than other people. What a JERK! Sounds like a big one to me. So, would you rather have me dumber?

I ain't a genius, but I ran across a nice little article :

http://uncommonsense101.com/

Geniuses differ from learned people. Education is an accomplishment, and it will open doors, but it doesn't do much for a person's 'uncommon sense.' Education, for the most part, has been reduced to knowing which answer goes on which line. Amongst the throngs of people who now have that piece of paper that tells the world 'this person knows which answer goes on which line' and those who do not, are some people whose thought power is so much greater than common that they can describe things that will boggle the minds of the others without trying to boggle their minds.


Maybe, you don't need to discover that E=MC2 to be a genius. But then maybe I could be stretching it. Geez, I should delete this post, lest someone think I am narcissistic.

Yeah I know I aint a genius, but this article has some notable points to look at.


P.S.- Or maybe I am just going crazy. Shit, its really kicking in. This craziness. It's just running all over my mind. I am running out of people to talk to or call, so I come here to babble. Maybe this blog will throw me out too....


Random After Thought : Lest I forget, we write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. I just re read my first post. It sounds really good.

Not so Random After After Thought : I google everything these days, EVERYTHING! Even what people say, or what I think. FYR, I just googled - sgcray is an asshole! There should be no after thought today after this, I hope.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Maybe We'll Find Better Days....

You know, writing this blog on the laptop is no fun. I just don't enjoy it. I like it here, in this room, sinking in this chair, and looking up to the monitor (which apparently has changed), listening to alternate rock, and at best in winter. I have some memories of many nights in the same setting. Winter of 2006-07 and 2007-08. Those were really creative times.

There was one night I heard - "Look What You've Done" more than 20 times non stop. And then was another for - "Stuck in a Moment". Some songs just seemed to last the whole night.

Friday was another day at office. Another day, another fight. I realized the futility and vanity of all that fighting. I want to things the quality way, maybe my quality way, which is sometimes not really quality either. So my idea of right is anyhow flawed. Which I might add is any idea of right. Nothing can ever be right a hundred percent. And maybe I just think too much and want to change too much at the same time. It's not a city building game, where you can demolish and build all over again. Somethings just can't be undone.

Are you such a dreamer to put the world to rights
I'd stay home forever wherever two and two always makes a five.


If you try to decide to put the world to rights, then maybe you were never meant to do that. It's like putting to motion an snowball, which rolls and then becomes gigantic, and you cannot foresee its effects. While you might say that all you did was roll a small snowball, it just became too huge for everyone down under. (But then I wonder if my not throwing a snowball could also have a similar impact?)

Random Thought : So, one day I was thinking, if I was allowed to meet one person in the whole world, dead or alive, ever lived, who would I like to meet? I thought and thought and thought. And I just couldn't come up with an answer. A musician? No, I like their music, but what would I say to them. A writer? Douglas Adams? No... what would I say to him? Then? Some scientist? Why would he wanna waste his time to meet me...

And thats when it struck me. I would like to meet a person, whose answer to this question would be me. Somebody who would really like to meet me. I don't think right now anyone in this whole world would really like to meet me. I don't think anybody in the whole world actually thinks or likes me at this moment. God! Thats really awful, but that's just me. Geez... the pressure of a wasted life....

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Finally Resigned....

Geez... the last 4-5 months have been hellish. I have spent numerous days, nights, afternoon contemplating the day I would resign from this company. And finally it has come.

Everything started to go wrong around the time Amit left the Team. And then Mahua left the Team too. And suddenly I felt all lost, and my eyes kinda opened. What the hell was I doing here? I was happy writing queries, and solving stupid issues, which never seem to end. And to work on a system that seemed to be getting complex by the day. And then I could never understand why I liked my work in the first place.

Geez.. I was a chartered accountant (I think), and here I was writing complex PL/SQL queries and procedures and what not. And fighting managers cos I wanted to improve the system and they didnt give a damn to usability. Why? Why was I so bothered? How the hell does it matter to me? Well it somehow did. I spent almost 3 months aimlessly trying to find out everything on wikipedia. From Hitler to Nostradamus to Let there Be light and to every possible phrase that was coming into my mind. Everything was being googled and wikipeded. And I spent the best part of my day doing that.

Then I ran away from office at 4, and spent the best part of the evening searching for Jobs at every location possible. I was interested in Tanzania too. Seemed like a wonderful place to me. But somehow nobody wanted me. I put myself on discount too. Take me up, and I might reduce 10% off my current CTC. Everyday on my way to office, I would mentally write my Resignation Mail to the team. On somedays it would be a polite goodbye, on others it would be a scorcher. And when I wasnt daydreaming or googling, I was busy fighting bosses. I had tons of fights. I just could'nt understand why they wouldnt release me from this project when I wasnt doing anything. But then thats TCS for you.

Meanwhile there was a side flank fight for my confirmation letter and salary increment. That didnt matter much though. But I kept fighting.

Finally last week on wednesday, after returning from office at 4.30, and taking another saridon for my splitting headache, I found what I was looking for. No this job would not send me to egypt. Nor will it send me to Bangalore or Hyderabad. Nor will it pay me more than I earn currently. But it just seemed nice enough to leave this company. It seemed like a job I wanted, and I could do well at. A Financial Analyst with Ernst & Young. Nice profile, nice company, same location, and lots of work. Yes sir, give me work, and lots of work, that just seems to keep me occupied and happy. Yes I am one of those stupidly hardworking employees that never seem to tire of work.

So, when I finally told Manoj to initiate my seperation process on friday, I just couldnt hide my smile. Its been really tiring, and I just hope that this next place turns out to be better than here.

I guess I have literally fighting all my way through TCS, right from the start. And yeah that has given me tremendous confidence. I can take on anybody. Yeah!!! :)

Well..now I have a month to write a nice goodbye speech as I serve my notice period. And then its astalavista baby!!