Another year has passed me by. And all the last three new years, I have spent them the same way, alone in my room, maybe right on this chair. No, that chair broke two years back. The song that plays right now is Great Beyond from REM. Its been a strange year. I had a vision of how this was to be, and it turned out completely different. I thought I would study really hard this year, and try to get ready for my fly away. But I did none of that. Infact I havent put in lesser effort than I did this time around. It's been a year of laziness, rebelling, being oblivious.
I found so many songs this year which I think is the only thing I will write about in this post, cos summarizing the year is such a crappy idea which I dont intend to do. But then talking about songs?? I think I am drifting, but I just need to pull myself back. And I just got 17 days for that. I need to find my courage in the coming year to find my wings. Find my wings, thats the most anticipated event, more for a friend probably than me. And I am glad of that.
Clearing your head that important. To let go of any kinda bad feelings for anyone. We dont need to hold anything with us. Just let it all go away. And be clear about our path. Thats the only way you can achieve silence inside. The past few weeks I havent been silent inside. And thats bad, and thats why I needed to slow down things. And when u can hear urself calm, and steady and your vision clear, and the path visible, then you can probably run on that path, and leap off the mountain, and the wings will sprout. But if they dont then you would be betrayed, and all you would have is a never ending fall, and by the time your body arrives at the groud, you may not be alive.
Remember when you were young you shone like the sun
now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky
There is a problem feather's iron, bargain building weights and pulleys
Feather's hit he ground, before the weight can leave the air
Up and down, and in the end its only round and round, and round.
The coming year will decide my whole life. I think that would exactly how it would be. Would I ever be able to start my life, or would I be banished to the shadows. I have a strange feeling that its gonna be a very bad year. Very bad. I dont know why. I never asked for too much, but this is so important. It would require a honest effort from me too. Pull up the kid, and make him listen and follow the script. No breaking down. But I wonder, if a completely different fate is meant for us. I have always had this sneaking feeling that my fate is somehow not ordinary, it was never meant to be. To walk on a path which is less travelled is not easy, but if you can be devoted to that, and not complain, then maybe thats what you were meant for. From where I come from, you are not supposed to have a complicated fate, and it's so easy to just let it pass you. But I dont want to let it pass. And I would have to try my best to cling on the tail of some bird, just in case.......
There goes today, slowly fade away
Here comes today, never fade away
Monday, December 31, 2007
Two Brothers & An Office
So, I kinda had it planned for today. I told Navin sir that I didnt want to come anymore. He kinda knew it was coming, so he was pretty ok with it, and just said that he might call me if I was needed for work I had done. So, its not really an official goodbye. I think that would be when I get my papers signed in February. It wasnt really difficult to part with the office now, but last year at some time I thought about this day and I thought that would I certainly cry leaving this office. But I guess nothing dramatic really happened. I think I still have to say my sincere thank you's to them, which I would when I get my papers signed.
Navin Sir and Shyam Sir, two brothers running a small CA firm. Almost three years ago, I walked in this office for the first time with my elder cousin, who had done part of his training from there. It was 12th Feb, 2005 and a saturday, and they didnt even take my interview and asked me to come from monday. And monday was 14th Feb!! But I had nothing to do, so I came anyway. I was just looking for a hideout, and this was such a perfect hideout. I was just a pretty unconfident little kid when I started out. So I didnt wanna go to a big firm, cos I felt and still feel that I got no dressing sense, and I just wanted a small non fussy place. Had some great times there, frowned a lot too, fought a couple of times too, never backed down, learnt to be a rebel, and became confident of my work atleast. I am excellent at accounts, and just cos I worked in a small firm, doesnt take that away from me.
Navin Sir was the younger of the two brothers. He was the one wo handled getting all the work done in the office, handling the staff etc. So its only natural that I was closer to him than Shyam Sir. The Navin Sir I met when I started out my training was completely different from the one today. And I believe that me and Rajiv had a lot to do with the change in his whole attitude. He was so used to doing all the important work by himself, and afraid of handing it out to the staff. But I made through his defenses, and that I consider a wonderful achievement. I would say, he's got a lot in common with me, just that he doesnt have a speck of ego, and I have tons. So many times I would barge in, and point out his mistakes, and he would accept it all graciously, and acknowledge me. I always wondered how he did it.
An incident I clearly remember during my second week of training was when I went with Navin Sir to Panipat for a bank audit. And during the whole two hours bus ride, he hardly said a thing, just gave a audit manual to read. And at the bank, at around 4, when I finished my work, I hovered around his table like a little kid, while he was busy with his work, and he finally looked up at me, and he kinda understood the question on my face, and said that we would be leaving soon. I was just a little kid when I started out.
The other brother, I had tons of problems with. I had two major fights with him. At one of the occasions I threatened to quit, but didnt cos I had spent a whole year getting used to this place, and I wasnt just chuck it all away. He never liked me since then. Cos I called a spade a spade. He had this habit of discussing his ideas with some of the staff. He would make me and rajiv sit in front of them, and pop up his silly ideas. While Rajiv was all diplomatic, I would straight away shake my head and say - It wont work!! Just loved to irritate him. And then he would ignore me and discuss his plans with Rajiv. Whatever!! But other than that he never really bugged me as such, and so it was pretty ok.
They were pretty good people, and they gave me enough vacation for my exams, and were always cooperative, and never did anything bad to me. So that way, I guess it was pretty nice. Both of them had this weird accent and lingo that all of us just loved to imitate. And they were pretty stingy, but all bosses are that way I guess. So why was it that I wanted to leave. Not cos of them, maybe I just needed 17 days before my result came to think about where I am heading. It was all going so fast, and I needed to slow down things.
It was my first office, and I would always have wonderful memories of that place, especially the first half of it, with Dheeraj, my rebel guru and rajiv being there. With my home being dramatic those days, I never wanted to leave office, and Dheeraj used to make our stomachs hurt with all his comic stuff. And we wud close the upstairs office, and put on our headphones, and tell each other which song was playing on which station. And keep standing at the bus stop for an hour, waiting for an empty bus. Running off from audits at 2pm, and making silly excuses if we got caught. But then we even stayed till late when there was work at the end times. But now all the staff has changed, there is no dheeraj, no rajiv, and hence I just dont feel at home there anymore.
