I always wonder why I never had any happy pictures to put on facebook or orkut.....
I think I am reaching the end of my life very soon.....
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Ghosts of the winter
I asked for punishment, and I got it....
I really understood the phrase - "The dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had"
I could ask for anything these days and I would see it walk into my life, and watch myself helplessly unable to take it. Too feeble, too guilty, too tired, too unworthy. I don't know if anyone has ever had this in their life. God would say - Now don't ever let me catch you say that I never gave you a chance to mend your life. I gave you one after another this winter!
I don't know if I will survive this winter. I have had visions of me jumping off Tower B. I don't think anyone would survive that fall.
What I wake up each morning, is dreading each day. Messing up things even further. Confused, lost, alone. The real world is so hard to live with. I was lost in my own world for so many years, and now when I can't hide anymore, I am not ready for anything. Too scared to take up anything. Going over his decisions over and over again, without any real solutions. Breaking promises. Breaking hearts. Destroying credibility.
I was lost all my life, but right now, I am just beyond lost. I am stranded on a crowded street, with things running over me. My head will just burst. (Listen to the guitar finish on the The Bitter Half of Me)
See me standing frustrated
See me standing reject
Just a shadow with no name
I am crying because this isn't who I am. This isn't who I was an year back. This year killed me. I killed myself. It won't ever be the same. Life has lost all its meaning. Not that it had any earlier, but there was always hope. But now there is none. I realize that I failed my life. It's a terrible burden to live with. Nothing will ever make it right. The winter of 2004 was a terrible realization too, but there was always hope then. I would find myself, and freedom. But now when I have abandoned all dreams, they don't call out to me either. It's more a shame. Guilt.
Please don't ever meet me. I don't think I can look you in the eye. I don't look myself in the eye anymore. I find it hard to stay awake these days. My mind just keeps haunting me if I am awake.
Do you still want to go to Mexico?
Run away for a year
I don't know what will happen when I get back
I don't know whether I will survive the year
I might just feel very helpless there
Do you want to go the consulting firm?
I lied to them
I don't wanna face some of those people
Do you wanna join that manufacturing co.?
It's a very very long commute
I really don't know whether I will live the pressure of that job
Do you wanna join that construction co.?
It's an unethical company to some extent
Commuting is a problem there too
Do you wanna go to Hyderabad/Bangalore for Deloitte?
I am not very sure about it
I dont know anyone there
Do you wanna stick around where you are?
I am not doing anything here and there is no future
Do you wanna get married this year or not?
I don't know....
I just don't know what I wanna do you. Please let me sleep. Please go away. Come again another day. Please let time stop. Please. Please let tomorrow never come. Please turn it all back. Please.
I really understood the phrase - "The dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had"
I could ask for anything these days and I would see it walk into my life, and watch myself helplessly unable to take it. Too feeble, too guilty, too tired, too unworthy. I don't know if anyone has ever had this in their life. God would say - Now don't ever let me catch you say that I never gave you a chance to mend your life. I gave you one after another this winter!
I don't know if I will survive this winter. I have had visions of me jumping off Tower B. I don't think anyone would survive that fall.
What I wake up each morning, is dreading each day. Messing up things even further. Confused, lost, alone. The real world is so hard to live with. I was lost in my own world for so many years, and now when I can't hide anymore, I am not ready for anything. Too scared to take up anything. Going over his decisions over and over again, without any real solutions. Breaking promises. Breaking hearts. Destroying credibility.
I was lost all my life, but right now, I am just beyond lost. I am stranded on a crowded street, with things running over me. My head will just burst. (Listen to the guitar finish on the The Bitter Half of Me)
See me standing frustrated
See me standing reject
Just a shadow with no name
I am crying because this isn't who I am. This isn't who I was an year back. This year killed me. I killed myself. It won't ever be the same. Life has lost all its meaning. Not that it had any earlier, but there was always hope. But now there is none. I realize that I failed my life. It's a terrible burden to live with. Nothing will ever make it right. The winter of 2004 was a terrible realization too, but there was always hope then. I would find myself, and freedom. But now when I have abandoned all dreams, they don't call out to me either. It's more a shame. Guilt.
Please don't ever meet me. I don't think I can look you in the eye. I don't look myself in the eye anymore. I find it hard to stay awake these days. My mind just keeps haunting me if I am awake.
Do you still want to go to Mexico?
Run away for a year
I don't know what will happen when I get back
I don't know whether I will survive the year
I might just feel very helpless there
Do you want to go the consulting firm?
I lied to them
I don't wanna face some of those people
Do you wanna join that manufacturing co.?
It's a very very long commute
I really don't know whether I will live the pressure of that job
Do you wanna join that construction co.?
It's an unethical company to some extent
Commuting is a problem there too
Do you wanna go to Hyderabad/Bangalore for Deloitte?
I am not very sure about it
I dont know anyone there
Do you wanna stick around where you are?
I am not doing anything here and there is no future
Do you wanna get married this year or not?
I don't know....
I just don't know what I wanna do you. Please let me sleep. Please go away. Come again another day. Please let time stop. Please. Please let tomorrow never come. Please turn it all back. Please.
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