I think I am ok!

You just got pwned

2011-07-20T23:35:00.001-07:00

I cudnt think of a title. I was just thinking about my blog title. I says a simple line which means so much more.

What it says is I am ok. Not really. I think I aom ok. But I might not really be ok. I might be pretending to be ok. And what really defines ok. Ok isnt good or bad. Ok is just ok. You say I am ok to people that you do not wish to show your emotions to. Ok is a way of existence that is not very fulfilling. If you asked me, everything is ok. There havent been extremely happy eventa in my life in the last few yeara. Infact I cant remember a happy event ever. When I was truly happy. You know, pure bliss. So I am living a life thats ok.

I dont like my job. I dont like my family. I am not excited about my upcoming marriage either.

Dont it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

I am just disappointed. Not terribly mad to be honest now. I got past that realization of doom which occurred to me last winter. I am not guilty, I am not depressed. I am just disappointed with life. But to be honest if I dont know how will get out of here now. It could be excruciatingly painful slow death here. I have to have to have to run away.

Promise me you will. I dont know where but somewhere. Life's dying.

All you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Purpose of life?

2011-07-20T09:46:00.001-07:00

I dont understand the meaning of anything anymore. I am just tired. Very tired.

Whats the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

I screamed a lot today. I cant scream louder than that. Maybe I could. I wish I got hit by that car this evening.

I am just tired. When am I gonna get my due in life?

This is the last time

2011-03-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

Its been more than a year since I last heard this song. It has some memories too. This was the first Keane song that I really liked (apart from Bedshaped maybe). And I remember talking to Avi about it. I told her how I didn't really understand what he was saying and I made up the lyrics to sing it up. She admitted she did the same. That was the winter of 2006-07.

Years have gone by. I lost myself along the way. Made some crazy decisions, got them all wrong. And then pushed myself in a corner so that I wasn't in control of my life anymore. On how many days of your life, do you choose your career and spouse both on the same day?

The sun helps me to think better. As night draws in, my mind wanders, and I go into these crazy bouts. These days I have these flashing images of the past again. Its funny its the same time of the year, last year, that I was having these flashes. Do things have these cyclical patterns? Such random memories, such random people, such random days, pop in at any time. When I wake up, when I am walking up to my dreaded office, when I am playing warcraft.

I checked, I actually do have almost most of those chat memories saved. Funny. I was such a kid then. I couldn't read most of it. It didn't make sense. Was I pretending? Was that me? Was I creative, innovate, brimming with original ideas, or was I trying to woo a girl? I miss her as a friends a lot of times. The one person in the whole world that sort of got me. Whatever, its been like more than a year.

We all have illusions and delusions and they are all empty! --- Rodney A from Yahoo Answers...

Sleepwalking through life

2011-03-02T09:37:00.000-08:00

I can't find a title... no song titles, no Warcraft achievements, no quotes....

Listening to Northern Sky. It's such a nice song.

Tomorrow is sort of a big day. Not that big really. I have this interview tomorrow for a job that could get me out of a lot of mess. Hope it doesn't get me into more mess. I am nervous about it, and as a matter of fact nervous/excited about something after quite some time. I have given lots of interviews recently. Sleepwalked most of them, saying absurd things.

I have been sleepwalking through life lately, without a real meaning in life. There was no meaning earlier as well, but I wasn't so aware of it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Wake up each morning, struggle to get up and get ready. Sleep through to office. Somehow manage through each day, attempting to not do anything, just trying to get another day out of the way. Come back home, eat food, spend some time with Tromp and Klix, and sleep... hoping that tomorrow doesn't come. Rinse and repeat for 4 days, and on the 5th, forget about everything, and hope that this night doesn't end.

I can't see anything down this road to be honest. I can't see down any road for that matter. Having finally acknowledged that I am going through severe depression, I have just turned to anti-establishment. Life can be such a lonely affair, and in the end you are responsible for the life you live in. And no one owes you anything in life, those things that you thought were yours. And try explaining yourself to someone, no one has the energy or time. When you see the world through this unengaged lens, nothing makes sense. Why should I do it all?

But tomorrow I try to get that job, just to get out of this one. How does it help? Well for one, I just can't be put to line here, I am either going to be fired, or be a pain for everyone. It's just gone out of control. A new job, a new vision, a better field, a better company, a more respectful job, better salary. Downside is that its a job again, and that too among pricks, they could be terrible, selfish type A people. And worst the job requires to wear a tie. A promised myself once that I could never work in a place that requires to wear a tie. A tie!! Can you imagine, as if having my body & soul trapped in a cubicle wasn't enough, you need to have my throat constricted as well.

But so many promises have been broken. So many dreams have been lost. I am not sane right at this moment. But when my Sane half wakes up again, he will chide me for thinking like this. He will tell me - BE PRACTICAL U IDIOT. You have ruined your career, your family hates you, you have no friends, your co-workers laugh on you, and you still want to indulge in this crazy talk? Look what you have become, stop playing world of warcraft. Pay attention to where your life is going. You are 27, life has come and gone by.

He's right too, you know. I have horrible nights in the last few months. I have woke up in the middle of the night, unable to understand how it is that I reached here. And unable to find energy for staying awake. It's like Dante's opening lines. That tomorrow is a wonderful opportunity to fix it all. Please make it work out. And maybe some of my bitterness will sweeten. I am so scared of wishing for things now too. How can I be sure that what I am wishing for is the best for me? But I really don't have any more patience left. I really don't want to work in that place for another day.

No lyrics today... not enough time to find a line.... If I dont write by this weekend, I guess its another painful journey for the next few months.

In trouble with my soul...

2011-02-07T09:35:00.004-08:00

I am bothered with my soul
I am walking beside my shoes
Your questions pull and drag
A future which seduces
Don't let me breath

I am selling joy to pain
To convince that I am alive
I am feeding my own screams
With my thoughts so stupidly
Complaining with fear

In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told

I want to laugh at everything
But there are no laughter's left
I wave myself through the day
And I shout in empty rooms
Who made these rules?

In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told

(I saw deathwing today... looked cool :( )

Comfortably Numb

2011-02-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

I feel really alone lately.... really alone....

You know this time comes in your life when you are no longer a kid, and you are meant to act in a certain way. And I just couldn't cope with it. Now I just kinda live, but I don't really feel anything anymore.

I have absolutely no friends now, real or otherwise. Weekdays are spent passing time and office, and sleeping at home at night. Weekends are spent on sleeping and world of warcraft.

I came across this song today :

Life is bitter
A kiss could be so sweet
I've got a tattoo inside my eyes
For a girl I'll never meet

I have no one to share it with. I have no one to share my life with. I wish I could talk to Avi maybe.... But I guess she outgrew that whole silly nonsense talks.

And age is catching up on me, I'll be 27 in a few days. 27! Twenty seven! If I remember like 3-4 years ago, I would have never figured I'd be this way when I would have turned 27. A person completely uninterested in his life.

You know I learnt life's deepest secrets, but I still don't know what to do with them. Like how it's your life, and when you lie on your deathbed, you are not going to be answerable to anyone else but your ownself. Actually it's all very confusing, all kinda confusing theories. Another one says since life is short, you ought to make the people who matter around you happy. I am not doing either one.

I guess a lot of people would find it ridiculously funny and horrific to know that the reason why I didn't want to marry, was the exact thing that I refused to accept for marriage. But guess what, deep inside something tells me I'm not going to be normal ever again. Maybe I'd die at 27.

In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told

Look what I've become.....

2011-01-15T11:47:00.000-08:00

Of all the things I was capable of, this is where I am right now....

You would be very proud of me.... a liar, beggar, untrustworthy, friendless, covetous, broken person....

Discounted all my blessings for cheap trash....

Welcome to Hell....

Can any body find their home
Out of every one can anyone find their home
Lost in the sun can anyone find their home

Congratulations..... for a life you will always regret....

An empty life...

2010-12-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

I always wonder why I never had any happy pictures to put on facebook or orkut.....

I think I am reaching the end of my life very soon.....

Ghosts of the winter

2010-12-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

I asked for punishment, and I got it....

I really understood the phrase - "The dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had"

I could ask for anything these days and I would see it walk into my life, and watch myself helplessly unable to take it. Too feeble, too guilty, too tired, too unworthy. I don't know if anyone has ever had this in their life. God would say - Now don't ever let me catch you say that I never gave you a chance to mend your life. I gave you one after another this winter!

I don't know if I will survive this winter. I have had visions of me jumping off Tower B. I don't think anyone would survive that fall.

What I wake up each morning, is dreading each day. Messing up things even further. Confused, lost, alone. The real world is so hard to live with. I was lost in my own world for so many years, and now when I can't hide anymore, I am not ready for anything. Too scared to take up anything. Going over his decisions over and over again, without any real solutions. Breaking promises. Breaking hearts. Destroying credibility.

I was lost all my life, but right now, I am just beyond lost. I am stranded on a crowded street, with things running over me. My head will just burst. (Listen to the guitar finish on the The Bitter Half of Me)

See me standing frustrated
See me standing reject
Just a shadow with no name

I am crying because this isn't who I am. This isn't who I was an year back. This year killed me. I killed myself. It won't ever be the same. Life has lost all its meaning. Not that it had any earlier, but there was always hope. But now there is none. I realize that I failed my life. It's a terrible burden to live with. Nothing will ever make it right. The winter of 2004 was a terrible realization too, but there was always hope then. I would find myself, and freedom. But now when I have abandoned all dreams, they don't call out to me either. It's more a shame. Guilt.

Please don't ever meet me. I don't think I can look you in the eye. I don't look myself in the eye anymore. I find it hard to stay awake these days. My mind just keeps haunting me if I am awake.

Do you still want to go to Mexico?
Run away for a year
I don't know what will happen when I get back
I don't know whether I will survive the year
I might just feel very helpless there

Do you want to go the consulting firm?
I lied to them
I don't wanna face some of those people

Do you wanna join that manufacturing co.?
It's a very very long commute
I really don't know whether I will live the pressure of that job

Do you wanna join that construction co.?
It's an unethical company to some extent
Commuting is a problem there too

Do you wanna go to Hyderabad/Bangalore for Deloitte?
I am not very sure about it
I dont know anyone there

Do you wanna stick around where you are?
I am not doing anything here and there is no future

Do you wanna get married this year or not?
I don't know....

I just don't know what I wanna do you. Please let me sleep. Please go away. Come again another day. Please let time stop. Please. Please let tomorrow never come. Please turn it all back. Please.

There and back again....

2010-09-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

(It's funny how that is also a quest in WoW I did yesterday for Brewfest!!)

So, its a restart once more tomorrow....

The music plays....
There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.

Show me a not so messed up future, and I will show you the Achievement - "Insane in the Membrane" completed!!

A night like this come so rarely these days. I wanted to write for so many weeks, maybe months. Has it really been so long!! (First week of June).... So where were you all these days. I was actually stuck in time again. It's this disease I have, where I choose to cling to a particular set of events, which I wouldn't just let go, and my past present future all revolve around trying to recreate that event. I voice inside tells me you are going to fail miserably. More miserably now then ever.

Up and down, and in the end... its only round and round, and round....
Black and blue, and who can tell, which is which and who is who....

I think you are trying to deceive yourself when you say that there is a plan. There might be none actually. You might be just searching for another hide out. Is that it? And this time it might be even harder. At 26, not many can claim to have failed their life. I can....

So just rewind the last 1 year for me a bit. I had a job, I didn't like it cos I thought I was capable of so much more. SI wanted to marry and get settled, and so I left an opportunity to go to South America. So, I quit my job and find a job thats in the same city. I say yes to marry a girl, and then I back out, cos apparently I feel my dreams are dying (whatever they are), and I lucidly convince myself to go in search of them (not in reality), and then I decide to go back to my old company, as I think that that's where my real destiny lies. That ultra bureaucratic company takes 5 months to get be an offer, and I drag those 5 months lost in WoW, and dreaming about a past that can never again be, as all those people that were in it, have already moved on. The old company offers me a salary that is just about the same when I started out 2 and a half years ago. I am gutted, but I convince myself its not about money. I say yes for marriage again, but this time the girl says no after saying yes. My family doesn't think much of me, and I've lost all my friends, and I am not keen on socializing. I am not so keen about marriage any more. I am not so confident as I was an year back. And now tomorrow I am joining back, and my first test will be facing people who started with me, and are now earning more than me, and would laugh behind my backs and say what a fool I am.

So who are we kidding kiddo. Tell me whats it about? You don't know really. I wish I did. I am just going back because I want to. There is no real reason for it. You are just disillusioned. Maybe I didn't deserve what I got in the first place. Maybe I am just being punished. Wouldn't you punish me for all I have done. I can take that. As that becomes an act of redemption. But its not that.

The giant board flashes in FFVII - "LOVELESS".... I hope it all flashes - "SPIRITLESS", "DREAMLESS".....

I was thinking I would give over my share of happiness to which people... Certainly my parents (I've hurt them a lot), my brother (I'd also feel guilty if I was more happy than him), and to that girl who's heart I broke (I never thought I'd ever be capable of doing that)... There is no one else, I think I owe anything....

I'd always be an outsider... There is no place I belong.... There is no one who would understand... There is no one I can talk to.... All I wanted was someone to talk to....

It's funny how I didn't intend to write this post like this. I'd thought I'd pep myself with how mature I have become, and how I'd change everything around. How in a couple of years my path would be clear and I'd find what I truly deserve... All Illusions....

The end of the world draws near.... Across the stars haunts me with its inevitable tone of pending doom....

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Don't die please... I'd like to try once more... I'd really like to turn it around... I've messed it all up.... (3015 achievement points isn't bad...but AQ40 still stands.... Mwahahaha....)

In better times you could be my friend

WoW!

2010-06-05T02:41:00.000-07:00

So I have been trying to write for a long time now, but just couldn't find time. Not that I've been busy as such. Just that I've been occupied with WoW!

Yeah I mean, I finally discovered WoW! I really wonder why I hadn't all these years. It's made for people like me I guess. But then maybe I didn't have that much money to spend all those years. Maybe I could have last year. Yeah.

WoW is a pretty good time waster. It just takes up all my time. And I am just upgrading to Wotlk, so that's why I am not playing right now. Whatever. So this is who I am really, a geek, nerd. Whatever.

Damn! I am in recline these days. I don't even see the mirror that much anymore. Don't remember my face either.

Still no sign of making it back to TCS. I feel like quitting my job every Monday. This one is where I should do it. With no job lined up, its probably a really ridiculous thing to do. But then I just wanna be ridiculous these days. I might not get back to TCS after all. I might regret all my actions over the last year. I might just break down. I think I saw black light between my eyes just now. I am having black outs?

I am screwed up royally I guess.

Quit, don't quit? Noodles, don't noodles?

TOL : What's with Kung Fu Panda anyhow! I so love that movie. It's got undeniable wisdom...

People around me won't understand me quitting. It might be a headache to find a new job. I don't want a job that required me to wear a tie. I qualify for mostly those jobs.

Why can't you be flexible like the rest of them? I dunno! I am just not elastic, and I might break trying to be so.

Are you willing to start over from the starting line, and watch people who you started with earlier, so far ahead in the race? It's a race if you think it is, and then for me it could just be a walk in the woods, enjoying the beauty of it all. It sounds so wonderful, but its going to pain you so much, to see people who deserve less than you, get much more than you.

I don't know what I deserve any more....

For now, I just hope that this download finishes today. And I get back to playing WoW tomorrow. We'll worry about the impending doom on monday later.

To Isengard, To Isengard, To Isengard
Though Isengard be ringed and barred with doors of stone....

So you think you can tell?

2010-04-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it... Master Oogway said.

It's one of those pathetic nights when I am in tears again. I shouldn't be crying for a 26 year old. I am just lost. That's all. It's not always my fault you know. I have been dissuaded from taking risks all my life. And when I finally take a few, they don't go right. Great!!!

Coming back here was such a mistake too. Damn you!

This dysfunctional family isn't all my fault you know. Please spare me this torture. I hate them all. I hate all of them. I hate everyone in this world now. I wanna leave this place once more. Why did you bargain for something less than your dreams. Now you are this worn out looser. Look at you. I just couldn't make anyone smile.

I've had more miserable times than today. Just leave me alone. You just won't get me. Ever.

Why did my laptop have to fry??? Why? Why?

Its not all my fault you know. Stop killing me....

So where were you all those years?????

2010-04-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know.... Shit....

Zap...

And this is where I find you? No actually. I've met you along the way several times sometimes. Days like today obviously. Then you kinda forget me, and then we meet again.

I kinda feel sorry for you. I didn't realize. It's not really painful being Sudeep, cos he really doesn't feel much most of the times.

(Am I 30? Don't know why I feel 30 these days!)

How was your party when you passed out 12th? Ummmm.....

How was your graduation day? Do you have any pictures of that? Ummmm......

How did you feel when you became a CA? Ummmm......

How did you feel when you first told someone you love her? Ummmm......

How do you feel when you see your parents beaming proudly at you? Ummmmm......

How do you feel about having friends who care for you and are happy for you? Ummmm......

die!Die!DIE!

The dice rolled and it wasn't six. I didn't want six. I don't have six. I can't have six. Why do you yearn for six? But don't give me zero at least.

Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has.... How Embarrasing!

Each year gone past....

2010-03-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

Normally I hate to read what I have written. It sounds so melodramatic and over the top at times. But I just tried to read what I had written a few years back. I think I have definitely improved my writing style. I wish someone would confirm that. But then no one really reads this blog anyhow.

Whatever!

Steps in sand is reminded to be my this. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. Avi didn't believe that. She said that we have to remove the signs of our steps. I didn't believe that. I think if we ever go back, we'd be curious to find our steps, and if we ever by chance run across some forgotten steps, then it would be like serendipity. And we can sit there and stare at them. But then what fun would that be? What would that accomplish? But then what would anything accomplish. I realize the vanity and futility of it all each day.

I haven't had a crazy soul talk with anybody for months now. No one would understand it even if I tried. I sometimes wonder what really happened. I get no answers. But then yeah if I was 22, then the mere thought of NO ANSWER would have killed me day and night. Now it just doesn't anymore. I am ok.

Change is constant. We might be in awe or fascinated by a person or say his ideas. But that person is not constant. He or she is continously changing too. So its fair to say that we are fascinated by that time. And envious time does not hold back for anyone. So if we try harder then we end up ruining that time as well. Maybe I will get an answer some day, but I wouldn't bet on it. And I know the answer really. It's like - get a life dude!

So, I was watching Wall-E this morning. Just the ending 20 minutes or so. That was exactly my idea of love. Somehow that idea of real true love never seems to be quite real. A love which is not really physical, but love for the sake of love. I realized lately that I am scared of sex. And love for me was something different. It was like this feeling for true kinda love, that I just can't explain. I guess I always thought that I would be in love one day, that true kinda love, that just you understand, which is so beyond that physical kinda love. But then over the years now, the in your face real world has just shelled me too much. And then I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, and I just realize that I won't get that love really. I probably least deserve it either. Anyhow, its just some crazy idea that I can't even explain.

I am supposed to be working right now. But my eyes are really tired. I wanna say something but its mostly unexplainable. And thats why I am blogging here right now in the morning. Its crossroads all over again. And I am 26 now. 24 was better. 22 I was a kid. And 26 now I feel too old.

Tell me its all gonna be ok and I am gonna say its not.....

The Lonely Shepherd

2010-03-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

Luke 15:4 What man of you having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the other ninety and nine in the wilderness and go after the one which is lost, until he finds it.

Santiago sold his sheep though!

The world is too full of people. Too many people.

Would you cross the road just to not walk in the wrong way? I didn't even know there was a wrong way for walking?

The lonely shepherd sits there, searching for his sheep. The sheep just doesnt exist. He doesnt quite realise that yet. As for the ninety and nine he left in the wilderness, they are probably dead too by now. Or maybe not. Who can say that for sure?

It might be a quarterlife crisis or just a stirring in my soul....

I flipped through the contacts on my phone a hundred times. I don't see a name that I can share silence with. Silence that speaks louder than words. They say I don't speak, but then I do, they just fail to listen.

What if the shepherd eats up all the sheep? He could get hungry you know?

Either way, the sheep must die. And the shepherd must take all the blame...

Ouch!

2010-03-13T22:08:00.000-08:00

Is it true that your whole life runs through your head when you are about to die? I have been experiencing that in the last few weeks.

Random memories flash through my head, completely unrelated, completely helpless. At work, while traveling, while eating, while watching tv, while sleeping, while waking up, while doing anything. They are just haunting me so much.

There is that horrible memory of walking through an empty road at 3am in the night with my cousin. That was a horrible night.

Then heart broken that winter. Sitting in that class, feeling a pain I had never in my life before. I thought that time wouldn't pass. And now I find it hard to recollect it at times.

Go a little forward. Staring at those empty fields in Bhutan in the morning I am leaving after 10 days of sulking. Those could have been really special 10 days. But I wasted them. Realizing that morning of how wonderful it was there.

Go back many years into a classroom. I slapped a guy and his glasses flew off. And we became friends. Why that memory?

Go back many years again. Bionic... bionic six.... Can I please go there? Lemme be there again please.

Go forward into the present just 2 years back. That wonderful day at Kovalam Beach. That was a really wonderful day. The lighthouse, the wind, the soft rain, friends.

All those memories. I am not them. They are not me. I couldn't be them. They wouldn't wanna be me. I finally deduced the exact point in time I want to return to. Its start of 1993. I wanna start from there. I am 9, and with immense hope. I am thinking I am special in life. I am gonna be someone wonderful. Not this worn down loser.

I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you

But I can never find the words to say and I don't know why
I can't find the words to say and I don't know why

Runaway Bride.....

2010-03-06T04:37:00.000-08:00

I am not engaged any more. I finally said no this morning. Those were 2 hellish weeks.

I really recommend that arranged marriage is not for the soft hearted. It just didn't work out for me. I just couldn't imagine the rest of my life with that person. Maybe the feeling was mutual. It just felt like one big family happy making compromise. I am sorry I had to be selfish and break it off.

There was a lot of drama. There would be much more in the coming days. The girls parents would probably come down and shout at us. I think they are justified. I think I was an idiot in saying yes. But I am really relieved now.

This puts off my wedding for an year atleast. I now understand how big a commitment marriage is. And its not meant for me right now. I really hope that the girl forgets me quite quickly. And she finds someone really soon. I feel for her, but sometimes its best to be selfish, if you wanna live your life.

I was losing myself there for a time. But I am glad I finally pulled through. It just cleared my mind up a little bit too. I can now look for jobs outside Delhi. I think I ought to try just once more. Don't you think so?

Runaway Bride is an awesome movie too. People around here don't understand the fear marriage can cause. But I really vouch for it. Marriage is on hell of a thing, and you should only do it if you are 100% convinced about it.

A lot of steps back....

2010-03-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

Steps taken forward but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide

I asked my boss at TCS if he could help me come back to TCS. I am taking a lot of steps back. Is it so hard to take steps forward?

I am having a mid life identity crisis. Wikipedia defines the characteristics as :

Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:

* search of an undefined dream or goal
* a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
* desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
* need to spend more time alone or with certain peers

I fit all of those. I need a psychiatrist for sure now.

I don't know if Manoj will be able to help me get back. He had a smirk laughter when I told him I wanted to be back. There will be a lot of those. They may not just want me back now I guess. But seriously this new office is too stressful for me.

Getting engaged....

2010-03-01T08:42:00.000-08:00

I am finally getting engaged soon. Its not really how I imagined it would be. I have had a really horific week.

One day it was yes, the other it was not. I contemplated so much. I thought so many ways to get out of this one. I even thought about declaring that I am gay (for now atleast!). That would give me lots of years. I could just come back later and say that I lied. That would have been really rebellious, and my alter ego would have been really proud of me. I would have packed my bags and left for Chennai/Tanzania.

I have had so many discussions on this with so many people. I can't do another one now. My mom was literally crying. And my other alter ego had declared me the shallowest person on Planet Earth. And I even thought about jumping off the rooftop. But that would have been really selfish. And the person I am getting married to seems like such a unselfish, normal, dedicated kinda person. Thats scary for me. Not that its not good, but its just kinda something kinda.

I never thought and I still dont think that I can survive the ordeals of a marriage process. Gosh, its giving me a lot of jitters already. And a part of me is telling me to run away from all this. Ofcourse its gonna cause a hell lot of pain to my mom. Thats just whats holding me back I guess. Why do I have to think about it so much?

I feel like I compromised with my dreams. Avi was so much braver than me. It would have been nice talking to her. I guess she would have helped me clear my head. But she kinda left me on my own. I don't know why. Maybe she died. How would I ever know? Gosh I wish I could turn the time back a little back now. Another moment added. Maybe to last sunday. Maybe to First week of January. Maybe to December 2nd. Maybe to October last week.

Its weird but I might have been in Chile, and I might have died in the earthquake too. I missed that opportunity.

I've acted so impulsively lately. I could still come up with a plan if you want me to. The Gay Act is going to fail cos I confided someone in it. Then there is the Scare Girl Act. And the Runaway Act. That reminds me of the movie the Runaway Bride.

Gosh, I really realize now, how big a thing marriage is. It's like Bigger than anything. I mean there are so many choices we make that we define our lives. So many If's. Like maybe if I chose Science rather than commerce, I might have been a great engineer. Or I might have died during ragging. But then that was somehow smaller than this. And I even tried to explain to the girl that I was quite confused. But she somehow didn't seem confused. Gawd! How can you not be confused about this. I don't think she will really understand me. But yeah then not many people have. I could count them on my fingers, and I wouldn't need 5 of them.

