Rango se kahoon
Lakeero se kahoon
Maili maili si tasveeron se kahoon
Bekarari si bekarari hai
To colors I say
To lines I say
To these dusty pictures I say
Something is amiss.....
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Ipso Facto....
So, its been a while again. Some days its hard to tell what is real. I have a real problem figuring that out lately. Not lately though on second thought.
Sometimes I feel like I am still sleepwalking my life. Like waiting for something to happen. I don't know what.
I don't really. like my job. It doesn't really excite me. But I guess it he pays well for effort I put into it. And its funny. that this has been my first job where I haven't put in any serious effort. My team is kinda nice. I like them. But its mostly about getting through the day.
I blew 2 lakh + in the stock market in the last two weeks. That has been depressing.. But sometimes I feel very indifferent and uncaring about it. Thtat makes me feel guilty as it was my hard earned. money. Am I being sself destructive again?
I don't really connect with my wife that well either. I am afraid there could be issues on that front too sooner rather than later.
I feel very empty and alone. I need to watch out my internal commentary.
When the day is done
Down to the earth sinks the sun
Along with everything that was lost and won
When the day is done
Sometimes I feel like I am still sleepwalking my life. Like waiting for something to happen. I don't know what.
I don't really. like my job. It doesn't really excite me. But I guess it he pays well for effort I put into it. And its funny. that this has been my first job where I haven't put in any serious effort. My team is kinda nice. I like them. But its mostly about getting through the day.
I blew 2 lakh + in the stock market in the last two weeks. That has been depressing.. But sometimes I feel very indifferent and uncaring about it. Thtat makes me feel guilty as it was my hard earned. money. Am I being sself destructive again?
I don't really connect with my wife that well either. I am afraid there could be issues on that front too sooner rather than later.
I feel very empty and alone. I need to watch out my internal commentary.
When the day is done
Down to the earth sinks the sun
Along with everything that was lost and won
When the day is done
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
You just got pwned
I cudnt think of a title. I was just thinking about my blog title. I says a simple line which means so much more.
What it says is I am ok. Not really. I think I aom ok. But I might not really be ok. I might be pretending to be ok. And what really defines ok. Ok isnt good or bad. Ok is just ok. You say I am ok to people that you do not wish to show your emotions to. Ok is a way of existence that is not very fulfilling. If you asked me, everything is ok. There havent been extremely happy eventa in my life in the last few yeara. Infact I cant remember a happy event ever. When I was truly happy. You know, pure bliss. So I am living a life thats ok.
I dont like my job. I dont like my family. I am not excited about my upcoming marriage either.
Dont it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
I am just disappointed. Not terribly mad to be honest now. I got past that realization of doom which occurred to me last winter. I am not guilty, I am not depressed. I am just disappointed with life. But to be honest if I dont know how will get out of here now. It could be excruciatingly painful slow death here. I have to have to have to run away.
Promise me you will. I dont know where but somewhere. Life's dying.
All you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
What it says is I am ok. Not really. I think I aom ok. But I might not really be ok. I might be pretending to be ok. And what really defines ok. Ok isnt good or bad. Ok is just ok. You say I am ok to people that you do not wish to show your emotions to. Ok is a way of existence that is not very fulfilling. If you asked me, everything is ok. There havent been extremely happy eventa in my life in the last few yeara. Infact I cant remember a happy event ever. When I was truly happy. You know, pure bliss. So I am living a life thats ok.
I dont like my job. I dont like my family. I am not excited about my upcoming marriage either.
Dont it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
I am just disappointed. Not terribly mad to be honest now. I got past that realization of doom which occurred to me last winter. I am not guilty, I am not depressed. I am just disappointed with life. But to be honest if I dont know how will get out of here now. It could be excruciatingly painful slow death here. I have to have to have to run away.
Promise me you will. I dont know where but somewhere. Life's dying.
All you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
Purpose of life?
I dont understand the meaning of anything anymore. I am just tired. Very tired.
Whats the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
I screamed a lot today. I cant scream louder than that. Maybe I could. I wish I got hit by that car this evening.
I am just tired. When am I gonna get my due in life?
Whats the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
I screamed a lot today. I cant scream louder than that. Maybe I could. I wish I got hit by that car this evening.
I am just tired. When am I gonna get my due in life?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
This is the last time
Its been more than a year since I last heard this song. It has some memories too. This was the first Keane song that I really liked (apart from Bedshaped maybe). And I remember talking to Avi about it. I told her how I didn't really understand what he was saying and I made up the lyrics to sing it up. She admitted she did the same. That was the winter of 2006-07.
Years have gone by. I lost myself along the way. Made some crazy decisions, got them all wrong. And then pushed myself in a corner so that I wasn't in control of my life anymore. On how many days of your life, do you choose your career and spouse both on the same day?
The sun helps me to think better. As night draws in, my mind wanders, and I go into these crazy bouts. These days I have these flashing images of the past again. Its funny its the same time of the year, last year, that I was having these flashes. Do things have these cyclical patterns? Such random memories, such random people, such random days, pop in at any time. When I wake up, when I am walking up to my dreaded office, when I am playing warcraft.
I checked, I actually do have almost most of those chat memories saved. Funny. I was such a kid then. I couldn't read most of it. It didn't make sense. Was I pretending? Was that me? Was I creative, innovate, brimming with original ideas, or was I trying to woo a girl? I miss her as a friends a lot of times. The one person in the whole world that sort of got me. Whatever, its been like more than a year.
We all have illusions and delusions and they are all empty! --- Rodney A from Yahoo Answers...
Years have gone by. I lost myself along the way. Made some crazy decisions, got them all wrong. And then pushed myself in a corner so that I wasn't in control of my life anymore. On how many days of your life, do you choose your career and spouse both on the same day?