Rajiv said that since we worked in a small firm, we would be at a disadvantage when we go for interviews after we become CA. I kinda agree, but to be honest I dont really care. I had loads of fun there. As I always say - its better to be the king of small empire than be a slave in a huge empire. And we were kings during our training and I am proud of that. We worked on our terms, and never backed off. And these are traits that are more valuable than some big client names on the CV. So, sure I didnt do any big audits, but how many articles get to teach their CA's something during their training?? It was a perfect hideout, lets just see where we get to after this.
Navin Sir and Shyam Sir, two brothers running a small CA firm. Almost three years ago, I walked in this office for the first time with my elder cousin, who had done part of his training from there. It was 12th Feb, 2005 and a saturday, and they didnt even take my interview and asked me to come from monday. And monday was 14th Feb!! But I had nothing to do, so I came anyway. I was just looking for a hideout, and this was such a perfect hideout. I was just a pretty unconfident little kid when I started out. So I didnt wanna go to a big firm, cos I felt and still feel that I got no dressing sense, and I just wanted a small non fussy place. Had some great times there, frowned a lot too, fought a couple of times too, never backed down, learnt to be a rebel, and became confident of my work atleast. I am excellent at accounts, and just cos I worked in a small firm, doesnt take that away from me.
Navin Sir was the younger of the two brothers. He was the one wo handled getting all the work done in the office, handling the staff etc. So its only natural that I was closer to him than Shyam Sir. The Navin Sir I met when I started out my training was completely different from the one today. And I believe that me and Rajiv had a lot to do with the change in his whole attitude. He was so used to doing all the important work by himself, and afraid of handing it out to the staff. But I made through his defenses, and that I consider a wonderful achievement. I would say, he's got a lot in common with me, just that he doesnt have a speck of ego, and I have tons. So many times I would barge in, and point out his mistakes, and he would accept it all graciously, and acknowledge me. I always wondered how he did it.
An incident I clearly remember during my second week of training was when I went with Navin Sir to Panipat for a bank audit. And during the whole two hours bus ride, he hardly said a thing, just gave a audit manual to read. And at the bank, at around 4, when I finished my work, I hovered around his table like a little kid, while he was busy with his work, and he finally looked up at me, and he kinda understood the question on my face, and said that we would be leaving soon. I was just a little kid when I started out.
The other brother, I had tons of problems with. I had two major fights with him. At one of the occasions I threatened to quit, but didnt cos I had spent a whole year getting used to this place, and I wasnt just chuck it all away. He never liked me since then. Cos I called a spade a spade. He had this habit of discussing his ideas with some of the staff. He would make me and rajiv sit in front of them, and pop up his silly ideas. While Rajiv was all diplomatic, I would straight away shake my head and say - It wont work!! Just loved to irritate him. And then he would ignore me and discuss his plans with Rajiv. Whatever!! But other than that he never really bugged me as such, and so it was pretty ok.
They were pretty good people, and they gave me enough vacation for my exams, and were always cooperative, and never did anything bad to me. So that way, I guess it was pretty nice. Both of them had this weird accent and lingo that all of us just loved to imitate. And they were pretty stingy, but all bosses are that way I guess. So why was it that I wanted to leave. Not cos of them, maybe I just needed 17 days before my result came to think about where I am heading. It was all going so fast, and I needed to slow down things.
It was my first office, and I would always have wonderful memories of that place, especially the first half of it, with Dheeraj, my rebel guru and rajiv being there. With my home being dramatic those days, I never wanted to leave office, and Dheeraj used to make our stomachs hurt with all his comic stuff. And we wud close the upstairs office, and put on our headphones, and tell each other which song was playing on which station. And keep standing at the bus stop for an hour, waiting for an empty bus. Running off from audits at 2pm, and making silly excuses if we got caught. But then we even stayed till late when there was work at the end times. But now all the staff has changed, there is no dheeraj, no rajiv, and hence I just dont feel at home there anymore.
Rajiv said that since we worked in a small firm, we would be at a disadvantage when we go for interviews after we become CA. I kinda agree, but to be honest I dont really care. I had loads of fun there. As I always say - its better to be the king of small empire than be a slave in a huge empire. And we were kings during our training and I am proud of that. We worked on our terms, and never backed off. And these are traits that are more valuable than some big client names on the CV. So, sure I didnt do any big audits, but how many articles get to teach their CA's something during their training?? It was a perfect hideout, lets just see where we get to after this.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Book Review : They Are All Around Us
(by Ray Chavez)
Firstly, I couldnt even find the picture of the cover of this book online. And there was only one page that came out of all my searches that mentioned this book. So I am guessing not many would have read this. And I had to take the picture of the cover myself. I bought this book from the second hand book market in Daryaganj, mainly cos the words of the back seemed like my friend Avi was saying them aloud - "She had seen them...Thet were here, all around us. Their Plan was simple, but nobody would believe it." So I decided to find out what it was about. Plus it was only 220 pages.
So what is this book about. It's a strange book really. I have mixed feelings about it. The first chapter is pretty good, and you sense like some really amazing plot is headed your way. But then, it seems to fall away and you feel you are watching some B-Grade sci-fi movie about aliens. So the plot goes like this - old woman with a grand daughter, who is hearing weird noises and seeing weird things at night. Some kind of strange activity going on "ACROSS THE STREET". Grand daughter wont believe, thinks her Gramps has lost it. Drives over to boyfriend's house at night to tell him this. And oh yeah, in between all this, the world is seemingly heading towards anarchy. And fighting going on and possible nuclear war looming large. All this makes Ramona (grand-daughter) sad!! Awwww. So she goes over to bf's and they have a strange talk!! They talk about where the world is heading too!! Girl!! Your Granny is sick at home. Finally she leaves, but they encounters a mob attacking a cop, and she tries to save the cop. And then more police arrives, and some of the dialogue here is just outta this world. Anyhow, so finally she reaches home, and what happens after that is just outta this world too.
