Another year has passed me by. And all the last three new years, I have spent them the same way, alone in my room, maybe right on this chair. No, that chair broke two years back. The song that plays right now is Great Beyond from REM. Its been a strange year. I had a vision of how this was to be, and it turned out completely different. I thought I would study really hard this year, and try to get ready for my fly away. But I did none of that. Infact I havent put in lesser effort than I did this time around. It's been a year of laziness, rebelling, being oblivious.
I found so many songs this year which I think is the only thing I will write about in this post, cos summarizing the year is such a crappy idea which I dont intend to do. But then talking about songs?? I think I am drifting, but I just need to pull myself back. And I just got 17 days for that. I need to find my courage in the coming year to find my wings. Find my wings, thats the most anticipated event, more for a friend probably than me. And I am glad of that.
Clearing your head that important. To let go of any kinda bad feelings for anyone. We dont need to hold anything with us. Just let it all go away. And be clear about our path. Thats the only way you can achieve silence inside. The past few weeks I havent been silent inside. And thats bad, and thats why I needed to slow down things. And when u can hear urself calm, and steady and your vision clear, and the path visible, then you can probably run on that path, and leap off the mountain, and the wings will sprout. But if they dont then you would be betrayed, and all you would have is a never ending fall, and by the time your body arrives at the groud, you may not be alive.
Remember when you were young you shone like the sun
now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky
There is a problem feather's iron, bargain building weights and pulleys
Feather's hit he ground, before the weight can leave the air
Up and down, and in the end its only round and round, and round.
The coming year will decide my whole life. I think that would exactly how it would be. Would I ever be able to start my life, or would I be banished to the shadows. I have a strange feeling that its gonna be a very bad year. Very bad. I dont know why. I never asked for too much, but this is so important. It would require a honest effort from me too. Pull up the kid, and make him listen and follow the script. No breaking down. But I wonder, if a completely different fate is meant for us. I have always had this sneaking feeling that my fate is somehow not ordinary, it was never meant to be. To walk on a path which is less travelled is not easy, but if you can be devoted to that, and not complain, then maybe thats what you were meant for. From where I come from, you are not supposed to have a complicated fate, and it's so easy to just let it pass you. But I dont want to let it pass. And I would have to try my best to cling on the tail of some bird, just in case.......
There goes today, slowly fade away
Here comes today, never fade away
Monday, December 31, 2007
Two Brothers & An Office
So, I kinda had it planned for today. I told Navin sir that I didnt want to come anymore. He kinda knew it was coming, so he was pretty ok with it, and just said that he might call me if I was needed for work I had done. So, its not really an official goodbye. I think that would be when I get my papers signed in February. It wasnt really difficult to part with the office now, but last year at some time I thought about this day and I thought that would I certainly cry leaving this office. But I guess nothing dramatic really happened. I think I still have to say my sincere thank you's to them, which I would when I get my papers signed.
Navin Sir and Shyam Sir, two brothers running a small CA firm. Almost three years ago, I walked in this office for the first time with my elder cousin, who had done part of his training from there. It was 12th Feb, 2005 and a saturday, and they didnt even take my interview and asked me to come from monday. And monday was 14th Feb!! But I had nothing to do, so I came anyway. I was just looking for a hideout, and this was such a perfect hideout. I was just a pretty unconfident little kid when I started out. So I didnt wanna go to a big firm, cos I felt and still feel that I got no dressing sense, and I just wanted a small non fussy place. Had some great times there, frowned a lot too, fought a couple of times too, never backed down, learnt to be a rebel, and became confident of my work atleast. I am excellent at accounts, and just cos I worked in a small firm, doesnt take that away from me.
Navin Sir was the younger of the two brothers. He was the one wo handled getting all the work done in the office, handling the staff etc. So its only natural that I was closer to him than Shyam Sir. The Navin Sir I met when I started out my training was completely different from the one today. And I believe that me and Rajiv had a lot to do with the change in his whole attitude. He was so used to doing all the important work by himself, and afraid of handing it out to the staff. But I made through his defenses, and that I consider a wonderful achievement. I would say, he's got a lot in common with me, just that he doesnt have a speck of ego, and I have tons. So many times I would barge in, and point out his mistakes, and he would accept it all graciously, and acknowledge me. I always wondered how he did it.