The sun helps me to think better. As night draws in, my mind wanders, and I go into these crazy bouts. These days I have these flashing images of the past again. Its funny its the same time of the year, last year, that I was having these flashes. Do things have these cyclical patterns? Such random memories, such random people, such random days, pop in at any time. When I wake up, when I am walking up to my dreaded office, when I am playing warcraft.
I checked, I actually do have almost most of those chat memories saved. Funny. I was such a kid then. I couldn't read most of it. It didn't make sense. Was I pretending? Was that me? Was I creative, innovate, brimming with original ideas, or was I trying to woo a girl? I miss her as a friends a lot of times. The one person in the whole world that sort of got me. Whatever, its been like more than a year.
We all have illusions and delusions and they are all empty! --- Rodney A from Yahoo Answers...
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Sleepwalking through life
I can't find a title... no song titles, no Warcraft achievements, no quotes....
Listening to Northern Sky. It's such a nice song.
Tomorrow is sort of a big day. Not that big really. I have this interview tomorrow for a job that could get me out of a lot of mess. Hope it doesn't get me into more mess. I am nervous about it, and as a matter of fact nervous/excited about something after quite some time. I have given lots of interviews recently. Sleepwalked most of them, saying absurd things.
I have been sleepwalking through life lately, without a real meaning in life. There was no meaning earlier as well, but I wasn't so aware of it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Wake up each morning, struggle to get up and get ready. Sleep through to office. Somehow manage through each day, attempting to not do anything, just trying to get another day out of the way. Come back home, eat food, spend some time with Tromp and Klix, and sleep... hoping that tomorrow doesn't come. Rinse and repeat for 4 days, and on the 5th, forget about everything, and hope that this night doesn't end.
I can't see anything down this road to be honest. I can't see down any road for that matter. Having finally acknowledged that I am going through severe depression, I have just turned to anti-establishment. Life can be such a lonely affair, and in the end you are responsible for the life you live in. And no one owes you anything in life, those things that you thought were yours. And try explaining yourself to someone, no one has the energy or time. When you see the world through this unengaged lens, nothing makes sense. Why should I do it all?
But tomorrow I try to get that job, just to get out of this one. How does it help? Well for one, I just can't be put to line here, I am either going to be fired, or be a pain for everyone. It's just gone out of control. A new job, a new vision, a better field, a better company, a more respectful job, better salary. Downside is that its a job again, and that too among pricks, they could be terrible, selfish type A people. And worst the job requires to wear a tie. A promised myself once that I could never work in a place that requires to wear a tie. A tie!! Can you imagine, as if having my body & soul trapped in a cubicle wasn't enough, you need to have my throat constricted as well.
But so many promises have been broken. So many dreams have been lost. I am not sane right at this moment. But when my Sane half wakes up again, he will chide me for thinking like this. He will tell me - BE PRACTICAL U IDIOT. You have ruined your career, your family hates you, you have no friends, your co-workers laugh on you, and you still want to indulge in this crazy talk? Look what you have become, stop playing world of warcraft. Pay attention to where your life is going. You are 27, life has come and gone by.
He's right too, you know. I have horrible nights in the last few months. I have woke up in the middle of the night, unable to understand how it is that I reached here. And unable to find energy for staying awake. It's like Dante's opening lines. That tomorrow is a wonderful opportunity to fix it all. Please make it work out. And maybe some of my bitterness will sweeten. I am so scared of wishing for things now too. How can I be sure that what I am wishing for is the best for me? But I really don't have any more patience left. I really don't want to work in that place for another day.
No lyrics today... not enough time to find a line.... If I dont write by this weekend, I guess its another painful journey for the next few months.
Listening to Northern Sky. It's such a nice song.
Tomorrow is sort of a big day. Not that big really. I have this interview tomorrow for a job that could get me out of a lot of mess. Hope it doesn't get me into more mess. I am nervous about it, and as a matter of fact nervous/excited about something after quite some time. I have given lots of interviews recently. Sleepwalked most of them, saying absurd things.
I have been sleepwalking through life lately, without a real meaning in life. There was no meaning earlier as well, but I wasn't so aware of it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Wake up each morning, struggle to get up and get ready. Sleep through to office. Somehow manage through each day, attempting to not do anything, just trying to get another day out of the way. Come back home, eat food, spend some time with Tromp and Klix, and sleep... hoping that tomorrow doesn't come. Rinse and repeat for 4 days, and on the 5th, forget about everything, and hope that this night doesn't end.
I can't see anything down this road to be honest. I can't see down any road for that matter. Having finally acknowledged that I am going through severe depression, I have just turned to anti-establishment. Life can be such a lonely affair, and in the end you are responsible for the life you live in. And no one owes you anything in life, those things that you thought were yours. And try explaining yourself to someone, no one has the energy or time. When you see the world through this unengaged lens, nothing makes sense. Why should I do it all?
But tomorrow I try to get that job, just to get out of this one. How does it help? Well for one, I just can't be put to line here, I am either going to be fired, or be a pain for everyone. It's just gone out of control. A new job, a new vision, a better field, a better company, a more respectful job, better salary. Downside is that its a job again, and that too among pricks, they could be terrible, selfish type A people. And worst the job requires to wear a tie. A promised myself once that I could never work in a place that requires to wear a tie. A tie!! Can you imagine, as if having my body & soul trapped in a cubicle wasn't enough, you need to have my throat constricted as well.
But so many promises have been broken. So many dreams have been lost. I am not sane right at this moment. But when my Sane half wakes up again, he will chide me for thinking like this. He will tell me - BE PRACTICAL U IDIOT. You have ruined your career, your family hates you, you have no friends, your co-workers laugh on you, and you still want to indulge in this crazy talk? Look what you have become, stop playing world of warcraft. Pay attention to where your life is going. You are 27, life has come and gone by.