Lets see, I am still a bit confused but, it like this - Stairs Open!! And then she goes beneath her home, and then finds herself in corridors made by aliens, and finally in a Alien Conference Room!!! And all the aliens are in human bodies, so she gets a seat too. Their names are simple like U-1972, and the Y-X leader, and U-1037 and so on. And they are making PLANS to destroy all of mankind and that too without any weapons (some treaty). So she somehow escapes, and then returns back with her bf to show him all this. I Knew from the start that that scum was an alien!!! Anyhow, you folks wont discover that till late. So that is where the fun starts, they start telling the whole world that there are aliens amongst us. OOOOOOOOOO. What wud you say - Lady Go Home!! Exactly, so the next many pages, they are doing this publicity by various ways involving A.Distributing Pamphlets at red lights, B.Taking over a radio station, which seemingly is easily accessible, and so on. Finally the cops take them in. And guess what!! The Cops are aliens too!! And then comes the final shock!! Her best friend, her boy friend - Bernand, is an alien too. And in the end she dies after a scuffle with some aliens. And oh yeah, there is a mexican reporter in whose ARMS she dies. Dont look at me, I didnt write that. I am still confused too!! Was the reporter an alien too?? Beats me, if I could only get the email of this author. But its a book published in 1980.
So this is a book for the collection!! It had promise. I think the story I saw after the first chapter had lots of potential. But the whole aliens everywhere mess, got to me too. Its a simple story nevertheless, and could happen to anyone really. People wouldnt believe you too, if you saw aliens talking about destruction of planet earth. The funny part is, in the first chapter, there are atleast 3 characters who are named which have no further role - Jimmy, a football player who gets injured, Mary & Madge, discussing about bad cable reception. What was that all about, wasnt Jimmy suppose to do alien bashing??
Anyhow, part of this book can be seen in movies or other literature. THEY LIVE! a 1988 movie, is on somewhat the similar premise, and I am sure there are many more other movies which deal with this complicated subject in detail about how the aliens are taking over our jobs. And in the last words of Ramona - "To hate.... is...n.. not....to....love". Hey considering I am a crappy writer too, I think this is exactly the kind of stuff I am capable of producing too. So I give it 2 out of 5, for simply the laughs it provided.
Firstly, I couldnt even find the picture of the cover of this book online. And there was only one page that came out of all my searches that mentioned this book. So I am guessing not many would have read this. And I had to take the picture of the cover myself. I bought this book from the second hand book market in Daryaganj, mainly cos the words of the back seemed like my friend Avi was saying them aloud - "She had seen them...Thet were here, all around us. Their Plan was simple, but nobody would believe it." So I decided to find out what it was about. Plus it was only 220 pages.
So what is this book about. It's a strange book really. I have mixed feelings about it. The first chapter is pretty good, and you sense like some really amazing plot is headed your way. But then, it seems to fall away and you feel you are watching some B-Grade sci-fi movie about aliens. So the plot goes like this - old woman with a grand daughter, who is hearing weird noises and seeing weird things at night. Some kind of strange activity going on "ACROSS THE STREET". Grand daughter wont believe, thinks her Gramps has lost it. Drives over to boyfriend's house at night to tell him this. And oh yeah, in between all this, the world is seemingly heading towards anarchy. And fighting going on and possible nuclear war looming large. All this makes Ramona (grand-daughter) sad!! Awwww. So she goes over to bf's and they have a strange talk!! They talk about where the world is heading too!! Girl!! Your Granny is sick at home. Finally she leaves, but they encounters a mob attacking a cop, and she tries to save the cop. And then more police arrives, and some of the dialogue here is just outta this world. Anyhow, so finally she reaches home, and what happens after that is just outta this world too.
Lets see, I am still a bit confused but, it like this - Stairs Open!! And then she goes beneath her home, and then finds herself in corridors made by aliens, and finally in a Alien Conference Room!!! And all the aliens are in human bodies, so she gets a seat too. Their names are simple like U-1972, and the Y-X leader, and U-1037 and so on. And they are making PLANS to destroy all of mankind and that too without any weapons (some treaty). So she somehow escapes, and then returns back with her bf to show him all this. I Knew from the start that that scum was an alien!!! Anyhow, you folks wont discover that till late. So that is where the fun starts, they start telling the whole world that there are aliens amongst us. OOOOOOOOOO. What wud you say - Lady Go Home!! Exactly, so the next many pages, they are doing this publicity by various ways involving A.Distributing Pamphlets at red lights, B.Taking over a radio station, which seemingly is easily accessible, and so on. Finally the cops take them in. And guess what!! The Cops are aliens too!! And then comes the final shock!! Her best friend, her boy friend - Bernand, is an alien too. And in the end she dies after a scuffle with some aliens. And oh yeah, there is a mexican reporter in whose ARMS she dies. Dont look at me, I didnt write that. I am still confused too!! Was the reporter an alien too?? Beats me, if I could only get the email of this author. But its a book published in 1980.
So this is a book for the collection!! It had promise. I think the story I saw after the first chapter had lots of potential. But the whole aliens everywhere mess, got to me too. Its a simple story nevertheless, and could happen to anyone really. People wouldnt believe you too, if you saw aliens talking about destruction of planet earth. The funny part is, in the first chapter, there are atleast 3 characters who are named which have no further role - Jimmy, a football player who gets injured, Mary & Madge, discussing about bad cable reception. What was that all about, wasnt Jimmy suppose to do alien bashing??
Anyhow, part of this book can be seen in movies or other literature. THEY LIVE! a 1988 movie, is on somewhat the similar premise, and I am sure there are many more other movies which deal with this complicated subject in detail about how the aliens are taking over our jobs. And in the last words of Ramona - "To hate.... is...n.. not....to....love". Hey considering I am a crappy writer too, I think this is exactly the kind of stuff I am capable of producing too. So I give it 2 out of 5, for simply the laughs it provided.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Sinking in Music
A song is like this wave, and each wave is of different size, different taste, and hits you in a different way. For me songs take time to sink in. Some sink in earlier than others. Some never sink I guess.