An incident I clearly remember during my second week of training was when I went with Navin Sir to Panipat for a bank audit. And during the whole two hours bus ride, he hardly said a thing, just gave a audit manual to read. And at the bank, at around 4, when I finished my work, I hovered around his table like a little kid, while he was busy with his work, and he finally looked up at me, and he kinda understood the question on my face, and said that we would be leaving soon. I was just a little kid when I started out.
The other brother, I had tons of problems with. I had two major fights with him. At one of the occasions I threatened to quit, but didnt cos I had spent a whole year getting used to this place, and I wasnt just chuck it all away. He never liked me since then. Cos I called a spade a spade. He had this habit of discussing his ideas with some of the staff. He would make me and rajiv sit in front of them, and pop up his silly ideas. While Rajiv was all diplomatic, I would straight away shake my head and say - It wont work!! Just loved to irritate him. And then he would ignore me and discuss his plans with Rajiv. Whatever!! But other than that he never really bugged me as such, and so it was pretty ok.
They were pretty good people, and they gave me enough vacation for my exams, and were always cooperative, and never did anything bad to me. So that way, I guess it was pretty nice. Both of them had this weird accent and lingo that all of us just loved to imitate. And they were pretty stingy, but all bosses are that way I guess. So why was it that I wanted to leave. Not cos of them, maybe I just needed 17 days before my result came to think about where I am heading. It was all going so fast, and I needed to slow down things.
It was my first office, and I would always have wonderful memories of that place, especially the first half of it, with Dheeraj, my rebel guru and rajiv being there. With my home being dramatic those days, I never wanted to leave office, and Dheeraj used to make our stomachs hurt with all his comic stuff. And we wud close the upstairs office, and put on our headphones, and tell each other which song was playing on which station. And keep standing at the bus stop for an hour, waiting for an empty bus. Running off from audits at 2pm, and making silly excuses if we got caught. But then we even stayed till late when there was work at the end times. But now all the staff has changed, there is no dheeraj, no rajiv, and hence I just dont feel at home there anymore.
Rajiv said that since we worked in a small firm, we would be at a disadvantage when we go for interviews after we become CA. I kinda agree, but to be honest I dont really care. I had loads of fun there. As I always say - its better to be the king of small empire than be a slave in a huge empire. And we were kings during our training and I am proud of that. We worked on our terms, and never backed off. And these are traits that are more valuable than some big client names on the CV. So, sure I didnt do any big audits, but how many articles get to teach their CA's something during their training?? It was a perfect hideout, lets just see where we get to after this.
Navin Sir and Shyam Sir, two brothers running a small CA firm. Almost three years ago, I walked in this office for the first time with my elder cousin, who had done part of his training from there. It was 12th Feb, 2005 and a saturday, and they didnt even take my interview and asked me to come from monday. And monday was 14th Feb!! But I had nothing to do, so I came anyway. I was just looking for a hideout, and this was such a perfect hideout. I was just a pretty unconfident little kid when I started out. So I didnt wanna go to a big firm, cos I felt and still feel that I got no dressing sense, and I just wanted a small non fussy place. Had some great times there, frowned a lot too, fought a couple of times too, never backed down, learnt to be a rebel, and became confident of my work atleast. I am excellent at accounts, and just cos I worked in a small firm, doesnt take that away from me.
Navin Sir was the younger of the two brothers. He was the one wo handled getting all the work done in the office, handling the staff etc. So its only natural that I was closer to him than Shyam Sir. The Navin Sir I met when I started out my training was completely different from the one today. And I believe that me and Rajiv had a lot to do with the change in his whole attitude. He was so used to doing all the important work by himself, and afraid of handing it out to the staff. But I made through his defenses, and that I consider a wonderful achievement. I would say, he's got a lot in common with me, just that he doesnt have a speck of ego, and I have tons. So many times I would barge in, and point out his mistakes, and he would accept it all graciously, and acknowledge me. I always wondered how he did it.