He's right too, you know. I have horrible nights in the last few months. I have woke up in the middle of the night, unable to understand how it is that I reached here. And unable to find energy for staying awake. It's like Dante's opening lines. That tomorrow is a wonderful opportunity to fix it all. Please make it work out. And maybe some of my bitterness will sweeten. I am so scared of wishing for things now too. How can I be sure that what I am wishing for is the best for me? But I really don't have any more patience left. I really don't want to work in that place for another day.
No lyrics today... not enough time to find a line.... If I dont write by this weekend, I guess its another painful journey for the next few months.
Monday, February 07, 2011
In trouble with my soul...
I am bothered with my soul
I am walking beside my shoes
Your questions pull and drag
A future which seduces
Don't let me breath
I am selling joy to pain
To convince that I am alive
I am feeding my own screams
With my thoughts so stupidly
Complaining with fear
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
I want to laugh at everything
But there are no laughter's left
I wave myself through the day
And I shout in empty rooms
Who made these rules?
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
(I saw deathwing today... looked cool :( )
I am walking beside my shoes
Your questions pull and drag
A future which seduces
Don't let me breath
I am selling joy to pain
To convince that I am alive
I am feeding my own screams
With my thoughts so stupidly
Complaining with fear
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
I want to laugh at everything
But there are no laughter's left
I wave myself through the day
And I shout in empty rooms
Who made these rules?
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
(I saw deathwing today... looked cool :( )
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Comfortably Numb
I feel really alone lately.... really alone....
You know this time comes in your life when you are no longer a kid, and you are meant to act in a certain way. And I just couldn't cope with it. Now I just kinda live, but I don't really feel anything anymore.
I have absolutely no friends now, real or otherwise. Weekdays are spent passing time and office, and sleeping at home at night. Weekends are spent on sleeping and world of warcraft.
I came across this song today :
Life is bitter
A kiss could be so sweet
I've got a tattoo inside my eyes
For a girl I'll never meet
I have no one to share it with. I have no one to share my life with. I wish I could talk to Avi maybe.... But I guess she outgrew that whole silly nonsense talks.
And age is catching up on me, I'll be 27 in a few days. 27! Twenty seven! If I remember like 3-4 years ago, I would have never figured I'd be this way when I would have turned 27. A person completely uninterested in his life.
You know I learnt life's deepest secrets, but I still don't know what to do with them. Like how it's your life, and when you lie on your deathbed, you are not going to be answerable to anyone else but your ownself. Actually it's all very confusing, all kinda confusing theories. Another one says since life is short, you ought to make the people who matter around you happy. I am not doing either one.
I guess a lot of people would find it ridiculously funny and horrific to know that the reason why I didn't want to marry, was the exact thing that I refused to accept for marriage. But guess what, deep inside something tells me I'm not going to be normal ever again. Maybe I'd die at 27.
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
You know this time comes in your life when you are no longer a kid, and you are meant to act in a certain way. And I just couldn't cope with it. Now I just kinda live, but I don't really feel anything anymore.
I have absolutely no friends now, real or otherwise. Weekdays are spent passing time and office, and sleeping at home at night. Weekends are spent on sleeping and world of warcraft.
I came across this song today :
Life is bitter
A kiss could be so sweet
I've got a tattoo inside my eyes
For a girl I'll never meet
I have no one to share it with. I have no one to share my life with. I wish I could talk to Avi maybe.... But I guess she outgrew that whole silly nonsense talks.
And age is catching up on me, I'll be 27 in a few days. 27! Twenty seven! If I remember like 3-4 years ago, I would have never figured I'd be this way when I would have turned 27. A person completely uninterested in his life.
You know I learnt life's deepest secrets, but I still don't know what to do with them. Like how it's your life, and when you lie on your deathbed, you are not going to be answerable to anyone else but your ownself. Actually it's all very confusing, all kinda confusing theories. Another one says since life is short, you ought to make the people who matter around you happy. I am not doing either one.
I guess a lot of people would find it ridiculously funny and horrific to know that the reason why I didn't want to marry, was the exact thing that I refused to accept for marriage. But guess what, deep inside something tells me I'm not going to be normal ever again. Maybe I'd die at 27.
In trouble with my soul
I am a story backwards told
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Look what I've become.....
Of all the things I was capable of, this is where I am right now....
You would be very proud of me.... a liar, beggar, untrustworthy, friendless, covetous, broken person....
Discounted all my blessings for cheap trash....
Welcome to Hell....
Can any body find their home
Out of every one can anyone find their home
Lost in the sun can anyone find their home
Congratulations..... for a life you will always regret....
You would be very proud of me.... a liar, beggar, untrustworthy, friendless, covetous, broken person....
Discounted all my blessings for cheap trash....
Welcome to Hell....
Can any body find their home
Out of every one can anyone find their home
Lost in the sun can anyone find their home
Congratulations..... for a life you will always regret....
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
An empty life...
I always wonder why I never had any happy pictures to put on facebook or orkut.....
I think I am reaching the end of my life very soon.....
I think I am reaching the end of my life very soon.....
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Ghosts of the winter
I asked for punishment, and I got it....
I really understood the phrase - "The dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had"
I could ask for anything these days and I would see it walk into my life, and watch myself helplessly unable to take it. Too feeble, too guilty, too tired, too unworthy. I don't know if anyone has ever had this in their life. God would say - Now don't ever let me catch you say that I never gave you a chance to mend your life. I gave you one after another this winter!
I don't know if I will survive this winter. I have had visions of me jumping off Tower B. I don't think anyone would survive that fall.
What I wake up each morning, is dreading each day. Messing up things even further. Confused, lost, alone. The real world is so hard to live with. I was lost in my own world for so many years, and now when I can't hide anymore, I am not ready for anything. Too scared to take up anything. Going over his decisions over and over again, without any real solutions. Breaking promises. Breaking hearts. Destroying credibility.
