Currently I have this far off corner seat, with my back to everyone in the room, and in front of me a window. It's not a bad seat actually. At 4.30 pm each day, the sunlight diffuses on my desk. I kinda hate it when that happens. I would like more darkness. I used to switch off the lights in my previous office and work. Light gives me headaches.
Oh, I had my 26th birthday last week. For the first time in a few years, I slept long before it was 12 am on the night of 13th. I normally stay up and wish for stuff (that never seem to come true). This year I just didn't feel like doing anything. New year was the same too this year. No resolutions, no wishes, no dreams, no hopes.
Nothing hurts more than shards of broken dreams in your eyes. I cannot express the pain of being caught in between dream world and reality. Reality always wins. I always loose. It feels like this roundabout that I am circling. Once again we are back where we were. Worse now than then. At least there was hope then. It's not like I am not trying, I am trying my best, but its not working out. Somethings never work out.
He's haunted by the memories of the lost paradise
In his youth or dreams, he can't be precise
I spent an hour with my plant today on the roof. It's been around for 3 years now. It's not grown a lot, just like me. No lemons yet. They may never come. I have ignored it for the last year or so. And there I was chatting with a plant, and I didn't know what to say to it. You know, water is like a wall. I was throwing some soil into a plastic box containing water. And it was amazing how the soil just kinda burst upon touching the water.
We have this illusion of control in our life. Like we want to control everything that happens in our life. But there is no control ever. I can't control what goes around me, what anyone else does, or what happens to me. So why even bother trying. The more I try, the more friction happens, and the more I suffer.
Oh and yeah, winter is almost over. Now comes the real test...
(I didn't realize that I got a 'S' in the dark, from a very random picture I took from my cellphone!)
