Rango se kahoon
Lakeero se kahoon
Maili maili si tasveeron se kahoon
Bekarari si bekarari hai
To colors I say
To lines I say
To these dusty pictures I say
Something is amiss.....
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Ipso Facto....
So, its been a while again. Some days its hard to tell what is real. I have a real problem figuring that out lately. Not lately though on second thought.
Sometimes I feel like I am still sleepwalking my life. Like waiting for something to happen. I don't know what.
I don't really. like my job. It doesn't really excite me. But I guess it he pays well for effort I put into it. And its funny. that this has been my first job where I haven't put in any serious effort. My team is kinda nice. I like them. But its mostly about getting through the day.
I blew 2 lakh + in the stock market in the last two weeks. That has been depressing.. But sometimes I feel very indifferent and uncaring about it. Thtat makes me feel guilty as it was my hard earned. money. Am I being sself destructive again?
I don't really connect with my wife that well either. I am afraid there could be issues on that front too sooner rather than later.
I feel very empty and alone. I need to watch out my internal commentary.
When the day is done
Down to the earth sinks the sun
Along with everything that was lost and won
When the day is done
Sometimes I feel like I am still sleepwalking my life. Like waiting for something to happen. I don't know what.
I don't really. like my job. It doesn't really excite me. But I guess it he pays well for effort I put into it. And its funny. that this has been my first job where I haven't put in any serious effort. My team is kinda nice. I like them. But its mostly about getting through the day.
I blew 2 lakh + in the stock market in the last two weeks. That has been depressing.. But sometimes I feel very indifferent and uncaring about it. Thtat makes me feel guilty as it was my hard earned. money. Am I being sself destructive again?
I don't really connect with my wife that well either. I am afraid there could be issues on that front too sooner rather than later.
I feel very empty and alone. I need to watch out my internal commentary.
When the day is done
Down to the earth sinks the sun
Along with everything that was lost and won
When the day is done
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
You just got pwned
I cudnt think of a title. I was just thinking about my blog title. I says a simple line which means so much more.
What it says is I am ok. Not really. I think I aom ok. But I might not really be ok. I might be pretending to be ok. And what really defines ok. Ok isnt good or bad. Ok is just ok. You say I am ok to people that you do not wish to show your emotions to. Ok is a way of existence that is not very fulfilling. If you asked me, everything is ok. There havent been extremely happy eventa in my life in the last few yeara. Infact I cant remember a happy event ever. When I was truly happy. You know, pure bliss. So I am living a life thats ok.
I dont like my job. I dont like my family. I am not excited about my upcoming marriage either.
Dont it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
I am just disappointed. Not terribly mad to be honest now. I got past that realization of doom which occurred to me last winter. I am not guilty, I am not depressed. I am just disappointed with life. But to be honest if I dont know how will get out of here now. It could be excruciatingly painful slow death here. I have to have to have to run away.
Promise me you will. I dont know where but somewhere. Life's dying.
All you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
What it says is I am ok. Not really. I think I aom ok. But I might not really be ok. I might be pretending to be ok. And what really defines ok. Ok isnt good or bad. Ok is just ok. You say I am ok to people that you do not wish to show your emotions to. Ok is a way of existence that is not very fulfilling. If you asked me, everything is ok. There havent been extremely happy eventa in my life in the last few yeara. Infact I cant remember a happy event ever. When I was truly happy. You know, pure bliss. So I am living a life thats ok.
I dont like my job. I dont like my family. I am not excited about my upcoming marriage either.
Dont it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
I am just disappointed. Not terribly mad to be honest now. I got past that realization of doom which occurred to me last winter. I am not guilty, I am not depressed. I am just disappointed with life. But to be honest if I dont know how will get out of here now. It could be excruciatingly painful slow death here. I have to have to have to run away.
Promise me you will. I dont know where but somewhere. Life's dying.
All you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
Purpose of life?
I dont understand the meaning of anything anymore. I am just tired. Very tired.
Whats the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
I screamed a lot today. I cant scream louder than that. Maybe I could. I wish I got hit by that car this evening.
I am just tired. When am I gonna get my due in life?
Whats the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
I screamed a lot today. I cant scream louder than that. Maybe I could. I wish I got hit by that car this evening.
