Crossroads

I told a friend once that we all have a crossroad moment in our life. Maybe we have more than one, but there is this one really big crossroad that you just can't miss. And you have total control over the steering of the car, when you reach this one. Maybe the earlier ones, someone else was driving the car, and you wanted to turn left or right or straight, and then you blame them for taking the wrong turn. They believed in those turns, and would you want to spend your remaining life trying to reach those lost turns or move forward and find a crossroad that you have control over.

I just think I am about to reach my crossroad. It's very near. I am really scared to be honest. I am really scared of taking decisions. I would kill myself alive, if something went wrong cos of my decision. But this one is all mine. There are two basic paths. One leads me back to where I am, where I have been for the major part of this decade. And another one, leads me into the unknown.

I have just been stuck here for ever it seems. I wanna go off for an adventure, and discover life. I wanna say goodbye's. I wanna be missed. I wanna miss people. I wanna find out what relations mean to me really. I wanna learn to respect people. I wanna learn how to deal with life. I wanna learn a lot of things that I have missed out in life. And that doesnt mean a guitar or a taekwando lessons, those would be unfulfilled dreams. What I really want to learn first is all of those basic things about life that I fail to deal with. I wanna discover who I am, and find out if life works for me too.

If I choose to go into the unknown, I wouldn't have a clue abt anything. I wouldn't have my room to retreat to when I have had a horrible day. I wouldn't have parents to take granted for. I wouldn't have my little lemon tree. I wouldn't have a protective cover over me. I have always been the little kiddo of the family. My mom doesn't believe I can survive on my own. I don't know if I can too either.

But if I never try to find out, then wouldn't it become like one of those guitar or taekwando dreams? I will just rot in one of those sullen dreams. Maybe I will fail, but so what? Atleast I would have tried. Atleast I would have had chased a dream for once, rather than just dreaming it. I wish for simple things to go right, and to achieve simple objectives. Nothing fancy. I need to find my soul, I wanna feel things. I don't really know what I enjoy doing. I am not capable of being in love right now. It's just one life, isnt it. And we make it so complicated with what the world wants out of us. And trying to make ourselves suit the world's need. I haven't asked myself for years now, years I can't remember, what I really wanted. What everyone wants is what I wanted. I want to want something for once. Not just wishing for a wish.

I really want to thank avi, for not giving up on me that week in april, and sorry for being so jealous. It was such an easy thing to give up on me then. I wanna thank you for making 2007 a year I would remember forever. I wanna thank you for helping me clear CA, I know sounds weird, but trust me, I would have gone mad if I didnt have you to talk to. I figured it out that day, it wasn't about losing a friend, it was about losing an ally. An ally, who knows the fears I am dealing with. I guess you had a big influence on me and my life. And now I am preparing to jump off the ledge and find my wings.

So I have packed up all the music that I would require to keep afloat. Goo Goo Dolls it is now. I think this is probably the band after Keane, that I have instantly liked so many songs of. We would need it all to keep in touch with myself. And well lets just how it goes, I hope to bring back many stories. Its an adventure after all. And the only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind........

So, adios, for those rare readers that actually come across here.....