I was lost all my life, but right now, I am just beyond lost. I am stranded on a crowded street, with things running over me. My head will just burst. (Listen to the guitar finish on the The Bitter Half of Me)
See me standing frustrated
See me standing reject
Just a shadow with no name
I am crying because this isn't who I am. This isn't who I was an year back. This year killed me. I killed myself. It won't ever be the same. Life has lost all its meaning. Not that it had any earlier, but there was always hope. But now there is none. I realize that I failed my life. It's a terrible burden to live with. Nothing will ever make it right. The winter of 2004 was a terrible realization too, but there was always hope then. I would find myself, and freedom. But now when I have abandoned all dreams, they don't call out to me either. It's more a shame. Guilt.
Please don't ever meet me. I don't think I can look you in the eye. I don't look myself in the eye anymore. I find it hard to stay awake these days. My mind just keeps haunting me if I am awake.
Do you still want to go to Mexico?
Run away for a year
I don't know what will happen when I get back
I don't know whether I will survive the year
I might just feel very helpless there
Do you want to go the consulting firm?
I lied to them
I don't wanna face some of those people
Do you wanna join that manufacturing co.?
It's a very very long commute
I really don't know whether I will live the pressure of that job
Do you wanna join that construction co.?
It's an unethical company to some extent
Commuting is a problem there too
Do you wanna go to Hyderabad/Bangalore for Deloitte?
I am not very sure about it
I dont know anyone there
Do you wanna stick around where you are?
I am not doing anything here and there is no future
Do you wanna get married this year or not?
I don't know....
I just don't know what I wanna do you. Please let me sleep. Please go away. Come again another day. Please let time stop. Please. Please let tomorrow never come. Please turn it all back. Please.
I really understood the phrase - "The dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had"
I could ask for anything these days and I would see it walk into my life, and watch myself helplessly unable to take it. Too feeble, too guilty, too tired, too unworthy. I don't know if anyone has ever had this in their life. God would say - Now don't ever let me catch you say that I never gave you a chance to mend your life. I gave you one after another this winter!
I don't know if I will survive this winter. I have had visions of me jumping off Tower B. I don't think anyone would survive that fall.
What I wake up each morning, is dreading each day. Messing up things even further. Confused, lost, alone. The real world is so hard to live with. I was lost in my own world for so many years, and now when I can't hide anymore, I am not ready for anything. Too scared to take up anything. Going over his decisions over and over again, without any real solutions. Breaking promises. Breaking hearts. Destroying credibility.
I was lost all my life, but right now, I am just beyond lost. I am stranded on a crowded street, with things running over me. My head will just burst. (Listen to the guitar finish on the The Bitter Half of Me)
See me standing frustrated
See me standing reject
Just a shadow with no name
I am crying because this isn't who I am. This isn't who I was an year back. This year killed me. I killed myself. It won't ever be the same. Life has lost all its meaning. Not that it had any earlier, but there was always hope. But now there is none. I realize that I failed my life. It's a terrible burden to live with. Nothing will ever make it right. The winter of 2004 was a terrible realization too, but there was always hope then. I would find myself, and freedom. But now when I have abandoned all dreams, they don't call out to me either. It's more a shame. Guilt.
Please don't ever meet me. I don't think I can look you in the eye. I don't look myself in the eye anymore. I find it hard to stay awake these days. My mind just keeps haunting me if I am awake.
Do you still want to go to Mexico?
Run away for a year
I don't know what will happen when I get back
I don't know whether I will survive the year
I might just feel very helpless there
Do you want to go the consulting firm?
I lied to them
I don't wanna face some of those people
Do you wanna join that manufacturing co.?
It's a very very long commute
I really don't know whether I will live the pressure of that job
Do you wanna join that construction co.?
It's an unethical company to some extent
Commuting is a problem there too
Do you wanna go to Hyderabad/Bangalore for Deloitte?
I am not very sure about it
I dont know anyone there
Do you wanna stick around where you are?
I am not doing anything here and there is no future
Do you wanna get married this year or not?
I don't know....
I just don't know what I wanna do you. Please let me sleep. Please go away. Come again another day. Please let time stop. Please. Please let tomorrow never come. Please turn it all back. Please.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
There and back again....
(It's funny how that is also a quest in WoW I did yesterday for Brewfest!!)
So, its a restart once more tomorrow....
The music plays....
There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
Show me a not so messed up future, and I will show you the Achievement - "Insane in the Membrane" completed!!
A night like this come so rarely these days. I wanted to write for so many weeks, maybe months. Has it really been so long!! (First week of June).... So where were you all these days. I was actually stuck in time again. It's this disease I have, where I choose to cling to a particular set of events, which I wouldn't just let go, and my past present future all revolve around trying to recreate that event. I voice inside tells me you are going to fail miserably. More miserably now then ever.
Up and down, and in the end... its only round and round, and round....
Black and blue, and who can tell, which is which and who is who....
I think you are trying to deceive yourself when you say that there is a plan. There might be none actually. You might be just searching for another hide out. Is that it? And this time it might be even harder. At 26, not many can claim to have failed their life. I can....
So just rewind the last 1 year for me a bit. I had a job, I didn't like it cos I thought I was capable of so much more. SI wanted to marry and get settled, and so I left an opportunity to go to South America. So, I quit my job and find a job thats in the same city. I say yes to marry a girl, and then I back out, cos apparently I feel my dreams are dying (whatever they are), and I lucidly convince myself to go in search of them (not in reality), and then I decide to go back to my old company, as I think that that's where my real destiny lies. That ultra bureaucratic company takes 5 months to get be an offer, and I drag those 5 months lost in WoW, and dreaming about a past that can never again be, as all those people that were in it, have already moved on. The old company offers me a salary that is just about the same when I started out 2 and a half years ago. I am gutted, but I convince myself its not about money. I say yes for marriage again, but this time the girl says no after saying yes. My family doesn't think much of me, and I've lost all my friends, and I am not keen on socializing. I am not so keen about marriage any more. I am not so confident as I was an year back. And now tomorrow I am joining back, and my first test will be facing people who started with me, and are now earning more than me, and would laugh behind my backs and say what a fool I am.