I am just tired. When am I gonna get my due in life?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
This is the last time
Its been more than a year since I last heard this song. It has some memories too. This was the first Keane song that I really liked (apart from Bedshaped maybe). And I remember talking to Avi about it. I told her how I didn't really understand what he was saying and I made up the lyrics to sing it up. She admitted she did the same. That was the winter of 2006-07.
Years have gone by. I lost myself along the way. Made some crazy decisions, got them all wrong. And then pushed myself in a corner so that I wasn't in control of my life anymore. On how many days of your life, do you choose your career and spouse both on the same day?
The sun helps me to think better. As night draws in, my mind wanders, and I go into these crazy bouts. These days I have these flashing images of the past again. Its funny its the same time of the year, last year, that I was having these flashes. Do things have these cyclical patterns? Such random memories, such random people, such random days, pop in at any time. When I wake up, when I am walking up to my dreaded office, when I am playing warcraft.
I checked, I actually do have almost most of those chat memories saved. Funny. I was such a kid then. I couldn't read most of it. It didn't make sense. Was I pretending? Was that me? Was I creative, innovate, brimming with original ideas, or was I trying to woo a girl? I miss her as a friends a lot of times. The one person in the whole world that sort of got me. Whatever, its been like more than a year.
We all have illusions and delusions and they are all empty! --- Rodney A from Yahoo Answers...
Years have gone by. I lost myself along the way. Made some crazy decisions, got them all wrong. And then pushed myself in a corner so that I wasn't in control of my life anymore. On how many days of your life, do you choose your career and spouse both on the same day?
The sun helps me to think better. As night draws in, my mind wanders, and I go into these crazy bouts. These days I have these flashing images of the past again. Its funny its the same time of the year, last year, that I was having these flashes. Do things have these cyclical patterns? Such random memories, such random people, such random days, pop in at any time. When I wake up, when I am walking up to my dreaded office, when I am playing warcraft.
I checked, I actually do have almost most of those chat memories saved. Funny. I was such a kid then. I couldn't read most of it. It didn't make sense. Was I pretending? Was that me? Was I creative, innovate, brimming with original ideas, or was I trying to woo a girl? I miss her as a friends a lot of times. The one person in the whole world that sort of got me. Whatever, its been like more than a year.
We all have illusions and delusions and they are all empty! --- Rodney A from Yahoo Answers...
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Sleepwalking through life
I can't find a title... no song titles, no Warcraft achievements, no quotes....
Listening to Northern Sky. It's such a nice song.
Tomorrow is sort of a big day. Not that big really. I have this interview tomorrow for a job that could get me out of a lot of mess. Hope it doesn't get me into more mess. I am nervous about it, and as a matter of fact nervous/excited about something after quite some time. I have given lots of interviews recently. Sleepwalked most of them, saying absurd things.
I have been sleepwalking through life lately, without a real meaning in life. There was no meaning earlier as well, but I wasn't so aware of it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Wake up each morning, struggle to get up and get ready. Sleep through to office. Somehow manage through each day, attempting to not do anything, just trying to get another day out of the way. Come back home, eat food, spend some time with Tromp and Klix, and sleep... hoping that tomorrow doesn't come. Rinse and repeat for 4 days, and on the 5th, forget about everything, and hope that this night doesn't end.
I can't see anything down this road to be honest. I can't see down any road for that matter. Having finally acknowledged that I am going through severe depression, I have just turned to anti-establishment. Life can be such a lonely affair, and in the end you are responsible for the life you live in. And no one owes you anything in life, those things that you thought were yours. And try explaining yourself to someone, no one has the energy or time. When you see the world through this unengaged lens, nothing makes sense. Why should I do it all?
But tomorrow I try to get that job, just to get out of this one. How does it help? Well for one, I just can't be put to line here, I am either going to be fired, or be a pain for everyone. It's just gone out of control. A new job, a new vision, a better field, a better company, a more respectful job, better salary. Downside is that its a job again, and that too among pricks, they could be terrible, selfish type A people. And worst the job requires to wear a tie. A promised myself once that I could never work in a place that requires to wear a tie. A tie!! Can you imagine, as if having my body & soul trapped in a cubicle wasn't enough, you need to have my throat constricted as well.
But so many promises have been broken. So many dreams have been lost. I am not sane right at this moment. But when my Sane half wakes up again, he will chide me for thinking like this. He will tell me - BE PRACTICAL U IDIOT. You have ruined your career, your family hates you, you have no friends, your co-workers laugh on you, and you still want to indulge in this crazy talk? Look what you have become, stop playing world of warcraft. Pay attention to where your life is going. You are 27, life has come and gone by.