So is this what I was destined for Dear God? Was this the purpose of my stupid life? Tell me I didn't just give up my life like this. I really like to meet you now. It's been so unfair on me. I really hell like to meet you now. Could you please come up to meet me. You know Sudeep, please meet me in another life now, and tell me how sorry you were for messing my life up. I really really really really really really really really really really hate you Sudeep. You sold me out again... maybe for the last time... unrepairably....

And let there be no light...

2010-02-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

A couple of people have remarked to me that I come across as a naturally gloomy and depressing person. I even say HI in the morning in a depressing way. Thats just probably cos the sun gods never seem to smile on me either. And anyhow, I am not really noticeable either. Or I am forgotten quite quickly.

Currently I have this far off corner seat, with my back to everyone in the room, and in front of me a window. It's not a bad seat actually. At 4.30 pm each day, the sunlight diffuses on my desk. I kinda hate it when that happens. I would like more darkness. I used to switch off the lights in my previous office and work. Light gives me headaches.

Oh, I had my 26th birthday last week. For the first time in a few years, I slept long before it was 12 am on the night of 13th. I normally stay up and wish for stuff (that never seem to come true). This year I just didn't feel like doing anything. New year was the same too this year. No resolutions, no wishes, no dreams, no hopes.

Nothing hurts more than shards of broken dreams in your eyes. I cannot express the pain of being caught in between dream world and reality. Reality always wins. I always loose. It feels like this roundabout that I am circling. Once again we are back where we were. Worse now than then. At least there was hope then. It's not like I am not trying, I am trying my best, but its not working out. Somethings never work out.

He's haunted by the memories of the lost paradise
In his youth or dreams, he can't be precise

I spent an hour with my plant today on the roof. It's been around for 3 years now. It's not grown a lot, just like me. No lemons yet. They may never come. I have ignored it for the last year or so. And there I was chatting with a plant, and I didn't know what to say to it. You know, water is like a wall. I was throwing some soil into a plastic box containing water. And it was amazing how the soil just kinda burst upon touching the water.

We have this illusion of control in our life. Like we want to control everything that happens in our life. But there is no control ever. I can't control what goes around me, what anyone else does, or what happens to me. So why even bother trying. The more I try, the more friction happens, and the more I suffer.

Oh and yeah, winter is almost over. Now comes the real test...

(I didn't realize that I got a 'S' in the dark, from a very random picture I took from my cellphone!)

Back to Square One!....!

2010-01-07T07:53:00.000-08:00

The culmination of regret, tiredness and a sense of defeat over the last few weeks have made me give way. I am leaving Gurgaon for home tomorrow. Not as hopeful, scared and excited as I was, when I first moved here. Maybe this will add up to my regret list as well. Quite likely indeed. But, I just gave up.

I am back to square one once again. Once again beginning new in an organization I hardly like, doing something that I think is way below my intellect, and being treated by some fool like I have never done anything in my life. Maybe the problem is that I compare, complain and criticize too much.

"I will not reason or compare, my business is to create"

Some part of here was really wonderful. The old house more so. Met some really wonderful people, made some life long friends. Had some really really wonderful long discussions. Had some fights. Had some disagreements. Had a lot of laughs.

I don't know how much this experience changed me, but it did teach me a lot.

But now, its back to home again. The weight of dead dreams is constantly pushing me down. I must close my mind to all of them, and become an office zombie. I wish I could go to Japan tomorrow too... wow, that would be so amazing. Tskkkk.....

Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one

Note :- Those colors are actually yellow and grey... the new EY Branding... Hahahaha..

It's Getting So Cold!

2009-12-26T08:51:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the year again. Wishing season. I would like a few wishes too. Please.....

Did you die? There is no other way to tell if you are really alive?

I was re reading - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Snape's tale still made me feel really bad. I wish he got what he really wanted too.

I want a long holiday. I wanna quit my job and be unemployed for the winter. I would like to have old times back. I would like to have someone to talk to. These is so much nonsense that has been unsaid in the last few months. I wish I had someone to share all this nonsense.

For the first time since I left home, I feel like I should go back. I feel so tired....

There’s a heavy cloud inside my head,
I feel so tired put myself into bed
Well nothing ever happens, and I wonder..

I am trying hard, but I am just quite tired. Why does one have to work? Couldn't we do something we enjoyed more. Though what would that be? Damn, I just screwed up again. Regret, Regret, Regret. Too much of it to be carrying around. Monsters inside my head are just eating me up. I almost had an anxiety attack at work and I was so close to crying. This is not what I want to do!! This is not where I want to be!! Monsters inside were eating me up... It's not going to work out. Why doesn't a bus hit me.....

My father is leaving for Japan within 2 weeks. I wish I could just quit my job and go to Japan. I kinda understand the importance of money now. The necessary evil. It's funny how the passing of each year is making me more reclusive and closed down. I wouldn't have done or said the things I did last year.

I also somehow stupidly feel that I shouldn't have quit my last job. I was comfortable there. Winter would have lasted beautifully there among friends. I just so desperately wanted to quit from there. But why? I don't know now. It was a really stupid decision. I am scared of going to office once more. It's like that school changing thing all over again. Why did I have to do that to myself? If I ever get through this once more, please remind me never to do it again.

I feel like crying.... I want time to stop. I want time to rewind. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want to do so much in the past. I have been such an idiot. Why do we always realize things when we can't do anything about them? It's just a terrible arrangement to have. Please make necessary changes God. Or please give me 3 wishes. I promise I won't wish anything for myself..... After all its wishing season once more......

Who Am I?

2009-12-19T02:40:00.001-08:00

You're lost little girl
You're lost little girl
You're lost
Tell me who
Are you?

I am really wondering who am I? What do I really want? And why am I not thinking more often about it? Why can't I be free to be who I am? (That is after I figure out who I am). Do you get some kind of sadistic pleasure at trying to be this mysterious figure. Or maybe I am just born at the wrong place at the wrong time. Another compromise with dreams, with life, with myself. Another cage.

Did you exchange a walk on part of the war for a lead role in a cage?

It just seems to me that you are waiting for life to end. You wake up and go to office, and you want it to end quickly. Then you come back and you just want to sleep and the day to end, and a new day to start. Then you want the whole week to fast forward to the weekend. Then you want the weekend to end so that you can start a new week. Where do you want it to stop. Is there any exact moment that you are fond of in between all this? Or do you just wanna keep running, into it, out of it, over it, under it... and all other kind of ways that only you can imagine. You are just waiting for everything to end.

I am sorry for it.. but I just can't seem to do anything about it.

Just an After Thought : A person dies and then all that remains is his memories with people who he mattered to. And then those people die, and that person is forgotten into the oblivion. And then all the dreams, thoughts and acts of that person are lost. And then you wonder, if you wonder then, what we made out of that life?

Of "Shanelle" and Stuff

2009-12-10T04:50:00.000-08:00

This was a new week in a new organization. God, why do they have these induction programmes. Its always the same - GMCS, ILP, here, wherever.

So just my luck again, it normally doesn't happen here, but on this occasion there are around 12-15 people to be inducted all the same time. Awful. More the people, more the nonsense. And then before you can even get a grip of what is going on, you discover that there are somehow Pre-Made Groups, which have imported into this organization.

The star attraction was this group of college graduated from SRCC. Three girls and a guy. Up class kiddos (not their fault!). And they really got on my nerves. I don't know why these kinda people do. One of them goes - Oh I couldn't find that dress at shanelle (Chanel for me)...and - have you had caviar....

Whatever....Maybe, just maybe, I don't fit into this corporate stuff. I can't fake it here. I really wanna be somewhere warmer, with people I am comfortable with (if they exist), and not talk about superficial things. There are these other people, who pretend to be who they are not, apart from a couple of them. And then of course there is this prettier girl, who will get preferred (she actually is), and people will wanna talk to her and help her out. If I survive the first 6 months here, a mental and a written note - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don't change your Job before 5 years atleast...

And then today the technical training started. It's quite different. I don't know if I will get the hang of it soon enough. I was actually trying to put everything in perspective with a Software Development Life Cycle. Funny way to look at things. But yeah its like relating things.

And then I got my seat today. It's at really awful place. Behind me sits a guy, who probably is a CA too, and he seems to be like a real suck up guy to me. Not genuinely nice at all. Then there are these 2 ladies sitting to the right. I asked one of them for help on configuring my system, and of course the standard reply was to contact the IT department. That's OK though. But then she asks me, why I haven't left as the cabs are about to leave. I say I live nearby. She couldn't understand, so I repeat again - I live nearby so I don't need a cab. She actually asks the other girl - What is he saying? THAT was incredible. I think I was speaking audibly enough and wasn't mumbling. And I went red in the ears. God! Kiddo, you are a grown up guy. Stop being embarrassed. The other girl of course wasn't as deaf, so she told her what I said.

So, there is more training till next friday. God help me.

This place is already started to get to my nerves. I don't think I will survive here...

Random Thought#678 : Oh yeah, I also realised that I have completely stopped watching television. I don't watch any from Monday to Friday. Wow! Incredible! I don't feel the need to watch television anymore. That's really weird. Television is like the only possible urban thing to do. I am getting really weird. By the way, watching television kills brain cells, provided you have any....

..........................

2009-11-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

I am a bloody looooserrr!

I am really annoyed with myself..

I am such a coward

I am really a weirdo

I am feeling really terrible

I am not really up for life

I am not really gonna survive

I am going to sleep

Uncommon Sense (Sigh!)

2009-11-24T05:37:00.000-08:00

Here we go again. Maybe I have been criticizing others a lot during the past 1-2 weeks. It's got me in a fierce flared up mood.

So, here is what gets me ticked off - LACK OF COMMON SENSE. It's supposed to be common right? Or am I being a snob? Maybe yeah, I was telling myself to back off a bit, and be a little more polite, cos life has this funny way of saying BOOYA, IN YOUR FACE.

Ahhh common sense! Or rather the lack of it. It just infuriates me. Maybe it shouldn't. Because common sense is uncommon. But then, it sounds common, so I take it to be common. So if people applied half their brains then they would get all the answers to their problems. (See I am being a jerk again! I am even writing like a jerk now!)

But geez, I am in such a fierce mood to not forgive. It's been bad actually. Last 1-2 weeks. Since this mood kicked in. I don't really know where I get this idea that somehow I am smarter than most people I meet. But its this jerky attitude thats really alienating me from most people.

But its nothing new in my head. I have had it forever, as far as I remember. I never really had friends. And the ones I had wouldn't last for long. It was always because my best friend was my ownself. So, no one else could meet up to those expectations. I know I am pathetic too. But I don't know what creeped in. But then people around me have lately shown very little sense. So, I have ended up telling them that exactly. Sometimes not really politely. Sometimes my tone has been insulting.

Damn! So, I am this idiotic snob (just the thing I wished I hadnt become), who doesnt have friends, cos most of the time he thinks he smarter than other people. What a JERK! Sounds like a big one to me. So, would you rather have me dumber?

I ain't a genius, but I ran across a nice little article :

http://uncommonsense101.com/

Geniuses differ from learned people. Education is an accomplishment, and it will open doors, but it doesn't do much for a person's 'uncommon sense.' Education, for the most part, has been reduced to knowing which answer goes on which line. Amongst the throngs of people who now have that piece of paper that tells the world 'this person knows which answer goes on which line' and those who do not, are some people whose thought power is so much greater than common that they can describe things that will boggle the minds of the others without trying to boggle their minds.

Maybe, you don't need to discover that E=MC2 to be a genius. But then maybe I could be stretching it. Geez, I should delete this post, lest someone think I am narcissistic.

Yeah I know I aint a genius, but this article has some notable points to look at.

P.S.- Or maybe I am just going crazy. Shit, its really kicking in. This craziness. It's just running all over my mind. I am running out of people to talk to or call, so I come here to babble. Maybe this blog will throw me out too....

Random After Thought : Lest I forget, we write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. I just re read my first post. It sounds really good.

Not so Random After After Thought : I google everything these days, EVERYTHING! Even what people say, or what I think. FYR, I just googled - sgcray is an asshole! There should be no after thought today after this, I hope.

Maybe We'll Find Better Days....

2009-11-14T07:57:00.000-08:00

You know, writing this blog on the laptop is no fun. I just don't enjoy it. I like it here, in this room, sinking in this chair, and looking up to the monitor (which apparently has changed), listening to alternate rock, and at best in winter. I have some memories of many nights in the same setting. Winter of 2006-07 and 2007-08. Those were really creative times.

There was one night I heard - "Look What You've Done" more than 20 times non stop. And then was another for - "Stuck in a Moment". Some songs just seemed to last the whole night.

Friday was another day at office. Another day, another fight. I realized the futility and vanity of all that fighting. I want to things the quality way, maybe my quality way, which is sometimes not really quality either. So my idea of right is anyhow flawed. Which I might add is any idea of right. Nothing can ever be right a hundred percent. And maybe I just think too much and want to change too much at the same time. It's not a city building game, where you can demolish and build all over again. Somethings just can't be undone.

Are you such a dreamer to put the world to rights
I'd stay home forever wherever two and two always makes a five.

If you try to decide to put the world to rights, then maybe you were never meant to do that. It's like putting to motion an snowball, which rolls and then becomes gigantic, and you cannot foresee its effects. While you might say that all you did was roll a small snowball, it just became too huge for everyone down under. (But then I wonder if my not throwing a snowball could also have a similar impact?)

Random Thought : So, one day I was thinking, if I was allowed to meet one person in the whole world, dead or alive, ever lived, who would I like to meet? I thought and thought and thought. And I just couldn't come up with an answer. A musician? No, I like their music, but what would I say to them. A writer? Douglas Adams? No... what would I say to him? Then? Some scientist? Why would he wanna waste his time to meet me...

And thats when it struck me. I would like to meet a person, whose answer to this question would be me. Somebody who would really like to meet me. I don't think right now anyone in this whole world would really like to meet me. I don't think anybody in the whole world actually thinks or likes me at this moment. God! Thats really awful, but that's just me. Geez... the pressure of a wasted life....

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

Finally Resigned....

2009-11-07T07:46:00.001-08:00

Geez... the last 4-5 months have been hellish. I have spent numerous days, nights, afternoon contemplating the day I would resign from this company. And finally it has come.

Everything started to go wrong around the time Amit left the Team. And then Mahua left the Team too. And suddenly I felt all lost, and my eyes kinda opened. What the hell was I doing here? I was happy writing queries, and solving stupid issues, which never seem to end. And to work on a system that seemed to be getting complex by the day. And then I could never understand why I liked my work in the first place.

Geez.. I was a chartered accountant (I think), and here I was writing complex PL/SQL queries and procedures and what not. And fighting managers cos I wanted to improve the system and they didnt give a damn to usability. Why? Why was I so bothered? How the hell does it matter to me? Well it somehow did. I spent almost 3 months aimlessly trying to find out everything on wikipedia. From Hitler to Nostradamus to Let there Be light and to every possible phrase that was coming into my mind. Everything was being googled and wikipeded. And I spent the best part of my day doing that.

Then I ran away from office at 4, and spent the best part of the evening searching for Jobs at every location possible. I was interested in Tanzania too. Seemed like a wonderful place to me. But somehow nobody wanted me. I put myself on discount too. Take me up, and I might reduce 10% off my current CTC. Everyday on my way to office, I would mentally write my Resignation Mail to the team. On somedays it would be a polite goodbye, on others it would be a scorcher. And when I wasnt daydreaming or googling, I was busy fighting bosses. I had tons of fights. I just could'nt understand why they wouldnt release me from this project when I wasnt doing anything. But then thats TCS for you.

Meanwhile there was a side flank fight for my confirmation letter and salary increment. That didnt matter much though. But I kept fighting.

Finally last week on wednesday, after returning from office at 4.30, and taking another saridon for my splitting headache, I found what I was looking for. No this job would not send me to egypt. Nor will it send me to Bangalore or Hyderabad. Nor will it pay me more than I earn currently. But it just seemed nice enough to leave this company. It seemed like a job I wanted, and I could do well at. A Financial Analyst with Ernst & Young. Nice profile, nice company, same location, and lots of work. Yes sir, give me work, and lots of work, that just seems to keep me occupied and happy. Yes I am one of those stupidly hardworking employees that never seem to tire of work.

So, when I finally told Manoj to initiate my seperation process on friday, I just couldnt hide my smile. Its been really tiring, and I just hope that this next place turns out to be better than here.

I guess I have literally fighting all my way through TCS, right from the start. And yeah that has given me tremendous confidence. I can take on anybody. Yeah!!! :)

Well..now I have a month to write a nice goodbye speech as I serve my notice period. And then its astalavista baby!!

Just Like Old Times.....

2009-09-08T21:59:00.000-07:00

The world is round... life is round... its a big circle.

And once again, I find myself at somehow the same mental state as 2 years back. Now I am bunking work at TCS, instead of my CA Classes and SRC.

Life also got a whole lot complicated... Marriage.. Job... Life... Freedom... Survival... Friends... Survival... Family... Oh did I mention survival...

I hate this horrible job right now. I can't think of a reason why I liked it in the first place now. I am tired of desperately looking for jobs in job sites. I am tired of writing those fucking mails to consultants. I rue some stupid missed opportunities that may or may not have turned right. I rue what I said to that Evosys guy on thursday. But its a hell lot complicated.

I haven't wrote for a long time now... and thats cos I just didn't have the energy. Its being slowly sucked out of me.

I saw 2 girls as well for this arranged marriage thing. And I said yes to one. Gawd! Now I am thinking why did I say yes to her in the first place. But anyhow she didn't wanna get married and that was the end of that.

So, now what?

Elimination ought to do the trick right. But wrong. Its not helping either.

1.I wanna Quit the current Job.
2.I dont wanna go back to my home.
3.I wanna hopefully quit Gurgaon.
4.I wanna see the world. (Pyramids, Europe, Latin America, Angkor Wat, Pearl Harbour etc. etc.)
5.I wanna secure a future (Just in case the world doesnt end in 2012)

But I don't know how and where to start. I am stuck again. Damn! And now I am bunking work. I hate that office. I hate these big companies. They are so horribly pathetic.

Maybe you need to experience everything to figure out what you want. But then life doesnt give you that much opportunities to figure out life. So its a catch-22 situation which I just cant figure out.

I think I will take the evosys job if they take me up too. But I dont think they will take me now. Shit... more job search ahead today.

Btw... The Last Remnant is a nice game...

Each time it comes it eats me alive
I try to behave but it eats me alive
So I declare a holiday
Fall asleep, Drift away

Ipso Facto.....You Know I Am Shallow.......

2009-03-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

Its one of those very pathetic nights where I have daringly wandered to my blog. My deserted outpost... I can never read what I have written.... Doesn't seem right. Probably this blog isn't read anyhow.

It's almost been an year in this job. It's been an year since things started to change (for good or worse time will tell). I feel very bad tonight. I am becoming this aloof selfish guy who is terribly disappointing himself. Plus I am still no good at running my life.

Office has just become another hideout place, where time must be spent doing trivial things which have no higher purpose in life. I probably need to go the office more than the office needs me to come. I wouldn't have and I don't have anything else in my life. It's just become this stupid short term goal in life, to fix defects, to do rollouts, to do datafixes, to do every inconsequential thing in the world.

I can't feel anything inside. I come to this room and just sleep. When I am here, I feel like running back to delhi. When I am at delhi, I feel like running out of there. I don't have anything to talk about with anyone. It's like I don't belong anywhere. It wouldn't matter where I am. A purposeless life is a terrible sin. But then I don't have the drive or energy or skills to find a higher purpose in life.

If I get this early confirmation, which I should, then it would make my life tougher. I would find it harder to get out of this project. But then I would want to get it to showoff. Thats all. It doesn't mean anything more to me. I would wanna smash it on a few people's faces. But I don't know if I will escape to some place else, maybe abroad. But knowing me, it would hardly make a difference where I lived.

Stone Roses.... I feel like listening to a lot of music tonight. Its just one of those nights that make me realise how shallow I am.

A very wasted shallow life..... God spare my soul for wasting it.....

Down down, you bring me down
I hear you knocking at my door and I cant sleep at night
Your face, it has no place
No room for you inside my house I need to be alone

Twenty Five.......

2009-02-14T08:22:00.000-08:00

Hey, Its been a very long time since I last wrote anything. I have been wanting to do it for a long time now. Should have done it on New Year. Can't say that I haven't had time. I have had tons of time. But just didn't have the energy or drive to write anything. I think I started to loose myself out there.

It's my birthday today. So I should write. I must write. That would be a sin, if I didn't write on my birthday. Thats always like a ritual. Should have actually done that yesterday. But was kinda going into memory lane yesterday with Avi. That was quite funny actually going back to the oldest chat archives.

Stuck in a moment... is playing on the laptop. Yes, I got a laptop in december. I like the PC better though. It was more fun being in front of that. Miss those dark thoughtful nights that I never thought I would get out. It would be completely ridiculous if I started to summarize the last 4 months. So, I wouldn't do that.

It was a very boring normal birthday like every year. Now, I return on some weekends to my home, and feel like a complete stranger. And then I go back to gurgaon, and I feel like I got to get out of there too. So, where is it that I really belong???? No clue. Life never makes sense.

So, now I am sitting here thinking about who can I talk to. Nobody. I haven't really been in touch with anybody in the last few months. Haven't even been in touch with myself. Amit, my roomie ofcourse has been a good friend. But I wouldn't have much to talk to him about either. I don't think I connect with anyone. Its something that nothing can be done about...

So, I am 25. That's a lot. Twenty Five. Still feel insecured and kiddish. Need to grow up really fast this year. Need to calm myself. Need to do a hundred things right. But don't need to really get mad at myself for failing.

And oh yeah the wings, didn't really come out yet. But I guess that's cos I haven't allowed them to...

Leaving Home.....

2008-10-04T09:33:00.000-07:00

Finally leaving home tomorrow for Gurgaon.... Very scared..... Very unsure of whether its the right thing..... It's damn expensive as well....

Its not how I imagined I would leave.... I am feeling like I dunno, its really weird.... I gotta make the most of it, but I just dont know.... It's just Gurgaon, not London.... But London would have been better isnt it?

Very apprehensive.... Had a talk with Leena whether I am doing the right thing.... She said I was, but why am I feeling this strange yucky feeling.... like I am doing something wrong.... I am not.... Maybe... Maybe I am just being stupid....

I go back to Find the River by REM, one of my favourite songs.... I run into another page which reminds me of something I wrote long back and was probably meant to be found on this day..... long is just a strange word now.... the last 5 months haven't been long, but the things that happened last year seems so distant now.... It's all relative.... This is what I wrote last year:

This just became my favourite REM song!! Its incredible the way it just picks up. And the lyrics are amazing too. Everyone just has to find the river of his life I guess. Thats what this song is about. The flow of one's life can only be decided after you ascertained the right river. Most dont care about finding the river but then you might wash on a shore that you never meant to me.

The one person I would like to inform right now would probably be least interested in knowing all this.... I shared day dreams with her.... Felt really guilty for the last 4 months or so... Didn't have the courage to face myself or her or this blog..... It was all going down the drain.... Maybe 2007 will never be back again.... I guess thats the way a river runs.... its never turns back...

God help me..... pleaseeeeeeee ...... Make this work....

Hey now, little speedyhead,
The read on the speedometer says
You have to go to task in the city
Where people drown and people serve
Don't be shy. Your just deserve
Is only just light years to go

Dreams Compromised?? Part IV - Pink Floyd Night

2008-09-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

Pink Floyd is always best when it is heard in pitch darkness, past midnight, when there is not a soul awake. I had so many of those nights when I would stay awake till 2am, listening to Floyd, chatting, playing computer games. But now with this job and all, I have to sleep at 10.30 max, in order to wake up to go to office next day. I miss those night excursions on the internet, feeling like a explorer on internet explorer, with the world in the screen. I miss trying to convince Avi my standpoint on things, and cursing the world.

While we were coming back from Trivandrum, I remember the second night in that compartment. Since we had only 2 seats, and there were 4 of us, there were two of us squeezed into each compartment. And that night it had rained, and the coach was leaking , and there was water everywhere. I found it difficult to sleep that night, especially with Ashish occupying more than half the space. So at around 1.30 am, I decided to call my sleep quits, and woke up and somehow managed to jump over Ashish to get out, without waking him up. I don't think even if I would have walked over him, he would have woke up.

Opposite our seat was an elderly couple and their grandson - Justin. We had been playing around with the little kid the whole way. They had to get off at Bhopal, at 2.30 am. So I thought I would take over their seat once they left. I went outside the A/C Coach, only to discover to my horror that there were hundreds of small cockroaches outside!! I quickly went inside. I dug out a little bit of space, and pushed Ashish a little inside. With Leena and Monika sleeping on the overhead berth, I had no choice but to sit uncomfortable on half my butt. The train had stopped. The elderly couple were still sleeping.

I pulled out my headphone, and started playing music - Pink Floyd - Shine on you Crazy Diamond. There is something about this song that I just love. And if you have ever heard it past midnight, you would know what I mean. And you don't need to be drunk or high on drugs to feel that magic. By the way, you never need to be drunk or trippy to feel magic. The music started playing, and I was lost in it. The first Eight and Half minutes of the song there are no words. Avi once said that music without words is better than music with words, I totally agree. I didn't have my glasses on, so I was kinda half blind anyway. But from the window I could see a blaze of light passing us. It was probably another train, but it looked somewhat different without the glasses on. At 3.58 in the song, the IInd part of the song starts. Ting Ting Ting Ting. And then it just builds, and then it takes you away.