An incident I clearly remember during my second week of training was when I went with Navin Sir to Panipat for a bank audit. And during the whole two hours bus ride, he hardly said a thing, just gave a audit manual to read. And at the bank, at around 4, when I finished my work, I hovered around his table like a little kid, while he was busy with his work, and he finally looked up at me, and he kinda understood the question on my face, and said that we would be leaving soon. I was just a little kid when I started out.
The other brother, I had tons of problems with. I had two major fights with him. At one of the occasions I threatened to quit, but didnt cos I had spent a whole year getting used to this place, and I wasnt just chuck it all away. He never liked me since then. Cos I called a spade a spade. He had this habit of discussing his ideas with some of the staff. He would make me and rajiv sit in front of them, and pop up his silly ideas. While Rajiv was all diplomatic, I would straight away shake my head and say - It wont work!! Just loved to irritate him. And then he would ignore me and discuss his plans with Rajiv. Whatever!! But other than that he never really bugged me as such, and so it was pretty ok.
They were pretty good people, and they gave me enough vacation for my exams, and were always cooperative, and never did anything bad to me. So that way, I guess it was pretty nice. Both of them had this weird accent and lingo that all of us just loved to imitate. And they were pretty stingy, but all bosses are that way I guess. So why was it that I wanted to leave. Not cos of them, maybe I just needed 17 days before my result came to think about where I am heading. It was all going so fast, and I needed to slow down things.
It was my first office, and I would always have wonderful memories of that place, especially the first half of it, with Dheeraj, my rebel guru and rajiv being there. With my home being dramatic those days, I never wanted to leave office, and Dheeraj used to make our stomachs hurt with all his comic stuff. And we wud close the upstairs office, and put on our headphones, and tell each other which song was playing on which station. And keep standing at the bus stop for an hour, waiting for an empty bus. Running off from audits at 2pm, and making silly excuses if we got caught. But then we even stayed till late when there was work at the end times. But now all the staff has changed, there is no dheeraj, no rajiv, and hence I just dont feel at home there anymore.
Rajiv said that since we worked in a small firm, we would be at a disadvantage when we go for interviews after we become CA. I kinda agree, but to be honest I dont really care. I had loads of fun there. As I always say - its better to be the king of small empire than be a slave in a huge empire. And we were kings during our training and I am proud of that. We worked on our terms, and never backed off. And these are traits that are more valuable than some big client names on the CV. So, sure I didnt do any big audits, but how many articles get to teach their CA's something during their training?? It was a perfect hideout, lets just see where we get to after this.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Book Review : They Are All Around Us
(by Ray Chavez)
Firstly, I couldnt even find the picture of the cover of this book online. And there was only one page that came out of all my searches that mentioned this book. So I am guessing not many would have read this. And I had to take the picture of the cover myself. I bought this book from the second hand book market in Daryaganj, mainly cos the words of the back seemed like my friend Avi was saying them aloud - "She had seen them...Thet were here, all around us. Their Plan was simple, but nobody would believe it." So I decided to find out what it was about. Plus it was only 220 pages.
So what is this book about. It's a strange book really. I have mixed feelings about it. The first chapter is pretty good, and you sense like some really amazing plot is headed your way. But then, it seems to fall away and you feel you are watching some B-Grade sci-fi movie about aliens. So the plot goes like this - old woman with a grand daughter, who is hearing weird noises and seeing weird things at night. Some kind of strange activity going on "ACROSS THE STREET". Grand daughter wont believe, thinks her Gramps has lost it. Drives over to boyfriend's house at night to tell him this. And oh yeah, in between all this, the world is seemingly heading towards anarchy. And fighting going on and possible nuclear war looming large. All this makes Ramona (grand-daughter) sad!! Awwww. So she goes over to bf's and they have a strange talk!! They talk about where the world is heading too!! Girl!! Your Granny is sick at home. Finally she leaves, but they encounters a mob attacking a cop, and she tries to save the cop. And then more police arrives, and some of the dialogue here is just outta this world. Anyhow, so finally she reaches home, and what happens after that is just outta this world too.