He's right too, you know. I have horrible nights in the last few months. I have woke up in the middle of the night, unable to understand how it is that I reached here. And unable to find energy for staying awake. It's like Dante's opening lines. That tomorrow is a wonderful opportunity to fix it all. Please make it work out. And maybe some of my bitterness will sweeten. I am so scared of wishing for things now too. How can I be sure that what I am wishing for is the best for me? But I really don't have any more patience left. I really don't want to work in that place for another day.
No lyrics today... not enough time to find a line.... If I dont write by this weekend, I guess its another painful journey for the next few months.
Listening to Northern Sky. It's such a nice song.
Tomorrow is sort of a big day. Not that big really. I have this interview tomorrow for a job that could get me out of a lot of mess. Hope it doesn't get me into more mess. I am nervous about it, and as a matter of fact nervous/excited about something after quite some time. I have given lots of interviews recently. Sleepwalked most of them, saying absurd things.
I have been sleepwalking through life lately, without a real meaning in life. There was no meaning earlier as well, but I wasn't so aware of it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Wake up each morning, struggle to get up and get ready. Sleep through to office. Somehow manage through each day, attempting to not do anything, just trying to get another day out of the way. Come back home, eat food, spend some time with Tromp and Klix, and sleep... hoping that tomorrow doesn't come. Rinse and repeat for 4 days, and on the 5th, forget about everything, and hope that this night doesn't end.
I can't see anything down this road to be honest. I can't see down any road for that matter. Having finally acknowledged that I am going through severe depression, I have just turned to anti-establishment. Life can be such a lonely affair, and in the end you are responsible for the life you live in. And no one owes you anything in life, those things that you thought were yours. And try explaining yourself to someone, no one has the energy or time. When you see the world through this unengaged lens, nothing makes sense. Why should I do it all?
But tomorrow I try to get that job, just to get out of this one. How does it help? Well for one, I just can't be put to line here, I am either going to be fired, or be a pain for everyone. It's just gone out of control. A new job, a new vision, a better field, a better company, a more respectful job, better salary. Downside is that its a job again, and that too among pricks, they could be terrible, selfish type A people. And worst the job requires to wear a tie. A promised myself once that I could never work in a place that requires to wear a tie. A tie!! Can you imagine, as if having my body & soul trapped in a cubicle wasn't enough, you need to have my throat constricted as well.
But so many promises have been broken. So many dreams have been lost. I am not sane right at this moment. But when my Sane half wakes up again, he will chide me for thinking like this. He will tell me - BE PRACTICAL U IDIOT. You have ruined your career, your family hates you, you have no friends, your co-workers laugh on you, and you still want to indulge in this crazy talk? Look what you have become, stop playing world of warcraft. Pay attention to where your life is going. You are 27, life has come and gone by.
He's right too, you know. I have horrible nights in the last few months. I have woke up in the middle of the night, unable to understand how it is that I reached here. And unable to find energy for staying awake. It's like Dante's opening lines. That tomorrow is a wonderful opportunity to fix it all. Please make it work out. And maybe some of my bitterness will sweeten. I am so scared of wishing for things now too. How can I be sure that what I am wishing for is the best for me? But I really don't have any more patience left. I really don't want to work in that place for another day.
No lyrics today... not enough time to find a line.... If I dont write by this weekend, I guess its another painful journey for the next few months.
Monday, February 07, 2011
In trouble with my soul...
I am bothered with my soul
I am walking beside my shoes
Your questions pull and drag
A future which seduces
Don't let me breath
I am selling joy to pain
To convince that I am alive
I am feeding my own screams
With my thoughts so stupidly
Complaining with fear
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
I want to laugh at everything
But there are no laughter's left
I wave myself through the day
And I shout in empty rooms
Who made these rules?
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
(I saw deathwing today... looked cool :( )
I am walking beside my shoes
Your questions pull and drag
A future which seduces
Don't let me breath
I am selling joy to pain
To convince that I am alive
I am feeding my own screams
With my thoughts so stupidly
Complaining with fear
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
I want to laugh at everything
But there are no laughter's left
I wave myself through the day
And I shout in empty rooms
Who made these rules?
