An empty life...

I always wonder why I never had any happy pictures to put on facebook or orkut.....


I think I am reaching the end of my life very soon.....

Ghosts of the winter

I asked for punishment, and I got it....

I really understood the phrase - "The dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had"

I could ask for anything these days and I would see it walk into my life, and watch myself helplessly unable to take it. Too feeble, too guilty, too tired, too unworthy. I don't know if anyone has ever had this in their life. God would say - Now don't ever let me catch you say that I never gave you a chance to mend your life. I gave you one after another this winter!

I don't know if I will survive this winter. I have had visions of me jumping off Tower B. I don't think anyone would survive that fall.

What I wake up each morning, is dreading each day. Messing up things even further. Confused, lost, alone. The real world is so hard to live with. I was lost in my own world for so many years, and now when I can't hide anymore, I am not ready for anything. Too scared to take up anything. Going over his decisions over and over again, without any real solutions. Breaking promises. Breaking hearts. Destroying credibility.

I was lost all my life, but right now, I am just beyond lost. I am stranded on a crowded street, with things running over me. My head will just burst. (Listen to the guitar finish on the The Bitter Half of Me)

See me standing frustrated
See me standing reject
Just a shadow with no name

I am crying because this isn't who I am. This isn't who I was an year back. This year killed me. I killed myself. It won't ever be the same. Life has lost all its meaning. Not that it had any earlier, but there was always hope. But now there is none. I realize that I failed my life. It's a terrible burden to live with. Nothing will ever make it right. The winter of 2004 was a terrible realization too, but there was always hope then. I would find myself, and freedom. But now when I have abandoned all dreams, they don't call out to me either. It's more a shame. Guilt.

Please don't ever meet me. I don't think I can look you in the eye. I don't look myself in the eye anymore. I find it hard to stay awake these days. My mind just keeps haunting me if I am awake.

Do you still want to go to Mexico?
Run away for a year
I don't know what will happen when I get back
I don't know whether I will survive the year
I might just feel very helpless there

Do you want to go the consulting firm?
I lied to them
I don't wanna face some of those people

Do you wanna join that manufacturing co.?
It's a very very long commute
I really don't know whether I will live the pressure of that job

Do you wanna join that construction co.?
It's an unethical company to some extent
Commuting is a problem there too

Do you wanna go to Hyderabad/Bangalore for Deloitte?
I am not very sure about it
I dont know anyone there

Do you wanna stick around where you are?
I am not doing anything here and there is no future

Do you wanna get married this year or not?
I don't know....

I just don't know what I wanna do you. Please let me sleep. Please go away. Come again another day. Please let time stop. Please. Please let tomorrow never come. Please turn it all back. Please.

There and back again....

(It's funny how that is also a quest in WoW I did yesterday for Brewfest!!)

So, its a restart once more tomorrow....

The music plays....
There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.


I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.


Show me a not so messed up future, and I will show you the Achievement - "Insane in the Membrane" completed!!

A night like this come so rarely these days. I wanted to write for so many weeks, maybe months. Has it really been so long!! (First week of June).... So where were you all these days. I was actually stuck in time again. It's this disease I have, where I choose to cling to a particular set of events, which I wouldn't just let go, and my past present future all revolve around trying to recreate that event. I voice inside tells me you are going to fail miserably. More miserably now then ever.

Up and down, and in the end... its only round and round, and round....
Black and blue, and who can tell, which is which and who is who....

I think you are trying to deceive yourself when you say that there is a plan. There might be none actually. You might be just searching for another hide out. Is that it? And this time it might be even harder. At 26, not many can claim to have failed their life. I can....

So just rewind the last 1 year for me a bit. I had a job, I didn't like it cos I thought I was capable of so much more. SI wanted to marry and get settled, and so I left an opportunity to go to South America. So, I quit my job and find a job thats in the same city. I say yes to marry a girl, and then I back out, cos apparently I feel my dreams are dying (whatever they are), and I lucidly convince myself to go in search of them (not in reality), and then I decide to go back to my old company, as I think that that's where my real destiny lies. That ultra bureaucratic company takes 5 months to get be an offer, and I drag those 5 months lost in WoW, and dreaming about a past that can never again be, as all those people that were in it, have already moved on. The old company offers me a salary that is just about the same when I started out 2 and a half years ago. I am gutted, but I convince myself its not about money. I say yes for marriage again, but this time the girl says no after saying yes. My family doesn't think much of me, and I've lost all my friends, and I am not keen on socializing. I am not so keen about marriage any more. I am not so confident as I was an year back. And now tomorrow I am joining back, and my first test will be facing people who started with me, and are now earning more than me, and would laugh behind my backs and say what a fool I am.