Lets see, I am still a bit confused but, it like this - Stairs Open!! And then she goes beneath her home, and then finds herself in corridors made by aliens, and finally in a Alien Conference Room!!! And all the aliens are in human bodies, so she gets a seat too. Their names are simple like U-1972, and the Y-X leader, and U-1037 and so on. And they are making PLANS to destroy all of mankind and that too without any weapons (some treaty). So she somehow escapes, and then returns back with her bf to show him all this. I Knew from the start that that scum was an alien!!! Anyhow, you folks wont discover that till late. So that is where the fun starts, they start telling the whole world that there are aliens amongst us. OOOOOOOOOO. What wud you say - Lady Go Home!! Exactly, so the next many pages, they are doing this publicity by various ways involving A.Distributing Pamphlets at red lights, B.Taking over a radio station, which seemingly is easily accessible, and so on. Finally the cops take them in. And guess what!! The Cops are aliens too!! And then comes the final shock!! Her best friend, her boy friend - Bernand, is an alien too. And in the end she dies after a scuffle with some aliens. And oh yeah, there is a mexican reporter in whose ARMS she dies. Dont look at me, I didnt write that. I am still confused too!! Was the reporter an alien too?? Beats me, if I could only get the email of this author. But its a book published in 1980.
So this is a book for the collection!! It had promise. I think the story I saw after the first chapter had lots of potential. But the whole aliens everywhere mess, got to me too. Its a simple story nevertheless, and could happen to anyone really. People wouldnt believe you too, if you saw aliens talking about destruction of planet earth. The funny part is, in the first chapter, there are atleast 3 characters who are named which have no further role - Jimmy, a football player who gets injured, Mary & Madge, discussing about bad cable reception. What was that all about, wasnt Jimmy suppose to do alien bashing??
Anyhow, part of this book can be seen in movies or other literature. THEY LIVE! a 1988 movie, is on somewhat the similar premise, and I am sure there are many more other movies which deal with this complicated subject in detail about how the aliens are taking over our jobs. And in the last words of Ramona - "To hate.... is...n.. not....to....love". Hey considering I am a crappy writer too, I think this is exactly the kind of stuff I am capable of producing too. So I give it 2 out of 5, for simply the laughs it provided.
Firstly, I couldnt even find the picture of the cover of this book online. And there was only one page that came out of all my searches that mentioned this book. So I am guessing not many would have read this. And I had to take the picture of the cover myself. I bought this book from the second hand book market in Daryaganj, mainly cos the words of the back seemed like my friend Avi was saying them aloud - "She had seen them...Thet were here, all around us. Their Plan was simple, but nobody would believe it." So I decided to find out what it was about. Plus it was only 220 pages.
So what is this book about. It's a strange book really. I have mixed feelings about it. The first chapter is pretty good, and you sense like some really amazing plot is headed your way. But then, it seems to fall away and you feel you are watching some B-Grade sci-fi movie about aliens. So the plot goes like this - old woman with a grand daughter, who is hearing weird noises and seeing weird things at night. Some kind of strange activity going on "ACROSS THE STREET". Grand daughter wont believe, thinks her Gramps has lost it. Drives over to boyfriend's house at night to tell him this. And oh yeah, in between all this, the world is seemingly heading towards anarchy. And fighting going on and possible nuclear war looming large. All this makes Ramona (grand-daughter) sad!! Awwww. So she goes over to bf's and they have a strange talk!! They talk about where the world is heading too!! Girl!! Your Granny is sick at home. Finally she leaves, but they encounters a mob attacking a cop, and she tries to save the cop. And then more police arrives, and some of the dialogue here is just outta this world. Anyhow, so finally she reaches home, and what happens after that is just outta this world too.