The elderly uncle had woken up, probably curious as to what I was upto. I pushed the earphones harder into my ear, I didn't wanna be disturbed. He didn't disturb me either. He was probably babbling something to his wife.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun
Shine on you crazy diamond
Now there is a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky
Shine on you crazy diamond.......

I pulled out my mobile, I didn't have network. For the next hour or so, I was listening to Pink Floyd. It was awesome. Then I pulled out the earphones truly satisfied. The train was late, Bhopal came at around 4. I helped them out with their luggage, a lot of luggage, and said goodbye to Justin. Then I came inside and went to sleep on their berth. Didn't sleep much after that either, but it was truly a Pink Floyd night. Can't explain it to those who wouldn't understand.....

Dreams Compromised?? - Part III - The Beach

2008-08-24T05:42:00.000-07:00

I was staring out of the bus window, during one of those innumerable tiring journeys taking me back to home. All of the sudden I remembered the beach - Kovalam Beach. I had almost forgotten that day. Now that Leena and Ashish were leaving for Lucknow, the day came back to me strongly. It was a wonderful day. There were a lot of firsts that day. I walked on a beach amidst rain and a very strong wind. I climbed on top of the lighthouse, and was very scared to step outside. It was my idea to go up that lighthouse and the other three were quite skeptical about it. Taking even one step towards the lighthouse required a lot of effort, such was the wind. But I convinced them to go there.

And I also did see a lady in a bikini for the first time. Two in fact. Maybe even more, but there are only two I can recall. There was one very pretty firangi couple. First we saw them individually and mentioned how lovely a pair would both of them make together. And it turned out that they were a pair. It was a very beautiful day.

I was frantically messaging Avi from the top of the lighthouse. It was a wonderful sight. She told me to wish for anything and write in the sand and watch the waves wash it away. 'It would definitely come true', she had said. I forget what I wrote now. Then at evening we got in a public bus and went back to the city. I would like to go back to that day someday.

On a side note, writing has become painfully exhaustingly tough for me these days. Even when I do have time, writing is the most difficult thing to do now. It's like I can't look at this blog anymore. It just haunts me, and ridicules me. I can't talk to myself these days, that haunts me too. I wanna look myself in the eye, but I can't do that. I have betrayed myself.

Under the spreading chestnut tree
I sold you and you sold me
There lie they, and here lie we
Under the spreading chestnut tree

An Inconsequential Story of Eternity

2008-08-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

I met eternity just the other day, and he said that it's about time I told his story to everybody. Existence out of time is often claimed as rubbish claims primarily designed to render the human invention of the clock useless. But what if I told you that somewhere in nowhere, existed a place, which actually does not exist at all, and yet spawns through everything that you can possibly imagine, called Eternity, or more popularly named by the inhabitants - The Eternal Garden!

I haven't been there myself, but by a strange coincidence ran into all the rare escapees from the Garden one after the other. And on one fateful night, Eternity itself called upon me and asked me to bring a pizza and a diet coke along, and then we sat down and talked for a considerable amout of something, which should have been ordinarily classified as time. So, this tale is merely based on all that I understood out of all that I was told.

A long time ago, somewhere in the future, an evil emperor ruled the entire galaxy. The Evil Emperor, who when was a small child, was exposed to a series of movies by George Lucas, called as the first part Star Wars Trilogy. The dvd of the trilogy was somehow dropped by an astronaut from Earth while he was cleaning the windows of the International Space Station. And through bizarre luck, the dvd managed to crash completely safely on a comparitively technologically advanced planet. Such a primitive entertainment device existed only in their rarest archives now. The dvd was also placed among those archives, never to be opened, until one very ominous day. The young mischevious son of the Emperor sneaked into the archives, and he found his way to the dvd, as if the evil dvd had called out his name. The young boy sneaked the dvd home, and with the help of some of his geeky friends managed to play out the movie.

At the end of the three movies, the little boy was no longer a little boy. His life had changed forever. He considered the movie to be a omen in disguise, "deus ex machina" he called it. A sign from the Gods, as to what his destiny is to be. Of course he hadn't seen the second part Trilogy, and only fate can tell what would have been had he seen all the 6 movies. The boy decided that the universe must be taken over, and he gathered all the geeky kids on the planet, and started building weapons of mass destruction. Perhaps George Bush ought to have looked there rather than Iraq. Though there is no recorded evidence of the events, but the chain of events that followed were - the boy murdered his own father and became emperor. Then he started with his own solar system, and destroyed all life on all planets including his own planet, so that he shall not encounter any rebel factions from anywhere.

Finally the little boy arrived to destroy the planet Earth as well. Before he destroyed everyone on the planet, he went down to aquire the second part trilogy of the movie. And then he ordered for the weapons to be fired on Earth. And as life on Earth was being destroyed, the Evil Emperor saw the Star Wars Episode IV to VI. When he had seen them, he was extremely depressed. 'Was it to be this way? That good shall always conquer evil?' But by then he had destroyed all life in the galaxy. Then how shall he be conquered over. Filled with remorse and regret, he ordered that their ship be put on self-destruct. And hence, all life in the galaxy supposedly ended.

But in all this chaos and madness, the Emperor forgot to notice a lone astronaut cleaning the windows of the NEW International Space Station. This astronaut happened to be a descendant of the astronaut who had dropped that evil dvd a long time ago. When all the cleaning was done, the young astronaut went inside the space station and tried to contact Mission Control on Earth. But by then everyone was dead. Infact everyone in the galaxy was dead, and he was the last living thing alive in the galaxy. That didn't occur to him yet. God, who was busy playing dice at that time, suddenly noticed that the prayers on his laptop had stop coming in the frenzy rate they used to come. 'Just ONE unread message!! Thats gotta be an anomaly' God thought.

So, really annoyed at all that happened God himself went down to meet the last person in the Galaxy. The conversation went like this :

God : Emmm, Congratulations you won!
Astronaut : Won? Won what? And who are you?
God : Why, I am God!
Astronaut : You're kidding right!
God : No, I am not!!!!
Astronaut : Ok ok! So you're God!! Gawwwd, I get to meet God!
God : Yes well, as I was saying, ahem, Congratulations you WON!
Astronaut : Yes, well what is it that I won?
God : Ummm, this whole Galaxy really, its all yours now. Lots of people have been trying to own it since its inception, and now its yours.
Astronaut : Well..... what am I gonna do with it??
God : Gonna do with it?? Gonna do with it?? Don't you see I am giving you the GALAXY!!
Astronaut : See, I don't want the galaxy, but isn't there something else you could give me?
God : Hmmmmm, well there is this coveted post that I have long handled since the inception of the galaxy, ummmm why don't you have a go at it.
Astronaut : Post?
God : Yes well, you get to be ETERNITY! Sounds exciting right?
Astronaut : I dunno! How much would you pay me? Its gotta be atleast 50% higher than my last pay.
God : Pay you!?! You get to be Eternity. Everything is yours!
Astronaut : Can we talk in concrete terms. Even my last employer said the whole space station is all yours!! And all I was doing was cleaning windows.

And then after a considerable amount of coaxing and convincing, the astronaut finally became Eternity from the inception of whatever. So as a privelege of being Eternity, he got to own this place which was not existent anywhere in the galaxy, but outside time, just like God's own villa.

But Eternity didn't want to have a villa. He had always longed to live a simple life down in the countryside, with trees and flowers and grass. So, he asked the folks who designed the Garden of Eden, to come up with something similar, and they did a fantastic job. A wonderful garden with wonderful trees of all sorts was now in place. But Eternity himself is not allowed to present in a physical state, so the garden was all empty, while Eternity looked upon it. And very soon, he grew tired of this boring garden. So he devised a way to randomly bring stuff to the Eternal Garden - An eternity sphere which would in things with the help of a vortex.

Then eternity asked the giant serpent Ouroboros who was encircling Earth, to act as a Guardian for the garden. Ouroboros agreed readily, after realising that sooner or later Earthlings would turn their direction heavenwards. So Ouroboros arrived as the guardian, but there was a slight problem, as Ouroboros's main interest was to eat up it's own tail. However Ouroboros convinced Eternity that this would in no way hinder his work as the Guardian. And hence started the Eternity Storms, which is also known as an Eternity Recalculation Moment.

The first eternity storm brought in a little dinosaur, a baby T-Rex, and since time does not exist in the Garden, the baby T-Rex remained a baby T-Rex all his life. The mother T-Rex however grew extremely upset at the mysterious disappearance of her son, and she invited all the dinosaurs to discuss the issue of - Whatever happened to baby T-Rex! And while all dinosaurs gathered at the very same plateau, a giant meteor crashed onto the plateau, wiping out the dinosaurs from the planet. Baby T-Rex was however safely away, playing with Ouroboros and eating apples. An apple a day does keep the doctor away.

After that the eternity storms kept bringing in more and more stuff.

Dreams Compromised?? - Part II : Finding a voice

2008-07-06T01:29:00.000-07:00

So, back here again to write. Writing is a pretty tough thing. Its not like I love to write or anything, but its just something I have to do. And then sometimes it happens that trying to write anything becomes a very painful exercise. And I just want to get it out all at a once, without really caring.

So, back to Trivandrum again. On the second day, we were all asked to come and introduce ourselves in front of everybody, and talk about anything we would like to. I had horrible memories of GMCS classes in April. Then I had decided to become invisible and every time I was forced to speak, it went horribly bad. So, I didn't really think it was going to be any different this time. But there were just 21 people this time, and most of them weren't doing that well either. So, finally Smitha called my name, and I walked up the room. I was held up for a minute cos the guy before me was discussing something with Smitha.

Finally I started, and I what I ended up saying was that - I am pretty nervous to come up here and speak, and I am basically a shy person, and so on. And then I decided to do a brief book review of - A Painted House. A easy way to fill up my time. I did pretty well. But I wasn't able to look into the eyes of the people sitting there.

I think I went up there once more that day, in a group activity. But I had very little dialogue then.

It was after the outbound learning experience that I had become comfortable with all of them. And I didn't mind looking silly in front of any of them. So, the next time I went to speak was the McDonald Murder Mystery play. And I was the narrator for our group, plus I had a small role in the end too. So, I added a little humour in the narration in the start. And I just filled up my part in the end, but I was really uncomfortable standing there and moving around. I was kinda the assistant police guy to Vinit. And my job was to call the suspects into the room and say a few lines.

It was the next time that I spoke, that I did really well. It was our group presentation on comparison on TCS with a competitor. Our group of - Vinit, Arif and Swaroop, chose Accenture as a competitor. Our group went last and I was to start the presentation. So when I came in the front, everyone was talking and no one seemed interested in listening to me. So, I just asked them to settle down and let me start. Then I started joking that - I am sure all of you are pretty bored by now it (it had been more than a hour of presentations by now), and you can go have tea/coffee if you want. Then I started my presentation and I spoke really well. Adding some humour and audience participation in it. It was fun. For the first time I felt like I belonged there and I can handle this. After I finished, our presentation was stopped cos the faculty listening to it, had to go.

I spoke once more in class after that. I was sent by my group to speak about the ATM Brochure we made. And Suja was the faculty listening to it. So, we were suppose to come up with a brochure on the opening of the 100th ATM of our bank. So, the brochure didnt have an address of the location, which I didn't think was necessary. But Suja thought otherwise. So, I came up with a wonderful line - We don't have an address cos when the 100th ATM opens, every ATM becomes the 100th ATM, and hence we don't want everyone to turn up on the new ATM, but to go to their nearest ATM. I spoke pretty well then, and I was enjoying being there too.

On the second last day of our ILP, our whole batch had to give a presentation on TCS financials in an auditorium filled with 3 batches of engineers, along with most of our faculty. I didn't want to participate in it, but Vinit wrote my name anyway. And since no one else from Delhi wanted to do it, I had to represent Delhi. So, what happened was that everyone made their slides, and we merged them all together to make the presentation. There were around 40 slides, and there were going to be 8 speakers. I thought 8 was too many, but then my opinion didn't matter. I just had to speak on my 2 slides and go away. But the biggest drama of our ILP was just about to happen.

So, after an hour of getting a feel of the Audi, the crowd began to settle in. And it was very cold in the Audi, and that made all of us even more nervous. Even Vinit confessed to me that he was nervous. So, Vinayak started the presentation in his usual casual funny manner, followed up by Swaroop. His slides were pretty pathetic and he couldn't put them in the right manner. There was a question from somewhere in the back, and we thought - OK, at least they are interested in this presentation. Next was Radhika, and after that Priya. Now after Priya had said her part, that same person in the back, started asking some questions again. And this time Priya was dumbstruck, she didn't expect questions, and she didn't want to take them either. Seeing her helpless, Vinit stood up and tried to answer it. But he didn't seem satisfied. And Vinit signalled to me, to stand up and stand with my part. So, I stood up and had a look at that guy. Pretty old to be a student here, so I thought maybe he was someone from the corporate office in mumbai.

I started nervously, and fumbled with the words. I went ahead with the controversial statement of TCS reducing salaries in Jan'2008. I had barely finished my first slide, when the guy came up with a question - Is the reason for profitability per employee going down this year, the high number of recruitment made by TCS this year? Was that some kind of trick question, I calmly replied - yes, tats the reason! But clearly he wasn't satisfied and said - I think there are other reasons for it! I said - ok, so you could share them with us. And then the whole verbal barrage between us started. He got me really annoyed but I was polite all the way through. I wanted to move on to the next slide, but he wudnt let me. So, I finally decided to have an audience poll. I asked everyone there if they really knew what rupee depreciation meant! One hand came up on the room out of at least 150 associates. I had made my point and badly pissed him off. In between Nisha, one of the faculty members, intervened to push his point through to me. But I was pretty annoyed by then, and I didn't listen to her. hen he provoked me further and I said the line that stretched it a bit too far - They don't need to be rocket scientist to understand that the denominator (no.of employees) is going up faster than the numerator (net profits) is, and hence the profit per employee is going down. He stood up, and searched for a exit where there wasn't one. Annoyed, embarrassed, he came back and down the stairs and shook his hand violently towards the crowd, disapproving of me and the presentation. He left the room and behind him some of the other faculty left too. I was standing there speechless. A few of the faculty told me to keep going. And somehow I stumbled to finish my part.

I sat down, and asked priya sitting next to me - Was I rude? She said - No, u weren't! Meanwhile drama was happening outside the room. Vinit, was called outside, and vinayak followed him behind. And Nisha, Smitha and Alpha started lashing on him. I didn't know what was happening outside, but I knew this guy was someone important and right now Vinit was being bashed up. Finally we finished our presentation and Smitha came up to us and said - Didn't you know who that was? That was Suresh, the Global Inductions Head!!! He wants to have a word with all of you, so please go back to your room, and he might be a little hard on you, so be ready!

So what was the worse he could do me - Fire me! Yeah sure, like I give a damn! So, he came along with Alpha and Smitha. And started making comments on the presentation and on each speaker. He really disapproved of everything. Finally he came to me, and he said something like - And you, you won't stay around long in TCS with such an attitude. If you did something like this at a client place you would have been fired by now. And wat was it that you were trying to prove with audience poll! Hehehe, I would have laughed on any other day, but dunno why I got really sissy about all of it. And my eyes felt a little wet. So, he left and Smitha wanted Alpha to show us how the real presentation should have been done. I was getting even more sentimental every minute. Finally Smitha called me out, and a really embarrassing thing happened. She said she saw me getting a bit touchy about it all. And she asked me if I wanted to meet up Suresh right now. I told her I would meet him later, and went off to the bathroom. My eyes were bloodshot red!! I washed my face, and came out. Devender, one of the mumbai guys who I had a argument with, while going to Kanyakumari, said - Great Sudeep, if I would have been in your place, I would have done the same, and maybe even worse! Support came from all quarters. Even Suja, one of the faculty, came up in class later, and said that she was glad that I was the one to face him, and I did a very good job in the way I handled him. And it was a great learning experience for me.

I later met Suresh and I apologised for no fault of mine. It was a short apology cos I thought I was rude to him. But more embarrassing was Smitha asking me if I was ok, every time I came across her after that. Really pathetic kiddo. And on the final day, we got feedbacks from Nisha, and he lambasted me again for what I did the previous day. Whatever!

But I really enjoyed it all in the end. And I listened to the audio recording of the whole episode and discovered I wasn't rude at all. So, in the end, I can boast of a really awesome thing that I did. And it rounded up the ILP on a wonderful high, and all of us coming together to face an external enemy!!

So, I did find my voice during ILP! And I will always remember it for that. It was a wonderful experience, and though I woudn't wanna join TCS in hindsight, but the ILP will always remain an unforgettable experience.

Dream Compromised?? - Part I

2008-06-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

I was reading the alchemist today, nearly 2 years after I had first read it. When I reached the part where the King of Salem is addressing Santiago, it struck me that I had probably missed the real meaning of those words, when I had first read it. It was a wonderful story back then, but now those words seem to trouble me. Hope they will not haunt me in time to come. Did I just believe in the greatest lie in the world that - at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate.

It's been more than a month since I wrote crossroads. Then I was leaving for a journey which I thought would lead me to the unknown. But fate or my decisions, I don't know which, have led me back to my home for now. A lot has happened in this period. There is so much to tell and to write about. I just haven't had the time to sit in front of the computer and write, and even when I have tried, I didn't know where to start. Maybe I should start from the start.

So, on 16th May 2008, I set out for Trivandrum along with the other three people from delhi - Ashish, Leena and Monika. The 3 days in the train kinda passed well, and it was fun. We even made up a hindi movie version of the O'Henry story - The Last Leaf. And me and Ashish almost missed the train twice too. And not to forget that since we only had 3 seats, me and ashish had to squeeze into one at night. But overall it was kinda good. On the morning of the 18th, I also got news from home that my grandfather (my mother's father) had passed away. I decided not to tell anyone, and its sounds weird, but I didnt really feel anything. Maybe I should have felt sad and all, but I just didnt, maybe I am quite a selfish person. Anyway, so we arrived at trivandrum on the 18th, and reached the hotel - Hotel Prasanth. Me and Ashish got the room on 5th floor, while the girls got the room on the 2nd floor. So, by evening all the people for the training had arrived. We first met the first floorers - Arun, Kapil and Viral. And then the guys from our floor, the mumbai guys - Vinit, Vinayak and Mihir. I felt really awkward after exiting from that room. Actually they seemed to fit the image of mumbai guys I had formed, namely - tough, cool and unfriendly people. I was beginning to fear that I had landed at the wrong spot, and I didn't belong there. I even tried sending a SOS to Avi, but her mobile was off. So finally she had changed her number to avoid me, cos I had really creeped her. Well thats what I thought atleast.

We were told the bus would leave for office at 7.30am next morning. Though I woke up at 5am, and outside the window, a neon sign, which I couldn't read without my glasses, was flashing on and off. It kinda reminded me of the "LOVELESS" sign in FF7. Me and ashish thought that everyone wud come down by 8 atleast. So we took our time, and I was watching a very nice movie in the morning - Wide Awake. So at 7.45 we go down, and to our shock, everyone is seated in the bus, waiting for us to come! We got an idea of things to come. There were 21 of us chartered accountants for this training. Most of the people were from mumbai. So, we arrived at a really big and good looking bulding. TCS Technopark! We were led to a classroom of sorts, and then the whole ILP thing started.

In days to come, people of all kinds visited us and bored us with their lectures. There were very cute faces in the faculty as well. And some very nice people too. But most of them were boring. So, if ur gonna ask me what the training was all abt then that would be a really difficult thing to do. And to chronologically set about all the things that happened would be a very tedious things to do. So, maybe I could narrate some of the key flashpoints that happened there in my subsequent posts. And then we would lead to the final question of what the title actually means.

Me is really tired to write. I better sleep.

Crossroads

2008-05-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

I told a friend once that we all have a crossroad moment in our life. Maybe we have more than one, but there is this one really big crossroad that you just can't miss. And you have total control over the steering of the car, when you reach this one. Maybe the earlier ones, someone else was driving the car, and you wanted to turn left or right or straight, and then you blame them for taking the wrong turn. They believed in those turns, and would you want to spend your remaining life trying to reach those lost turns or move forward and find a crossroad that you have control over.

I just think I am about to reach my crossroad. It's very near. I am really scared to be honest. I am really scared of taking decisions. I would kill myself alive, if something went wrong cos of my decision. But this one is all mine. There are two basic paths. One leads me back to where I am, where I have been for the major part of this decade. And another one, leads me into the unknown.

I have just been stuck here for ever it seems. I wanna go off for an adventure, and discover life. I wanna say goodbye's. I wanna be missed. I wanna miss people. I wanna find out what relations mean to me really. I wanna learn to respect people. I wanna learn how to deal with life. I wanna learn a lot of things that I have missed out in life. And that doesnt mean a guitar or a taekwando lessons, those would be unfulfilled dreams. What I really want to learn first is all of those basic things about life that I fail to deal with. I wanna discover who I am, and find out if life works for me too.

If I choose to go into the unknown, I wouldn't have a clue abt anything. I wouldn't have my room to retreat to when I have had a horrible day. I wouldn't have parents to take granted for. I wouldn't have my little lemon tree. I wouldn't have a protective cover over me. I have always been the little kiddo of the family. My mom doesn't believe I can survive on my own. I don't know if I can too either.

But if I never try to find out, then wouldn't it become like one of those guitar or taekwando dreams? I will just rot in one of those sullen dreams. Maybe I will fail, but so what? Atleast I would have tried. Atleast I would have had chased a dream for once, rather than just dreaming it. I wish for simple things to go right, and to achieve simple objectives. Nothing fancy. I need to find my soul, I wanna feel things. I don't really know what I enjoy doing. I am not capable of being in love right now. It's just one life, isnt it. And we make it so complicated with what the world wants out of us. And trying to make ourselves suit the world's need. I haven't asked myself for years now, years I can't remember, what I really wanted. What everyone wants is what I wanted. I want to want something for once. Not just wishing for a wish.

I really want to thank avi, for not giving up on me that week in april, and sorry for being so jealous. It was such an easy thing to give up on me then. I wanna thank you for making 2007 a year I would remember forever. I wanna thank you for helping me clear CA, I know sounds weird, but trust me, I would have gone mad if I didnt have you to talk to. I figured it out that day, it wasn't about losing a friend, it was about losing an ally. An ally, who knows the fears I am dealing with. I guess you had a big influence on me and my life. And now I am preparing to jump off the ledge and find my wings.

So I have packed up all the music that I would require to keep afloat. Goo Goo Dolls it is now. I think this is probably the band after Keane, that I have instantly liked so many songs of. We would need it all to keep in touch with myself. And well lets just how it goes, I hope to bring back many stories. Its an adventure after all. And the only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind........

So, adios, for those rare readers that actually come across here.....

The Traveller Lost - Part IV

2008-04-21T22:18:00.000-07:00

Max and Emem followed behind him on the coloured pathway. They were finding it difficult to keep up with Slick, who was glancing back at regular intervals to check on their progress. The pathway seemed to be curved and stretch out to as far as could be seen. Endless, to Max, it seemed to go on till eternity. After all it had been quite a long time walking on this very dull pathway with nothing at all to see. But perhaps they didn't know that eternity is not as long as it is made out to be. It could quite often last for an infinite amount of time, or could just be over in a matter of few seconds, the reasons of which are better known to Time and Eternity. Rumours indicate that they have been having a cold war for quite a while now, and both of them is trying desperately to refute the existence of the other. And it was this minor rivalry that was going to present the travellers with a minor problem.

Slick had sped way ahead of the two, and Max was trying his best to match him for speed.
"Bammmmm!!!!" Suddenly Max walked into an invisible wall of sorts.

Slick quickly turned back. "Ouchhhh," Max was holding his face in pain.
"What the hell did I just hit," Max cried in pain.

Slick rushed back to the spot, and tried to feel the invisible wall. His hand went through the transparent wall, and the wall glowed for a second. A shiver went down his spine.

"OH NO! ETERNITY RECACULATION!" gasped Slick.

"Eternity what???" Max still in pain somehow managed to ask.

"Hurry friends we don't have time, eternity recalculation has just begun. Pup you fill him in with the details later, for now just break on through to the other side."

Max gave Slick a puzzled look.

"Just jump through, and hurry up!"

A storm was brewing out of nowhere at this very moment. Chaotic winds were moving in their direction, and the black serene sky now had shades of grey and turbulence. Max took a few step backs and then jumped through the invisible wall. He was hoping to crash through glass or some sort of substance, but instead he felt like his soul had just been electrocuted, burnt and bludgeoned all the same time. Ofcourse it didn't hurt his body, but it you ever have had the same experience with your soul then you would actually understand better (and I would also suggest you to write back to me about the whole incident).

"That was weird," Max was shivering.

"I know, very weird indeed! Let's go now." Slick said.

Emem was slowly making his way through to them too. He didn't have a soul, so that made it easier. Slick was now pulling Max by the hand and making his way across the stretch quickly. Dark winds were gathering behind them, and forming a huge vortex. It stood right there on top of the their heads it seemed spinning violently and pulling everything towards itself. Max was being dragged ferociously by Slick, and Emem had been left far behind by the two. The pathway was breaking into small chunks , like bricks, orange shiny breaks, which were further crumbling into dust behind them. And the orange dust was merging with the vortex, giving it a dark orange shade, which looked very ominous.

Slick dashed across the pathway which was soon reducing behind them. Emem was nowhere to be seen. Was he pulled away by the violent winds or did he fall into the darkness below? I am afraid I did not see that either. A gaint jump, and Max landed on solid ground.