So who are we kidding kiddo. Tell me whats it about? You don't know really. I wish I did. I am just going back because I want to. There is no real reason for it. You are just disillusioned. Maybe I didn't deserve what I got in the first place. Maybe I am just being punished. Wouldn't you punish me for all I have done. I can take that. As that becomes an act of redemption. But its not that.

The giant board flashes in FFVII - "LOVELESS".... I hope it all flashes - "SPIRITLESS", "DREAMLESS".....

I was thinking I would give over my share of happiness to which people... Certainly my parents (I've hurt them a lot), my brother (I'd also feel guilty if I was more happy than him), and to that girl who's heart I broke (I never thought I'd ever be capable of doing that)... There is no one else, I think I owe anything....

I'd always be an outsider... There is no place I belong.... There is no one who would understand... There is no one I can talk to.... All I wanted was someone to talk to....

It's funny how I didn't intend to write this post like this. I'd thought I'd pep myself with how mature I have become, and how I'd change everything around. How in a couple of years my path would be clear and I'd find what I truly deserve... All Illusions....

The end of the world draws near.... Across the stars haunts me with its inevitable tone of pending doom....

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Don't die please... I'd like to try once more... I'd really like to turn it around... I've messed it all up.... (3015 achievement points isn't bad...but AQ40 still stands.... Mwahahaha....)

In better times you could be my friend

WoW!

So I have been trying to write for a long time now, but just couldn't find time. Not that I've been busy as such. Just that I've been occupied with WoW!

Yeah I mean, I finally discovered WoW! I really wonder why I hadn't all these years. It's made for people like me I guess. But then maybe I didn't have that much money to spend all those years. Maybe I could have last year. Yeah.

WoW is a pretty good time waster. It just takes up all my time. And I am just upgrading to Wotlk, so that's why I am not playing right now. Whatever. So this is who I am really, a geek, nerd. Whatever.

Damn! I am in recline these days. I don't even see the mirror that much anymore. Don't remember my face either.

Still no sign of making it back to TCS. I feel like quitting my job every Monday. This one is where I should do it. With no job lined up, its probably a really ridiculous thing to do. But then I just wanna be ridiculous these days. I might not get back to TCS after all. I might regret all my actions over the last year. I might just break down. I think I saw black light between my eyes just now. I am having black outs?

I am screwed up royally I guess.

Quit, don't quit? Noodles, don't noodles?

TOL : What's with Kung Fu Panda anyhow! I so love that movie. It's got undeniable wisdom...

People around me won't understand me quitting. It might be a headache to find a new job. I don't want a job that required me to wear a tie. I qualify for mostly those jobs.

Why can't you be flexible like the rest of them? I dunno! I am just not elastic, and I might break trying to be so.

Are you willing to start over from the starting line, and watch people who you started with earlier, so far ahead in the race? It's a race if you think it is, and then for me it could just be a walk in the woods, enjoying the beauty of it all. It sounds so wonderful, but its going to pain you so much, to see people who deserve less than you, get much more than you.

I don't know what I deserve any more....

For now, I just hope that this download finishes today. And I get back to playing WoW tomorrow. We'll worry about the impending doom on monday later.

To Isengard, To Isengard, To Isengard
Though Isengard be ringed and barred with doors of stone....

So you think you can tell?

One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it... Master Oogway said.

It's one of those pathetic nights when I am in tears again. I shouldn't be crying for a 26 year old. I am just lost. That's all. It's not always my fault you know. I have been dissuaded from taking risks all my life. And when I finally take a few, they don't go right. Great!!!

Coming back here was such a mistake too. Damn you!

This dysfunctional family isn't all my fault you know. Please spare me this torture. I hate them all. I hate all of them. I hate everyone in this world now. I wanna leave this place once more. Why did you bargain for something less than your dreams. Now you are this worn out looser. Look at you. I just couldn't make anyone smile.

I've had more miserable times than today. Just leave me alone. You just won't get me. Ever.