Lets see, I am still a bit confused but, it like this - Stairs Open!! And then she goes beneath her home, and then finds herself in corridors made by aliens, and finally in a Alien Conference Room!!! And all the aliens are in human bodies, so she gets a seat too. Their names are simple like U-1972, and the Y-X leader, and U-1037 and so on. And they are making PLANS to destroy all of mankind and that too without any weapons (some treaty). So she somehow escapes, and then returns back with her bf to show him all this. I Knew from the start that that scum was an alien!!! Anyhow, you folks wont discover that till late. So that is where the fun starts, they start telling the whole world that there are aliens amongst us. OOOOOOOOOO. What wud you say - Lady Go Home!! Exactly, so the next many pages, they are doing this publicity by various ways involving A.Distributing Pamphlets at red lights, B.Taking over a radio station, which seemingly is easily accessible, and so on. Finally the cops take them in. And guess what!! The Cops are aliens too!! And then comes the final shock!! Her best friend, her boy friend - Bernand, is an alien too. And in the end she dies after a scuffle with some aliens. And oh yeah, there is a mexican reporter in whose ARMS she dies. Dont look at me, I didnt write that. I am still confused too!! Was the reporter an alien too?? Beats me, if I could only get the email of this author. But its a book published in 1980.
So this is a book for the collection!! It had promise. I think the story I saw after the first chapter had lots of potential. But the whole aliens everywhere mess, got to me too. Its a simple story nevertheless, and could happen to anyone really. People wouldnt believe you too, if you saw aliens talking about destruction of planet earth. The funny part is, in the first chapter, there are atleast 3 characters who are named which have no further role - Jimmy, a football player who gets injured, Mary & Madge, discussing about bad cable reception. What was that all about, wasnt Jimmy suppose to do alien bashing??
Anyhow, part of this book can be seen in movies or other literature. THEY LIVE! a 1988 movie, is on somewhat the similar premise, and I am sure there are many more other movies which deal with this complicated subject in detail about how the aliens are taking over our jobs. And in the last words of Ramona - "To hate.... is...n.. not....to....love". Hey considering I am a crappy writer too, I think this is exactly the kind of stuff I am capable of producing too. So I give it 2 out of 5, for simply the laughs it provided.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Sinking in Music
A song is like this wave, and each wave is of different size, different taste, and hits you in a different way. For me songs take time to sink in. Some sink in earlier than others. Some never sink I guess.
It's this sad energyless aura here. It's ok, I like this aura. It's probably the 50th time I have played this song - Look What You've Done by Bread. It's not that great a song. But its kinda sad but not emotional sad, just kinda sad. I like the guitar in the start of the song. It's good. And the voice is sad but steady. David Gates I think. He's got a good voice for these kind of songs. All their songs are kinda based on love, except Guitar Man. "There is someone you ought to meet, its me Mr.Incomplete, look at what I've become". Yeah right. But not the reasons cited in the song. In the middle the song becomes loud, somewhat loud, I didnt like it the first time I heard it. And I deleted the song. But I was just singing it this morning, and I knew I had to give it another chance. And now I think that part has its own purpose, and I like it too. Wish I could play the guitar like this song, ting ting ting ting ting :(
There was another song by the same name by Jet. I didnt like that song the first few lines I heard. Usually I decide by that and I don't go on till the end. Which is a bad thing to do ofcourse. Like I totally rejected - Find the River, when I first heard the first two lines. But I reheard it a few weeks later, to find that it was right up there with my top favourite ever. So, the conclusion is, don't be judgemental. About people, about things, about life, about everything.
Talking to your ownself is like having a best friend and a real bad enemy at the same time. But I like it that way. Like those cartoons, where an angel and devil reside on the shoulders. And the devil would poke away the angel. And make you do bad things. He he. I guess that happens to everyone. The devil has his own purpose, and its not for us to drive him away, just keep him under check. What do I wanna write about? What am I writing!! I don't know...........Ahh lets sleep.....
