Its been more than a year since I last heard this song. It has some memories too. This was the first Keane song that I really liked (apart from Bedshaped maybe). And I remember talking to Avi about it. I told her how I didn't really understand what he was saying and I made up the lyrics to sing it up. She admitted she did the same. That was the winter of 2006-07.
Years have gone by. I lost myself along the way. Made some crazy decisions, got them all wrong. And then pushed myself in a corner so that I wasn't in control of my life anymore. On how many days of your life, do you choose your career and spouse both on the same day?
The sun helps me to think better. As night draws in, my mind wanders, and I go into these crazy bouts. These days I have these flashing images of the past again. Its funny its the same time of the year, last year, that I was having these flashes. Do things have these cyclical patterns? Such random memories, such random people, such random days, pop in at any time. When I wake up, when I am walking up to my dreaded office, when I am playing warcraft.
I checked, I actually do have almost most of those chat memories saved. Funny. I was such a kid then. I couldn't read most of it. It didn't make sense. Was I pretending? Was that me? Was I creative, innovate, brimming with original ideas, or was I trying to woo a girl? I miss her as a friends a lot of times. The one person in the whole world that sort of got me. Whatever, its been like more than a year.
We all have illusions and delusions and they are all empty! --- Rodney A from Yahoo Answers...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Sleepwalking through life
I can't find a title... no song titles, no Warcraft achievements, no quotes....
Listening to Northern Sky. It's such a nice song.
Tomorrow is sort of a big day. Not that big really. I have this interview tomorrow for a job that could get me out of a lot of mess. Hope it doesn't get me into more mess. I am nervous about it, and as a matter of fact nervous/excited about something after quite some time. I have given lots of interviews recently. Sleepwalked most of them, saying absurd things.
I have been sleepwalking through life lately, without a real meaning in life. There was no meaning earlier as well, but I wasn't so aware of it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Wake up each morning, struggle to get up and get ready. Sleep through to office. Somehow manage through each day, attempting to not do anything, just trying to get another day out of the way. Come back home, eat food, spend some time with Tromp and Klix, and sleep... hoping that tomorrow doesn't come. Rinse and repeat for 4 days, and on the 5th, forget about everything, and hope that this night doesn't end.
I can't see anything down this road to be honest. I can't see down any road for that matter. Having finally acknowledged that I am going through severe depression, I have just turned to anti-establishment. Life can be such a lonely affair, and in the end you are responsible for the life you live in. And no one owes you anything in life, those things that you thought were yours. And try explaining yourself to someone, no one has the energy or time. When you see the world through this unengaged lens, nothing makes sense. Why should I do it all?
But tomorrow I try to get that job, just to get out of this one. How does it help? Well for one, I just can't be put to line here, I am either going to be fired, or be a pain for everyone. It's just gone out of control. A new job, a new vision, a better field, a better company, a more respectful job, better salary. Downside is that its a job again, and that too among pricks, they could be terrible, selfish type A people. And worst the job requires to wear a tie. A promised myself once that I could never work in a place that requires to wear a tie. A tie!! Can you imagine, as if having my body & soul trapped in a cubicle wasn't enough, you need to have my throat constricted as well.
But so many promises have been broken. So many dreams have been lost. I am not sane right at this moment. But when my Sane half wakes up again, he will chide me for thinking like this. He will tell me - BE PRACTICAL U IDIOT. You have ruined your career, your family hates you, you have no friends, your co-workers laugh on you, and you still want to indulge in this crazy talk? Look what you have become, stop playing world of warcraft. Pay attention to where your life is going. You are 27, life has come and gone by.
He's right too, you know. I have horrible nights in the last few months. I have woke up in the middle of the night, unable to understand how it is that I reached here. And unable to find energy for staying awake. It's like Dante's opening lines. That tomorrow is a wonderful opportunity to fix it all. Please make it work out. And maybe some of my bitterness will sweeten. I am so scared of wishing for things now too. How can I be sure that what I am wishing for is the best for me? But I really don't have any more patience left. I really don't want to work in that place for another day.
No lyrics today... not enough time to find a line.... If I dont write by this weekend, I guess its another painful journey for the next few months.
Listening to Northern Sky. It's such a nice song.
Tomorrow is sort of a big day. Not that big really. I have this interview tomorrow for a job that could get me out of a lot of mess. Hope it doesn't get me into more mess. I am nervous about it, and as a matter of fact nervous/excited about something after quite some time. I have given lots of interviews recently. Sleepwalked most of them, saying absurd things.
I have been sleepwalking through life lately, without a real meaning in life. There was no meaning earlier as well, but I wasn't so aware of it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Wake up each morning, struggle to get up and get ready. Sleep through to office. Somehow manage through each day, attempting to not do anything, just trying to get another day out of the way. Come back home, eat food, spend some time with Tromp and Klix, and sleep... hoping that tomorrow doesn't come. Rinse and repeat for 4 days, and on the 5th, forget about everything, and hope that this night doesn't end.
I can't see anything down this road to be honest. I can't see down any road for that matter. Having finally acknowledged that I am going through severe depression, I have just turned to anti-establishment. Life can be such a lonely affair, and in the end you are responsible for the life you live in. And no one owes you anything in life, those things that you thought were yours. And try explaining yourself to someone, no one has the energy or time. When you see the world through this unengaged lens, nothing makes sense. Why should I do it all?
But tomorrow I try to get that job, just to get out of this one. How does it help? Well for one, I just can't be put to line here, I am either going to be fired, or be a pain for everyone. It's just gone out of control. A new job, a new vision, a better field, a better company, a more respectful job, better salary. Downside is that its a job again, and that too among pricks, they could be terrible, selfish type A people. And worst the job requires to wear a tie. A promised myself once that I could never work in a place that requires to wear a tie. A tie!! Can you imagine, as if having my body & soul trapped in a cubicle wasn't enough, you need to have my throat constricted as well.
But so many promises have been broken. So many dreams have been lost. I am not sane right at this moment. But when my Sane half wakes up again, he will chide me for thinking like this. He will tell me - BE PRACTICAL U IDIOT. You have ruined your career, your family hates you, you have no friends, your co-workers laugh on you, and you still want to indulge in this crazy talk? Look what you have become, stop playing world of warcraft. Pay attention to where your life is going. You are 27, life has come and gone by.
He's right too, you know. I have horrible nights in the last few months. I have woke up in the middle of the night, unable to understand how it is that I reached here. And unable to find energy for staying awake. It's like Dante's opening lines. That tomorrow is a wonderful opportunity to fix it all. Please make it work out. And maybe some of my bitterness will sweeten. I am so scared of wishing for things now too. How can I be sure that what I am wishing for is the best for me? But I really don't have any more patience left. I really don't want to work in that place for another day.
No lyrics today... not enough time to find a line.... If I dont write by this weekend, I guess its another painful journey for the next few months.
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