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
(I saw deathwing today... looked cool :( )
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Comfortably Numb
I feel really alone lately.... really alone....
You know this time comes in your life when you are no longer a kid, and you are meant to act in a certain way. And I just couldn't cope with it. Now I just kinda live, but I don't really feel anything anymore.
I have absolutely no friends now, real or otherwise. Weekdays are spent passing time and office, and sleeping at home at night. Weekends are spent on sleeping and world of warcraft.
I came across this song today :
Life is bitter
A kiss could be so sweet
I've got a tattoo inside my eyes
For a girl I'll never meet
I have no one to share it with. I have no one to share my life with. I wish I could talk to Avi maybe.... But I guess she outgrew that whole silly nonsense talks.
And age is catching up on me, I'll be 27 in a few days. 27! Twenty seven! If I remember like 3-4 years ago, I would have never figured I'd be this way when I would have turned 27. A person completely uninterested in his life.
You know I learnt life's deepest secrets, but I still don't know what to do with them. Like how it's your life, and when you lie on your deathbed, you are not going to be answerable to anyone else but your ownself. Actually it's all very confusing, all kinda confusing theories. Another one says since life is short, you ought to make the people who matter around you happy. I am not doing either one.
I guess a lot of people would find it ridiculously funny and horrific to know that the reason why I didn't want to marry, was the exact thing that I refused to accept for marriage. But guess what, deep inside something tells me I'm not going to be normal ever again. Maybe I'd die at 27.
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
You know this time comes in your life when you are no longer a kid, and you are meant to act in a certain way. And I just couldn't cope with it. Now I just kinda live, but I don't really feel anything anymore.
I have absolutely no friends now, real or otherwise. Weekdays are spent passing time and office, and sleeping at home at night. Weekends are spent on sleeping and world of warcraft.
I came across this song today :
Life is bitter
A kiss could be so sweet
I've got a tattoo inside my eyes
For a girl I'll never meet
I have no one to share it with. I have no one to share my life with. I wish I could talk to Avi maybe.... But I guess she outgrew that whole silly nonsense talks.
And age is catching up on me, I'll be 27 in a few days. 27! Twenty seven! If I remember like 3-4 years ago, I would have never figured I'd be this way when I would have turned 27. A person completely uninterested in his life.
You know I learnt life's deepest secrets, but I still don't know what to do with them. Like how it's your life, and when you lie on your deathbed, you are not going to be answerable to anyone else but your ownself. Actually it's all very confusing, all kinda confusing theories. Another one says since life is short, you ought to make the people who matter around you happy. I am not doing either one.
I guess a lot of people would find it ridiculously funny and horrific to know that the reason why I didn't want to marry, was the exact thing that I refused to accept for marriage. But guess what, deep inside something tells me I'm not going to be normal ever again. Maybe I'd die at 27.
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Look what I've become.....
Of all the things I was capable of, this is where I am right now....
You would be very proud of me.... a liar, beggar, untrustworthy, friendless, covetous, broken person....
Discounted all my blessings for cheap trash....
Welcome to Hell....
Can any body find their home
Out of every one can anyone find their home
Lost in the sun can anyone find their home
Congratulations..... for a life you will always regret....
You would be very proud of me.... a liar, beggar, untrustworthy, friendless, covetous, broken person....
Discounted all my blessings for cheap trash....
Welcome to Hell....
Can any body find their home
Out of every one can anyone find their home
Lost in the sun can anyone find their home
Congratulations..... for a life you will always regret....
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
An empty life...
I always wonder why I never had any happy pictures to put on facebook or orkut.....
I think I am reaching the end of my life very soon.....
I think I am reaching the end of my life very soon.....
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Ghosts of the winter
I asked for punishment, and I got it....
I really understood the phrase - "The dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had"
I could ask for anything these days and I would see it walk into my life, and watch myself helplessly unable to take it. Too feeble, too guilty, too tired, too unworthy. I don't know if anyone has ever had this in their life. God would say - Now don't ever let me catch you say that I never gave you a chance to mend your life. I gave you one after another this winter!
I don't know if I will survive this winter. I have had visions of me jumping off Tower B. I don't think anyone would survive that fall.
What I wake up each morning, is dreading each day. Messing up things even further. Confused, lost, alone. The real world is so hard to live with. I was lost in my own world for so many years, and now when I can't hide anymore, I am not ready for anything. Too scared to take up anything. Going over his decisions over and over again, without any real solutions. Breaking promises. Breaking hearts. Destroying credibility.