It's this sad energyless aura here. It's ok, I like this aura. It's probably the 50th time I have played this song - Look What You've Done by Bread. It's not that great a song. But its kinda sad but not emotional sad, just kinda sad. I like the guitar in the start of the song. It's good. And the voice is sad but steady. David Gates I think. He's got a good voice for these kind of songs. All their songs are kinda based on love, except Guitar Man. "There is someone you ought to meet, its me Mr.Incomplete, look at what I've become". Yeah right. But not the reasons cited in the song. In the middle the song becomes loud, somewhat loud, I didnt like it the first time I heard it. And I deleted the song. But I was just singing it this morning, and I knew I had to give it another chance. And now I think that part has its own purpose, and I like it too. Wish I could play the guitar like this song, ting ting ting ting ting :(
There was another song by the same name by Jet. I didnt like that song the first few lines I heard. Usually I decide by that and I don't go on till the end. Which is a bad thing to do ofcourse. Like I totally rejected - Find the River, when I first heard the first two lines. But I reheard it a few weeks later, to find that it was right up there with my top favourite ever. So, the conclusion is, don't be judgemental. About people, about things, about life, about everything.
Talking to your ownself is like having a best friend and a real bad enemy at the same time. But I like it that way. Like those cartoons, where an angel and devil reside on the shoulders. And the devil would poke away the angel. And make you do bad things. He he. I guess that happens to everyone. The devil has his own purpose, and its not for us to drive him away, just keep him under check. What do I wanna write about? What am I writing!! I don't know...........Ahh lets sleep.....
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The Land of the Undead
Wikipedia defines undead as a collective name for mythological beings that are deceased yet behave as if alive. I hereby declare that I have officially turned undead.
It's been terribly hard to drag myself up for anything for the past few days (maybe past few months, possibly past few years). I was suppose to submit this document by the 30th of November, the non-submission of which would render my exam-result useless. But I even had no regard for that, and somehow managed to drag myself today to submit it. The lady on the counter informed me that I was 6 days late. I told her to take it anyway, and told her I was sick so I cud'nt be here earlier. Pathetic. Anyway, so this shows my complete disregard for any kind of consequences of my current actions on my future life. I think I turned crazy.
Someone from my office called me up and asked me where I was, and the only thing I could say was - Right now, I am nowhere!! I told them I have viral fever, and I am not going to come for a few days. I am just finding terribly hard to drag myself to office, and do some stupid work there. So when will I decide that my viral is over? I don't know, lets say till monday atleast. But the fact remains that I have been extremely lethargic and dead.
Everybody seems to know what they want from life, and where they are going in life, or what they think they are doing. I don't seem to know any of this. It's a completely purposeless life. There is no sense of direction, there is no sense of destination, and there is not even a sense of existence. I think I have gone crazy. I am unable to commune with normal people. What should I talk to normal people about? There is nothing to say at all.
I see these three guys in the institute wearing striped shirt and ties and shoes, talking boisterously, like all corporate employees probably do. One of them sports a goatee. Would you want a goatee? Noooo! Do you like to wear ties? Naahh I hate ties. What about striped shirts? I wouldnt look good in them. What about shoes? I havent wore shoes for almost an year now, and when I did a couple of weeks back, the back of the ankle was bleeding. So, how am I possibly going to get a good job. I don't know. It's such a stupid world anyhow, and why do I have to be part of this stupid world. Why isnt the darwin's theory working on me, lighting should have struck me by now!! Don't know how God works anyhow.
I am probably one of the hardest persons to meet. There are school friends who got annoyed by me, cos they thought I was specifically avoiding them. I wasnt really. Thats just me. I don't go out much. Its like dragging your body out. Why would you wanna meet me? What would I possibly have to tell you that could interest you and what could you possibly tell me that could interest me? And since I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, it becomes all the more painful, to drag myself to the bus stand. Sheeesh, they probably think I am a crazy studious kid. Yeah, I know thats my image, I am at home studying. Yeah sure, I can't explain and you will not understand. But who cares anymore, I am slowly learning the art of saying NO. NO! NO! NO! I refuse to go to places that make me feel stupid. I refuse to go any kind of family functions, birthday parties and stuff like that. I refuse to be a part of this world. They say refusal always results in choas, and we should accept things to be at ease. But I am somehow finding that very difficult.
These places and people make me feel uneasy. I would'nt want to tell them my crap, and so it turns out to be such a silent exercise, of watching people joke, laugh and stuff like that. Yeah, sure so why do we want me to watch this nonsense, when I could stay home and listen to music and stare at the ceiling. Thats probably better. Atleast I am not jealous of the ceiling!! I think I turned crazy. And the fact is that, I am literally undead. I have closed behind me all kind of social doors one by one. And I smell rebellion inside me. But a new place is new only for a week. Am I ready to take on this world? No!! I am not!! So what do you see then, nothing... zip... blank.... nothing. There is no commitment for anything at all.
People want to achieve a lot of things in life. They set goals for themselves. Some of us just want to achieve life I guess. To make some meaning out of this life. When you refuse to lie and the truth is not worth telling, then what do you get? You get a crazy person like me!!! Emide said I was an observer, but what good is an observer? It's not like you are doing something, is it. It's not like you are involved in something. You are just hanging around, watching the world go by. You know I fixed some deadlines last year, I was suppose to be somewhere by this year. And nothing has changed. I am going to be 24, I don't feel 24, I need some time. If you are going to be a rebel, atleast stand up to yourself, so that when you look in the mirror, you can see yourself, and not someone else.......
It's been terribly hard to drag myself up for anything for the past few days (maybe past few months, possibly past few years). I was suppose to submit this document by the 30th of November, the non-submission of which would render my exam-result useless. But I even had no regard for that, and somehow managed to drag myself today to submit it. The lady on the counter informed me that I was 6 days late. I told her to take it anyway, and told her I was sick so I cud'nt be here earlier. Pathetic. Anyway, so this shows my complete disregard for any kind of consequences of my current actions on my future life. I think I turned crazy.
