Each year gone past....

Normally I hate to read what I have written. It sounds so melodramatic and over the top at times. But I just tried to read what I had written a few years back. I think I have definitely improved my writing style. I wish someone would confirm that. But then no one really reads this blog anyhow.

Whatever!

Steps in sand is reminded to be my this. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. Avi didn't believe that. She said that we have to remove the signs of our steps. I didn't believe that. I think if we ever go back, we'd be curious to find our steps, and if we ever by chance run across some forgotten steps, then it would be like serendipity. And we can sit there and stare at them. But then what fun would that be? What would that accomplish? But then what would anything accomplish. I realize the vanity and futility of it all each day.

I haven't had a crazy soul talk with anybody for months now. No one would understand it even if I tried. I sometimes wonder what really happened. I get no answers. But then yeah if I was 22, then the mere thought of NO ANSWER would have killed me day and night. Now it just doesn't anymore. I am ok.

Change is constant. We might be in awe or fascinated by a person or say his ideas. But that person is not constant. He or she is continously changing too. So its fair to say that we are fascinated by that time. And envious time does not hold back for anyone. So if we try harder then we end up ruining that time as well. Maybe I will get an answer some day, but I wouldn't bet on it. And I know the answer really. It's like - get a life dude!

So, I was watching Wall-E this morning. Just the ending 20 minutes or so. That was exactly my idea of love. Somehow that idea of real true love never seems to be quite real. A love which is not really physical, but love for the sake of love. I realized lately that I am scared of sex. And love for me was something different. It was like this feeling for true kinda love, that I just can't explain. I guess I always thought that I would be in love one day, that true kinda love, that just you understand, which is so beyond that physical kinda love. But then over the years now, the in your face real world has just shelled me too much. And then I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, and I just realize that I won't get that love really. I probably least deserve it either. Anyhow, its just some crazy idea that I can't even explain.

I am supposed to be working right now. But my eyes are really tired. I wanna say something but its mostly unexplainable. And thats why I am blogging here right now in the morning. Its crossroads all over again. And I am 26 now. 24 was better. 22 I was a kid. And 26 now I feel too old.

Tell me its all gonna be ok and I am gonna say its not.....