Why did my laptop have to fry??? Why? Why?

Its not all my fault you know. Stop killing me....

So where were you all those years?????

I don't know.... Shit....

Zap...

And this is where I find you? No actually. I've met you along the way several times sometimes. Days like today obviously. Then you kinda forget me, and then we meet again.

I kinda feel sorry for you. I didn't realize. It's not really painful being Sudeep, cos he really doesn't feel much most of the times.

(Am I 30? Don't know why I feel 30 these days!)

How was your party when you passed out 12th? Ummmm.....

How was your graduation day? Do you have any pictures of that? Ummmm......

How did you feel when you became a CA? Ummmm......

How did you feel when you first told someone you love her? Ummmm......

How do you feel when you see your parents beaming proudly at you? Ummmmm......

How do you feel about having friends who care for you and are happy for you? Ummmm......


die!Die!DIE!

The dice rolled and it wasn't six. I didn't want six. I don't have six. I can't have six. Why do you yearn for six? But don't give me zero at least.


Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has.... How Embarrasing!

Each year gone past....

Normally I hate to read what I have written. It sounds so melodramatic and over the top at times. But I just tried to read what I had written a few years back. I think I have definitely improved my writing style. I wish someone would confirm that. But then no one really reads this blog anyhow.

Whatever!

Steps in sand is reminded to be my this. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. Avi didn't believe that. She said that we have to remove the signs of our steps. I didn't believe that. I think if we ever go back, we'd be curious to find our steps, and if we ever by chance run across some forgotten steps, then it would be like serendipity. And we can sit there and stare at them. But then what fun would that be? What would that accomplish? But then what would anything accomplish. I realize the vanity and futility of it all each day.

I haven't had a crazy soul talk with anybody for months now. No one would understand it even if I tried. I sometimes wonder what really happened. I get no answers. But then yeah if I was 22, then the mere thought of NO ANSWER would have killed me day and night. Now it just doesn't anymore. I am ok.

Change is constant. We might be in awe or fascinated by a person or say his ideas. But that person is not constant. He or she is continously changing too. So its fair to say that we are fascinated by that time. And envious time does not hold back for anyone. So if we try harder then we end up ruining that time as well. Maybe I will get an answer some day, but I wouldn't bet on it. And I know the answer really. It's like - get a life dude!

So, I was watching Wall-E this morning. Just the ending 20 minutes or so. That was exactly my idea of love. Somehow that idea of real true love never seems to be quite real. A love which is not really physical, but love for the sake of love. I realized lately that I am scared of sex. And love for me was something different. It was like this feeling for true kinda love, that I just can't explain. I guess I always thought that I would be in love one day, that true kinda love, that just you understand, which is so beyond that physical kinda love. But then over the years now, the in your face real world has just shelled me too much. And then I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, and I just realize that I won't get that love really. I probably least deserve it either. Anyhow, its just some crazy idea that I can't even explain.

I am supposed to be working right now. But my eyes are really tired. I wanna say something but its mostly unexplainable. And thats why I am blogging here right now in the morning. Its crossroads all over again. And I am 26 now. 24 was better. 22 I was a kid. And 26 now I feel too old.

Tell me its all gonna be ok and I am gonna say its not.....

The Lonely Shepherd

Luke 15:4 What man of you having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the other ninety and nine in the wilderness and go after the one which is lost, until he finds it.

Santiago sold his sheep though!

The world is too full of people. Too many people.

Would you cross the road just to not walk in the wrong way? I didn't even know there was a wrong way for walking?

The lonely shepherd sits there, searching for his sheep. The sheep just doesnt exist. He doesnt quite realise that yet. As for the ninety and nine he left in the wilderness, they are probably dead too by now. Or maybe not. Who can say that for sure?

It might be a quarterlife crisis or just a stirring in my soul....

I flipped through the contacts on my phone a hundred times. I don't see a name that I can share silence with. Silence that speaks louder than words. They say I don't speak, but then I do, they just fail to listen.

What if the shepherd eats up all the sheep? He could get hungry you know?

Either way, the sheep must die. And the shepherd must take all the blame...

Ouch!

Is it true that your whole life runs through your head when you are about to die? I have been experiencing that in the last few weeks.

Random memories flash through my head, completely unrelated, completely helpless. At work, while traveling, while eating, while watching tv, while sleeping, while waking up, while doing anything. They are just haunting me so much.