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The Land of the Undead
Wikipedia defines undead as a collective name for mythological beings that are deceased yet behave as if alive. I hereby declare that I have officially turned undead.
It's been terribly hard to drag myself up for anything for the past few days (maybe past few months, possibly past few years). I was suppose to submit this document by the 30th of November, the non-submission of which would render my exam-result useless. But I even had no regard for that, and somehow managed to drag myself today to submit it. The lady on the counter informed me that I was 6 days late. I told her to take it anyway, and told her I was sick so I cud'nt be here earlier. Pathetic. Anyway, so this shows my complete disregard for any kind of consequences of my current actions on my future life. I think I turned crazy.
Someone from my office called me up and asked me where I was, and the only thing I could say was - Right now, I am nowhere!! I told them I have viral fever, and I am not going to come for a few days. I am just finding terribly hard to drag myself to office, and do some stupid work there. So when will I decide that my viral is over? I don't know, lets say till monday atleast. But the fact remains that I have been extremely lethargic and dead.
Everybody seems to know what they want from life, and where they are going in life, or what they think they are doing. I don't seem to know any of this. It's a completely purposeless life. There is no sense of direction, there is no sense of destination, and there is not even a sense of existence. I think I have gone crazy. I am unable to commune with normal people. What should I talk to normal people about? There is nothing to say at all.
I see these three guys in the institute wearing striped shirt and ties and shoes, talking boisterously, like all corporate employees probably do. One of them sports a goatee. Would you want a goatee? Noooo! Do you like to wear ties? Naahh I hate ties. What about striped shirts? I wouldnt look good in them. What about shoes? I havent wore shoes for almost an year now, and when I did a couple of weeks back, the back of the ankle was bleeding. So, how am I possibly going to get a good job. I don't know. It's such a stupid world anyhow, and why do I have to be part of this stupid world. Why isnt the darwin's theory working on me, lighting should have struck me by now!! Don't know how God works anyhow.
I am probably one of the hardest persons to meet. There are school friends who got annoyed by me, cos they thought I was specifically avoiding them. I wasnt really. Thats just me. I don't go out much. Its like dragging your body out. Why would you wanna meet me? What would I possibly have to tell you that could interest you and what could you possibly tell me that could interest me? And since I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, it becomes all the more painful, to drag myself to the bus stand. Sheeesh, they probably think I am a crazy studious kid. Yeah, I know thats my image, I am at home studying. Yeah sure, I can't explain and you will not understand. But who cares anymore, I am slowly learning the art of saying NO. NO! NO! NO! I refuse to go to places that make me feel stupid. I refuse to go any kind of family functions, birthday parties and stuff like that. I refuse to be a part of this world. They say refusal always results in choas, and we should accept things to be at ease. But I am somehow finding that very difficult.
These places and people make me feel uneasy. I would'nt want to tell them my crap, and so it turns out to be such a silent exercise, of watching people joke, laugh and stuff like that. Yeah, sure so why do we want me to watch this nonsense, when I could stay home and listen to music and stare at the ceiling. Thats probably better. Atleast I am not jealous of the ceiling!! I think I turned crazy. And the fact is that, I am literally undead. I have closed behind me all kind of social doors one by one. And I smell rebellion inside me. But a new place is new only for a week. Am I ready to take on this world? No!! I am not!! So what do you see then, nothing... zip... blank.... nothing. There is no commitment for anything at all.
People want to achieve a lot of things in life. They set goals for themselves. Some of us just want to achieve life I guess. To make some meaning out of this life. When you refuse to lie and the truth is not worth telling, then what do you get? You get a crazy person like me!!! Emide said I was an observer, but what good is an observer? It's not like you are doing something, is it. It's not like you are involved in something. You are just hanging around, watching the world go by. You know I fixed some deadlines last year, I was suppose to be somewhere by this year. And nothing has changed. I am going to be 24, I don't feel 24, I need some time. If you are going to be a rebel, atleast stand up to yourself, so that when you look in the mirror, you can see yourself, and not someone else.......