I was lost all my life, but right now, I am just beyond lost. I am stranded on a crowded street, with things running over me. My head will just burst. (Listen to the guitar finish on the The Bitter Half of Me)
See me standing frustrated
See me standing reject
Just a shadow with no name
I am crying because this isn't who I am. This isn't who I was an year back. This year killed me. I killed myself. It won't ever be the same. Life has lost all its meaning. Not that it had any earlier, but there was always hope. But now there is none. I realize that I failed my life. It's a terrible burden to live with. Nothing will ever make it right. The winter of 2004 was a terrible realization too, but there was always hope then. I would find myself, and freedom. But now when I have abandoned all dreams, they don't call out to me either. It's more a shame. Guilt.
Please don't ever meet me. I don't think I can look you in the eye. I don't look myself in the eye anymore. I find it hard to stay awake these days. My mind just keeps haunting me if I am awake.
Do you still want to go to Mexico?
Run away for a year
I don't know what will happen when I get back
I don't know whether I will survive the year
I might just feel very helpless there
Do you want to go the consulting firm?
I lied to them
I don't wanna face some of those people
Do you wanna join that manufacturing co.?
It's a very very long commute
I really don't know whether I will live the pressure of that job
Do you wanna join that construction co.?
It's an unethical company to some extent
Commuting is a problem there too
Do you wanna go to Hyderabad/Bangalore for Deloitte?
I am not very sure about it
I dont know anyone there
Do you wanna stick around where you are?
I am not doing anything here and there is no future
Do you wanna get married this year or not?
I don't know....
I just don't know what I wanna do you. Please let me sleep. Please go away. Come again another day. Please let time stop. Please. Please let tomorrow never come. Please turn it all back. Please.
I really understood the phrase - "The dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had"
I could ask for anything these days and I would see it walk into my life, and watch myself helplessly unable to take it. Too feeble, too guilty, too tired, too unworthy. I don't know if anyone has ever had this in their life. God would say - Now don't ever let me catch you say that I never gave you a chance to mend your life. I gave you one after another this winter!
I don't know if I will survive this winter. I have had visions of me jumping off Tower B. I don't think anyone would survive that fall.
What I wake up each morning, is dreading each day. Messing up things even further. Confused, lost, alone. The real world is so hard to live with. I was lost in my own world for so many years, and now when I can't hide anymore, I am not ready for anything. Too scared to take up anything. Going over his decisions over and over again, without any real solutions. Breaking promises. Breaking hearts. Destroying credibility.
I was lost all my life, but right now, I am just beyond lost. I am stranded on a crowded street, with things running over me. My head will just burst. (Listen to the guitar finish on the The Bitter Half of Me)
See me standing frustrated
See me standing reject
Just a shadow with no name
I am crying because this isn't who I am. This isn't who I was an year back. This year killed me. I killed myself. It won't ever be the same. Life has lost all its meaning. Not that it had any earlier, but there was always hope. But now there is none. I realize that I failed my life. It's a terrible burden to live with. Nothing will ever make it right. The winter of 2004 was a terrible realization too, but there was always hope then. I would find myself, and freedom. But now when I have abandoned all dreams, they don't call out to me either. It's more a shame. Guilt.
Please don't ever meet me. I don't think I can look you in the eye. I don't look myself in the eye anymore. I find it hard to stay awake these days. My mind just keeps haunting me if I am awake.
Do you still want to go to Mexico?
Run away for a year
I don't know what will happen when I get back
I don't know whether I will survive the year
I might just feel very helpless there
Do you want to go the consulting firm?
I lied to them
I don't wanna face some of those people
Do you wanna join that manufacturing co.?
It's a very very long commute
I really don't know whether I will live the pressure of that job
Do you wanna join that construction co.?
It's an unethical company to some extent
Commuting is a problem there too
Do you wanna go to Hyderabad/Bangalore for Deloitte?
I am not very sure about it
I dont know anyone there
Do you wanna stick around where you are?
I am not doing anything here and there is no future
Do you wanna get married this year or not?
I don't know....
I just don't know what I wanna do you. Please let me sleep. Please go away. Come again another day. Please let time stop. Please. Please let tomorrow never come. Please turn it all back. Please.
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