So who are we kidding kiddo. Tell me whats it about? You don't know really. I wish I did. I am just going back because I want to. There is no real reason for it. You are just disillusioned. Maybe I didn't deserve what I got in the first place. Maybe I am just being punished. Wouldn't you punish me for all I have done. I can take that. As that becomes an act of redemption. But its not that.
The giant board flashes in FFVII - "LOVELESS".... I hope it all flashes - "SPIRITLESS", "DREAMLESS".....
I was thinking I would give over my share of happiness to which people... Certainly my parents (I've hurt them a lot), my brother (I'd also feel guilty if I was more happy than him), and to that girl who's heart I broke (I never thought I'd ever be capable of doing that)... There is no one else, I think I owe anything....
I'd always be an outsider... There is no place I belong.... There is no one who would understand... There is no one I can talk to.... All I wanted was someone to talk to....
It's funny how I didn't intend to write this post like this. I'd thought I'd pep myself with how mature I have become, and how I'd change everything around. How in a couple of years my path would be clear and I'd find what I truly deserve... All Illusions....
The end of the world draws near.... Across the stars haunts me with its inevitable tone of pending doom....
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Don't die please... I'd like to try once more... I'd really like to turn it around... I've messed it all up.... (3015 achievement points isn't bad...but AQ40 still stands.... Mwahahaha....)
In better times you could be my friend
So, its a restart once more tomorrow....
The music plays....
There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
Show me a not so messed up future, and I will show you the Achievement - "Insane in the Membrane" completed!!
A night like this come so rarely these days. I wanted to write for so many weeks, maybe months. Has it really been so long!! (First week of June).... So where were you all these days. I was actually stuck in time again. It's this disease I have, where I choose to cling to a particular set of events, which I wouldn't just let go, and my past present future all revolve around trying to recreate that event. I voice inside tells me you are going to fail miserably. More miserably now then ever.
Up and down, and in the end... its only round and round, and round....
Black and blue, and who can tell, which is which and who is who....
I think you are trying to deceive yourself when you say that there is a plan. There might be none actually. You might be just searching for another hide out. Is that it? And this time it might be even harder. At 26, not many can claim to have failed their life. I can....
So just rewind the last 1 year for me a bit. I had a job, I didn't like it cos I thought I was capable of so much more. SI wanted to marry and get settled, and so I left an opportunity to go to South America. So, I quit my job and find a job thats in the same city. I say yes to marry a girl, and then I back out, cos apparently I feel my dreams are dying (whatever they are), and I lucidly convince myself to go in search of them (not in reality), and then I decide to go back to my old company, as I think that that's where my real destiny lies. That ultra bureaucratic company takes 5 months to get be an offer, and I drag those 5 months lost in WoW, and dreaming about a past that can never again be, as all those people that were in it, have already moved on. The old company offers me a salary that is just about the same when I started out 2 and a half years ago. I am gutted, but I convince myself its not about money. I say yes for marriage again, but this time the girl says no after saying yes. My family doesn't think much of me, and I've lost all my friends, and I am not keen on socializing. I am not so keen about marriage any more. I am not so confident as I was an year back. And now tomorrow I am joining back, and my first test will be facing people who started with me, and are now earning more than me, and would laugh behind my backs and say what a fool I am.
So who are we kidding kiddo. Tell me whats it about? You don't know really. I wish I did. I am just going back because I want to. There is no real reason for it. You are just disillusioned. Maybe I didn't deserve what I got in the first place. Maybe I am just being punished. Wouldn't you punish me for all I have done. I can take that. As that becomes an act of redemption. But its not that.
The giant board flashes in FFVII - "LOVELESS".... I hope it all flashes - "SPIRITLESS", "DREAMLESS".....
I was thinking I would give over my share of happiness to which people... Certainly my parents (I've hurt them a lot), my brother (I'd also feel guilty if I was more happy than him), and to that girl who's heart I broke (I never thought I'd ever be capable of doing that)... There is no one else, I think I owe anything....
I'd always be an outsider... There is no place I belong.... There is no one who would understand... There is no one I can talk to.... All I wanted was someone to talk to....
It's funny how I didn't intend to write this post like this. I'd thought I'd pep myself with how mature I have become, and how I'd change everything around. How in a couple of years my path would be clear and I'd find what I truly deserve... All Illusions....
The end of the world draws near.... Across the stars haunts me with its inevitable tone of pending doom....
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Don't die please... I'd like to try once more... I'd really like to turn it around... I've messed it all up.... (3015 achievement points isn't bad...but AQ40 still stands.... Mwahahaha....)
In better times you could be my friend
Saturday, June 05, 2010
WoW!
So I have been trying to write for a long time now, but just couldn't find time. Not that I've been busy as such. Just that I've been occupied with WoW!
Yeah I mean, I finally discovered WoW! I really wonder why I hadn't all these years. It's made for people like me I guess. But then maybe I didn't have that much money to spend all those years. Maybe I could have last year. Yeah.
WoW is a pretty good time waster. It just takes up all my time. And I am just upgrading to Wotlk, so that's why I am not playing right now. Whatever. So this is who I am really, a geek, nerd. Whatever.
Damn! I am in recline these days. I don't even see the mirror that much anymore. Don't remember my face either.
Still no sign of making it back to TCS. I feel like quitting my job every Monday. This one is where I should do it. With no job lined up, its probably a really ridiculous thing to do. But then I just wanna be ridiculous these days. I might not get back to TCS after all. I might regret all my actions over the last year. I might just break down. I think I saw black light between my eyes just now. I am having black outs?
I am screwed up royally I guess.
Quit, don't quit? Noodles, don't noodles?
TOL : What's with Kung Fu Panda anyhow! I so love that movie. It's got undeniable wisdom...