The winds ceased as mysteriously as they had appeared. Max stood up slowly and looked behind him. He could see nothing but darkness as far as possible, while he himself stood on the edge of a narrow stone ledge, which overlooked this darkness. A ledge that had saved them from being a part of this darkness. Emem was lost in the storm. Max stared into the darkness for quite some time, hoping he would see that little thing.

"He's gone.......," finally Slick broke the silence.

"Where?"

"Dunno! Probably got sucked into the eternal sphere."

"Eternal Sphere??"

"Don't know much, they say eternity storms usually pull things into eternity sphere."

"Doesn't anything ever get out of it?"

"Not that I've ever heard of it!"

Now, this last line of Slick's may not be exactly correct. I once met a little mouse who escaped the eternity sphere and he told me all sorts of fabulous stories about the sphere. Stories of how wonderful the place is, with a garden so beautiful, even more so than eden he claimed. Only that its cluttered with all the stuff that has been pulled in every now and then. And of how a young poet is stuck there, writing poems for eternity, under an apple tree which also has a rubber tyre hanging down one of its branches. The mouse also talked fondly about his poem - Eternity Minus a Day, which goes like this some what :

Eternity Minus a Day,
Is not the same as an eternity
Take away a day
And you're left with a little less
A little less to write
A little less to see
And a little less to bear

Mathematically Etenity Minus a Day
Is the same as an eternity
But ask those who are stuck in an eternity
And they will tell you
that eternity minus a day
is eternally shorter than eternity

Even Ouroboros, who is largely preoccupied with eating up his own tail, seems to be fond of the poet, and wouldn't let him get away. The mouse however managed to escape one day while Ouroboros was distracted by the poet. He never told me the exact way out though.

Photographic Memories

2008-04-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I was going through our old family photos after a long time. It was obvious which photos I liked to go back to most. Not the recent ones. Not the ones in the nineties. But the pictures of the 80's. My father always loved taking photographs, he still has one of those polaroid cameras, and we have pictures of him and our home in the 70's too. They look very weird I must admit, guys then seemed to be all thin lanky with long hippy hair and bellbottomed pants.

Of all the places we ever lived in, I think our stay in Riyadh was the best in terms of overall happiness. Cos in Malaysia he started smoking and thats when everything started going wrong for him. And Qatar was were my life started going awefully bad, and I just decided to become invisible. I don't remember anything about Karachi, cos when they left Karachi I was not even 2. But we have lots of photographs of our stay there, and looking back at them makes me wish I could just go back there.

Thats one of the most favourite picture of my parents. I wasn't even born then. The story goes that my parents had gone to the market for some shopping and when they come back they found Vikki, my brother, sleeping in the window. And my father took out the camera and took his pictures. Vikki was always the brat, breaking stuff, breaking rules, hurting himself, and all kinda experimental stuff.

Thats him and me in Karachi. We even had a tape recording of our voices from there, but we were stupid enough to record something over it.

I was only 4-5 when we went to riyadh and around 8 when we came back. So, I have trouble remembering a lot of things there. But a lot of it as clear as crystal. We lived in a 2 floor building, which had six apartments. Ours was on the ground floor. Next doors was another embassy family, and they had two kids, both of our age, the elder one was Nitin and the younger Nikhil. I didn't get along with Nikhil cos he was quite a brat. While Nitin was much more like me. So when we used to play football outside on the road, I always teamed up with Nitin, and Nikhil with Vikki. In the summer vacations we wud have a unsaid competition of whose TV was louder. And then all four of us would get on the bikes, and gather berries from nearby areas. Once, outside some Sheikh's house, Vikki and Nitin were on top of his car, plucking berries handing them down to me and Nikhil, and suddenly the owner of the car came out, and started screaming. So, I just ran on my cycle home with all the berries. And the three of them came back home half an hour later, and I can't really remember what happened after that, but guess they got mad at me.

Thats outside our house, it was a very big road, with hardly any traffic. And thats me, when my brother was teaching me how to ride a bicycle.

The school was there was good too. My best friend in school was Piyush. His mom was our class teacher. We used to talk a lot and she used to make us sit far away. I tried searching him out on orkut, but there are more than a thousand Piyush Sharma's. And I don't really know where he would have gone in life. He was my first best friend I suppose. There was this water tower in the school and had stairs to go to the top. And it was all open kind of. And since I was really scared of heights, I crawled my way up once, after being taunted by my brother and his friends. And it was so scary and then I crawled my way down!!

Thats piyush and me, and the lower picture is me and my bro trying to dig up some treasure I guess.

People tell me that I was a very chirpy and happy kid back then. I could get along with anybody, and I was always laughing and making others laughing. And that I could make a crying person laugh with the things I said. And now I could make a laughing person cry. "And we wake up in the breakdown Of the things we never thought we could be." I don't really know what happened. Seeing those pictures I can see a very happy kid who thought life was a cake walk and he was destined for greatness.

Oh thats me, doing a Bionic Six!! That was one of my favourite cartoons back then.

There was a time when we were having a party at our home, maybe Vikki's birthday party infact. And that night some of the boys were playing football outside, and suddenly someone screamed and called out. Someone had kicked Vikki's hand instead of the ball and he broke his hand!! So party cancelled right in the middle and he rushed to the hospital. He was always running into troubles it seems. But then he had more courage than I had. Like, when our parents would lock us in the house when they went to the market, and we discovered the spare key, so despite me telling him not to, he went outside and actually ran into our parents!! And like how we had this sticker book to fill up, and the stickers came on the side of a juice tetrapack. And he would make us go into the shop and sneak out with the stickers. He actually got caught doing it too, and I think they shopkeeper called our parents. But it wasn't serious or anything then. But maybe that was the start of all further things that happened in years to come, like when he was caught shoplifting in Malaysia, cos he didn't have money to smoke. I wonder if our lives would have been different if all that hadn't happened, and he had never smoked.

As for me I just look at those pictures and wish I had lived up to the expectations of that little kid. And when I or someone else disappoints him, he just behaves so bad that its hard to understand, and it just gets so messed up.

Tonight,
When sorrow becomes my shadow
And grief makes it hard to swallow
A walk down the line,
Of a life left so far behind
Feels like heavenly dew

--Kasturi Rangan (a fellow blogist)

Little Miss Sunshine

2008-04-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

I woke up today on a monday morning, dreading to go to ITO for some work, only to discover that today is a government holiday. So, as I sat down in front of the tv, a movie started - Little Miss Sunshine.

An awesome movie, that just lifted me up a lot. And the ending of the movie is just fantastic. Seeing the whole family forget their differences and fears and shame, and jump onto the stage to stand by the little girl is just amazing. And the little girl's attitude was beyond doubt the highlight of the movie. "You're not a loser so long as you try your best."

The movie made me realise about my self created problems. Our time in this world is ridiculously small. And our interaction with most people is so small that they hardly have time to remember us. So should we choose to be ashamed of who we are in front of them, rather that forget about them and enjoy our life to the fullest. We gotta do what we gotta do. And no one else can do it for us. And by being someone we're not we're not going to help ourselves at the end of the day. By standing by ourselves and more importantly the ones we love, without caring about the world, we can achieve a lot more than the other way round.

A beauty pageant not won is not the end of the life, but suppressing our actions could lead to the end of the world....

What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
walk on, wlk on....

Dusty Remains of a Weblog

2008-04-10T09:57:00.000-07:00

For whom, it suddenly occurred to him to wonder, was he writing this diary? For the future, for the unborn.His mind hovered for a moment round the doubtful date on the page, and then fetched up with a bump against the Newspeak word doublethink. For the first time the magnitude of what he had undertaken came home to him. How could you communicate with the future? It was of its nature impossible. Either the future would resemble the present, in which case it would not listen to him: or it would be different from it, and his predicament would be meaningless. (From 1984 by George Orwell)

Very recently, when I was googling for the words - I wasn't jumping for me it was a fall, a very very interesting blog came up on the search list. A deserted blog infact. Deserted on 20th july 2006. And the last line of that blog just echoed what this paragraph from 1984 says.

It’s been more than four years now. I see no point in carrying on with online journalling. In time to come, I will perhaps talk about all this on a Sunday afternoon. But the time has come for us to just say goodbye. No more ’see you’s or ‘cheers’ or ‘later’ because there will not be anymore. And perhaps in time to come, you too, dear reader, will realise the futility and vanity of all this.
Goodbye.

Very haunting yet bitterly true words which I am slowly understanding. The whole blog was a very interesting one. And one that seemed very familiar. There is no email or no other link, I would have loved to have talked to the person once. I picked up a very interesting idea from his blog, which I will give him full credit of, once and if ever I finish my story.

I collect my memories like little gems - blues, greens, reds, purples, ambers, and other colours that lay nestled in my mind, and for the most precious ones, in my heart.

The person was an avid U2 fan, and it is a U2 song lyric that brought me to his page. I listened to the song - Walk On, after reading part of the lyrics from his blog, and its a fantastic song too.

But there was so much that felt like deja vu on that blog. His entry on 31st May,2006 read

Down the rabbit hole… how far will I go?

And if I could, I would never come home.

Ipso facto
Using up your oxygen, you know i’m shallow
Calling out for extra help
You’ve got to let me in or let me out

Now that was really odd! Very very odd!

And then 30th May, 2006

Most times, I am overflowing with thoughts, with a large majority of them being very dark and unsuitable for coffee shop conversations. And in those moments, I truly feel like I can’t belong. Like I’m lying on the fringes of society, not wanting to belong, and not being allowed to belong anyway. Perhaps that’s why I find the notion of being in transit, constantly on the move, unsettled, and uprooted rather comforting. Sure I miss the familiar faces, and the same ‘ol same ‘ol things of home, but I just can’t shrug off that feeling of I don’t belong here.

Thats what I feel most of the times. People misunderstand this feeling by thinking that I am trying to run away or not trying to learn how to fly by jumping. But thats not the point, its just like that line again - I wasn't jumping for me it was a fall, a long way down to nothing at all. But we'll keep the discussion to this blog.

There was a lot of soccer blogs too, the person was a bigtime soccer fan. And some family blogs and general travel blogs. The person had probably travelled a lot and it was connected to his work or study maybe.

I find myself sitting awake in front of the computer screen. With the lingering thoughts of a cold night by the river. We don’t talk much these days, me and my antithesis.

And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be

Antithesis is the completely opposite part of you. Like Yin and Yang. Sort of like your alter ego. When you shut that other person inside you, I think you achieve a sort of a feeling of No feeling. That antithesis brings in unrest, and when you are finally not talking to him, then maybe you could be thinking more clearly.

There are a few short stories here and there in the blog too. I felt that those were clearly inspired from personal events in life rather than just being fictional.

I am in a state of suspension now. Just so tired of having to think so much, and yet, there is too much to sort out. Like a computer that hasn’t been defragmented for the longest time. I just wished I had a boat to sail out to sea. And never come back

When I am in a bus, I just love staring out of the window and wishing that this bus ride wouldnt ever end and I wouldnt have to get down for a destination, and I could just be seated right there and the bus would keep going and going. I am suspended on a chair right now with my leg on the computer table, and I've been writing for the last 2 hours. I can keep this going all night.

But the question fisherkid and 1984 pose is who am I doing this for? For myself? Yes thats how I started it. And then maybe I lost a purpose of the whole thing. I do have a story to finish, lots of ideas flowing inside my head, and lots of characters, and lots of lines floating. Could I just finish the story before I leave home. Maybe I will eventually find my wings now....

The Traveller Lost - Part III

2008-04-10T08:10:00.001-07:00

The hand remained suspended in the air with no takers.

"Err, oh I see," and the shade began transforming into a humanoid figure, all black but with eyes and a mouth and two hands and two legs. "So, lets do it one more time. Hi, I'm Slick," and it extended its hand once more.

Max tentatively moved his hand up to shake hands with the shade. When the hands met he felt like he touched solid frozen ice right from Antarctica, but ofcourse he had no clue what Antarctica was.

"Ouch! That's cold!"

"Sure it is kiddo, that's cos its the right hand. You wanna shake hands with the left hand?"

"No! No no no! Its fine, its perfectly fine."

"And how are you doing little pup," the shade tapped on the top of the head (?) of Emem.

"Excuse me? Pup? My name is Emem," Emem seeked to clarify.

"Yeah yeah, Emem pup. Ok right, we don't have a lot of time, let's get going," the shade grabbed Max's arm and started to pull him forward.

"But where are we going?" Max tried to stop him.

"To get back your memories! What else? Let's go, no time to waste."

"Excuse me, how would you know where the memories are?" Emem called out from behind.

"Ofcourse I do, listen lets start walking and I'll tell ya everything on the way."

"The way to......" Emem questioned once more.

"Pup! You're getting on my nerves. Listen! Max's memories have been taken to the central processing center for disposal."

"Disposal!!!!!!" Max screamed.

"Yeah cos apparently there was no one to claim them, so..."

"And why would you want to help us out?" Emem was eyeing the shade skeptically.

"Oh come on, can't I help a lost person? Does that sound so evil? Ok fine, you can go on your own."

No one said a word. A second passed, two seconds, three seconds passed.

"Ok right! Something of mine was also in this chamber and they took that too, so I have to go there to retrieve it."

"Something yours, but..." Emem started to question once more.

"Listen Pup! I ain't answering any of your question. Since neither of you know the way, just quietly follow me. Ok!"

The shade then drifted out of the chamber through the door. Max looked at Emem.

"What say you?"

"I don't trust him, something is wrong. I must tell you that as a rule, in a memory chamber all the contents belong to you and only you. Then how can something his be here?"

"I dunno! But I say lets just follow him, atleast he will lead me to my memories," Max said and walked out of the door too, and was quickly followed by Emem.

As they stepped out, they discovered that it wasn't the same outside the door as it had been when they entered it. They were standing on an illuminated pathway that seemed to branch into numerous directions. The musty overhead roof had disappeared, and was now filled with darkness all around, clearly distinguishable from the light of the pathway.

"So wisecrack, can you do it on your own now?" Slick had a shot at Emem.

Emem seemed to mumble something incomprehensible, maybe a foul robot words which I am unaware of.

"Ok lets see," Slick took out a map from inside him, and started studying it with great intensity.

"Right it's the 2rd, then the 3rd and then the 5th passage."

"Uhunnn...." Max nodded.

"You follow that Pup, store it up in case you forget," Slick had a rise smile on his face. And Emem was hating every moment of Slick's company.

Slick, who seemed to be hovering just a centimetre above the floor, drifted forward towards the second pathway from the left. As he reached the start of the pathway, it illuminated further and changed its colour to orange. Slick paused and his shoulders and head dropped.

"Feel like dancing under a rainbow,
Feel like singing happy songs,
But my rainbow, no my rainbow,
won't shine for me."

Max and Emem stared at him with utter disbelief. What was this they were witnessing, a shadow was muttering poetry! A site to behold I must say. I thought I saw a tear roll down the cheek too, but I won't vouch for it.

"Oh come on hurry up," Slick suddenly alerted from his emotional state ordered, "Damn! This place always makes me feel sick!" And he hurried along the orange pathway.

My First Interview

2008-04-09T06:08:00.000-07:00

I had never given an interview in my life before. I got my articleship job without an interview because my cousin had done his articleship from that firm too, and he just introduced me to them and they asked me to come from monday.

So, today, well the night was really horrible and I hardly slept. Not cos of the interview but something else. I reached the auditorium where the campus interviews were to take place by 9am, an hour before the interview, but many others came even before me! So just about then an sms came which kinda gave me a lot of mental relief and I cud finally smile there.

So, TCS had shortlisted just 39 candidates, the least by any company there. They held a written test on the 4th where there were around 200 candidates, and they shortlisted only 39. I was the first to reach their interview place. Nobody had come. Not even the TCS people. So I just went to the Indian Oil interview place, my other interview slotted for the day. There the interviews had started but I just wanted to get into TCS more, so I came back downstairs to the TCS room.

As I waited there, other kids came in, and for a change I smilingly talked to most of them. There was this very smily girl that I sort of helped out, I even ran into her later after the interview. I chatted with most of there. There was one girl from my GMCS batch, and there was one guy who was sitting infront of me on the test day. Then the TCS people came after a while, they were 5. After taking some time, around 20 minutes, they split up into two teams of 3 and 2 in the large board room, outside which all of us were waiting. Since me and a girl were closest to the door, they asked us to go in first. She went to the group of 2 men (they looked real mean), and I went to group of 3 with a pretty lady and 2 men.

So, the lady asked me to sit down, while I was already in the process of sitting down. And then she asked me how I was, which I was completely unprepared for. I stuttered and replied I am fine and asked the question back. I can't remember if she replied it. So, technically her first question was - tell me something about yourself? So, I had rehearsed this one, and I started on the same lines, but in the middle she had a confusion with my college period and articleship period clashing so she stopped me right there. I clarified the thing to her that I was on leave for the first two months of my training for my final year exams. Then came lots of questions and I didn't handle them really well. Like

1.Are you comfortable with Accounting Standards? Yes.
Ok, tell me something about AS - 22.

I went - AS-22?!? (In all the AS they had to ask this one (but it was better than asking AS-15 which I had absolutely no clue about)) And then I start stopped to tell a few lines which weren't encouraging.

So, she modified the question to - Ok, what is a deferred tax asset?

Damn! Cruel people! Now not only me, I am sure most kids would be confused between a DT Asset and a DT liability, especially if the last time they saw these words were way back in May 2007. So, I started and she interrupted, and then I started again. Then it finally click inside my head what it was. So, I composed myself and said - Sorry could I start over again. And then I explained it in the right way.

The person on her right was giving me villainous looks. Yes! He was the villain in question. But it was still her questioning.

2.I see from ur CV that you've done a lot of audit work. You haven't done any internal audits? - No.

3.Were you involved alone in the audits?
Yes, Mainly alone. And then she started saying something, but I interrupted anyway to say - But in the last year I had subordinates under me for audit work. And I was sort of a team leader. (What kind of line was that - "sort of"! A bell rang inside me, but luckily it didnt ring inside them :) )

4.So what was the team size? Maximum 3, we had a small staff (completely honest)

5.You've done audits of charitable trusts, so what are the specific provisions in that?

Now this is where I started using the words Actually, really, mainly, all words that I was told to avoid in an interview. So I started with something else and then I jumped in between to anonymous donations and then finished up with a section I wasn't really sure of, and I am sure she wasn't aware of either.

6.Tell us about TDS?

This one I handled really well I think.

Now the left guy who was largely invisible till now jumped in.

7.Are you comfortable with financial management? I could'nt even hear him, so I asked him to repeat, which he did, and I replied yes. So, he asked about derivatives?

Now, this is where that telephonic conversation 2 days back with Taruna was really beneficial. She got into TCS 6 months back and she told me what kind of questions they had asked. And derivatives was one of them. I was ready for it. And I kinda pounced on it - Yeah sure, so derivatives are blah blah blah.

Now, he goes on to ask - what are the types of derivatives? I answer it as options, futures, and I go on to say forwards (not sure).

So, he asks whats the difference between a future and a forward?

Now I knew the answer to that but I forgot a word, which I also happen to be forgetting right now, ummm - "standardised" Yeah! So I was to say - Futures are standardised Forwards. But I lost that word so I repeated that line with all kind of funny synonyms 3 times and still couldnt find the word. So I changed it all together to say something else which was true as well. The guy didnt look convinced but the lady nodded her head to say that would do.

8. Ok now the lady asked me if I had done any specific computer programmes? I said No (I said NO??)

But the guy on the right who was the villain so far, jumped in between as said - you have written in ur CV that you know C & C++. Oh yeah, I know that. So then they asked me lots of computer questions which I did ok with.

But then the villain gave me an opportunity to do something that I am sure got me the job. He bacame the ultimate hero by asking me to write a program in C to add two numbers!!! You kidding me right, thats like a dream come true! Thats as easy as drinking water, no even easier than that. I was like - oh yeah, gimme a paper, sure thing. I quickly scribbled the program, which he took and didnt give an expression. Ofocurse it was right, I could right those if you woke me up at 2am in the night.

9.Then the villain goes on to ask my weakness?
Well I was honest, I said - I can sometimes be impatient with people. (Example - this week). SO, he asked what I was going to do about it? And I had a big smile on my face - I am going to try to be more patient.

10.Then he also asked me about the company? I told them that TCS was the biggest software company in Asia. Then he asked me if I knew what the turnover of TCS is?

I said - I am not sure but I think its $50 billion. He had a hint of a smile - It's only $5 Billion!! Whatever, so what I only added a zero right!

And then he asked if I knew the total number of employees of TCS? Yeah! Wiki to the rescue, 110000+ .

Then he asked if I was ready to go anywhere into India, and I said Yeah I was, except mumbai. And then he tried convincing me for mumbai and I tried explaining why I wont go there. Then I said that if u give me an accomodation there then I wouldnt mind going. He said he can't do that ofcourse.

So, that was the first round of interview and they asked me to go outside. I didnt realise it took almost 25-30 minutes. And all the kids outside jumped on me - what are they asking? what were u writing? are they making us do sums in there? And I patiently replied each one completely honestly truthfully.

Then after 5 minutes, a guy from inside gave me a form to fill up. I had cleared the first round. So, as soon as I gave back the form, they called me in for the second round.

There was a 6th person, a girl, who was doing this round. So, she mainly asked me stuff about my family, and my hobbies, and about the job. And then she asked me if I was open to relocation? I said I am ready to go anywhere except mumbai? Reason being the accomodation. And she said that she wouldn't commit but she would try that I don't get mumbai. And yeah she also asked I question which I was the most satisfied to reply calmly. She asked which college I had gone to? Just a couple of weeks back, I had dogded that question by saying that I never went to college, cos all the other people were from really good colleges. But today I just said it so calmly and I didn't give it a damn. I was really happy at that. So then she gave a paper to sign, that I won't be attending any more interviews. Which I didn't think about and immediately signed. And then she said - Congratulations you are part of TCS now.

She also told me that I would be attending a training programme of 17 days (most likely in Trivandrum) very soon. And other stuff that I didnt really listen to, like the pay package and all.

So, it was pretty good all together. I got a job and I think it wasn't really CA that got me the job, but 'C' rather. But CA got me into that interview room. And I would have to sign a two year service agreement, which the kids outside said I should have protested against. Why? I am not changing jobs for atleast 3-5 years. I am there to stay, so I don't mind. By then they had rejected 5 kids and I didn't see anyone else selected, so I decided to leave for home. On the way out I ran into that smily girl and she was still all smiles. And she still had to give her interview so I wished her luck and said hope to see you in TCS too. And well yeah I left for home.

Oh yeah, that guy from Sagar! He's going to UAE. Cool! He got selected by a company from UAE and they are giving him 11 lakhs. Wow! He's a pretty nice guy to deserve that. He was really nervous about the whole thing too, really glad for him. I would have loved to go to UAE too, but they didn't shortlist me. Anyway, so I am hoping that TCS would send me far away from delhi like Hyderabad or chennai or bangalore or anywhere. Lets see what happens. But whatever I do, I would just stay miles away from Orkut, which causes me nothing but harm all the time. And when I finally get into work which could be by the starting of May, I just hope I would be out of here.

The Traveller Lost - Part II

2008-04-01T05:58:00.000-07:00

(refer Part I for the starting)

"Oh oh, that's a big problem," Emem said in deep thought.

"Is it?" Max had no clue as to what a big problem was.

"SECTOR 5!!!!"

"Sector 5????"

"Yes! Sector 5!! That's where we have to go."

"What's Sector 5."

"You seriously don't know what Sector 5 is??"

Max was extremely annoyed at this question. First of all he was here stuck in a world (if you would choose to call it that) that seemed completely alien, and he was in the company of a creature he was sure he hadn't witnessed before, even if his memory came back, and on top of that he was continuously being asked rhetorical questions.

He drew a deep breath and said, "Look can't you just answer my questions."

"That would be appropriate, would'nt it. I'll take note of that."

As animatedly as Max had taken in the breath, he deflated - "Thank youuuuu."

"Sector 5 is where the memories are stocked, that's where we should go. We'll just have to report a case of missing memories and everything should be fixed in no time."

"You know, thats the first sensible thing I've heard all mor..... wait..... is it morning or night ....waitt.... what's morning or night like?"

Emem spun his head in a complete 360, twice actually, "You know I'm just a simple music playing machine, but now I wish I had got that degree on human stuff. You want to hear a song on night to get an idea of what's it like?"

Before Max could say yes or no (a no was more likely), a dark haunting music started to play, followed by a deep brooding voice

Take the highway to the end of the night
End of the night, end of the night
Take a journey to the bright midnight
End of the night, end of the night
..........

Gosh! Max was really spooked by the song combined with his eerie surroundings. Pop...Wheels popped out below Emem and it started to move forward along, the only direction possible I suppose. Max quietly followed the tin can. The song kept repeating again and again, and Max had gotten used to the sudden jump in the voice at a particular part of the song, which had at first spooked him.

However, little did these two know that they were being closely watched and followed by another strange wanderer, a shade actually, not of the colour blue, but black rather. But it would be unfair on my part to divulge his intentions at this stage.

So after some time, which wasn't that long at all, maybe around 59 minutes of walking in the only direction possible, sometimes going up, sometimes down, sometimes curving to the left, and sometimes to the right, they arrived at a door. A very ordinary looking worn down wooden door, on the right side of the corridor.

"Don't be surprised at the size of this place. It keeps expanding as new memories come in." Emem informed Max.

"How come I lost my memories?"

"Emmmm! Well that happens sometimes, you feel a little foggy right? They will fix up that fog and you will be out of here in no time. Ok now, turn that knob."