There is that horrible memory of walking through an empty road at 3am in the night with my cousin. That was a horrible night.

Then heart broken that winter. Sitting in that class, feeling a pain I had never in my life before. I thought that time wouldn't pass. And now I find it hard to recollect it at times.

Go a little forward. Staring at those empty fields in Bhutan in the morning I am leaving after 10 days of sulking. Those could have been really special 10 days. But I wasted them. Realizing that morning of how wonderful it was there.

Go back many years into a classroom. I slapped a guy and his glasses flew off. And we became friends. Why that memory?

Go back many years again. Bionic... bionic six.... Can I please go there? Lemme be there again please.

Go forward into the present just 2 years back. That wonderful day at Kovalam Beach. That was a really wonderful day. The lighthouse, the wind, the soft rain, friends.

All those memories. I am not them. They are not me. I couldn't be them. They wouldn't wanna be me. I finally deduced the exact point in time I want to return to. Its start of 1993. I wanna start from there. I am 9, and with immense hope. I am thinking I am special in life. I am gonna be someone wonderful. Not this worn down loser.

I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you

But I can never find the words to say and I don't know why
I can't find the words to say and I don't know why

Runaway Bride.....

I am not engaged any more. I finally said no this morning. Those were 2 hellish weeks.

I really recommend that arranged marriage is not for the soft hearted. It just didn't work out for me. I just couldn't imagine the rest of my life with that person. Maybe the feeling was mutual. It just felt like one big family happy making compromise. I am sorry I had to be selfish and break it off.

There was a lot of drama. There would be much more in the coming days. The girls parents would probably come down and shout at us. I think they are justified. I think I was an idiot in saying yes. But I am really relieved now.

This puts off my wedding for an year atleast. I now understand how big a commitment marriage is. And its not meant for me right now. I really hope that the girl forgets me quite quickly. And she finds someone really soon. I feel for her, but sometimes its best to be selfish, if you wanna live your life.

I was losing myself there for a time. But I am glad I finally pulled through. It just cleared my mind up a little bit too. I can now look for jobs outside Delhi. I think I ought to try just once more. Don't you think so?

Runaway Bride is an awesome movie too. People around here don't understand the fear marriage can cause. But I really vouch for it. Marriage is on hell of a thing, and you should only do it if you are 100% convinced about it.

A lot of steps back....

Steps taken forward but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide

I asked my boss at TCS if he could help me come back to TCS. I am taking a lot of steps back. Is it so hard to take steps forward?

I am having a mid life identity crisis. Wikipedia defines the characteristics as :

Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:

* search of an undefined dream or goal
* a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
* desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
* need to spend more time alone or with certain peers

I fit all of those. I need a psychiatrist for sure now.

I don't know if Manoj will be able to help me get back. He had a smirk laughter when I told him I wanted to be back. There will be a lot of those. They may not just want me back now I guess. But seriously this new office is too stressful for me.

Getting engaged....

I am finally getting engaged soon. Its not really how I imagined it would be. I have had a really horific week.

One day it was yes, the other it was not. I contemplated so much. I thought so many ways to get out of this one. I even thought about declaring that I am gay (for now atleast!). That would give me lots of years. I could just come back later and say that I lied. That would have been really rebellious, and my alter ego would have been really proud of me. I would have packed my bags and left for Chennai/Tanzania.

I have had so many discussions on this with so many people. I can't do another one now. My mom was literally crying. And my other alter ego had declared me the shallowest person on Planet Earth. And I even thought about jumping off the rooftop. But that would have been really selfish. And the person I am getting married to seems like such a unselfish, normal, dedicated kinda person. Thats scary for me. Not that its not good, but its just kinda something kinda.

I never thought and I still dont think that I can survive the ordeals of a marriage process. Gosh, its giving me a lot of jitters already. And a part of me is telling me to run away from all this. Ofcourse its gonna cause a hell lot of pain to my mom. Thats just whats holding me back I guess. Why do I have to think about it so much?

I feel like I compromised with my dreams. Avi was so much braver than me. It would have been nice talking to her. I guess she would have helped me clear my head. But she kinda left me on my own. I don't know why. Maybe she died. How would I ever know? Gosh I wish I could turn the time back a little back now. Another moment added. Maybe to last sunday. Maybe to First week of January. Maybe to December 2nd. Maybe to October last week.