People around me won't understand me quitting. It might be a headache to find a new job. I don't want a job that required me to wear a tie. I qualify for mostly those jobs.
Why can't you be flexible like the rest of them? I dunno! I am just not elastic, and I might break trying to be so.
Are you willing to start over from the starting line, and watch people who you started with earlier, so far ahead in the race? It's a race if you think it is, and then for me it could just be a walk in the woods, enjoying the beauty of it all. It sounds so wonderful, but its going to pain you so much, to see people who deserve less than you, get much more than you.
I don't know what I deserve any more....
For now, I just hope that this download finishes today. And I get back to playing WoW tomorrow. We'll worry about the impending doom on monday later.
To Isengard, To Isengard, To Isengard
Though Isengard be ringed and barred with doors of stone....
Yeah I mean, I finally discovered WoW! I really wonder why I hadn't all these years. It's made for people like me I guess. But then maybe I didn't have that much money to spend all those years. Maybe I could have last year. Yeah.
WoW is a pretty good time waster. It just takes up all my time. And I am just upgrading to Wotlk, so that's why I am not playing right now. Whatever. So this is who I am really, a geek, nerd. Whatever.
Damn! I am in recline these days. I don't even see the mirror that much anymore. Don't remember my face either.
Still no sign of making it back to TCS. I feel like quitting my job every Monday. This one is where I should do it. With no job lined up, its probably a really ridiculous thing to do. But then I just wanna be ridiculous these days. I might not get back to TCS after all. I might regret all my actions over the last year. I might just break down. I think I saw black light between my eyes just now. I am having black outs?
I am screwed up royally I guess.
Quit, don't quit? Noodles, don't noodles?
TOL : What's with Kung Fu Panda anyhow! I so love that movie. It's got undeniable wisdom...
People around me won't understand me quitting. It might be a headache to find a new job. I don't want a job that required me to wear a tie. I qualify for mostly those jobs.
Why can't you be flexible like the rest of them? I dunno! I am just not elastic, and I might break trying to be so.
Are you willing to start over from the starting line, and watch people who you started with earlier, so far ahead in the race? It's a race if you think it is, and then for me it could just be a walk in the woods, enjoying the beauty of it all. It sounds so wonderful, but its going to pain you so much, to see people who deserve less than you, get much more than you.
I don't know what I deserve any more....
For now, I just hope that this download finishes today. And I get back to playing WoW tomorrow. We'll worry about the impending doom on monday later.
To Isengard, To Isengard, To Isengard
Though Isengard be ringed and barred with doors of stone....
Monday, April 26, 2010
So you think you can tell?
One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it... Master Oogway said.
It's one of those pathetic nights when I am in tears again. I shouldn't be crying for a 26 year old. I am just lost. That's all. It's not always my fault you know. I have been dissuaded from taking risks all my life. And when I finally take a few, they don't go right. Great!!!
Coming back here was such a mistake too. Damn you!
This dysfunctional family isn't all my fault you know. Please spare me this torture. I hate them all. I hate all of them. I hate everyone in this world now. I wanna leave this place once more. Why did you bargain for something less than your dreams. Now you are this worn out looser. Look at you. I just couldn't make anyone smile.
I've had more miserable times than today. Just leave me alone. You just won't get me. Ever.
Why did my laptop have to fry??? Why? Why?
Its not all my fault you know. Stop killing me....
It's one of those pathetic nights when I am in tears again. I shouldn't be crying for a 26 year old. I am just lost. That's all. It's not always my fault you know. I have been dissuaded from taking risks all my life. And when I finally take a few, they don't go right. Great!!!
Coming back here was such a mistake too. Damn you!
This dysfunctional family isn't all my fault you know. Please spare me this torture. I hate them all. I hate all of them. I hate everyone in this world now. I wanna leave this place once more. Why did you bargain for something less than your dreams. Now you are this worn out looser. Look at you. I just couldn't make anyone smile.
I've had more miserable times than today. Just leave me alone. You just won't get me. Ever.
Why did my laptop have to fry??? Why? Why?
Its not all my fault you know. Stop killing me....
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
So where were you all those years?????
I don't know.... Shit....
Zap...
And this is where I find you? No actually. I've met you along the way several times sometimes. Days like today obviously. Then you kinda forget me, and then we meet again.
I kinda feel sorry for you. I didn't realize. It's not really painful being Sudeep, cos he really doesn't feel much most of the times.
(Am I 30? Don't know why I feel 30 these days!)
How was your party when you passed out 12th? Ummmm.....
How was your graduation day? Do you have any pictures of that? Ummmm......
How did you feel when you became a CA? Ummmm......
How did you feel when you first told someone you love her? Ummmm......
How do you feel when you see your parents beaming proudly at you? Ummmmm......
How do you feel about having friends who care for you and are happy for you? Ummmm......
die!Die!DIE!
The dice rolled and it wasn't six. I didn't want six. I don't have six. I can't have six. Why do you yearn for six? But don't give me zero at least.
Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has.... How Embarrasing!
Zap...
And this is where I find you? No actually. I've met you along the way several times sometimes. Days like today obviously. Then you kinda forget me, and then we meet again.
I kinda feel sorry for you. I didn't realize. It's not really painful being Sudeep, cos he really doesn't feel much most of the times.
(Am I 30? Don't know why I feel 30 these days!)
How was your party when you passed out 12th? Ummmm.....
How was your graduation day? Do you have any pictures of that? Ummmm......
How did you feel when you became a CA? Ummmm......
How did you feel when you first told someone you love her? Ummmm......
How do you feel when you see your parents beaming proudly at you? Ummmmm......
How do you feel about having friends who care for you and are happy for you? Ummmm......
die!Die!DIE!
The dice rolled and it wasn't six. I didn't want six. I don't have six. I can't have six. Why do you yearn for six? But don't give me zero at least.
Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has.... How Embarrasing!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Each year gone past....
Normally I hate to read what I have written. It sounds so melodramatic and over the top at times. But I just tried to read what I had written a few years back. I think I have definitely improved my writing style. I wish someone would confirm that. But then no one really reads this blog anyhow.
Whatever!
Steps in sand is reminded to be my this. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. Avi didn't believe that. She said that we have to remove the signs of our steps. I didn't believe that. I think if we ever go back, we'd be curious to find our steps, and if we ever by chance run across some forgotten steps, then it would be like serendipity. And we can sit there and stare at them. But then what fun would that be? What would that accomplish? But then what would anything accomplish. I realize the vanity and futility of it all each day.
I haven't had a crazy soul talk with anybody for months now. No one would understand it even if I tried. I sometimes wonder what really happened. I get no answers. But then yeah if I was 22, then the mere thought of NO ANSWER would have killed me day and night. Now it just doesn't anymore. I am ok.
Change is constant. We might be in awe or fascinated by a person or say his ideas. But that person is not constant. He or she is continously changing too. So its fair to say that we are fascinated by that time. And envious time does not hold back for anyone. So if we try harder then we end up ruining that time as well. Maybe I will get an answer some day, but I wouldn't bet on it. And I know the answer really. It's like - get a life dude!
So, I was watching Wall-E this morning. Just the ending 20 minutes or so. That was exactly my idea of love. Somehow that idea of real true love never seems to be quite real. A love which is not really physical, but love for the sake of love. I realized lately that I am scared of sex. And love for me was something different. It was like this feeling for true kinda love, that I just can't explain. I guess I always thought that I would be in love one day, that true kinda love, that just you understand, which is so beyond that physical kinda love. But then over the years now, the in your face real world has just shelled me too much. And then I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, and I just realize that I won't get that love really. I probably least deserve it either. Anyhow, its just some crazy idea that I can't even explain.
I am supposed to be working right now. But my eyes are really tired. I wanna say something but its mostly unexplainable. And thats why I am blogging here right now in the morning. Its crossroads all over again. And I am 26 now. 24 was better. 22 I was a kid. And 26 now I feel too old.
Tell me its all gonna be ok and I am gonna say its not.....
Whatever!
Steps in sand is reminded to be my this. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. Avi didn't believe that. She said that we have to remove the signs of our steps. I didn't believe that. I think if we ever go back, we'd be curious to find our steps, and if we ever by chance run across some forgotten steps, then it would be like serendipity. And we can sit there and stare at them. But then what fun would that be? What would that accomplish? But then what would anything accomplish. I realize the vanity and futility of it all each day.
I haven't had a crazy soul talk with anybody for months now. No one would understand it even if I tried. I sometimes wonder what really happened. I get no answers. But then yeah if I was 22, then the mere thought of NO ANSWER would have killed me day and night. Now it just doesn't anymore. I am ok.
Change is constant. We might be in awe or fascinated by a person or say his ideas. But that person is not constant. He or she is continously changing too. So its fair to say that we are fascinated by that time. And envious time does not hold back for anyone. So if we try harder then we end up ruining that time as well. Maybe I will get an answer some day, but I wouldn't bet on it. And I know the answer really. It's like - get a life dude!
So, I was watching Wall-E this morning. Just the ending 20 minutes or so. That was exactly my idea of love. Somehow that idea of real true love never seems to be quite real. A love which is not really physical, but love for the sake of love. I realized lately that I am scared of sex. And love for me was something different. It was like this feeling for true kinda love, that I just can't explain. I guess I always thought that I would be in love one day, that true kinda love, that just you understand, which is so beyond that physical kinda love. But then over the years now, the in your face real world has just shelled me too much. And then I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, and I just realize that I won't get that love really. I probably least deserve it either. Anyhow, its just some crazy idea that I can't even explain.
I am supposed to be working right now. But my eyes are really tired. I wanna say something but its mostly unexplainable. And thats why I am blogging here right now in the morning. Its crossroads all over again. And I am 26 now. 24 was better. 22 I was a kid. And 26 now I feel too old.
Tell me its all gonna be ok and I am gonna say its not.....
The Lonely Shepherd
Luke 15:4 What man of you having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the other ninety and nine in the wilderness and go after the one which is lost, until he finds it.
Santiago sold his sheep though!
The world is too full of people. Too many people.
Would you cross the road just to not walk in the wrong way? I didn't even know there was a wrong way for walking?
The lonely shepherd sits there, searching for his sheep. The sheep just doesnt exist. He doesnt quite realise that yet. As for the ninety and nine he left in the wilderness, they are probably dead too by now. Or maybe not. Who can say that for sure?
It might be a quarterlife crisis or just a stirring in my soul....
I flipped through the contacts on my phone a hundred times. I don't see a name that I can share silence with. Silence that speaks louder than words. They say I don't speak, but then I do, they just fail to listen.
What if the shepherd eats up all the sheep? He could get hungry you know?
Either way, the sheep must die. And the shepherd must take all the blame...
Santiago sold his sheep though!
The world is too full of people. Too many people.
Would you cross the road just to not walk in the wrong way? I didn't even know there was a wrong way for walking?
The lonely shepherd sits there, searching for his sheep. The sheep just doesnt exist. He doesnt quite realise that yet. As for the ninety and nine he left in the wilderness, they are probably dead too by now. Or maybe not. Who can say that for sure?
It might be a quarterlife crisis or just a stirring in my soul....
I flipped through the contacts on my phone a hundred times. I don't see a name that I can share silence with. Silence that speaks louder than words. They say I don't speak, but then I do, they just fail to listen.
What if the shepherd eats up all the sheep? He could get hungry you know?
Either way, the sheep must die. And the shepherd must take all the blame...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Ouch!
Is it true that your whole life runs through your head when you are about to die? I have been experiencing that in the last few weeks.