Max nodded, and slowly turned the rusted metal knob. The door opened with a mild creak, and Lo Presto! They stood in a gigantic hall !! Which apparently had no walls. And also happened to be completely empty. A hollow sound of wind was audible, but there was no wind blowing inside. Max looked left, looked right, looked up and then straight at Emem. Emem did exactly the same as well. So now they were staring at each other without a clue as to what had happened.

"Quite a big place," Max said sarcastically.

"I don't understand, this is where the memories are supposed to be. This is an anomaly."

"Anomaly ganomaly, I want my memories right now," Max broke down and thumped into the ground.

Somethings happen in life for a apparent reason. Others happen for no apparent reason. And yet there are some other things that happen which are not even closely related to the farthest cousin of Reason. Those are the things that actually run this galaxy and the universe and all of us. Would that imply fate? Nope, Fate is actually an old man that does have a room in this corridor, and all he does is circulate rumours. This other power is far stronger and it at work even as you are reading this stupid little paragraph.

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Emem's emergency response to this critical situation was resulting in a song blaring in this huge hall, and the sound was reverberating in the hall, making it more so unbearable.

"STOP ITTTTTT," screamed Max with his hands on his ears.

Silence. Complete silence.

Shhhhhhhh.... a strange sound from nowhere. Shhhhhhhhhh..... some more sound. Max thought he must be imagining sounds now.

More mysterious things in this strange land. Now I am thinking what isnt mysterious in this land? I bet even Max is wondering where this story is leading? Does the writer have any idea how is he going to pull this off. I assure you he doesnt.

Anyway, so Max looked at Emem for the origin of this sound. Emem shrugged his shoulders as to say - 'That wasn't me boss' (oh yes he has tiny little shoulders that can be shrugged).

"Hey you two!!" A voice called out to them from nearly far away.

A figure seperated from the principally invisible wall. A black shade (??)!! Two hands formed out of the shade and seemed to be dusting itself.

"Eh sorry, this white stuff always seems to get stuck to me," said the shade and extended a hand forward.

Mad World

2008-03-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad World
Enlarging your world
Mad World.

It's a mad mad world. Music comes to haunt me again. I am staring at the screen for no obvious reason. The opening piano is enough to take you away. Maybe its not the best song to hear to, but I still like the lyrics.

The dreams in which I am dying are the best I've ever had. Do you know how it feels like to die in your dreams? It's a feeling of complete helplessness. Quiet tears roll down your cheeks and they are very invisible. You would'nt want them to be visible either. It's so true that when you feel like that - its both funny and sad. I always give out a small laugh at such a time, telling myself - not again kiddo, we've been thru this before. It's sad cos it is. You can see those dreams haunting you over and over again. And no one sees them but you. No one understands why they will always be dreams but you. And then those dreams kill you, stab you, murder every inch of your soul. What do you do then? Turn your anger outwards and murder that person that carries that soul. Make him a complete fool.

And then you get shallower with each murder committed. And you cease to know the person that was once was you. Why is everyone running for something. But maybe this is not at all about others, its about your ownself and your own inability to transform your lucid dreams into something more real. But looking at them now, dreams look good as dreams, trying to grasp them is out of the question. Maybe cos all you will end up holding ur hand is air. It's just one life, and why does it all have to be so funnily complicated. Nothing is going to change and tomorrow will certainly come unless you have had enough of killing yourself each day. And maybe that day you would be somewhere better..........

Book Review : The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

2008-03-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

bu Douglas Adams)
Have you ever had sleepless nights wondering whatever happened to all the ballpoint pens you had bought in the last few years. Well wait no more, cause this book brings you a quaint little theory on the matter. And even if didn't think about that, you ought to now.

This book doesn't need a review from me, but I am going to do it anyhow. It's funny how when you're not looking for something, you actually end up finding it. This is probably the most insanely funny book you would ever come across. And not just stupid humour, wittiest humour at its best. And that's what the book is essentially about. There is a plot, but that is not the main attraction of the story. There are some mind bogglingly lovable characters, some strange yet amazing new FACTS to emerge and of course the occasional hitchhikers guide on the way. In fact if you've ever wondered - why are we born? Why do we die? And why do we spend so much time in between wearing digital watches? then this is the book to read. Of course if you never wonder about anything then you're better off without reading this book, cause it may damage your brain cells.

The plot of the story is fairly simple enough for you to roll all over the ground. But the best thing about this book is the characters and the narration. So, lets take'em all one at a time.

Arthur Dent is the main earthling in question. On a thursday morning, on the third planet from the sun, his house is to be demolished to make way for a bypass. But as fate would have, that same thursday, the third planet from the sun was also to be demolished to make way for a hyperspatial expressway. Arthur turned out to be the only earthling to escape earth, besides Trillian ofcourse, who escaped much before the plot begins. When he finally realised that Earth was gone, he took the loss of his parents and sister nicely, but the loss of Nelson's Column and McDonalds was too much to bear and he passes out. But he's pretty smart for an average earthling.

Ford Prefect is an alien (ofcourse!!), and he is from around Betelguese, and has been stuck on earth for the last 15 years. He is a roving researcher for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which guarantees an impverished hitchhiker to see the marvels of the universe in less than thirty Altairian dollars. Ford doesnt get sarcasm, and he's pretty straight faced. But he is a good hitchhiker and knows the universe well. He is also a semi-cousin of Zaphod Beeblebrox. He tries valiantly to convince a vogon space guard not to throw them off the space ship and even teaches him Beethoven's fifth - da da da dum!!

Zaphod Beeblebrox is the current president of the Imperial Galactic Government, with absolutely no power. He also happens to be an adventurer, ex-hippie, good timer and a lot more. He also happens to have three hands and two heads. Zaphod's got style, and though he does have brains, he uses them rather sparingly. Zaphod steals the newest ship in the universe - the infinity drive powered, the Heart of Gold. And though is unaware of his purpose of stealing the ship at first, he is actually subconciously aware of the whole thing, which is actually not known to him or us. Trillian is often quite annoyed by Zaphod not bothering to think, and wanting someone else to do the job for him.

Trillian or Tricia McMillan, also happens to be from planet Earth. Actually at a flat in Islington, Arthur Dent was trying to get along with her and failing miserably, and Zaphod gate-crashed that same very party, and wooed away Trillian. And the two of them meet again, but in space, and only by a very very miniscule probability, the actual number of which also happened to be the telephone number of that Islington flat. Are our lives governed by telephone numbers or what!! She is fairly intelligent and beautiful, quite unlike Earthlings I suppose.

Ok, whats worse than a clinically, maniacally, irritably depressed and contemptous person? A clinically, maniacally, irritably depressed and contemptous robot. Yes thats Marvin, and a lot more too actually. He is definitely my favourite character of the book. Marvin is introduced into the story, when aboard the Heart of Gold Trillian asks him to bring the two aliens - Ford and Arthur to the bridge, to which the robot replies - I won't enjoy it!! Yes, everyone is quite flustered with him and his sensitivities. But he is quite cute really, and in the end he is the unlikely hero when after explaining his view on the universe, the enemy ship commits suicide!

There are lots of other minor characters in the story like Slartibartfast - the old planet developer who lives on the legendary planet Magrathea. He did design Norway on the original Earth. There is Prostenic Vogon Jeltz, the captain of the Vogon ship that destroy's Earth. He tortures Arthur and Ford with Vogon poetry, which is the third worst in the universe. And Deep Thought, the "second-best" computer who comes up with the answer to life, universe and everything as 42. His suggestion to the answer seekers is to find the right question first. There is Benjy and Franky mouse, two of the mice researchers on Earth, searching for the ultimate question. They escaped Earth along with Trillian and manipulated her to reach Magrathea. But the star minor character has to be Veet Voojagig, the quiet young academically brilliant student at the university of Maximegalon, who one night after drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with Zaphod becomes obsessed with the problem of what happened to all the ball point pens he had lost in the last few years. To listen to his theory you gotta read the book.

The whole book is filled with memorable lines. Some of the best, I am quoting right here :

"On this particular thursday, something was moving quietly through the ionosphere many miles above the surface of the planet; several somethings in fact, several dozen huge yellow chunky slablike somethings..."

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way as bricks don't."

"He had found a NutriMatic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite entirely unlike tea."

"Er...., said the guard, er....er.....I dunno. I think I just sort of.... do it really. My aunt said that spaceship guard was a good career for a young Vogon, you know the uniform, the low-slung stun ray, the mindless tedium..."

"Sorry did I say something wrong? said Marvin, dragging himself on regardless. Pardon me for breathing which I never do so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh God, I'm so depressed. Here's another one of those self-satisfied doors. Life! Don't talk to me about life."

So, all in all you gotta read this book. Cause your life would'nt make nonsense without it. I would give it a 4.9 outta 5 anyday. ANd 0.1 docked only cos I wish it was longer than what it was. So, get hitchhiker's and p.s. - don't forget to bring a towel!!

The Traveller Lost - Part I

2008-02-13T22:01:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, far far away, in the land of the corridors, a man landed in a corridor without any real purpose. The man could have been a boy too, but he was suppose to be a man, so I call him a man for all purposes. How he landed there, is not really clear at this moment. I am sure, he caused it to happen somehow, though he would certainly deny it.

So he landed in a dark, damp and reeking corridor. I am reliably informed that not all corridors are like this. Most are well lit, and some are even lavishly decorated. But this was his corridor, and a very narrow one at that. He could not see very far into the corridor because of the darkness, but from what he could see, the plaster had come off the wall from places, water was dripping from the roof a few feet ahead of him. All of the sudden, a large spider dropped out of somewhere onto his shoulder, and he gave out a loud shriek and pushed it off his shoulder and leaped a few steps to the right. The spider gave him a good hard look, and then as mysteriously as it had appeared, it vanished into the darkness.

The man still brushing his shoulder and staring at the spot where the spider ought to have been, got up slowly. For our purposes we ought to give this man a name, for that it seems would be quite convenient rather than referring to him as THE MAN. Because quite clearly he is no relative of HE MAN. But naming has often been a concern for one and all and I am no different. Let's name him Max, as in mighty max, the boy with the cap who could open portals to different worlds. For those of you who cannot place Mighty Max correctly in their memory, they can assume the previous line does not exist at all and the man's name has been Max from the second he entered into this corridor.

Ping!
Ping!
Ping!
The sound of water falling was echoing through the corridor. But wait, isn't the sound of water falling more like DRIP. This was more like PING. Max heard it a little longer, and then he could hear some other strange sounds coming along with it too. He had heard these sounds before, maybe in his dreams, maybe somewhere far away. A soft guitar solo was now playing in the background, as Max with his puzzled eyes moved forward in what seemed like a maze to him. The light which was just enough for him to make out the boundaries, seemed to be moving with him. But he wasnt sure what the source of this light was.

Suddenly he could hear the first sounds of drums as well, and then the first submerged voice rolled out :

Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air
And deep beneath the rolling waves in labyrinths of coral caves
The echo of a distant tide
Comes willowing across the sand
And everything is green and submarine

A Pink Floyd song!! What in the world was a Pink Floyd song doing in this corridor? And who was playing it? And why was he playing it? All too many questions for one head I am afraid. As max moved ahead, feeling the solid wall, he suddenly noticed a queer box from which this sound seemed to be emanating. A queer plastic box indeed, having a glowing blue globe in its top half and the bottom half with rusted metal grills.

Max knocked on the top of the box and the music stopped. Then he knocked again, and he thought he heard a faint OUCH! Now that would be very odd from where Max came from, and being as curious if not more than a cat, he put his ear on the top of the box. And by putting I dont mean he literally tore off his ear and put it there, ofcourse he moved his whole body to be aligned that way. He gently knocked on the plastic surface again, and this time the feeble ouch was clearly heard.

Was it possible that he just heard an OUCH from a plastic box? He looked around and not knowing what to do further, he dropped on his knees, so that his eyes were level with the glowing blue globe. There was another orb inside the globe which seemed to be revolving in the center. Suddenly it stopped, and contracted to be reduced to half its original size. As he stared into the globe observing the orb, he almost felt that the orb was staring it back.

"That hurts you know,", a voice suddenly peirced the silence of the corridor, and Max nervously crawled back a few paces. However there was something so innocent about the voice that he wasnt scared of its existence. Instead he stared at the box again. What curious land was this, where curiosity seemed to be getting better of him over and over again.

"Oh! I wasnt really supposed to speak," the innocent voice came out again from the box. "They're gonna scrap me this time."
"You can talk!"
"Ofcourse I can! Everyone can! Not really everyone though, but most anyhow. I'm Emem."
"Emem?"
"Yeah, I am Emem, a Music Machine!"

"I dont think I've met a music machine before. Infact I don't remember much at all. This is odd indeed I can feel, but I cannot really gather a reason to conclude why it should be so. What am I? What is this place? Have I always been here?"

The machine had a sense of complete confusion about it, as well as a machine can potray confusion. Maybe if this was a Japanese cartoon, there might have been several exclamation marks over the head of the poor machine. But this isnt a Japanese cartoon, atleast not for now.

"And do I take you by the hand, and lead you through the land..." the machine started playing the music again.

"Stop that! Answer my question."

"I am programmed to play background music. Thats my job, to play music that blends into the background of the situation. As for you questions, I dont know their answers, and even if I did I dont think it would be possible to retrieve them from me."

Max felt it was useless to argue with a machine. He sat down on the ground and put his hands on his head to recollect his memories. How was it possible that he remembered listening to this song somewhere before, but he had no clue as to who he was. And what was this place, and if he had no memory, then why was he convinced that this was not the place for him to be. Surely there was an explanation to it all. He closed his eyes and something flashed inside, like a memory, like a scene. When you blink your eye, its opened before you even knew it. But this was like a blink where everything turned pitch black when your eyelid opened back again. But the question was not this darkness, but rather the light that preceeded the darkness.

But in my humble opinion, perhaps the darkness was spawned all by itself right from the beginning, and there was never any "LIGHT". I mean, who claims to have seen light after all, and those very few who have, might as well claim that they had seen UFO's. But then thats my personal opinion and would lead to the misleading of the story, and this story is Max's story and not mine. So, I should keep my opinions to myself.

"I have just concluded that you must be Max!" The machine's voice suddenly broke Max's chain of thought.

"How have you concluded that?" Max retorted.

"It's a very logical conclusion actually."

"Logical Conclusion!!! What has logic to do with that?"

"Logic has everything to do with everything. Isnt 2+2 = 4, the same way you are Max, and Max is you."

"How can you be so sure that 2+2 is four. They might be 5 or 3 or maybe nothing at all really, for all I know."

"But not here I'm afraid. Thats a different world, here 2+2 are always 4."

This argument was getting sillier by the minute. Someone had to end this. I am glad finally Max decided to take a step back.

"Listen! Whatever you are! Can you show me the way out of here?"

"The way out?"

"Yes! Out!! Some door out of here."

"Hypothetically if a way out of here was to exist here, then surely a way IN would exist too, wouldnt it?? And you're the one who got IN, not me! So surely you would know the way out or the way in for that matter.

"But I dont remember anything before this. You just informed me that I am Max. I can't even remember that."

Booya!!

2008-01-15T05:25:00.000-08:00

I like this word!! Its funny and expecially when the Human Torch says it... Booya!! Ding!! The Turkey is roasted!!

Its been a horrible start to a year, and its gonna get even worse as it goes on. I know, this is gonna be one of the worst years of my life. Anyhow, so I really forgot what I was gonna write about?

Two songs - Losing Your Religion and Square One. Losing your religion is about losing things you believe in while trying to keep up with life and trying to get someone I guess. Oh no I said tooo much!!!! Chasing something always leads to disruption... It doesnt get you that thing, never, ever.

Square One is a song by coldplay. The only other coldplay I like is Trouble. This one has a great feeling to it. He says you're in control, but thats rarely true, we are never in control. Everything has been controlled for us, we are preprogrammed. And to break away from that is impossible. And if you can manage to do it, that wud be great and scream out then Boooooooooooooooyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
First line of the first page to the end of the last day, its all setup, you were a mere actor in it. Why cudnt I get a easier role to play!! I saw a role I wud have liked the other day, that wud have been easier. They obviously bleeded all my colours into one!!! Gimme back my colours!! And when he says somebody listening to what you say... whose listening to you anyhow!! Somewhere in human history LISTENING became a commercial activity as well. You have to get something outta listening to someone!! You wudnt listen to something where you cant derive anything out of it.

And a third song, I just heard. I dont care about the lyrics of this song, all it goes is like - I wanna be adored - I wanna be adored. I dont need to sell my soul, he's already in me. Thats the eternal fight for you, selling your soul to be adored. What would you rather do? Think I am going crazy................Boooooyaaaaaaaa!! I am crazy!! :) Cut off from human civilization already, if I fail, I would abandon my virtual post as well. Why am I living a virtual life already? I dont know...... time's up....... Booooooyaaaa!!

Aliens and Time Travel and Some Memories

2008-01-11T03:19:00.000-08:00

I was recently flipping through channels when I suddenly stopped to that tune. X-files at 10.45pm. If there is one show I always wanted to watch, it was x-files. It used to come some years back on star world too, but then it was in between and was pretty difficult to understand. I wanted to watch it from the start, and finally its happening, though its dubbed in hindi. Fox Moulder and Dana Scully, two FBI agents, who are investigating the paranormal, or more specifically aliens, where moulder is a believer and scully is a skeptic.

Back in 1994 or 1995, when I was in Malaysia, this show was new then. And it was a talking point in the class if I remember right. X-files and Time Trax were two shows that ran back to back from 9.30 to 11.30. And the fact that one was on aliens and the other on time travel, I really wanted to watch them. But we had to sleep by 9 then. There were no hindi serials on offer on the tv then, and so my parents werent really much of tv watchers anyhow. So lights off at 9pm sharp. I think I even had a fight about it one day, and my mom angrily made me sit in the front of the tv alone, and I felt so guilty that I quietly closed the tv and went to sleep.

Also in the same duration, the star wars movie once came on tv, at 9pm. I remember watching the first half hour, with the holographic image of Leia and the robots and a desert, but the tv was closed at 9.30pm. So basically, I never saw any of this stuff then, but aliens and time travel and science fiction in general always attracted me, but I guess that would be true for most kids my age.

So, last night I was thinking about all this, when I pulled up some other memories as well. Back in Malaysia, there was this boy in my class but the other section, who was a distant maternal uncle of mine. I dont even remember how we're related, but its one of those weird ones, where your uncle is your age. So they were these two brothers as well, the elder one being my brother's age too. Their dad was an engineer. And their mother was a very social woman I suppose.

We went to their homes a couple of times, or maybe 4 or 5 times. Since the dad was an engineer, they were rich I suppose, and had a pretty good house as well. Much bigger than ours. Down the years in my life, I have developed this dislike towards rich people. I dont know if it existed then. They werent really haughty people, but I somehow disliked them I guess. They had a computer then, which was quite a big thing for us back then I suppose. I remember he put on the Mortal Kombat game, which was a huge thing in the school, and well he was concerned about me doing something to his computer, so he just let me touch the keyboard once I suppose. He he, perfectly ok I guess.

So once there was this party in their house, and we went there, and I am not sure we fitted in, but we went cos our mom wanted us to. So there were all these kids, probably from the engineer community, infront of a tv, playing this super cool mario game (Super Mario Bros. 3). We just watched, I had never played on a nintendo then. I am sure if I was them, I would have probably done the same too, so I got no hard feelings for that. Then some weeks later I spent all of my pocket money savings, to buy a video game machine, not a nintendo, but one of those tv plugin ones. It was good, it used to work till about 2 year back I think. Some shopkeeper even conned me back then, and I spent 100 Malaysian Dollars to buy a game cartridge!! Dont say a word about that, cos I dont know how I could have agreed to pay that much, its just that I was sneak buying it while my mom was buying vegetables.

They were still ok compared to a car ride I had several years later which disgusted me like anything. I never really found myself at ease with any A+ kids. Or any happy people I suppose. Or any sane humans I suppose.

So, a couple of years back I heard that both those brothers became IIT products. And it was the elder one's marriage in delhi, and ofcourse I didnt go. So, all in all they were this perfect A+ kids and family. Which is quite common in this NRI engineer, doctor etc. community. We werent NRI's, we were there on Government expenditure, living in a small flat, and even our education was paid for the government. I never really understood what good did coming abroad did to us. Not sure anybody else did either. I think my mom would have wanted us to be them, without them ever tyring to be their parents. He he, thats really strange.

I guess their parents would be beaming with pride that their kids went to IIT and came out just perfect in life. Did we as kids let our parents down? I dont know. I wanted to be our family hero I guess. But that wasnt me I guess. If I ever be successful then I would be so guilty of being successful. And it all started back then, in that tv room, when I was successful in watching the tv alone. I wouldnt do that even now, I would still feel guilty and close the tv, and go back to sleep.

Book Review : A Painted House

2008-01-01T09:05:00.000-08:00

(by John Grisham)
Even when the book ended I never found out whether uncle Ricky returned from Korea or not. This book doesnt really have a fairy tale happy ending, but such a practical one, and that says a lot about this book, a simple story told with great purpose through the eyes of a seven year old. The world the seven year potrayed might have been completely different from another person's vision. I think its after a long time that I have really loved a book.

The first couple of pages were confusing for me getting so many names at first. But then the scene settled in, and you could see the unpainted house, the cotton fields, and the whole family too. Its a simple farm tale set in rural Arkansas, and the narrator of the story is 7 year old Luke Chandler. And his amazing vision makes the whole story so captivating. And you fall in love with all the characters. The always grumbling and annoyed grandfather. A granny who is always eager to play doctor and test out stuff on anyone. A silent father who is a dutiful family man. And a mother who wants to escape the farms, but didnt make much fuss about it. And ofcourse Ricky Chandler, the nineteen year old uncle of Luke, who makes no appearance in the book, but is mentioned so many times, you just wonder will he be the surprise hero at the end of the book, but thats not to be.

They are cotton farmers, living in a unpainted house, and farming on rented land, and each year they are getting under debt cos of crop failures of floods. This year the crop is good, and they find labour in mexicans and the hill family. Luke wants to grow up and be a baseball player and play for the Cardinals. He is just seven but even he has to work in the farms, and pick cotton. The floods would be arriving soon, and they have to pick off cotton before the weather ruins the crops. The hill family have 5 kids, and the eldest Hank, taunts him that their house isnt even painted. Luke is hurt, but doesnt really set about painting the house. He is saving money for the cardinals jacket. But two other kids of that family are secretly painting their house. And then Luke is faced with many secrets which he has to withhold with himself for sometime. And his curiosity leads him to witnessing the murder of Hank. But that part isnt over played in the story and that was impressive. He keeps it with himself cos the murderer - a mexican labourer - Cowboy, threatens him.

And then Tally, Hank's sister, runs off with Cowboy. And then their remanining crops are destroyed by rain and hail. Luke in a way grows up and uses the money he has been saving for the Cardinal's Jacket, for buying paint for the house. And Luke's father decides that they have to leave for a job up north, leaving Pappy and Gran. That was such a sad moment to see Pappy drive them down to the bus station. And the books ends with the three sitting in the bus, and Luke viewing outside the window.

In between all this was so much more. Normal family chit chat and stuff which was very interesting. Their visits to Black Oak, the nearby town, the illegitimate child of Ricky being born at the Latchers, the friendship of Tally and Luke and ofcourse the letters of Ricky. It was all interesting. The way a seven year old child would think makes the story more interesting. Some sample lines of his thought

"Reverand Akers, a loud and angry man, who spent much of his time conjuring up new sins."

"Yes, and they were all bigger than luke - my mother said, and the legend began to grown. The size of my three attackers would increase as the days and months went by."

"As we entered the garden, I realized what my mother was doing. If we hurried and made it to the Latchers before quitting time, then the parents and all those kids would be in the fields. Libby, if she was in fact pregnant, would be hanging around the house, most likely alone. She would have no choice but to come out and accept our vegetables. We could blindside her, and nail her with Christian goodness while her protectors were away. It was a brilliant plan."

Luke's a pretty intelligent kid. And his trail of thought is funny and honest. The whole story kinda reminded me of my childhood. I didnt have a rural childhood but we used to sleep up on the roof in summer, fighting, flashing torchlights, and watching stars till we slept. And point out at strange things in the sky at night. And my trail of thought was always pretty inquisitive as well.

About the ending, the fairy tale ending would have been that Ricky came back from the war bringing in loads of cash, meaning no one had to leave and the family united. But things are seldom that way in real life. Though our throat constricts in the end, when they are having their last breakfast at their home, and then Gran sitting on the front steps wiping her tears. And then even an otherwise unflappable Pappy had moisture in his eyes when he pinched Luke's cheeks and said goodbye. That paragraph brought back some memories of my grandfather I guess. As Luke watched that tractor go back to the farm, what was he thinking? I would have thought about what Pappy was gonna do when he reached back to his home, it would be empty without those three. I almost made me cry. Why does life have to be that way? But, isnt that what I intend to do, I intend to go away to discover a life for myself too. And thats the way it is, and though we would love to see them live together, and Ricky return, but thats not how it is. And the grin on her mother's face in the bus probably shows that she has no intention of going back.

Its such an honest and sincere book and I loved it a lot. I am gonna give it 4.5 out of 5....

Goodbye 2007!!

2007-12-31T09:30:00.000-08:00

Another year has passed me by. And all the last three new years, I have spent them the same way, alone in my room, maybe right on this chair. No, that chair broke two years back. The song that plays right now is Great Beyond from REM. Its been a strange year. I had a vision of how this was to be, and it turned out completely different. I thought I would study really hard this year, and try to get ready for my fly away. But I did none of that. Infact I havent put in lesser effort than I did this time around. It's been a year of laziness, rebelling, being oblivious.