Someone from my office called me up and asked me where I was, and the only thing I could say was - Right now, I am nowhere!! I told them I have viral fever, and I am not going to come for a few days. I am just finding terribly hard to drag myself to office, and do some stupid work there. So when will I decide that my viral is over? I don't know, lets say till monday atleast. But the fact remains that I have been extremely lethargic and dead.
Everybody seems to know what they want from life, and where they are going in life, or what they think they are doing. I don't seem to know any of this. It's a completely purposeless life. There is no sense of direction, there is no sense of destination, and there is not even a sense of existence. I think I have gone crazy. I am unable to commune with normal people. What should I talk to normal people about? There is nothing to say at all.
I see these three guys in the institute wearing striped shirt and ties and shoes, talking boisterously, like all corporate employees probably do. One of them sports a goatee. Would you want a goatee? Noooo! Do you like to wear ties? Naahh I hate ties. What about striped shirts? I wouldnt look good in them. What about shoes? I havent wore shoes for almost an year now, and when I did a couple of weeks back, the back of the ankle was bleeding. So, how am I possibly going to get a good job. I don't know. It's such a stupid world anyhow, and why do I have to be part of this stupid world. Why isnt the darwin's theory working on me, lighting should have struck me by now!! Don't know how God works anyhow.
I am probably one of the hardest persons to meet. There are school friends who got annoyed by me, cos they thought I was specifically avoiding them. I wasnt really. Thats just me. I don't go out much. Its like dragging your body out. Why would you wanna meet me? What would I possibly have to tell you that could interest you and what could you possibly tell me that could interest me? And since I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, it becomes all the more painful, to drag myself to the bus stand. Sheeesh, they probably think I am a crazy studious kid. Yeah, I know thats my image, I am at home studying. Yeah sure, I can't explain and you will not understand. But who cares anymore, I am slowly learning the art of saying NO. NO! NO! NO! I refuse to go to places that make me feel stupid. I refuse to go any kind of family functions, birthday parties and stuff like that. I refuse to be a part of this world. They say refusal always results in choas, and we should accept things to be at ease. But I am somehow finding that very difficult.
These places and people make me feel uneasy. I would'nt want to tell them my crap, and so it turns out to be such a silent exercise, of watching people joke, laugh and stuff like that. Yeah, sure so why do we want me to watch this nonsense, when I could stay home and listen to music and stare at the ceiling. Thats probably better. Atleast I am not jealous of the ceiling!! I think I turned crazy. And the fact is that, I am literally undead. I have closed behind me all kind of social doors one by one. And I smell rebellion inside me. But a new place is new only for a week. Am I ready to take on this world? No!! I am not!! So what do you see then, nothing... zip... blank.... nothing. There is no commitment for anything at all.
People want to achieve a lot of things in life. They set goals for themselves. Some of us just want to achieve life I guess. To make some meaning out of this life. When you refuse to lie and the truth is not worth telling, then what do you get? You get a crazy person like me!!! Emide said I was an observer, but what good is an observer? It's not like you are doing something, is it. It's not like you are involved in something. You are just hanging around, watching the world go by. You know I fixed some deadlines last year, I was suppose to be somewhere by this year. And nothing has changed. I am going to be 24, I don't feel 24, I need some time. If you are going to be a rebel, atleast stand up to yourself, so that when you look in the mirror, you can see yourself, and not someone else.......
Friday, November 30, 2007
Book Review : Digital Fortress
It's Dan Brown folks, what did you expect - Jules Verne!!! First of all when I first ever heard the title Digital Fortress, the image in my head somehow was of a fortress floating in the sky, with the ultimate technology protecting some "Holy" secret that could devastate the world. Kind of like the S.H.I.E.L.D. Base, if you are a Marvel fan. But unfortunately there is no such floating fortress. Though to be fair to the book, the title isn't misplaced.
So what's different in this Dan Brown book from his other books. First of all, he is just a novelist, and you just consider his genre before actually criticizing him. I think this book was written way before Da Vinci Code, because otherwise Leonardo DA Vinci would have paid us a visit in this book too. Yes, there is no religious conspiracy angle to the story. It's actually a pretty geeky story.
The plot revolves around basically two parties - M/s Susan Fletcher & Strathmore, and David Becker & the Spaniards. The first page features lines like - "Susan moaned Sensuously", and you wonder if you picked up the wrong book from the stand. There is this top secret US organisation called NSA (not to be confused with NASA) which is the big daddy of the Internet, and the story is based on internal staff bickering. Yes, its as simple as that. Disgruntled employees unleashing viruses, stealing data, and not following instructions. This could happen to any organisation, but this ofcourse is the NSA!! The other half of the story is a ring chase, which you can skip over at times. Half way through the story you realise Strathmore isn't as clean as he seems, the typical detective story unobvious villain. And the story is pretty weary in the second half, and you wonder when is this going to end. Not to forget the whole cast of NSA employees we are introduced to in the latter half, remembering the names of which was terribly hard for me, so I kept going back. But Dan Brown was really helpful too by having names like HULOHOT and JABBA. Oh come on, you forgot Jabba the Hutt, the fat slurpy wormy mafia boss from Star Wars!!
Anyhow, moving on, I have always wondered why Dan Brown is always so keen to tell everything. I always thought good writers are the ones that withhold stuff from the readers. Every now and then, the story would come to a standstill, with one of the characters having a brain snap, and a page of wikipedia would open before you, with all the facts. It's almost like he's tempting the readers to actually go and verify the facts themselves. Anyhow, so finally in the end a password needs to be found out and for once you are not stopping a bomb from exploding, just protecting the firewall from crashing, and data being stolen (told you geeky) and finally the world is saved, and girl gets guy, and blah blah blah, all is well. The end.