Its weird but I might have been in Chile, and I might have died in the earthquake too. I missed that opportunity.

I've acted so impulsively lately. I could still come up with a plan if you want me to. The Gay Act is going to fail cos I confided someone in it. Then there is the Scare Girl Act. And the Runaway Act. That reminds me of the movie the Runaway Bride.

Gosh, I really realize now, how big a thing marriage is. It's like Bigger than anything. I mean there are so many choices we make that we define our lives. So many If's. Like maybe if I chose Science rather than commerce, I might have been a great engineer. Or I might have died during ragging. But then that was somehow smaller than this. And I even tried to explain to the girl that I was quite confused. But she somehow didn't seem confused. Gawd! How can you not be confused about this. I don't think she will really understand me. But yeah then not many people have. I could count them on my fingers, and I wouldn't need 5 of them.

So is this what I was destined for Dear God? Was this the purpose of my stupid life? Tell me I didn't just give up my life like this. I really like to meet you now. It's been so unfair on me. I really hell like to meet you now. Could you please come up to meet me. You know Sudeep, please meet me in another life now, and tell me how sorry you were for messing my life up. I really really really really really really really really really really hate you Sudeep. You sold me out again... maybe for the last time... unrepairably....

And let there be no light...

A couple of people have remarked to me that I come across as a naturally gloomy and depressing person. I even say HI in the morning in a depressing way. Thats just probably cos the sun gods never seem to smile on me either. And anyhow, I am not really noticeable either. Or I am forgotten quite quickly.

Currently I have this far off corner seat, with my back to everyone in the room, and in front of me a window. It's not a bad seat actually. At 4.30 pm each day, the sunlight diffuses on my desk. I kinda hate it when that happens. I would like more darkness. I used to switch off the lights in my previous office and work. Light gives me headaches.

Oh, I had my 26th birthday last week. For the first time in a few years, I slept long before it was 12 am on the night of 13th. I normally stay up and wish for stuff (that never seem to come true). This year I just didn't feel like doing anything. New year was the same too this year. No resolutions, no wishes, no dreams, no hopes.

Nothing hurts more than shards of broken dreams in your eyes. I cannot express the pain of being caught in between dream world and reality. Reality always wins. I always loose. It feels like this roundabout that I am circling. Once again we are back where we were. Worse now than then. At least there was hope then. It's not like I am not trying, I am trying my best, but its not working out. Somethings never work out.

He's haunted by the memories of the lost paradise
In his youth or dreams, he can't be precise

I spent an hour with my plant today on the roof. It's been around for 3 years now. It's not grown a lot, just like me. No lemons yet. They may never come. I have ignored it for the last year or so. And there I was chatting with a plant, and I didn't know what to say to it. You know, water is like a wall. I was throwing some soil into a plastic box containing water. And it was amazing how the soil just kinda burst upon touching the water.

We have this illusion of control in our life. Like we want to control everything that happens in our life. But there is no control ever. I can't control what goes around me, what anyone else does, or what happens to me. So why even bother trying. The more I try, the more friction happens, and the more I suffer.

Oh and yeah, winter is almost over. Now comes the real test...




(I didn't realize that I got a 'S' in the dark, from a very random picture I took from my cellphone!)

Back to Square One!....!

The culmination of regret, tiredness and a sense of defeat over the last few weeks have made me give way. I am leaving Gurgaon for home tomorrow. Not as hopeful, scared and excited as I was, when I first moved here. Maybe this will add up to my regret list as well. Quite likely indeed. But, I just gave up.

I am back to square one once again. Once again beginning new in an organization I hardly like, doing something that I think is way below my intellect, and being treated by some fool like I have never done anything in my life. Maybe the problem is that I compare, complain and criticize too much.

"I will not reason or compare, my business is to create"

Some part of here was really wonderful. The old house more so. Met some really wonderful people, made some life long friends. Had some really really wonderful long discussions. Had some fights. Had some disagreements. Had a lot of laughs.

I don't know how much this experience changed me, but it did teach me a lot.

But now, its back to home again. The weight of dead dreams is constantly pushing me down. I must close my mind to all of them, and become an office zombie. I wish I could go to Japan tomorrow too... wow, that would be so amazing. Tskkkk.....

Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one

Note :- Those colors are actually yellow and grey... the new EY Branding... Hahahaha..