I found so many songs this year which I think is the only thing I will write about in this post, cos summarizing the year is such a crappy idea which I dont intend to do. But then talking about songs?? I think I am drifting, but I just need to pull myself back. And I just got 17 days for that. I need to find my courage in the coming year to find my wings. Find my wings, thats the most anticipated event, more for a friend probably than me. And I am glad of that.

Clearing your head that important. To let go of any kinda bad feelings for anyone. We dont need to hold anything with us. Just let it all go away. And be clear about our path. Thats the only way you can achieve silence inside. The past few weeks I havent been silent inside. And thats bad, and thats why I needed to slow down things. And when u can hear urself calm, and steady and your vision clear, and the path visible, then you can probably run on that path, and leap off the mountain, and the wings will sprout. But if they dont then you would be betrayed, and all you would have is a never ending fall, and by the time your body arrives at the groud, you may not be alive.

Remember when you were young you shone like the sun
now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky

There is a problem feather's iron, bargain building weights and pulleys
Feather's hit he ground, before the weight can leave the air

Up and down, and in the end its only round and round, and round.

The coming year will decide my whole life. I think that would exactly how it would be. Would I ever be able to start my life, or would I be banished to the shadows. I have a strange feeling that its gonna be a very bad year. Very bad. I dont know why. I never asked for too much, but this is so important. It would require a honest effort from me too. Pull up the kid, and make him listen and follow the script. No breaking down. But I wonder, if a completely different fate is meant for us. I have always had this sneaking feeling that my fate is somehow not ordinary, it was never meant to be. To walk on a path which is less travelled is not easy, but if you can be devoted to that, and not complain, then maybe thats what you were meant for. From where I come from, you are not supposed to have a complicated fate, and it's so easy to just let it pass you. But I dont want to let it pass. And I would have to try my best to cling on the tail of some bird, just in case.......

There goes today, slowly fade away
Here comes today, never fade away

Two Brothers & An Office

2007-12-31T07:29:00.000-08:00

So, I kinda had it planned for today. I told Navin sir that I didnt want to come anymore. He kinda knew it was coming, so he was pretty ok with it, and just said that he might call me if I was needed for work I had done. So, its not really an official goodbye. I think that would be when I get my papers signed in February. It wasnt really difficult to part with the office now, but last year at some time I thought about this day and I thought that would I certainly cry leaving this office. But I guess nothing dramatic really happened. I think I still have to say my sincere thank you's to them, which I would when I get my papers signed.

Navin Sir and Shyam Sir, two brothers running a small CA firm. Almost three years ago, I walked in this office for the first time with my elder cousin, who had done part of his training from there. It was 12th Feb, 2005 and a saturday, and they didnt even take my interview and asked me to come from monday. And monday was 14th Feb!! But I had nothing to do, so I came anyway. I was just looking for a hideout, and this was such a perfect hideout. I was just a pretty unconfident little kid when I started out. So I didnt wanna go to a big firm, cos I felt and still feel that I got no dressing sense, and I just wanted a small non fussy place. Had some great times there, frowned a lot too, fought a couple of times too, never backed down, learnt to be a rebel, and became confident of my work atleast. I am excellent at accounts, and just cos I worked in a small firm, doesnt take that away from me.

Navin Sir was the younger of the two brothers. He was the one wo handled getting all the work done in the office, handling the staff etc. So its only natural that I was closer to him than Shyam Sir. The Navin Sir I met when I started out my training was completely different from the one today. And I believe that me and Rajiv had a lot to do with the change in his whole attitude. He was so used to doing all the important work by himself, and afraid of handing it out to the staff. But I made through his defenses, and that I consider a wonderful achievement. I would say, he's got a lot in common with me, just that he doesnt have a speck of ego, and I have tons. So many times I would barge in, and point out his mistakes, and he would accept it all graciously, and acknowledge me. I always wondered how he did it.

An incident I clearly remember during my second week of training was when I went with Navin Sir to Panipat for a bank audit. And during the whole two hours bus ride, he hardly said a thing, just gave a audit manual to read. And at the bank, at around 4, when I finished my work, I hovered around his table like a little kid, while he was busy with his work, and he finally looked up at me, and he kinda understood the question on my face, and said that we would be leaving soon. I was just a little kid when I started out.

The other brother, I had tons of problems with. I had two major fights with him. At one of the occasions I threatened to quit, but didnt cos I had spent a whole year getting used to this place, and I wasnt just chuck it all away. He never liked me since then. Cos I called a spade a spade. He had this habit of discussing his ideas with some of the staff. He would make me and rajiv sit in front of them, and pop up his silly ideas. While Rajiv was all diplomatic, I would straight away shake my head and say - It wont work!! Just loved to irritate him. And then he would ignore me and discuss his plans with Rajiv. Whatever!! But other than that he never really bugged me as such, and so it was pretty ok.

They were pretty good people, and they gave me enough vacation for my exams, and were always cooperative, and never did anything bad to me. So that way, I guess it was pretty nice. Both of them had this weird accent and lingo that all of us just loved to imitate. And they were pretty stingy, but all bosses are that way I guess. So why was it that I wanted to leave. Not cos of them, maybe I just needed 17 days before my result came to think about where I am heading. It was all going so fast, and I needed to slow down things.

It was my first office, and I would always have wonderful memories of that place, especially the first half of it, with Dheeraj, my rebel guru and rajiv being there. With my home being dramatic those days, I never wanted to leave office, and Dheeraj used to make our stomachs hurt with all his comic stuff. And we wud close the upstairs office, and put on our headphones, and tell each other which song was playing on which station. And keep standing at the bus stop for an hour, waiting for an empty bus. Running off from audits at 2pm, and making silly excuses if we got caught. But then we even stayed till late when there was work at the end times. But now all the staff has changed, there is no dheeraj, no rajiv, and hence I just dont feel at home there anymore.

Rajiv said that since we worked in a small firm, we would be at a disadvantage when we go for interviews after we become CA. I kinda agree, but to be honest I dont really care. I had loads of fun there. As I always say - its better to be the king of small empire than be a slave in a huge empire. And we were kings during our training and I am proud of that. We worked on our terms, and never backed off. And these are traits that are more valuable than some big client names on the CV. So, sure I didnt do any big audits, but how many articles get to teach their CA's something during their training?? It was a perfect hideout, lets just see where we get to after this.

Book Review : They Are All Around Us

2007-12-20T02:39:00.000-08:00

(by Ray Chavez)

Firstly, I couldnt even find the picture of the cover of this book online. And there was only one page that came out of all my searches that mentioned this book. So I am guessing not many would have read this. And I had to take the picture of the cover myself. I bought this book from the second hand book market in Daryaganj, mainly cos the words of the back seemed like my friend Avi was saying them aloud - "She had seen them...Thet were here, all around us. Their Plan was simple, but nobody would believe it." So I decided to find out what it was about. Plus it was only 220 pages.

So what is this book about. It's a strange book really. I have mixed feelings about it. The first chapter is pretty good, and you sense like some really amazing plot is headed your way. But then, it seems to fall away and you feel you are watching some B-Grade sci-fi movie about aliens. So the plot goes like this - old woman with a grand daughter, who is hearing weird noises and seeing weird things at night. Some kind of strange activity going on "ACROSS THE STREET". Grand daughter wont believe, thinks her Gramps has lost it. Drives over to boyfriend's house at night to tell him this. And oh yeah, in between all this, the world is seemingly heading towards anarchy. And fighting going on and possible nuclear war looming large. All this makes Ramona (grand-daughter) sad!! Awwww. So she goes over to bf's and they have a strange talk!! They talk about where the world is heading too!! Girl!! Your Granny is sick at home. Finally she leaves, but they encounters a mob attacking a cop, and she tries to save the cop. And then more police arrives, and some of the dialogue here is just outta this world. Anyhow, so finally she reaches home, and what happens after that is just outta this world too.

Lets see, I am still a bit confused but, it like this - Stairs Open!! And then she goes beneath her home, and then finds herself in corridors made by aliens, and finally in a Alien Conference Room!!! And all the aliens are in human bodies, so she gets a seat too. Their names are simple like U-1972, and the Y-X leader, and U-1037 and so on. And they are making PLANS to destroy all of mankind and that too without any weapons (some treaty). So she somehow escapes, and then returns back with her bf to show him all this. I Knew from the start that that scum was an alien!!! Anyhow, you folks wont discover that till late. So that is where the fun starts, they start telling the whole world that there are aliens amongst us. OOOOOOOOOO. What wud you say - Lady Go Home!! Exactly, so the next many pages, they are doing this publicity by various ways involving A.Distributing Pamphlets at red lights, B.Taking over a radio station, which seemingly is easily accessible, and so on. Finally the cops take them in. And guess what!! The Cops are aliens too!! And then comes the final shock!! Her best friend, her boy friend - Bernand, is an alien too. And in the end she dies after a scuffle with some aliens. And oh yeah, there is a mexican reporter in whose ARMS she dies. Dont look at me, I didnt write that. I am still confused too!! Was the reporter an alien too?? Beats me, if I could only get the email of this author. But its a book published in 1980.

So this is a book for the collection!! It had promise. I think the story I saw after the first chapter had lots of potential. But the whole aliens everywhere mess, got to me too. Its a simple story nevertheless, and could happen to anyone really. People wouldnt believe you too, if you saw aliens talking about destruction of planet earth. The funny part is, in the first chapter, there are atleast 3 characters who are named which have no further role - Jimmy, a football player who gets injured, Mary & Madge, discussing about bad cable reception. What was that all about, wasnt Jimmy suppose to do alien bashing??

Anyhow, part of this book can be seen in movies or other literature. THEY LIVE! a 1988 movie, is on somewhat the similar premise, and I am sure there are many more other movies which deal with this complicated subject in detail about how the aliens are taking over our jobs. And in the last words of Ramona - "To hate.... is...n.. not....to....love". Hey considering I am a crappy writer too, I think this is exactly the kind of stuff I am capable of producing too. So I give it 2 out of 5, for simply the laughs it provided.

Sinking in Music

2007-12-14T10:06:00.000-08:00

A song is like this wave, and each wave is of different size, different taste, and hits you in a different way. For me songs take time to sink in. Some sink in earlier than others. Some never sink I guess.

It's this sad energyless aura here. It's ok, I like this aura. It's probably the 50th time I have played this song - Look What You've Done by Bread. It's not that great a song. But its kinda sad but not emotional sad, just kinda sad. I like the guitar in the start of the song. It's good. And the voice is sad but steady. David Gates I think. He's got a good voice for these kind of songs. All their songs are kinda based on love, except Guitar Man. "There is someone you ought to meet, its me Mr.Incomplete, look at what I've become". Yeah right. But not the reasons cited in the song. In the middle the song becomes loud, somewhat loud, I didnt like it the first time I heard it. And I deleted the song. But I was just singing it this morning, and I knew I had to give it another chance. And now I think that part has its own purpose, and I like it too. Wish I could play the guitar like this song, ting ting ting ting ting :(

There was another song by the same name by Jet. I didnt like that song the first few lines I heard. Usually I decide by that and I don't go on till the end. Which is a bad thing to do ofcourse. Like I totally rejected - Find the River, when I first heard the first two lines. But I reheard it a few weeks later, to find that it was right up there with my top favourite ever. So, the conclusion is, don't be judgemental. About people, about things, about life, about everything.

Talking to your ownself is like having a best friend and a real bad enemy at the same time. But I like it that way. Like those cartoons, where an angel and devil reside on the shoulders. And the devil would poke away the angel. And make you do bad things. He he. I guess that happens to everyone. The devil has his own purpose, and its not for us to drive him away, just keep him under check. What do I wanna write about? What am I writing!! I don't know...........Ahh lets sleep.....

The Land of the Undead

2007-12-05T23:10:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia defines undead as a collective name for mythological beings that are deceased yet behave as if alive. I hereby declare that I have officially turned undead.

It's been terribly hard to drag myself up for anything for the past few days (maybe past few months, possibly past few years). I was suppose to submit this document by the 30th of November, the non-submission of which would render my exam-result useless. But I even had no regard for that, and somehow managed to drag myself today to submit it. The lady on the counter informed me that I was 6 days late. I told her to take it anyway, and told her I was sick so I cud'nt be here earlier. Pathetic. Anyway, so this shows my complete disregard for any kind of consequences of my current actions on my future life. I think I turned crazy.

Someone from my office called me up and asked me where I was, and the only thing I could say was - Right now, I am nowhere!! I told them I have viral fever, and I am not going to come for a few days. I am just finding terribly hard to drag myself to office, and do some stupid work there. So when will I decide that my viral is over? I don't know, lets say till monday atleast. But the fact remains that I have been extremely lethargic and dead.

Everybody seems to know what they want from life, and where they are going in life, or what they think they are doing. I don't seem to know any of this. It's a completely purposeless life. There is no sense of direction, there is no sense of destination, and there is not even a sense of existence. I think I have gone crazy. I am unable to commune with normal people. What should I talk to normal people about? There is nothing to say at all.

I see these three guys in the institute wearing striped shirt and ties and shoes, talking boisterously, like all corporate employees probably do. One of them sports a goatee. Would you want a goatee? Noooo! Do you like to wear ties? Naahh I hate ties. What about striped shirts? I wouldnt look good in them. What about shoes? I havent wore shoes for almost an year now, and when I did a couple of weeks back, the back of the ankle was bleeding. So, how am I possibly going to get a good job. I don't know. It's such a stupid world anyhow, and why do I have to be part of this stupid world. Why isnt the darwin's theory working on me, lighting should have struck me by now!! Don't know how God works anyhow.

I am probably one of the hardest persons to meet. There are school friends who got annoyed by me, cos they thought I was specifically avoiding them. I wasnt really. Thats just me. I don't go out much. Its like dragging your body out. Why would you wanna meet me? What would I possibly have to tell you that could interest you and what could you possibly tell me that could interest me? And since I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, it becomes all the more painful, to drag myself to the bus stand. Sheeesh, they probably think I am a crazy studious kid. Yeah, I know thats my image, I am at home studying. Yeah sure, I can't explain and you will not understand. But who cares anymore, I am slowly learning the art of saying NO. NO! NO! NO! I refuse to go to places that make me feel stupid. I refuse to go any kind of family functions, birthday parties and stuff like that. I refuse to be a part of this world. They say refusal always results in choas, and we should accept things to be at ease. But I am somehow finding that very difficult.

These places and people make me feel uneasy. I would'nt want to tell them my crap, and so it turns out to be such a silent exercise, of watching people joke, laugh and stuff like that. Yeah, sure so why do we want me to watch this nonsense, when I could stay home and listen to music and stare at the ceiling. Thats probably better. Atleast I am not jealous of the ceiling!! I think I turned crazy. And the fact is that, I am literally undead. I have closed behind me all kind of social doors one by one. And I smell rebellion inside me. But a new place is new only for a week. Am I ready to take on this world? No!! I am not!! So what do you see then, nothing... zip... blank.... nothing. There is no commitment for anything at all.

People want to achieve a lot of things in life. They set goals for themselves. Some of us just want to achieve life I guess. To make some meaning out of this life. When you refuse to lie and the truth is not worth telling, then what do you get? You get a crazy person like me!!! Emide said I was an observer, but what good is an observer? It's not like you are doing something, is it. It's not like you are involved in something. You are just hanging around, watching the world go by. You know I fixed some deadlines last year, I was suppose to be somewhere by this year. And nothing has changed. I am going to be 24, I don't feel 24, I need some time. If you are going to be a rebel, atleast stand up to yourself, so that when you look in the mirror, you can see yourself, and not someone else.......

Book Review : Digital Fortress

2007-11-30T04:44:00.000-08:00

It's Dan Brown folks, what did you expect - Jules Verne!!! First of all when I first ever heard the title Digital Fortress, the image in my head somehow was of a fortress floating in the sky, with the ultimate technology protecting some "Holy" secret that could devastate the world. Kind of like the S.H.I.E.L.D. Base, if you are a Marvel fan. But unfortunately there is no such floating fortress. Though to be fair to the book, the title isn't misplaced.

So what's different in this Dan Brown book from his other books. First of all, he is just a novelist, and you just consider his genre before actually criticizing him. I think this book was written way before Da Vinci Code, because otherwise Leonardo DA Vinci would have paid us a visit in this book too. Yes, there is no religious conspiracy angle to the story. It's actually a pretty geeky story.

The plot revolves around basically two parties - M/s Susan Fletcher & Strathmore, and David Becker & the Spaniards. The first page features lines like - "Susan moaned Sensuously", and you wonder if you picked up the wrong book from the stand. There is this top secret US organisation called NSA (not to be confused with NASA) which is the big daddy of the Internet, and the story is based on internal staff bickering. Yes, its as simple as that. Disgruntled employees unleashing viruses, stealing data, and not following instructions. This could happen to any organisation, but this ofcourse is the NSA!! The other half of the story is a ring chase, which you can skip over at times. Half way through the story you realise Strathmore isn't as clean as he seems, the typical detective story unobvious villain. And the story is pretty weary in the second half, and you wonder when is this going to end. Not to forget the whole cast of NSA employees we are introduced to in the latter half, remembering the names of which was terribly hard for me, so I kept going back. But Dan Brown was really helpful too by having names like HULOHOT and JABBA. Oh come on, you forgot Jabba the Hutt, the fat slurpy wormy mafia boss from Star Wars!!

Anyhow, moving on, I have always wondered why Dan Brown is always so keen to tell everything. I always thought good writers are the ones that withhold stuff from the readers. Every now and then, the story would come to a standstill, with one of the characters having a brain snap, and a page of wikipedia would open before you, with all the facts. It's almost like he's tempting the readers to actually go and verify the facts themselves. Anyhow, so finally in the end a password needs to be found out and for once you are not stopping a bomb from exploding, just protecting the firewall from crashing, and data being stolen (told you geeky) and finally the world is saved, and girl gets guy, and blah blah blah, all is well. The end.

It's not actually the worst of books. It's a good book to read if you are travelling in a bus or train, or the inflight movie doesnt suit you. But otherwise if you are just in the house, then I say Hardy Boys make for a better detective read than this stuff. Oh and yeah, if you had to pick up one line from the book to remember it would have to be - Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes, or in english - Who will Guard the Guards. Pretty cool huh!! Yeah, way to go Dan Brown, I would give him 2 out of 5, not bad!!

Rubik's Cube

2007-11-28T08:11:00.000-08:00

A Rubik's Cube!! I always had a fancy for one of these but I dont know why I never had one before. Maybe I havent bought a toy for long I guess. So off we're going to bhutan and I buy this russian cube (ok I didnt know it was called rubik's cube), and then I realise this thing seems impossible to solve. Didnt spend much time on it either. It's a mathematical toy, and I kinda have this image of it being at every programmer's desk, twisting it around as he unravels the coding!! Must have seen that in some movie, I'm sure.

So there was this Hungarian Inventor- Erno Rubik. And he made this toy around in the 1970's. The Rubik's cube has more than a trillion possible permutations and combinations, but only ONE correct solution, thats what makes it special I guess. I am surely not smart enough to figure out a solution on my own. But then what is the internet for!!

The Internet if used properly has the solution to everything these days. So first I read bit, but couldnt really understand what they were trying to say. But then this youtube video makes things clear. It took me nearly 2 hours to solve it the first time. And I was somehow messing things up all the time. But last night I reduced it to 10 mins!!! Thats amazing. This one is cheap, so takes effort to move around, and I am sure If I had a good quality one, I could reduce the time further.

So what does solving this bring me? I don't know, maybe I thought that after solving it, it would open up and out will come some kind of treasure!! Yeah, thats what should have happened really. For the believers anyhow. But still it gives me bragging rights!! And yeah I hope to remember the Algorithm for fun. But the why have I been solving one of these even in my dreams?? Thats creepy, so I should stop with this thing now.

So, I kinda summarised the whole algorithm like this for me

U = Up, R = Right, L = Left, D = Down, F = Forward, I = Inverted

Step 1 : First get the top layer, choose any center colour and make a top cross, using FI, U, LI, UI. Then get the top corners using RI, DI, R, D.

Step 2 : Next go for the middle layer by inverting the cube, this algorithm is difficult if u look at it, but I got the logic embedded in my mind for this, so I dont have to write it. You start by moving the top, and then either the left or the right, and then reverse the top, and then reverse the left/right, and then top again, and forward, and then u can actually see what to do, so I never memorized that.

Step 3 : Next its the bottom layer. Now this is the tough part, and I am still screwing it up more often then not. There a lot of steps, some may not always be needed, depending on how the cube turns out for u.

First, we need a cross for the bottom layer (inverted cube), by using F,R,U,RI,UI,FI.
Thats easy to remember FRURUF, with the latter half inverted.
Next, we need the cross to be proper with the sides, using R,U,RI,U,R,U,U,RI. Again easy to remember its just RURURUUR, with U's never inverted and R's inverted alternatively.
Next, we need the corner's to be proper with the sides, using U,R,UI,LI,U,RI,UI,L. This one is tricky, but remember as URUL URUL. With U's alternatively inverting, and R's and L's are going up and then back down.
Then finally, its the last thing to do, the corners need to be rightly faced. SO use it earlier easy Algo - RI,DI,R,D.

Sounds complicated but gets the job done usually. But somehow I am still messing up. I dont know why. Maybe I skip one move somewhere. So here is to Erno Rubik for making such a wonderful toy!!!

Exam & Holiday Log

2007-11-09T22:30:00.004-08:00

There was this episode in Alladin, where there is a desert pirate who is chasing a desert whale monster, and at the end he catches it and then he lets it go. And in a later episode he finds that the monster has been killed, and he has nothing to do any longer.

I wouldnt say that I miss the monster in my case, but still its like a monster dead. I have been doing this forever. I started out way back in June 2002, when I had cleared my 12th. Over the years, I have always disliked the whole studying process in CA. And there was a time in 2004, when I thought I was gonna quit, but unluckily I passed and had to go on.

The exams were pretty good uptil today. I knew last night at around 11pm that I was dead. I had left too much of the course for luck. Well, atleast I got the invigilator all curious by my antics. Banging my head down at regular intervals in comical frustration, she was observing me all the time. Hehehe. Plus all those funny emotions I can generate on my face, of anguish, pain, amazement and laughter while writing the exam all adds up.

The first exam, I took out my watch from the pocket only to find that it wasnt working. And I let out a semi-loud laughter. Boy, I seem to be talking to myself a lot lately. Just as the exam was to start the National Anthem started in the school, and my first instinct was to stand up, but it happens sometimes that u get stuck and don't move up even when you want to. Only one girl was standing from all of us CA students, what a shame. Really brave and decisive of her too.

And the first exam turned out to be so easy. It was one of those exams that are so easy that you're afraid you will mess them up. And then the second one was a typical MICS exam. And the third one was the most intense exam, where its sometimes a hard paper overall but you seem to have studied all the right things and you're just overflowing with the answers. Hard to control that. And then the last was as I said before. I was ticking off as usual the marks I covered, I think I knew only 62% of the paper.

Well what did we do in all these 3 and a half months. Technically it was only one month really. Cos the DT classes ended on 24th september. Well lets see, I finished two rpg games, chrono cross and final fantasy 8. Chrono Cross story can make CA study look easy. It's probably the most complicated story ever of a computer game. I mean if have tried to explain the story to myself but failed, so you can imagine what it is like. An average sequel to an amazing game.

Then there was final fantasy 8. If I told someone from those giving the exams that I finished Final Fantasy 8 (like they know what that is) at 1 a.m. on the 3rd November, then no one would believe me. But that was the case, at exact 1.30 am on 3rd November, the ending credits of the game rolled down. I only have one word to say for the same - YUCK!!! But then why did I finish it at 1.30 3 days before my exam? I don't know!! I guess I just had to find out how horrible it was. A Game that is based on a crappy love story! Oh man! I would really hate girls like Rinoa in real life too. I just loved that song - Eyes on Me, but by playing that game that song has been desecrated. It was actually one of the first things I did after I finished the game, delete the Eyes on Me video from my mobile.

Ok so didnt we study?? Well I did and whenever I did it was really intense stuff. I mean how I pulled off Operational Research was amazing. And how I used the internet in my studies was amazing. When I couldnt get that simplex problem, I searched out the net for a question like that. Finally I discovered that my notes had mislead me. And then the time when we linked all of Income Tax beautifully. I loved doing that too. I mean yeah sure, I don't like CA as a whole, but some parts are really logical and good. And if we work hard at anything we're bound to do well. If I fail, which is quite likely cos of the last exams, one can look back and say that you failed cos you were playing computer games at night. But I know that I tried really hard in patches too, but just like Nathan Astle said on his retirement - the intensity wasnt the same.

Well there are no more classes to run to now. I still have to finish my training and I think I ate too many chocolates and put on some weight, so I gotta shed that too! Hehehe! And well, I hope I find the pencils soon, and then yeah will buy loads of books when I get back. I also kinda ended up cutting up myself off from almost everyone. That I dont really care anymore about. I know I have been angry at my efforts but then I was thinking would I trade off being me for something more social? And the answer was - Are you kidding, no way!!!!!

Haunted ??

2007-11-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmmm, ummmmmmmmmm, --------------------, I am in troubled waters again. Oh no.....Why do I have to be stuck always at the same point in life over and over again. Damn! The world has just raced so far ahead....

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, wasted 3 months of my life once more.... Great! Absolutely amazing. Knew it, realisation would always come now. Always! Always! Always! I am not ready once more. I am not ready. I am never ready for life, I will never be.......
I am just another liar.... there are no wings, there were never meant to be any...