Random memories flash through my head, completely unrelated, completely helpless. At work, while traveling, while eating, while watching tv, while sleeping, while waking up, while doing anything. They are just haunting me so much.
There is that horrible memory of walking through an empty road at 3am in the night with my cousin. That was a horrible night.
Then heart broken that winter. Sitting in that class, feeling a pain I had never in my life before. I thought that time wouldn't pass. And now I find it hard to recollect it at times.
Go a little forward. Staring at those empty fields in Bhutan in the morning I am leaving after 10 days of sulking. Those could have been really special 10 days. But I wasted them. Realizing that morning of how wonderful it was there.
Go back many years into a classroom. I slapped a guy and his glasses flew off. And we became friends. Why that memory?
Go back many years again. Bionic... bionic six.... Can I please go there? Lemme be there again please.
Go forward into the present just 2 years back. That wonderful day at Kovalam Beach. That was a really wonderful day. The lighthouse, the wind, the soft rain, friends.
All those memories. I am not them. They are not me. I couldn't be them. They wouldn't wanna be me. I finally deduced the exact point in time I want to return to. Its start of 1993. I wanna start from there. I am 9, and with immense hope. I am thinking I am special in life. I am gonna be someone wonderful. Not this worn down loser.
I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you
But I can never find the words to say and I don't know why
I can't find the words to say and I don't know why
Random memories flash through my head, completely unrelated, completely helpless. At work, while traveling, while eating, while watching tv, while sleeping, while waking up, while doing anything. They are just haunting me so much.
There is that horrible memory of walking through an empty road at 3am in the night with my cousin. That was a horrible night.
Then heart broken that winter. Sitting in that class, feeling a pain I had never in my life before. I thought that time wouldn't pass. And now I find it hard to recollect it at times.
Go a little forward. Staring at those empty fields in Bhutan in the morning I am leaving after 10 days of sulking. Those could have been really special 10 days. But I wasted them. Realizing that morning of how wonderful it was there.
Go back many years into a classroom. I slapped a guy and his glasses flew off. And we became friends. Why that memory?
Go back many years again. Bionic... bionic six.... Can I please go there? Lemme be there again please.
Go forward into the present just 2 years back. That wonderful day at Kovalam Beach. That was a really wonderful day. The lighthouse, the wind, the soft rain, friends.
All those memories. I am not them. They are not me. I couldn't be them. They wouldn't wanna be me. I finally deduced the exact point in time I want to return to. Its start of 1993. I wanna start from there. I am 9, and with immense hope. I am thinking I am special in life. I am gonna be someone wonderful. Not this worn down loser.
I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you
But I can never find the words to say and I don't know why
I can't find the words to say and I don't know why
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Runaway Bride.....
I am not engaged any more. I finally said no this morning. Those were 2 hellish weeks.
I really recommend that arranged marriage is not for the soft hearted. It just didn't work out for me. I just couldn't imagine the rest of my life with that person. Maybe the feeling was mutual. It just felt like one big family happy making compromise. I am sorry I had to be selfish and break it off.
There was a lot of drama. There would be much more in the coming days. The girls parents would probably come down and shout at us. I think they are justified. I think I was an idiot in saying yes. But I am really relieved now.
This puts off my wedding for an year atleast. I now understand how big a commitment marriage is. And its not meant for me right now. I really hope that the girl forgets me quite quickly. And she finds someone really soon. I feel for her, but sometimes its best to be selfish, if you wanna live your life.
I was losing myself there for a time. But I am glad I finally pulled through. It just cleared my mind up a little bit too. I can now look for jobs outside Delhi. I think I ought to try just once more. Don't you think so?
Runaway Bride is an awesome movie too. People around here don't understand the fear marriage can cause. But I really vouch for it. Marriage is on hell of a thing, and you should only do it if you are 100% convinced about it.
I really recommend that arranged marriage is not for the soft hearted. It just didn't work out for me. I just couldn't imagine the rest of my life with that person. Maybe the feeling was mutual. It just felt like one big family happy making compromise. I am sorry I had to be selfish and break it off.
There was a lot of drama. There would be much more in the coming days. The girls parents would probably come down and shout at us. I think they are justified. I think I was an idiot in saying yes. But I am really relieved now.
This puts off my wedding for an year atleast. I now understand how big a commitment marriage is. And its not meant for me right now. I really hope that the girl forgets me quite quickly. And she finds someone really soon. I feel for her, but sometimes its best to be selfish, if you wanna live your life.
I was losing myself there for a time. But I am glad I finally pulled through. It just cleared my mind up a little bit too. I can now look for jobs outside Delhi. I think I ought to try just once more. Don't you think so?
Runaway Bride is an awesome movie too. People around here don't understand the fear marriage can cause. But I really vouch for it. Marriage is on hell of a thing, and you should only do it if you are 100% convinced about it.
Monday, March 01, 2010
A lot of steps back....
Steps taken forward but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
I asked my boss at TCS if he could help me come back to TCS. I am taking a lot of steps back. Is it so hard to take steps forward?
I am having a mid life identity crisis. Wikipedia defines the characteristics as :
Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:
* search of an undefined dream or goal
* a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
* desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
* need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
I fit all of those. I need a psychiatrist for sure now.
I don't know if Manoj will be able to help me get back. He had a smirk laughter when I told him I wanted to be back. There will be a lot of those. They may not just want me back now I guess. But seriously this new office is too stressful for me.
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
I asked my boss at TCS if he could help me come back to TCS. I am taking a lot of steps back. Is it so hard to take steps forward?
I am having a mid life identity crisis. Wikipedia defines the characteristics as :
Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:
* search of an undefined dream or goal
* a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
* desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
* need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
I fit all of those. I need a psychiatrist for sure now.
I don't know if Manoj will be able to help me get back. He had a smirk laughter when I told him I wanted to be back. There will be a lot of those. They may not just want me back now I guess. But seriously this new office is too stressful for me.
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