It's not actually the worst of books. It's a good book to read if you are travelling in a bus or train, or the inflight movie doesnt suit you. But otherwise if you are just in the house, then I say Hardy Boys make for a better detective read than this stuff. Oh and yeah, if you had to pick up one line from the book to remember it would have to be - Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes, or in english - Who will Guard the Guards. Pretty cool huh!! Yeah, way to go Dan Brown, I would give him 2 out of 5, not bad!!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Rubik's Cube
A Rubik's Cube!! I always had a fancy for one of these but I dont know why I never had one before. Maybe I havent bought a toy for long I guess. So off we're going to bhutan and I buy this russian cube (ok I didnt know it was called rubik's cube), and then I realise this thing seems impossible to solve. Didnt spend much time on it either. It's a mathematical toy, and I kinda have this image of it being at every programmer's desk, twisting it around as he unravels the coding!! Must have seen that in some movie, I'm sure.
So there was this Hungarian Inventor- Erno Rubik. And he made this toy around in the 1970's. The Rubik's cube has more than a trillion possible permutations and combinations, but only ONE correct solution, thats what makes it special I guess. I am surely not smart enough to figure out a solution on my own. But then what is the internet for!!
The Internet if used properly has the solution to everything these days. So first I read bit, but couldnt really understand what they were trying to say. But then this youtube video makes things clear. It took me nearly 2 hours to solve it the first time. And I was somehow messing things up all the time. But last night I reduced it to 10 mins!!! Thats amazing. This one is cheap, so takes effort to move around, and I am sure If I had a good quality one, I could reduce the time further.
So what does solving this bring me? I don't know, maybe I thought that after solving it, it would open up and out will come some kind of treasure!! Yeah, thats what should have happened really. For the believers anyhow. But still it gives me bragging rights!! And yeah I hope to remember the Algorithm for fun. But the why have I been solving one of these even in my dreams?? Thats creepy, so I should stop with this thing now.
So, I kinda summarised the whole algorithm like this for me
U = Up, R = Right, L = Left, D = Down, F = Forward, I = Inverted
Step 1 : First get the top layer, choose any center colour and make a top cross, using FI, U, LI, UI. Then get the top corners using RI, DI, R, D.
Step 2 : Next go for the middle layer by inverting the cube, this algorithm is difficult if u look at it, but I got the logic embedded in my mind for this, so I dont have to write it. You start by moving the top, and then either the left or the right, and then reverse the top, and then reverse the left/right, and then top again, and forward, and then u can actually see what to do, so I never memorized that.
Step 3 : Next its the bottom layer. Now this is the tough part, and I am still screwing it up more often then not. There a lot of steps, some may not always be needed, depending on how the cube turns out for u.
First, we need a cross for the bottom layer (inverted cube), by using F,R,U,RI,UI,FI.
Thats easy to remember FRURUF, with the latter half inverted.
Next, we need the cross to be proper with the sides, using R,U,RI,U,R,U,U,RI. Again easy to remember its just RURURUUR, with U's never inverted and R's inverted alternatively.
Next, we need the corner's to be proper with the sides, using U,R,UI,LI,U,RI,UI,L. This one is tricky, but remember as URUL URUL. With U's alternatively inverting, and R's and L's are going up and then back down.
Then finally, its the last thing to do, the corners need to be rightly faced. SO use it earlier easy Algo - RI,DI,R,D.
Sounds complicated but gets the job done usually. But somehow I am still messing up. I dont know why. Maybe I skip one move somewhere. So here is to Erno Rubik for making such a wonderful toy!!!
Friday, November 09, 2007
Exam & Holiday Log
There was this episode in Alladin, where there is a desert pirate who is chasing a desert whale monster, and at the end he catches it and then he lets it go. And in a later episode he finds that the monster has been killed, and he has nothing to do any longer.
I wouldnt say that I miss the monster in my case, but still its like a monster dead. I have been doing this forever. I started out way back in June 2002, when I had cleared my 12th. Over the years, I have always disliked the whole studying process in CA. And there was a time in 2004, when I thought I was gonna quit, but unluckily I passed and had to go on.
The exams were pretty good uptil today. I knew last night at around 11pm that I was dead. I had left too much of the course for luck. Well, atleast I got the invigilator all curious by my antics. Banging my head down at regular intervals in comical frustration, she was observing me all the time. Hehehe. Plus all those funny emotions I can generate on my face, of anguish, pain, amazement and laughter while writing the exam all adds up.
The first exam, I took out my watch from the pocket only to find that it wasnt working. And I let out a semi-loud laughter. Boy, I seem to be talking to myself a lot lately. Just as the exam was to start the National Anthem started in the school, and my first instinct was to stand up, but it happens sometimes that u get stuck and don't move up even when you want to. Only one girl was standing from all of us CA students, what a shame. Really brave and decisive of her too.
And the first exam turned out to be so easy. It was one of those exams that are so easy that you're afraid you will mess them up. And then the second one was a typical MICS exam. And the third one was the most intense exam, where its sometimes a hard paper overall but you seem to have studied all the right things and you're just overflowing with the answers. Hard to control that. And then the last was as I said before. I was ticking off as usual the marks I covered, I think I knew only 62% of the paper.
Well what did we do in all these 3 and a half months. Technically it was only one month really. Cos the DT classes ended on 24th september. Well lets see, I finished two rpg games, chrono cross and final fantasy 8. Chrono Cross story can make CA study look easy. It's probably the most complicated story ever of a computer game. I mean if have tried to explain the story to myself but failed, so you can imagine what it is like. An average sequel to an amazing game.
Then there was final fantasy 8. If I told someone from those giving the exams that I finished Final Fantasy 8 (like they know what that is) at 1 a.m. on the 3rd November, then no one would believe me. But that was the case, at exact 1.30 am on 3rd November, the ending credits of the game rolled down. I only have one word to say for the same - YUCK!!! But then why did I finish it at 1.30 3 days before my exam? I don't know!! I guess I just had to find out how horrible it was. A Game that is based on a crappy love story! Oh man! I would really hate girls like Rinoa in real life too. I just loved that song - Eyes on Me, but by playing that game that song has been desecrated. It was actually one of the first things I did after I finished the game, delete the Eyes on Me video from my mobile.