We're Just Two Lost Souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found?
The same old fears

Cinematic Side-Effects

2007-10-12T05:42:00.001-07:00

I watch a lot of english movies. Mostly on television, and quite a lot of them. So its this effect that movies often leave us with, though mostly for just a short span of time.

The "Rocky-Effect" - Oh God! You watch this movie, and you feel like you have to start exercising somehow!! If he can do it, so can we!! Yeah! Straight to exercising after closing down the television. No more cola, chips and junk food. We gotta have some abs!! Gotta wake up at 6am. The alarms rings for sure, but who can get up at 6am. And when we get up at 8 or 9am, and we tell ourselves - Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. So, this one pretty much gets dropped out after a week or so.

The Motivational Movies effect - These are the people rising from the ordinary to do something extraordinary. And the nominees for this category are - Jerry Maguire, Lakshya, The Insider, A Beautiful Mind etc.etc. Even rocky can be strictly classified here. These movies leave you with a feeling that you gotta do something worth remembering in your life. Ehhhhh, lets move on to the next.

The Love Effect - Hehehe! Movies that leave you wondering, would there ever be such dramatic love in your life. Would you cross the boundaries of time to meet your love - Kate and Leopold. Why didnt you fall in true love at the age on 12 - Sweet Home Alabama. Who would you return to meet if you died this instant - Ghost. Well many more to name them actually but they all make you feel the same sometimes - trashy. Hmmmm, well, yeah, whatever.

And then you got movies that have specific triggers. For example - watching con movies makes me think why didnt I take up science as a subject, I think I got most qualities right to be a hacker or a survelliance guy. And how about space movies where I wish I was some how involved in searching out alien life forms in the universe (CONTACT), or even being a space scientist. Well time's up. I gotta go, will try to think about them and finish this later.

INFERNAL HELL

2007-09-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this on a dark night, and its allegorical in a way, and I think I know what it means, but to what extent. I think I got the music for it too, and if I ever learn the guitar or the piano then I know how to tune this)

No, This is Not the End of this World
Maybe Just a Catastrophic Swirl
Receeding Into Shadowy Realms
Crawling Back to the Deep Infernal Hell

No, This is Not Where Everything is Going to End
Maybe Just Going to Curve and Bend

But as you Bend While you Mend
And you Ascend to Unbend
Cease to Crawl as you Stall
There is a Mighty Big Wall

Could You Not be Back on Your Feet
Then we'll go up the Concrete

But I Just Saw a Massive Army Waiting on the Top
Screaming Shouting Crying Demons, Don't They Ever Stop

But You Stop, And You Drop
And You Look Into Know What
And You Gaze, You're Amazed
Looks Like There is to be no Escape

But, This is Not the End of this World
Maybe Just a Catastrophic Swirl
Receeding Into Shadowy Realms
Crawling Back to the Deep Infernal Hell

And, Crawl Back to Your Deep Infernal Hell....

Rat Chase!!!!!!

2007-09-08T23:40:00.000-07:00

(Advisory : This Blog is best read while listening to the song - Johnny B.Goode)

A sunday morning, and a splittling headache. Oh God! I don't even drink and I have such hangovers!! :) And I lay quietly listening to Keane and Pink Floyd. But there is a lay that says that a still body can't stay still for a long time. And thats it, I was called on my our cleaning maid - Sonia. Her name, is a source of constant taunting my cousin, whose girlfriend's name is the same. But this is not her story.

So with bleary eyes I went to see what this was about. She pointed out that a mouse was dead. She was pointing towards something, but I cudnt make out any mouse down there. Sure! I wasnt wearing my glasses. But I bent down to see, and indeed a mouse lay still there. Oh God! Why does this have to happen when I am alone at home. So unwillingly I went to get a broom (Jhadu). And so the plan was to move the mouse into the dustpan, and I throw it out. Ewwww.

As I tapped the still mouse with the broom, she said that it's still alive. But I am sure I didnt see it move. Sure! I wasnt wearing glasses!!! But still I went ahead with my plan, and the mouse zipped to a nearby corner. OK! It's a live mouse! She suggested why dont I pick up the mouse and throw it out. I looked at her as if she was speaking in some other language. Me! Hold a mouse!! I guess she understood what was going inside my head by the look in my face.

And then she tried to do something that I thought even she was incapable to do. She tried to grab the mouse by the tail! Hehehe! That was funny. The mouse just jumped and ran into the bathroom. And she darted into the bathroom to chase it out. I looked on eagerly! Hehe! And there was the mouse! And lo presto, our big dinosaur friend, the lizard, was on the wall near it. Oh-oh! I hoped the lizard wudnt gulp down the mouse. That would be a bad sight to see, early morning. But she shooed away the lizard. And then this crazy rat chase began. From the bathroom to the kitchen, and then even though the doors of the living room was closed, it slipped into the main room. And then, as we tried to search it out with torch and brooms, the mouse had seemingly vanished.

And then I suggested that we give up the hunt. I didnt have my glasses put on, and I was sure I wasnt gonna be able to stop the mouse in a dark corner. And then just as I sat reading the newspaper, the mouse limped out, and was going straight towards the door. He just needed to be pushed along his way out. And yayyyy! He's gone! Thank God for that! Hehehe! Mice are really funny. And when we have see these two mice running around in our home, chasing each other in almost in cartoon fashion, skidding as the turn while running, it always makes me wonder why they are chasing each other. Maybe I will catch one, and divulge this out of him one day. But that's for another day. Phew!

Slow Destruction of a Slow Moving Object

2007-08-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

I was searching for the words - "Dead End" on google when I stumbled upon a page which was quite empty and yet these words were there on it which made me realise some things : -

"The End of the Internet
Congratulations! This is the last page.
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

You must now turn off your computer and go do something productive."

Well yes the end of the internet. It's a net, with links, with each link you fall deeper into the rabbit hole, and where is the way out? Maybe some way out if one can find it. For those like me, it's a black hole, sucking away whats left of me, and its like those myriad creatures Pink Floyd talks about which are trying to tie us to the ground. While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistable pastime....

Why I am here? What am I looking for? What am I constantly searching? Who are the people here? I don't know why I am here....Where else would I rather be. I don't know...There is no where else to go I suppose. I havent been to too many places. Its like living a life in a bubble. And when the bubble bursts you dont have oxygen to breathe. I have always passed opportunities of living....And so no one else can be held responsible for that.

And in the end, its only round and round,and round....So what is here that we keep coming back for? It's not like anyone here would have a magic wand to solve your problems. And besides do you even know what your problem is? Its just a state of mind, its a just being dead. And the dead can only take people to the graveyard. Would you wanna take others to the graveyard with you??? Nooooo....I would wanna read a book maybe, but I dont have any. I feel so lethargic. I dont want to read a PDF book. I cant do that. I dont have the energy to do that. If someone could just give me the book - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. When was the last time you read a book without stopping?? Ummmm maybe Frankenstein, or alchemist, or DA Vinci Code....It's been long....

We have exams to give, and maybe a life to live. I wanna learn the guitar someday. I wanna build a Kaleidoscope one day. I wanna have a pet turtle one day. Life's running out though. Do you have the energy to do that rather than just keep thinking abt it? I doubt it......The Silence is just growing on me, and you can see it too. I am just not doing anything, and hence I am not able to talk abt anything. Am I wasting my life? I am....

Joining orkut last year was probably one of the horriblest thing ever. Seeing all those bright lives jsut evoked feelings that I cannot possibly comprehend. Don't look into other people's albums, they have Quad Bikes in them, and happy smiling friends, and things that you possibly cannot understand. You wont understand, how is to be caught between two worlds and you belong to neither of them, and then you go nowhere, stuck right there in nowhere. I can't explain, you will not understand, this is not how I am....Have I become comfortably numb?

It was that Quad Bike Picture that triggered the deletion of my orkut profile. I am most certain of this fact. But why? I dont understand that....That's not a world a belong to anyhow. No, but it wasnt like jealousy, it was more like, what have I got to show for 23 years of life? Nothing? And what abt the world that I possibly could have been part of? Well that was my personal decision or rather lack of energy drive to be friends with people whom I knew, but somehow I would rather know from far away ....so its all my fault again, like always ....And then why do we seek something when you don't even want to keep it?? I don't know.....Keep erring kiddo...

God in a Box

2007-08-12T09:52:00.001-07:00

(This is a fictional story and any characters that have any sort of resembalance to any person dead or alive is a mere coincidence and never intended by the writer)

God in a box watches this world....

My head is spinning. Or the room is spinning. Or maybe the whole world is spinning. I haven't been to work for 6 days now. My mobile has ran out of power after the barrage of missed calls and messages from them. The last one I read yesterday was maybe - "Ur fired if u don't show up today". Why haven't I got up today?

God in a box runs this world....

Why havent things changed all these years? Why am I asking myself such questions? The landline phone is ringing, I havent picked it up for 3 days now. Last time around it was my mother, she wanted to know why I havent been replying to any of their calls or messages and why haven't I come home. I don't quite know why. Empty beer bottles on the floor are staring at me. Last sunday was it? Yes....I suppose, I have lost count of days now. The shopkeeper was surprised too. He's probably never seen me picking up beer...

God in a box guards over us....

Scenes from a movie. No....It's more like a distant past. I think so. Maybe....
A girl - You know what.....I think I love you...
A boy - Ok.
A girl - ok? Is that all?
A boy - What am I suppose to say?
A girl - I....nothing I guess.....
A girl - I love you!
A boy - Are you sure?
A girl - I am sure, are you not sure?
A boy - I don't know....What if it's not love and just some temporary phase...
A girl - I don't know....
A boy - I am not ready for love....I need to find about my life first.....
A girl - I am sorry, I was just kidding....
A boy - Yeah, thank god! You got me there for a moment....

And then darkness faded over, and I cud'nt quite see the girl and the boy. Who were they? There's still some beer left in that bottle, but its too far, I can't move...I need to stand up and turn the light on. Stop this madness. You've gone too far. Return to the sensible world. What would the neighbours think? Get up....wash ur face....

God in the box makes us stand....

I can't get up...But I have to. I somehow make it to the mirror. It's dark. But there's light streaming into the room. I can see my face, but I don't really recognize it anymore. I look hard into my eye, is there anyone still there. Don't help them to bury the light, don't give in without a fight. Noooo, what am I fighting for....I turn on the light, I haven't seen light for days now I suppose.

God in a box gives us hope.....

Maybe I can find her, and she can help me understand. It's been five years. I haven't talked to her in five years now. I need to drive over to her place....I am in no condition to drive...I think I can....I check my clothes....I wash my face, I stare at my face.....I get the keys....I lock the door....I walk down the stairs....

God in a box forgives us.....

I haven't driven for days now. Can I handle this thing? I can, I think so.... Illuminated roads, illuminated cars, illuminated souls? Everyone is rushing back to get somewhere...Home? Yes home definetely. Where's my home? I could'nt call that my home, and I could either call that my home. Strange isnt it. I am getting old and I need something to rely on. Why are these songs troubling me? Just get them out of my head please...

I have been driving for almost an hour, and here I am. This is supposed to be it. That's her apartment. It's festive season. Lights all around. Not my lights though. Isnt it amazing that sometimes you can run the whole 99 miles, but at the last mile you stop and wonder - why exactly am I here? Makes no sense. Butterflies in my stomach. What if she's not here anymore? What if she doesnt even remember me? What if she's married by now? She said - "whenever in your life you get drunk, you call me up!" I promised that and I am just keeping a promise I suppose...

God in a box is trapped in the box??

I ring the bell? Will it be her? I dont know! Butterflies....No....It's someone else.....It's her parents.....She's died six days back....

God in a box is not in the box......

Wrecking the Life : Fault Finding and Much More

2007-08-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

This Sunday I saw Gandhi My Father. A movie which looks behind the public life of M.K.Gandhi and looks into his personal failures as a family man. The movie was pretty nice and emotional. A sad tale of a life gone wrong. A Life Gone Wrong.....I think I want to analyse these words in coming days too...

Midway through the movie, my cousin remarked to me that Isko dekh kar chacha ki yaad aa rahi hai (Seeing this reminds him of my father)! I cudnt agree more....Almost throughout the movie I was trying to glance at my brother's face, who was sitting a few seats to my right. I wondered if he thought the same thing I did...I don't really know.

Gandhi never really understood his kids, and it made for a tragic family story, and he is said to have renounced his family!!! Can you do that?? I wonder....

Well, being a good person is never the same as being a good parent. Though it probably gives you some score, but that's just not it. It takes a lot of skill. Papa always failed to understand either of us. And he always kinda pushed us back, telling us we can't do this, we can't do that. And never kinda encouraged us to do something new, something good. I think whatever good we were capable of doing as kids died way back then.

It wasn't sort of a fear or anything from his side. But I dont know if it makes sense, but it was a feeling of not upsetting him by our actions. Not that he ever got angry or anything. Infact I have hardly ever seen my father angry, I have seen him upset, but never angry. He never kinda was happy with our achievement nor was he sad at our failures. Ummm, he kinda never really tried to reach out. I think its easy to say kids lose their way cos of bad company but I think its a parenting failure. Well thats a debate that has been for a long time, and I am nobody to deliver the final verdict.

If I could ever go back into time, I would like to go back to 1993 and start all over from there, and maybe I would try to fix up things that went wrong. Maybe I learnt from my brother's experiments from life, and I completely closed up on life. I just hope everything goes well for him, and I got a super friend in God to pull me up whenever I am at the lowest, so I think I can survive. Just hope for the best :)

Urban Lore of Luck & Life

2007-07-31T21:58:00.001-07:00

(Caution : If you see a pattern in the following then do not assume that they have occurred to you immediately. They might have, they might not have, think abt it!)

1.Whenever you are waiting on the bus stop for a bus (what else!), and a jam packed bus comes, then if you somehow get on it then as soon as you buy the ticket, what you would see is another bus going to the same destination coming from behind which is relatively empty. However, if you do not enter into this jam packed bus, then you could spend the next half-hour waiting for an empty bus, but it won't show up.

2.Somehow, whenever you are waiting for a bus, the bus you want to board never seems to stop at the bus stop you are standing on, and when you board that bus, it seems to stop at every bus stop (stops sometimes without a bus stop). That's the On-the-bus-off-the-bus syndrome. Its somewhat similar to the relativity theory.

3.Whenever you think you've got everything under control in life, just then everything is going to get really out of control. And you would be left wondering why you even had that thought.

4.Whenever you think (night time is good for thinking) that a particular person has been really nice to you, or you have really good thoughts about a person and how he/she makes you smile, the following day or the week to come, that person will seriously challenge your opinions, and you would be ultimately forced to have a re-think. I think this law really makes me wonder that should we be forming opinions about people.

5.If you do some work right on the first attempt, people will always think it was easy. Somehow no matter how you made a complex work simple by using common sense, the boss would always seem to favour the person who made the simple work complex with his complete idiocy.

6.On days you would turn up before anyone else in the office, the boss would always arrive late. And on days when you turn up late, you would always find the boss waiting for you!!

7.Somehow people would'nt laugh at your jokes (no matter how good they r), and they would be laughing at pathetic jokes of other people, just cos they seem to have some face value!!

8.(This is not personal at all) Girls would somehow pick up guys on face value, no matter when they open their mouth, you immediately know that I would rather not be in their shoes :)

9.Somehow whenever you think you're gonna start studying seriously, something happens that detours your studying routine such as a family function, or something similar.

Life is grossly unfair, but no body ever said it was gonna be fair! And If I can remember more of such events I swear to keep updating this list!

The Storm in a Tiny Tea Cup

2007-07-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

The Tiny Tea Cup peeked out of the cupboard to see if anyone was around. No one really, just the salt and pepper shakers. The other tea-cups were in the hands of the guests it seemed.

And suddenly the maid walked in with the silver tray with those beautiful floral teacups. Tim (the tiny tea cup), quietly closed the door of the cupboard, leaving it just slightly open, to watch them. And in that skulky corner of his he watched them all day long, talking about such fascinating things in the living room, and about people wearing such amazing clothes.

He had never seen the living room. When he was younger, he was told about all fascinating stories of the living room, and his only wish was that he would one day hold tea in him for guests in the living room. But for some reason he was never used. And his eagerness turned into hope, which had later turn into despair, and now he felt like his purpose of being of being a teacup was defeated.

"Oh, you're the most ugliest tea cups ever, why would they use you," a snobbish yet elegant tea cup had informed him last month. And it was true, undoubtedly. What use is an ugly tea-cup I suppose. Even salt shakers are better than that, atleast they serve some purpose. Caught between two worlds, neither of which he was a part of, the tiny tea cup wondered about things that one can wonder about. Now, the concept of a God for tea-cups hasnt quite taken off yet, so I don't think he would be wondering about that....

So one day, he decided that he would make it on his own, to the living room, and to see the splendours he had heard about. In the darkness of the night, he crept out of the cupboard, and slowly made his way down to the kitchen counter. How was he gonna make it across?? He had no clue........And so he decided to jump off the shelf, in hope that he would somehow not break entirely and still make it across......I really wonder what happened.......

Children Are Told Horrible Lies
Some Ugly Ducklings Never Fly

Behind the Wheel!

2007-07-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

The time had come to face my nightmares. I had dreaded this for weeks now. And last week when I dreamt about me driving a truck and smashing every possible car in the vicinity, I realised that I had Driving Phobia!

So I decided a week before that I needed to take the car out on my own. Lets go to class!! Well I thought that was an absurd idea too cos if I got stuck there then that would have been humiliating infront of 600 kids. Anyhow, I announced my plans 3 days back to my brother, who had been constantly pestering me to take it out on my own.

D-day arrived. And I was really anxious. Butterflies in the stomach. I asked my brother if he could escort the car, on his motorcycle to the class, which he expectedly refused. The previous night I had dreamt about leaving the keys in the car, adn locking myself out. That would really be amusing (not!).

So I asked him if he could atleast watch me take the car out of the parking, and if I felt nice till then I would go on, or else I would back off. And so we started. Not a good start, I grazed the bumper while taking it out of the packed parking. And then on my own we go. I was sweating.......oh yes I was.

And then we come to that dreaded slope that has to be overcome each time we have to go somewhere. And why does one have a red light on that slope. And why is it always red when I arrive there!! Some really cosmic secrets that cannot be discerned. Waiting waiting waiting...and its green....cars behind me honks....and I press the accelerator hard. Yayyyyyy, I didnt get stuck.....thats one obstacle out of the way.

And next up ITO. The Bus Junction.....another slope....not as steep though. But its a red light!!! I stop...and a motorcycle behind me....and the car is going back...and it nudges him a bit I think.....I glance back.....he is smiling somehow....maybe my kiddish face makes him smile....whatever!

At this time I realised that my whole shirt was drenched in sweat......Nervousness sweat.....And it almost seemed someone had poured water on me. And then I safely arrive at the class location....quite an isolated location this.....I had come half an hour early to avoid parking blushes. Yes! I find the best and easiest spot available. This would be easy to get out of too! And then I park and get out and thats that.

8.30pm....I am getting nervous again...Its almost time to go home. I have never driven at night before....atleast not side by side with BUSES! What have I got myself into? Shud I plead with someone to drive this machine home......

I ask my friend rajat, if I can drop him off till the bus stand....I warn him I am not a good driver....This would ease off my nerves...having someone in the cockpit! And yayyyyy I do really well....I back well and then I turn well....and then I drop him....and then I go steady and handle the buses well....and then we're almost home....

And this is where everything went wrong! I enter the parking area....its unusually crowded at this time....ofcourse it is, I arrived 20 minutes earlies....sir left the class early today!! Whatda... Ok ....lets go slow....and then it was CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... I hit something....multiple objects and scraped metal.....Its those autos lined up....diagonally....whatda....

Awwww! there goes my Order of the Merlin first class!!! I was sooo happy till then having made it safely home. And then I wasnt even able to park well. The parking attendant got frustrated with me. "Aapko Back leni nahi aati kya"

I am trying you moron. Ok finally I backed, not before I hit two cars, one from the front and one from the back. And the guy is making them look ok. I get off and assess the damage....at first everything seems fine.....and then!!!!! Oh!

The left fender (as I am informed today what its called), had been badly damaged.....wayda go kiddo! With sighs allround I walk back home.....Only 10 minutes ago I was sooooo happy! But thats life for you! But I think I did ok really.....atleast I didnt kill anyone!

But driving a car as one is a great responsibility...and me being scared is reflected in that. I owe it to other people on the road and ofcourse the car owner (my brother), and maybe to myself as well.....so its not bad to be scared....its actually quite ok to be apprehensive.....

God, Universe and Whole Lot of Other Nonsense

2007-07-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this long back when I was really angry at something, I don't really remember what it was about. But as life proves to be very circular, I ofter wonder if I had seen this tree before and so I dug out this little passage)

Life is a set of completely random events resulting from previous random events. Infact it is such a big chain of random events that it cant be traced to it's roots. The seed, yes, that is what God is.

Every One who has programmed would know that random functions need a seed value to be truly random. Such a seed value should be completely independent for the resultant program to be truly random. For example, time is a random factor.

So, infact if this theory is correct, the there must exist alternative universe for each seed value generated. There must be a universe formed every second or maybe even every millisecond. And it is in this seed value, that the existence of God can be perceived. That is, it is the seed value that would decide what the outcome would be at step 1 or step 100 or step 99999547. That is each step is predetermined once the seed value is determined. And therein lies the element which is populary termed as DESTINY.

If souls are stocked in heaven, I wonder how they are chosen to be sent down to earth at a particular moment. Is a particular inventory method followed, like First in First Out (FIFO) or is it based on some other criterion. Or is that random too.

God has no authority to judge us on the basis of our deeds. This is because if God judges us on the basis of our actions in this mortal realm, then it would be completely unfair, as we are merely participating in the chain of random events triggered long back, and events pre-decided, the course of which we cannot possibly alter as it would disrupt the existence of this very universe. Einstein remarked that - God doesnt play dice with the world. I guess he does, only that the casino is rigged.

Severus Snape - the unlikely hero

2007-07-21T02:09:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter and the deathly hallows confirmed what everybody believed. Severus Snape was indeed innocent. I just wanted to read the whole story to find out the predecided fate of Snape. He had to die. There was no other way to the story. With no one to live for, snape's survival would have been tragic that his death.

The most touching chapter of the whole book was - The Prince's Tale. I almost felt like crying by the time severus cast that silver doe in dumbeldore's office.

“After all this time?” - (Dumbledore)
“Always,” said Snape.

Snape wasnt as blessed as James or Sirius was. That is not our choice you see. We are the result of a million random events that trigger million other random events and things are not often what they are made out to be. All snape had was a friend in Lily. He watched her as greedily as he had watched her in the playground. JKR uses the word greedily. But is it really greed? If you have sobbed silently in the shadowy nights hoping you would see a silver angel to rescue you from your darkness than you would realize that it isnt greed that attracts you to that silver angel.

He was jealous over her. Cos thats all he had. And he didnt want to lose her to James, who clearly fancied her. Energy Vampires!! Thats the syndrome. When you go into negativeness, you suck out all the positive energy around you and you hurt the people you like the most. There is no apparent cure for this syndrome I suppose. It just makes you feel low, and you isolate yourself into that shell of yours, watching from your shadowy corner - the beautiful lights of the worlds, greedily I suppose, and then it turns to disgust, anger, destruction, self-destruction, anguish. A HOWL!

Lupin isnt too different from snape. And I have remarked this more than once. It says in some point of the book when harry is looking at an old photograph of the 4 friends that Lupin seemed only too pleased to have been included in that photograph. Lupin had self doubts. I dont really know if this was ever said in the book (I havent found it) but in the 3rd Movie, there is a scene between Lupin and Harry where Lupin tells Harry that Lily was a wonderful person, and she could see Good things in others, which they were otherwise unable to see.

Lupin found friends. Had snape been shown a little more friendship, I think he would have honoured his friendship beyond any other. And that is clear with his friendship with albus. Lupin was the same. And it is for this precise reason that Lupin never had any ill-feelings towards snape when he came to teach in the 3rd Book.

Undoubteldy Sirius and James were on the right side, but snape was far braver than any of them. They never had to face the darkness snape had to face. To fight others is never easy, but to fight your own self is beyond imagination. And snape I believe did that. And did that beautifully.

And as for me, I should know better....

Passed Something!

2007-07-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well thats 4 exams of CA out of the way! Its just 4 to go! Thats a relief. If I wud have failed then that wud have pushed me back several months. And I wud have probably crashed big time in life. But it was all my fault. I gambled in the exams. Big time. Lady Luck helped me out again. She has bailed me out more than often. But whenever I have needed it the most, Lady Luck or God, has always helped me out. And that has always confirmed my belief in MY GOD. Well so many times I've challenged him at night, asking him for the winds of change, to show me his power. He is not tempted I suppose. Why wud he be? He knows best when he needs to intervene. I am grateful for this. Somehow today was a nice day. Not really nice, but I guess I didnt do to badly.

I have this theory on God that I had written long back, on a very rainy day, when I was really angry. I wasnt happy with the way his natural justice mechanism worked. I will post up that theory tomorrow maybe if I am not too tired after the 9 'O clock class. Somehow things over the past one month have made forget some bitter things over the past. And created new bitter memories. Not so bitter though I suppose. But humans disappoint me. I disappoint myself. I think I have shown really bad application towards life. And I owe myself an apology. But then is it to late to start over. It is somehow. You cant wake up and watch Lakshya and think u can turn around ur life. U cant!!

