There and back again....

(It's funny how that is also a quest in WoW I did yesterday for Brewfest!!)

So, its a restart once more tomorrow....

The music plays....
There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.


I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.


Show me a not so messed up future, and I will show you the Achievement - "Insane in the Membrane" completed!!

A night like this come so rarely these days. I wanted to write for so many weeks, maybe months. Has it really been so long!! (First week of June).... So where were you all these days. I was actually stuck in time again. It's this disease I have, where I choose to cling to a particular set of events, which I wouldn't just let go, and my past present future all revolve around trying to recreate that event. I voice inside tells me you are going to fail miserably. More miserably now then ever.

Up and down, and in the end... its only round and round, and round....
Black and blue, and who can tell, which is which and who is who....

I think you are trying to deceive yourself when you say that there is a plan. There might be none actually. You might be just searching for another hide out. Is that it? And this time it might be even harder. At 26, not many can claim to have failed their life. I can....

So just rewind the last 1 year for me a bit. I had a job, I didn't like it cos I thought I was capable of so much more. SI wanted to marry and get settled, and so I left an opportunity to go to South America. So, I quit my job and find a job thats in the same city. I say yes to marry a girl, and then I back out, cos apparently I feel my dreams are dying (whatever they are), and I lucidly convince myself to go in search of them (not in reality), and then I decide to go back to my old company, as I think that that's where my real destiny lies. That ultra bureaucratic company takes 5 months to get be an offer, and I drag those 5 months lost in WoW, and dreaming about a past that can never again be, as all those people that were in it, have already moved on. The old company offers me a salary that is just about the same when I started out 2 and a half years ago. I am gutted, but I convince myself its not about money. I say yes for marriage again, but this time the girl says no after saying yes. My family doesn't think much of me, and I've lost all my friends, and I am not keen on socializing. I am not so keen about marriage any more. I am not so confident as I was an year back. And now tomorrow I am joining back, and my first test will be facing people who started with me, and are now earning more than me, and would laugh behind my backs and say what a fool I am.

So who are we kidding kiddo. Tell me whats it about? You don't know really. I wish I did. I am just going back because I want to. There is no real reason for it. You are just disillusioned. Maybe I didn't deserve what I got in the first place. Maybe I am just being punished. Wouldn't you punish me for all I have done. I can take that. As that becomes an act of redemption. But its not that.

The giant board flashes in FFVII - "LOVELESS".... I hope it all flashes - "SPIRITLESS", "DREAMLESS".....

I was thinking I would give over my share of happiness to which people... Certainly my parents (I've hurt them a lot), my brother (I'd also feel guilty if I was more happy than him), and to that girl who's heart I broke (I never thought I'd ever be capable of doing that)... There is no one else, I think I owe anything....

I'd always be an outsider... There is no place I belong.... There is no one who would understand... There is no one I can talk to.... All I wanted was someone to talk to....

It's funny how I didn't intend to write this post like this. I'd thought I'd pep myself with how mature I have become, and how I'd change everything around. How in a couple of years my path would be clear and I'd find what I truly deserve... All Illusions....

The end of the world draws near.... Across the stars haunts me with its inevitable tone of pending doom....

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Don't die please... I'd like to try once more... I'd really like to turn it around... I've messed it all up.... (3015 achievement points isn't bad...but AQ40 still stands.... Mwahahaha....)

In better times you could be my friend