Ok so didnt we study?? Well I did and whenever I did it was really intense stuff. I mean how I pulled off Operational Research was amazing. And how I used the internet in my studies was amazing. When I couldnt get that simplex problem, I searched out the net for a question like that. Finally I discovered that my notes had mislead me. And then the time when we linked all of Income Tax beautifully. I loved doing that too. I mean yeah sure, I don't like CA as a whole, but some parts are really logical and good. And if we work hard at anything we're bound to do well. If I fail, which is quite likely cos of the last exams, one can look back and say that you failed cos you were playing computer games at night. But I know that I tried really hard in patches too, but just like Nathan Astle said on his retirement - the intensity wasnt the same.
Well there are no more classes to run to now. I still have to finish my training and I think I ate too many chocolates and put on some weight, so I gotta shed that too! Hehehe! And well, I hope I find the pencils soon, and then yeah will buy loads of books when I get back. I also kinda ended up cutting up myself off from almost everyone. That I dont really care anymore about. I know I have been angry at my efforts but then I was thinking would I trade off being me for something more social? And the answer was - Are you kidding, no way!!!!!
I wouldnt say that I miss the monster in my case, but still its like a monster dead. I have been doing this forever. I started out way back in June 2002, when I had cleared my 12th. Over the years, I have always disliked the whole studying process in CA. And there was a time in 2004, when I thought I was gonna quit, but unluckily I passed and had to go on.
The exams were pretty good uptil today. I knew last night at around 11pm that I was dead. I had left too much of the course for luck. Well, atleast I got the invigilator all curious by my antics. Banging my head down at regular intervals in comical frustration, she was observing me all the time. Hehehe. Plus all those funny emotions I can generate on my face, of anguish, pain, amazement and laughter while writing the exam all adds up.
The first exam, I took out my watch from the pocket only to find that it wasnt working. And I let out a semi-loud laughter. Boy, I seem to be talking to myself a lot lately. Just as the exam was to start the National Anthem started in the school, and my first instinct was to stand up, but it happens sometimes that u get stuck and don't move up even when you want to. Only one girl was standing from all of us CA students, what a shame. Really brave and decisive of her too.
And the first exam turned out to be so easy. It was one of those exams that are so easy that you're afraid you will mess them up. And then the second one was a typical MICS exam. And the third one was the most intense exam, where its sometimes a hard paper overall but you seem to have studied all the right things and you're just overflowing with the answers. Hard to control that. And then the last was as I said before. I was ticking off as usual the marks I covered, I think I knew only 62% of the paper.
Well what did we do in all these 3 and a half months. Technically it was only one month really. Cos the DT classes ended on 24th september. Well lets see, I finished two rpg games, chrono cross and final fantasy 8. Chrono Cross story can make CA study look easy. It's probably the most complicated story ever of a computer game. I mean if have tried to explain the story to myself but failed, so you can imagine what it is like. An average sequel to an amazing game.
Then there was final fantasy 8. If I told someone from those giving the exams that I finished Final Fantasy 8 (like they know what that is) at 1 a.m. on the 3rd November, then no one would believe me. But that was the case, at exact 1.30 am on 3rd November, the ending credits of the game rolled down. I only have one word to say for the same - YUCK!!! But then why did I finish it at 1.30 3 days before my exam? I don't know!! I guess I just had to find out how horrible it was. A Game that is based on a crappy love story! Oh man! I would really hate girls like Rinoa in real life too. I just loved that song - Eyes on Me, but by playing that game that song has been desecrated. It was actually one of the first things I did after I finished the game, delete the Eyes on Me video from my mobile.
Ok so didnt we study?? Well I did and whenever I did it was really intense stuff. I mean how I pulled off Operational Research was amazing. And how I used the internet in my studies was amazing. When I couldnt get that simplex problem, I searched out the net for a question like that. Finally I discovered that my notes had mislead me. And then the time when we linked all of Income Tax beautifully. I loved doing that too. I mean yeah sure, I don't like CA as a whole, but some parts are really logical and good. And if we work hard at anything we're bound to do well. If I fail, which is quite likely cos of the last exams, one can look back and say that you failed cos you were playing computer games at night. But I know that I tried really hard in patches too, but just like Nathan Astle said on his retirement - the intensity wasnt the same.
Well there are no more classes to run to now. I still have to finish my training and I think I ate too many chocolates and put on some weight, so I gotta shed that too! Hehehe! And well, I hope I find the pencils soon, and then yeah will buy loads of books when I get back. I also kinda ended up cutting up myself off from almost everyone. That I dont really care anymore about. I know I have been angry at my efforts but then I was thinking would I trade off being me for something more social? And the answer was - Are you kidding, no way!!!!!
Friday, November 02, 2007
Haunted ??
Hmmmmmm, ummmmmmmmmm, --------------------, I am in troubled waters again. Oh no.....Why do I have to be stuck always at the same point in life over and over again. Damn! The world has just raced so far ahead....
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, wasted 3 months of my life once more.... Great! Absolutely amazing. Knew it, realisation would always come now. Always! Always! Always! I am not ready once more. I am not ready. I am never ready for life, I will never be.......
I am just another liar.... there are no wings, there were never meant to be any...
We're Just Two Lost Souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found?
The same old fears
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, wasted 3 months of my life once more.... Great! Absolutely amazing. Knew it, realisation would always come now. Always! Always! Always! I am not ready once more. I am not ready. I am never ready for life, I will never be.......
I am just another liar.... there are no wings, there were never meant to be any...
We're Just Two Lost Souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found?
The same old fears
Friday, October 12, 2007
Cinematic Side-Effects
I watch a lot of english movies. Mostly on television, and quite a lot of them. So its this effect that movies often leave us with, though mostly for just a short span of time.
The "Rocky-Effect" - Oh God! You watch this movie, and you feel like you have to start exercising somehow!! If he can do it, so can we!! Yeah! Straight to exercising after closing down the television. No more cola, chips and junk food. We gotta have some abs!! Gotta wake up at 6am. The alarms rings for sure, but who can get up at 6am. And when we get up at 8 or 9am, and we tell ourselves - Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. So, this one pretty much gets dropped out after a week or so.