It's less than an year now!! I have to find my wings and flee! The winds of change are arriving, I need to be prepared, lest I shall be caught in a storm that shall encapsulate me and my entire existence! I just need to be prepared!

Tamed Dreams

2007-07-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like sharing silence....Its an eerie feeling. I guess I have been bunking too much. Being at home, nothing to do! And even if your out there, even then the silence never really leaves me, unless I choose to. And its somehow funny that it would be with complete strangers that I would wish to part with it rather that people who are aware of my existence.

It been a very low time for me. You set up goals, you are unable to complete them. It's less than an year left for the inevitable. I have to grow up. Somehow. It's not easy, living in your own fantasy world, undisturbed, unaware. But how long can you stay there. I would like to live in my oblivion for ever. It's been so long, like I have been stuck in a time warp or something.

You wish you had someone to share silence with. Not talk! Cos everything I speak somehow comes wrong out of my mouth. You should understand me, when you understand me.....

Is it constricting me? Or is there no one inside anymore. I really fear its the latter. What if you lost your soul somewhere down the line.... And then? What do you do? How do you find it? How do you start your search? Not many people understand that a soul exists, and the trouble is that once you are aware of its existence then you cannot deny it. And if its not there, then STOP, everything goes black, and your actions are no longer governed by those dreams that your soul would choose. But rather by a system derived by this world that seeks to tame you down, to kill what is left of you inside and then to finally become a zombie. A zombie I refuse to be. And I refuse to have my dreams be tamed. But I need my soul to fight back. Because if you dont have a soul then there is no fighting back. SO please kiddo, don't lose your soul....As snape would say - NO UNFORGIVING CURSES POTTER....Keep your soul clean, and then whatever the end maybe, we'll take it fair and square...

I remember that german story I read....A guy has bad food to eat and he says thats a problem and curses, and then another guy walks upto him and says - If your house is burnt down, if all your family members are dead, if you havent eaten for 3 days then you have got trouble, everything else is inconvenience.....

We can't often change things in the past, and we have to accept our failures and the paths wrong or right taken by us, but whats done is done, and lets not let that decide our future course of action...Dont lose your soul....

The Question You've Been Searching For

2007-06-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you find the things you have been looking for in the strangest of places. Sometimes its not the answer you are looking for, but rather the question. Cos if you dont know the question, then the answer is useless. Its like having the answers to a jigsaw puzzle, but not having the puzzle itself.

It was in 2005, I played Final Fantasy VI for almost a month to finish it up. No Great Graphics, nothing apparently new in it, and yet it remains to date one of most loved Square Games (a poll by Square said that). And though not my personal all time favourite (a few other's would go over it anyday), it was a nice game. The best thing about all the Final Fantasy games are the indepth storyline, the character development over the course of the game, and the awesome music that could be doing rounds as solo music.

The game is about - ??!! Ummm! Well, if you want to find out what the game is all about then you can most definitely check out wikipedia and find out. Though I still think that Breath of Fire 4 remains my all time favourite game, cos when it finishes, you feel so empty, like you've lived the last 96 hours (yes!) with those characters.

But returning back to what I really wanted to say, there is this opera song in this game. And the video they made for that, dont watch all those things flying in the background, watch what your supposed to do. It's very important to identify the things that are relevant to you in any thing you see. And just read those words that appear, and close your eyes to the music. And it was like something I can't explain.

A question you have searched all your life, you find here of all places. And though, weirdly enough, I have been trying to decipher it for the last two years, and if I ever dare to place it in front of someone, they think I have lost it!!!! Oh I remember, when I first posed this question, and the reply was - You should get it published in the newspaper, you're a good writer???!!!!!

All I can say is - the crazy laughing smiley on yahoo is my answer!!!

Unforeseen Visitors : Invasion of the Shore

2007-06-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

If you sat at a shore and saw a dolphin jump out of the water then you would marvel at the sight you have just witnessed. And you would wait for the dolphins to jump out again. But for how long would that amaze you? Not for long I fear. In economics that is called the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility!! Ha Ha!! I just remembered economics in the middle of a philosophical tale. But then, economics is based on human behaviour.

But would the same stand true for a rainbow? Well, I believe rainbows have some cosmic/divine energy about them and hence the theory wouldnt stand true.

He was happy with his lonely shore I guess. Maybe some nights he would cry out in anguish at the lake, and the winds, and the rocks, and at himself. But then all of us are entitled to moments of such insanity. One night, he finds an empty bottle, and he decides to test out the waters, and writes a letter and throws it back into the lake. A fool's hope is all you have, when you do actions beyond your own comprehension. He wouldnt admit it, but hope never dies, even if everything else dies.

And lo presto, the next morning he wakes up to a thundering sound. Ships!!!! Humans coming back to the deserted island!!!! Things unheard of!!! All the animals had gathered near the shore, watching another herd of animals disembark the ship. And what might they be doing here.

He knows those faces, oh yes he does.

They look back at astonishment. And they are all smiling at him - the one that was left behind. Why are they here?? He watches them setting up a camp near the shore. "My shore!!"

Slowly he turns away, and decides to move a bit further from this camp. His part of the shore isnt far away. A rock circle, with turtles playing in the shallow waters, and unfinished sand castles await him. Just then, a gentle voice calls out him name from behind. He turns back to see a familiar face, and an even more familiar glass bottle.

"You sent this last night."
Well, ummmm! He wasnt expecting an answer to the letter, was he?

She continued - "This is not a lake you know, its an ocean, a very vast ocean, and beyond this ocean lie great things, marvellous cities, and a whole new world."

They walked towards his home - the hollow stone circle. How was he to say that he made a statue of her last night, but demolished it in his rage, because he thought it didnt look pretty. The pieces of the statue looked pretty to him though!! How ironic!!

"Why are all these people here?"

"They have come to build an observation post here."

"WWWHAAATTTT!!!"

"Why dont you come with us, across the oceans, and you would love it there, everyone does!!"

"Ummmm! This is my home! I love it here."

"Then why the letter??"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do, you don't wanna be here, come with us."

"Noooo! I dont belong there......, besides, I love it here."

She said no further, and walked back to the camp. He stood there, watching the sun go down. It hadnt set yet. There was this cliff nearby, and he quickly made his way up there, and the wind blew on his face, and in his head the song - Across The Stars was playing. A signboard nearby read - On your own? And now he could also see smoke coming from the direction of the camp. They have taken everything dear to me, and now of all things, this place too.......

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

---keane---

Untitled

2007-06-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

Unsung Song Unsaid Words

Asking You a Question

Unfinished Life Unattempted Promises

Glaring at You

Everything is Falling around you

Everyone is Crawling upon you

And you think to your self

Is this life or what

Everything has hollowed now

And Is this where we end

Stop Asking those Questions

Keep Walking and Maybe the tunnel ends

Silence of the Lambs....

2007-06-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

You stare for a while and then you turn away. You think you know those faces, yes you do... But you don't belong there. There is a wretched silence and everything drowns in that silence. Its not just an exterior silence, it's silent inside and that is dangerous. Very dangerous. Silence has crept into the system...its not easy to repel this silence.....

When was the last time you said your lines... Never....

When was the last time you sung your song aloud.....Never......

When was the last time you laughed your heart out......Never.....

They look back with astonishment, and then u watch it turn into a smirk, and then the smirk turns into a monster.....And it haunts you in your unconsciousness.

He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out

He's chokin, how everybody's jokin now

I feel miserable for him. He just doesnt wanna wake up and have another morning. And what do u do for such a person. The height of laziness is when you refuse to live. There is no apparent reason. Is there a disappointment?? Probably of a unorganized, unplanned and creeky life. No, its more like a disappointment of a life gone wrong. You're not there. You were supposed to be somewhere, but when you arrive there, everyone has already left. And you're left on the shores waiting for a new boat. But but but.....it's not your turn now. See, you left your turn, so how can u be adjusted in other people's turns. People are coming from behind, pushing you aside and making their way across the lake.

Could'nt I swim?? I could, but then Iiiiiiiiiiii, naaaahhh I rather wait on the shores and watch the sun go up and go down. And besides who knows what lies on the other side of the lake. But then you're told that if you never make it there then how are you to judge what is there on the other side. Maybe there is this beautiful fountain there, which refreshes all that seek it. But maybe there is a desert on the other side. How am I to know?? For no one ever comes back. I call this shore mine, and I claim it as mine, and I shall dwell here for all eternity.

Keane : Words Say It All

2007-05-19T00:49:00.000-07:00

Walnut Tree

Once, there was a great storm

Pushed my head beneath the waves

I was gone

Underneath the walnut tree

Where you said you'd wait for me

And I waited, a long long time

I waited a long, long time

Why, why do I come here

Seeking out the memories

I hold dear?

Cos you put your spell on me

Made me live in memory

And I'm frozen, in just the wrong time

I waited a long, long time

He said everything so simply. In words that I was searching for. And they say it all. They just need to be heard I guess. I needed to be heard I guess. But I didnt have the words. He had them. How did he get them??

Why?? Why do I come here?? Such a wonderful question that is. We must all seek inside to answer that. And most of us wouldnt know the answer to that question. Cos maybe there isnt an answer to that question. Maybe something drags us back to the same old points in life. Something we cling on to and never want to let go. And we wait eternally for something that will never happen. And maybe the storm has long passed but we refuse to accept that it has. We wish the storm would last forever and so perhaps we can dwell in those waters which we proudly call our sanctuary. Look outside though - the storm has ceased. And now the walnut tree bears fruit once more, but winter isnt far away. And then............

The Caverns of Despair

2007-05-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

There is a state of unrest which is beyond comprehension. It is a mixed feeling of drowsiness, guilt, discontent, madness and the same time a strange feeling of satiation. It is almost like there is nothing left to do, and what you would rather do is die. Not wake up in the morning. You would love to not wake up in the morning. It is difficult to have your eyes open and when you close your eyes, you see devils hovering. They are claiming your soul, scavenging on what is left of your sanity. And then you feel completely lost, falling through everything, unaware of what is around you. All you can feel is those strange, shining lights in the distance. They look marvelous. And if for a second you are stupid enough to hold out your hand to feel them, to grab them, to be a part of that light, you find that those lights are going farther away, refuting your claim. They are mocking at you and what is worse is that they might even burn your hand. And you wait quietly in your cavern, hoping that you would last your days there. It would be painful, watching all those dreams die in that cavern, but it’s a feeling long endured, and now that you are speechless and your eyes have lost all sense of innocence and you can’t recognize yourself in the mirror. Your mental self image still wants to hold on to that image long lost, and you don’t think you have the courage to take that away from yourself. No, you can’t, why, I don’t know. Maybe it’s a treasure, maybe it’s a curse, maybe both. You think you want to say something but it won’t come out right and as you fumble to find light in that cavern, something you can call you own, you realize that you might hate this place as much as you love it. Would you prefer another cavern? But what difference would it make. I don’t see any, maybe you could tell me some day when we do move to a new cavern. And now that you have lost all sense of day and night, life seems to be less painful. And you want to comfort yourself with false beliefs. You think they will make your stay worthwhile. Beware! Don’t be foolish to drag another living creature in this living hell of yours. And as you face contempt from even those bats hanging upside down on the roof, you realize that a quick blow might be decisive.

Then you think about what is this life for. And if you are courageous enough then maybe you can go hunt outside. You should go. That is what common sense says. But what will you do when you are beyond all sense. And occasionally all those points that have passed you in life flash before your eyes. Could I have stayed at that point? Could I have changed my fate at that point? Is this a point in life? Don’t be tempted by those glowering lights. It’s a mirage, when you go out to find them, they will vanish and you will be in a desert. This desert is vast, you don’t know where it starts or where it ends, but it keeps flowing like an ocean. And you are stranded on a plank of wood, looking out for ships. No ship is coming to save you! No angel is coming to help you out! And don’t mistake the albatross for an angel, though it may seem angelic, it will lead you to your downfall.

Do you still have the courage to keep your eyes open? You are scared to look inside because all you will see is darkness and emptiness. You are scared to ask why? The seers say that you must not let that darkness take over your life. How? You don’t know the way, but that is not because your vision is clouded, but because you are sure there is no way. I remember the starting words of a song – It’s a lonely road that you chosen, morning comes and you don’t want to know me anymore. Each morning makes the burden difficult and you feel entrapped. Will they forgive you, will you forgive yourself, and will you redeem all those dreams somehow?

Lost soul or maybe no sleep or maybe something else

2007-05-15T09:32:00.002-07:00

I dont feel sleepy at all...............I....Its 1:24am, I dont think I have been up this late for a long long time. I dont feel sleepy.

I wandered off somewhere wrong today....and was mislead for a moment....I have no clue what I am saying.

But I wanna say something but the words wont come out right. I am so tired, I wish I wud sleep and never ever wake up again......

I am falling and this fall is not breaking up, I need it to stop, I need to find a ledge. But there are no ledges, there are none. I have looked around and now I am tired. My brain tells me to stop looking for ledges.

I am so scared....its getting so dark and murky....oh my god......I am really scared. We all get one life and look what have I done!!! Oh my god! Am I to fall all eternity and watch everything go past me in flashes....beautiful these flashes are indeed but they are not mine.....I am losing my soul, maybe I dont even have one anymore. Oh those flashes they look beautiful, but.......

I want to stop or maybe I want it to end. Maybe both. Maybe none. Maybe something. Maybe nothing. I dont know what I want. And that is scary. Am I mad? I dont know. I try to say words but they are drying up, everything is drying up. Oh my god! I cant, I must, I have to! Noooooo!

Oh those beautiful flashes and what of me? Am I a flash to someone too? I dont know! As I cannot see beyond my perimeter. No I cant. I see darkness and I am losing everything. I dont have anything left. And it so scary. What am I worried of? I know the answer, but I cannot tell myself that. No! I cant! I am sorry.

Oh everything is not my fault! Or maybe it is. Everything should go well and I wanna be redeemed in this life, or maybe I will burn in the cauldrons of hell and maybe my soul will wander on this earth for as long as Cain.

If only I could tell myself what worries me. Oh its so much and yet so little. Shall I run off and be a coward or stand up and watch those flashes and be illusioned that I am being brave by opening my eyes. Oh those flashes!

I can write. And no one can take that away!

And I need to finish that letter one day but that hardly matters anymore and that wud be last on the list of my worries. Oh but those flashes. And does something flash from there too? Yes! Yes it does. And as the song plays - One way or another I am gonna find ya, I remember that day. And though its been time but those flashes keep reminding of a distant happiness that is just a flash.

Oh there is hardly any of that flash. Oh they are there in the distance. Oh god!!!

Nokia 6610 - LOSSTT!!

2007-05-15T09:32:00.001-07:00

That black shiny nokia phone is lost!! Seems like yesterday that I bought it!! Well it fell on almost every day but never broke down...no repairs....and never ever lost before....gone now forever!!

Lots of memories with that one...lots....gprs...airtel trak-ur-mate....lots....

I guess I wanted to save it forever....and remember those times for ever...sapna....definitely.... and its gone now.... I felt like crying when I realised it was gone and I was teary eyed. Pathetic... it was just a cell phone...

I just wish I cud have it back in my hands...black...withered but still sturdy.. Had it for nearly two years now and it was like a logical extension of me.... boy I wish I cud have it back

This is the end of all things.... gprs.... yahoo mail... and the times I had it with me are all in the memories... boy I am so emotional about a mobile ... what the hell.... maybe I might just find it and if I dont then no Mr.I-pod on saturday... we're gonna buy - Nokia 5200!!

Bye Bye 6610.. black... withered...and still alive

The End of 2006

2007-05-15T09:30:00.001-07:00

Well its about to get over! The end of an year. The end seems no different from how it actually started out. It seems not so long ago that it started out and yet this has been in many ways the longest year of my life. Though technically all years are 365 days (barring leap years).

Well I really dont know what to say....But I have to write something. There are times when you cant do anything and you realise that somethings will never change. The core of me will never change I guess. But its these experiences that give directions to a life.

How did it start? It was a pathetic start to the year actually. Very bad new year day. What followed in the next monthswasnt good either. It was the worst year of my life.

But I just remember that song....Everybody's got something they had to leave behind....I cant find ways to leave you behind....I never found the words to say, you're the one I think about each day!

I really do!! Its just incredible. It wasnt my fault......maybe it was. I dont know.

Somehow it was difficult to give something up the first time and now I feel I can give up anything or anyone and it wouldnt hurt me. Nope. All those horrible days I waited. And I was an idiot. And then people using me for their own purposes. I dont know which was worse.

But next year will have to be the best year of my life. I have to finish my CA. And we start from tomorrow. And no more computer or orkutting or being here. This is it. I have to realise some of my dreams. And I cant loose myself. Somehow it will be difficult to trust people.

Lets be serious and do things right this year. And so that my mind doesnt shout - You're an idiot!! Yup! And work hard this year to make things work. We cant undo our decisions in life but we can try to move forward and try to salvage what is left of our dreams. And besides that was never a part of my original dreams. It just happened to connect beautifully and integrate into them.

So maybe God will be kind to be this year. And I leave everything to him. I didnt do anything wrong and it was not my intention. And maybe some day I will explain that. No more sack of rotten potatoes. Lets get going. 2007 - the year when I overcame my demons and won a losing race!!!

Very Superstitious

2007-05-15T09:28:00.001-07:00

Now this levis ad comes along....a guy steals a jeans from a balcony and puts it on. And that is where the fun starts...Apparently he starts doing things that the owner of the jeans is doing!! Pelvic thrusts at that too! The owner enjoying with his girlfriend and the people in the metro get to see the action from the poor thief!! Ha! And so the guy finally decides to give up and put the jeans back. The best thing is the song that plays in the backgroud - Superstition by Stevey Wonder. Cool song....Very superstitious...writing's on the wall!!!!

Very superstitious, writings on the wall,
Very superstitious, ladders bout to fall,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin glass
Seven years of bad luck, the good things in your past.
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition aint the way
Very superstitious, wash your face and hands,
Rid me of the problem,
do all that you can,Keep me in a daydream,
keep me goin strong,
You dont wanna save me, sad is my song.
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition aint the way, yeh, yeh.
Very superstitious, nothin more to say,
Very superstitious, the devils on his way,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin glass,
Seven years of bad luck, good things in your past
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,Superstition aint the way, no, no, no

Bedshaped - Keane

2007-05-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

There is this song by an English Band - Keane from their album Hopes and Fears. Its the video of the song combined with the video that make the complete effect. Strangely enough I could somehow relate to that naked character stumbling down those steps unable it seems to cope up with everything around him. And was he still fighting his demons or had he given up on them is for him to say.....I really want to make a guess but it may be inappropriate...What do I know? What do I know? I know!!

He feels everyone can see right through him and see him naked....and stumbling down those steps and what seems the death of a spirit...and it seems he find he is more comfortable in that underground hiding place of his..unwilling to go up again....and why should he...

But that silly cat gives him hope and he thinks its enough for him to conquer all those devils inside him....no...they have been there too long....its going to take more than a cat and clothes for him to come up those steps again....he falls again.....

And does he pray or does it happen with divine intervention is something which again I cannot fathom....if he would pray then he would need to have a soul for that....u cannot pray without a soul....and if u wish for miracles then u need to have hope....without hope there can be no miracles....

So a miracle happens and the wall behind him erupts into white light and he finds himself in a new dimension....and he can see him shadow....after a long time I presume and perhaps even his creator....does that symbolise death....or defeat....Maybe death....

So he didnt really conquer his fears and thats not a start for him...he ran away.....he lost....a miracle happened and he finds himself far away from a place where his demons would haunt him!!! SO its not a start as Avi said....definitely not....

Marry Christmas!!

2007-05-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

Its 11.58, but still im wishing u cos now party is gonna start! Hope christmas brings u lots and lots lots of happiness! Marry christmas....

Sorry but i cant MARRY christmas. I wont and u cant force me too. JK...

Ha ha ha!!!!

And now i am thinking of marrying christmas. Whats her number.

Shut up!!!

What if i dont shut up?

If u dont shut up Ill tell santa clause not to give u any christmas presents!!!

Well unfortunately santa doesnt listen to u. Santa is sick so ill be delivering tonight and blore is definitely not on my route.

U giving the presents to all the ppl in the world!Please!! Dont ull spoil the christmas.. I wished for a great internal paper which i can write and for even greater external paper, and some other stuff......What did u ask??

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

2007-05-15T09:23:00.001-07:00

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindu's, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations.

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B thegoods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as give seach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.

CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe than those of his neighbor.

COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure.

EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.

Right Here Waiting For You

2007-05-15T09:11:00.002-07:00

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
#
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
#
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Waiting for you
####
Richard Marx

DON'T QUIT - GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION

2007-05-15T09:11:00.001-07:00

Don't QuitWhen things go wrong,
as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low and the debts are high;
And you want to smile,
but you have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit...
Rest if you must,
but you don't quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar....
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit....
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

When I was One and Twenty One

2007-05-15T09:10:00.001-07:00

When I was one and twenty one
I heard a wise man say,
"Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;
give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free,
"But I was one and twenty,
No use to talk to me
# #
When I was one and twenty
I heard him say again,
"The heart out of the bosom
was never given in vain;
Tis paid with sighs a plenty
and sold for endless rue,"
And I am two and twenty
And oh, tis true, tis true
#
----A.E.Housman

New Ties Old Ties.....But where is the suit ?

2007-05-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

I didnt think of that title before hand...But its good I guess... So what was I to say...I dunno... Whatever happened back then is over and everyone deserves a fresh start and this is it and I wanna start fresh. And as someone said - being angry is like carrying a sack of potatoes..they rot and still u dont keep carrying them on ur back. Why would I wanna do that... No way... its so stupid but somehow somethings will always be close to you no matter what... Its not the duration that matters, its probably the connection. I dunno... And what about those new ties... I am scared to be honest but I am probably calmer now than I was last year and a lot more matured... Ha!! I dunno... But I am not looking for anyone now... I promised that to myself... Whatever happens... WHO CARES?

Never Sang My Songs

2007-05-15T09:05:00.002-07:00

Never sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Never said my words
Wishing they would be heard

I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you
Maybe yes, maybe no

I kind of liked it your your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Oh, did you ever know?
That I had mine on you

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down

Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast

And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is

How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming.....

The Search for the Sunken Shoe

2007-05-15T09:05:00.001-07:00

A ship sinks, a boat sinks, a whole fleet sinks and sometimes just a shoe sinks. Sometimes the shoe remains sunk and sometimes someone fishing finds it. But that may take days, months and sometimes even years. And have you ever thought what the shoe is thinking all that time, waiting to be retrieved from the waters it has been condemned to. I don’t know what a sunken shoe thinks because I have never met one. But I do have a fair idea of what it would think and I only have to confirm my beliefs.My life is sinking. I don’t know why. But more importantly has it sunk or is it sinking. I am not sure. If a shoe were sinking how would it know how far it has gone down. Surely it wouldn’t have known that beforehand. Every meter it goes down it would feel that the end is near. As for me, I am no shoe. But I do wish I were a shoe.

I Dunno

2007-05-15T09:04:00.001-07:00

The matter of good and bad is a mere perception. But it’s important what you feel when you are alone. If you can shut your conscious and lock it up in a trunk then that’s just great, but for those who can’t, it’s a tough road to tread. I agree that no one is just Good or bad. And it’s not as easy as classifying people into those two broad categories. It’s important to know what is right and wrong, but sometimes that mere knowledge or at least the thought of it can make one’s decision’s delayed and deliberated for too long. And once it’s too late, it’s too late. Every thing needs to occur in a specific time period for it to be effective and once that time has passed one can do nothing but look back and wonder – what if?

A way...Maybe Forgotten

2007-05-15T09:03:00.003-07:00

If I dont find a way no one will. I cant let it drift. I can't let my life go down the drain. I know I don't know what I am looking for. But then who does. Or do they really know what they want. No! They are all pretending, everyone is insecure. I just can't give up. Not right now.Take these broken wings and learnn to fly againAnd learn to sing and be so free....

I am No DUDE !?!!??!

2007-05-15T09:03:00.001-07:00

I said that then....I say it now...I dont wanna find that excerpt....its not hard to find...but it will be hard to read. I didnt lie...I am no dude...The Da changed to Dude and so much more changed after that. Those dude's are not difficult to find. And I guess she found all the dudes she wanted. No offense intended. She asked what was wrong in calling me dude. I just dont like being called that. Its just not me......I guess she knows that.....I still dont know why....

What are you looking for?

2007-05-15T09:02:00.001-07:00

I ask you this...I dont know...It was a very simple question WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, HERE, IN THIS DYING WORLD.....I didnt have an asnwer. Why should success be measured in monetary terms. Or maybe social terms. But that concept could be deep rooted and even if you dont want what everybody wants, do you have the courage to deny yourself from what you perhaps deserve just because you think you dont want it. Maybe you could need it. Would having it make you guilty. Would not having it make you jealous. But do I truly know what I am looking for. I really dont know and that question comes back time and again to haunt me...Maybe I am not looking for anything and maybe you never know what you are looking for till you get it...maybe....

I..............think......I.....wanted.....to say......something

2006-10-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

I did think that! But what exactly it was I wasnt sure. I just dont know what happened and why did it happen. I am not even sure something happened. But its this typhoon that is gathering in my head. I dont know when it will stop. All I need is the title of my book and rest will follow. The words will flow. I know that. But where wud I get a title. Its not everyday that u decide to wrote about what had happened. Its not everyday that u can. It wasnt my fault. I have to stop blaming myself. But was that the case. I dont know. I hate people who cant tell me the reasons. I want a right reason not all the wrong ones.