It's been terribly hard to drag myself up for anything for the past few days (maybe past few months, possibly past few years). I was suppose to submit this document by the 30th of November, the non-submission of which would render my exam-result useless. But I even had no regard for that, and somehow managed to drag myself today to submit it. The lady on the counter informed me that I was 6 days late. I told her to take it anyway, and told her I was sick so I cud'nt be here earlier. Pathetic. Anyway, so this shows my complete disregard for any kind of consequences of my current actions on my future life. I think I turned crazy.
Someone from my office called me up and asked me where I was, and the only thing I could say was - Right now, I am nowhere!! I told them I have viral fever, and I am not going to come for a few days. I am just finding terribly hard to drag myself to office, and do some stupid work there. So when will I decide that my viral is over? I don't know, lets say till monday atleast. But the fact remains that I have been extremely lethargic and dead.
Everybody seems to know what they want from life, and where they are going in life, or what they think they are doing. I don't seem to know any of this. It's a completely purposeless life. There is no sense of direction, there is no sense of destination, and there is not even a sense of existence. I think I have gone crazy. I am unable to commune with normal people. What should I talk to normal people about? There is nothing to say at all.
I see these three guys in the institute wearing striped shirt and ties and shoes, talking boisterously, like all corporate employees probably do. One of them sports a goatee. Would you want a goatee? Noooo! Do you like to wear ties? Naahh I hate ties. What about striped shirts? I wouldnt look good in them. What about shoes? I havent wore shoes for almost an year now, and when I did a couple of weeks back, the back of the ankle was bleeding. So, how am I possibly going to get a good job. I don't know. It's such a stupid world anyhow, and why do I have to be part of this stupid world. Why isnt the darwin's theory working on me, lighting should have struck me by now!! Don't know how God works anyhow.
I am probably one of the hardest persons to meet. There are school friends who got annoyed by me, cos they thought I was specifically avoiding them. I wasnt really. Thats just me. I don't go out much. Its like dragging your body out. Why would you wanna meet me? What would I possibly have to tell you that could interest you and what could you possibly tell me that could interest me? And since I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, it becomes all the more painful, to drag myself to the bus stand. Sheeesh, they probably think I am a crazy studious kid. Yeah, I know thats my image, I am at home studying. Yeah sure, I can't explain and you will not understand. But who cares anymore, I am slowly learning the art of saying NO. NO! NO! NO! I refuse to go to places that make me feel stupid. I refuse to go any kind of family functions, birthday parties and stuff like that. I refuse to be a part of this world. They say refusal always results in choas, and we should accept things to be at ease. But I am somehow finding that very difficult.
These places and people make me feel uneasy. I would'nt want to tell them my crap, and so it turns out to be such a silent exercise, of watching people joke, laugh and stuff like that. Yeah, sure so why do we want me to watch this nonsense, when I could stay home and listen to music and stare at the ceiling. Thats probably better. Atleast I am not jealous of the ceiling!! I think I turned crazy. And the fact is that, I am literally undead. I have closed behind me all kind of social doors one by one. And I smell rebellion inside me. But a new place is new only for a week. Am I ready to take on this world? No!! I am not!! So what do you see then, nothing... zip... blank.... nothing. There is no commitment for anything at all.
People want to achieve a lot of things in life. They set goals for themselves. Some of us just want to achieve life I guess. To make some meaning out of this life. When you refuse to lie and the truth is not worth telling, then what do you get? You get a crazy person like me!!! Emide said I was an observer, but what good is an observer? It's not like you are doing something, is it. It's not like you are involved in something. You are just hanging around, watching the world go by. You know I fixed some deadlines last year, I was suppose to be somewhere by this year. And nothing has changed. I am going to be 24, I don't feel 24, I need some time. If you are going to be a rebel, atleast stand up to yourself, so that when you look in the mirror, you can see yourself, and not someone else.......
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