Saturday, December 26, 2009

It's Getting So Cold!

It's that time of the year again. Wishing season. I would like a few wishes too. Please.....

Did you die? There is no other way to tell if you are really alive?

I was re reading - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Snape's tale still made me feel really bad. I wish he got what he really wanted too.

I want a long holiday. I wanna quit my job and be unemployed for the winter. I would like to have old times back. I would like to have someone to talk to. These is so much nonsense that has been unsaid in the last few months. I wish I had someone to share all this nonsense.

For the first time since I left home, I feel like I should go back. I feel so tired....

There’s a heavy cloud inside my head,
I feel so tired put myself into bed
Well nothing ever happens, and I wonder
..

I am trying hard, but I am just quite tired. Why does one have to work? Couldn't we do something we enjoyed more. Though what would that be? Damn, I just screwed up again. Regret, Regret, Regret. Too much of it to be carrying around. Monsters inside my head are just eating me up. I almost had an anxiety attack at work and I was so close to crying. This is not what I want to do!! This is not where I want to be!! Monsters inside were eating me up... It's not going to work out. Why doesn't a bus hit me.....

My father is leaving for Japan within 2 weeks. I wish I could just quit my job and go to Japan. I kinda understand the importance of money now. The necessary evil. It's funny how the passing of each year is making me more reclusive and closed down. I wouldn't have done or said the things I did last year.

I also somehow stupidly feel that I shouldn't have quit my last job. I was comfortable there. Winter would have lasted beautifully there among friends. I just so desperately wanted to quit from there. But why? I don't know now. It was a really stupid decision. I am scared of going to office once more. It's like that school changing thing all over again. Why did I have to do that to myself? If I ever get through this once more, please remind me never to do it again.

I feel like crying.... I want time to stop. I want time to rewind. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want to do so much in the past. I have been such an idiot. Why do we always realize things when we can't do anything about them? It's just a terrible arrangement to have. Please make necessary changes God. Or please give me 3 wishes. I promise I won't wish anything for myself..... After all its wishing season once more......

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Who Am I?

You're lost little girl
You're lost little girl
You're lost
Tell me who
Are you?

I am really wondering who am I? What do I really want? And why am I not thinking more often about it? Why can't I be free to be who I am? (That is after I figure out who I am). Do you get some kind of sadistic pleasure at trying to be this mysterious figure. Or maybe I am just born at the wrong place at the wrong time. Another compromise with dreams, with life, with myself. Another cage.

Did you exchange a walk on part of the war for a lead role in a cage?

It just seems to me that you are waiting for life to end. You wake up and go to office, and you want it to end quickly. Then you come back and you just want to sleep and the day to end, and a new day to start. Then you want the whole week to fast forward to the weekend. Then you want the weekend to end so that you can start a new week. Where do you want it to stop. Is there any exact moment that you are fond of in between all this? Or do you just wanna keep running, into it, out of it, over it, under it... and all other kind of ways that only you can imagine. You are just waiting for everything to end.

I am sorry for it.. but I just can't seem to do anything about it.


Just an After Thought : A person dies and then all that remains is his memories with people who he mattered to. And then those people die, and that person is forgotten into the oblivion. And then all the dreams, thoughts and acts of that person are lost. And then you wonder, if you wonder then, what we made out of that life?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Of "Shanelle" and Stuff

This was a new week in a new organization. God, why do they have these induction programmes. Its always the same - GMCS, ILP, here, wherever.

So just my luck again, it normally doesn't happen here, but on this occasion there are around 12-15 people to be inducted all the same time. Awful. More the people, more the nonsense. And then before you can even get a grip of what is going on, you discover that there are somehow Pre-Made Groups, which have imported into this organization.

The star attraction was this group of college graduated from SRCC. Three girls and a guy. Up class kiddos (not their fault!). And they really got on my nerves. I don't know why these kinda people do. One of them goes - Oh I couldn't find that dress at shanelle (Chanel for me)...and - have you had caviar....


Whatever....Maybe, just maybe, I don't fit into this corporate stuff. I can't fake it here. I really wanna be somewhere warmer, with people I am comfortable with (if they exist), and not talk about superficial things. There are these other people, who pretend to be who they are not, apart from a couple of them. And then of course there is this prettier girl, who will get preferred (she actually is), and people will wanna talk to her and help her out. If I survive the first 6 months here, a mental and a written note - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don't change your Job before 5 years atleast...

And then today the technical training started. It's quite different. I don't know if I will get the hang of it soon enough. I was actually trying to put everything in perspective with a Software Development Life Cycle. Funny way to look at things. But yeah its like relating things.

And then I got my seat today. It's at really awful place. Behind me sits a guy, who probably is a CA too, and he seems to be like a real suck up guy to me. Not genuinely nice at all. Then there are these 2 ladies sitting to the right. I asked one of them for help on configuring my system, and of course the standard reply was to contact the IT department. That's OK though. But then she asks me, why I haven't left as the cabs are about to leave. I say I live nearby. She couldn't understand, so I repeat again - I live nearby so I don't need a cab. She actually asks the other girl - What is he saying? THAT was incredible. I think I was speaking audibly enough and wasn't mumbling. And I went red in the ears. God! Kiddo, you are a grown up guy. Stop being embarrassed. The other girl of course wasn't as deaf, so she told her what I said.

So, there is more training till next friday. God help me.

This place is already started to get to my nerves. I don't think I will survive here...

Random Thought#678 : Oh yeah, I also realised that I have completely stopped watching television. I don't watch any from Monday to Friday. Wow! Incredible! I don't feel the need to watch television anymore. That's really weird. Television is like the only possible urban thing to do. I am getting really weird. By the way, watching television kills brain cells, provided you have any....