The Motivational Movies effect - These are the people rising from the ordinary to do something extraordinary. And the nominees for this category are - Jerry Maguire, Lakshya, The Insider, A Beautiful Mind etc.etc. Even rocky can be strictly classified here. These movies leave you with a feeling that you gotta do something worth remembering in your life. Ehhhhh, lets move on to the next.
The Love Effect - Hehehe! Movies that leave you wondering, would there ever be such dramatic love in your life. Would you cross the boundaries of time to meet your love - Kate and Leopold. Why didnt you fall in true love at the age on 12 - Sweet Home Alabama. Who would you return to meet if you died this instant - Ghost. Well many more to name them actually but they all make you feel the same sometimes - trashy. Hmmmm, well, yeah, whatever.
And then you got movies that have specific triggers. For example - watching con movies makes me think why didnt I take up science as a subject, I think I got most qualities right to be a hacker or a survelliance guy. And how about space movies where I wish I was some how involved in searching out alien life forms in the universe (CONTACT), or even being a space scientist. Well time's up. I gotta go, will try to think about them and finish this later.
The "Rocky-Effect" - Oh God! You watch this movie, and you feel like you have to start exercising somehow!! If he can do it, so can we!! Yeah! Straight to exercising after closing down the television. No more cola, chips and junk food. We gotta have some abs!! Gotta wake up at 6am. The alarms rings for sure, but who can get up at 6am. And when we get up at 8 or 9am, and we tell ourselves - Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. So, this one pretty much gets dropped out after a week or so.
The Motivational Movies effect - These are the people rising from the ordinary to do something extraordinary. And the nominees for this category are - Jerry Maguire, Lakshya, The Insider, A Beautiful Mind etc.etc. Even rocky can be strictly classified here. These movies leave you with a feeling that you gotta do something worth remembering in your life. Ehhhhh, lets move on to the next.
The Love Effect - Hehehe! Movies that leave you wondering, would there ever be such dramatic love in your life. Would you cross the boundaries of time to meet your love - Kate and Leopold. Why didnt you fall in true love at the age on 12 - Sweet Home Alabama. Who would you return to meet if you died this instant - Ghost. Well many more to name them actually but they all make you feel the same sometimes - trashy. Hmmmm, well, yeah, whatever.
And then you got movies that have specific triggers. For example - watching con movies makes me think why didnt I take up science as a subject, I think I got most qualities right to be a hacker or a survelliance guy. And how about space movies where I wish I was some how involved in searching out alien life forms in the universe (CONTACT), or even being a space scientist. Well time's up. I gotta go, will try to think about them and finish this later.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
INFERNAL HELL
(I wrote this on a dark night, and its allegorical in a way, and I think I know what it means, but to what extent. I think I got the music for it too, and if I ever learn the guitar or the piano then I know how to tune this)
No, This is Not the End of this World
Maybe Just a Catastrophic Swirl
Receeding Into Shadowy Realms
Crawling Back to the Deep Infernal Hell
No, This is Not Where Everything is Going to End
Maybe Just Going to Curve and Bend
But as you Bend While you Mend
And you Ascend to Unbend
Cease to Crawl as you Stall
There is a Mighty Big Wall
Could You Not be Back on Your Feet
Then we'll go up the Concrete
But I Just Saw a Massive Army Waiting on the Top
Screaming Shouting Crying Demons, Don't They Ever Stop
But You Stop, And You Drop
And You Look Into Know What
And You Gaze, You're Amazed
Looks Like There is to be no Escape
But, This is Not the End of this World
Maybe Just a Catastrophic Swirl
Receeding Into Shadowy Realms
Crawling Back to the Deep Infernal Hell
And, Crawl Back to Your Deep Infernal Hell....
No, This is Not the End of this World
Maybe Just a Catastrophic Swirl
Receeding Into Shadowy Realms
Crawling Back to the Deep Infernal Hell
No, This is Not Where Everything is Going to End
Maybe Just Going to Curve and Bend
But as you Bend While you Mend
And you Ascend to Unbend
Cease to Crawl as you Stall
There is a Mighty Big Wall
Could You Not be Back on Your Feet
Then we'll go up the Concrete
But I Just Saw a Massive Army Waiting on the Top
Screaming Shouting Crying Demons, Don't They Ever Stop
But You Stop, And You Drop
And You Look Into Know What
And You Gaze, You're Amazed
Looks Like There is to be no Escape
But, This is Not the End of this World
Maybe Just a Catastrophic Swirl
Receeding Into Shadowy Realms
Crawling Back to the Deep Infernal Hell
And, Crawl Back to Your Deep Infernal Hell....
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Rat Chase!!!!!!
(Advisory : This Blog is best read while listening to the song - Johnny B.Goode)
A sunday morning, and a splittling headache. Oh God! I don't even drink and I have such hangovers!! :) And I lay quietly listening to Keane and Pink Floyd. But there is a lay that says that a still body can't stay still for a long time. And thats it, I was called on my our cleaning maid - Sonia. Her name, is a source of constant taunting my cousin, whose girlfriend's name is the same. But this is not her story.
So with bleary eyes I went to see what this was about. She pointed out that a mouse was dead. She was pointing towards something, but I cudnt make out any mouse down there. Sure! I wasnt wearing my glasses. But I bent down to see, and indeed a mouse lay still there. Oh God! Why does this have to happen when I am alone at home. So unwillingly I went to get a broom (Jhadu). And so the plan was to move the mouse into the dustpan, and I throw it out. Ewwww.
As I tapped the still mouse with the broom, she said that it's still alive. But I am sure I didnt see it move. Sure! I wasnt wearing glasses!!! But still I went ahead with my plan, and the mouse zipped to a nearby corner. OK! It's a live mouse! She suggested why dont I pick up the mouse and throw it out. I looked at her as if she was speaking in some other language. Me! Hold a mouse!! I guess she understood what was going inside my head by the look in my face.
And then she tried to do something that I thought even she was incapable to do. She tried to grab the mouse by the tail! Hehehe! That was funny. The mouse just jumped and ran into the bathroom. And she darted into the bathroom to chase it out. I looked on eagerly! Hehe! And there was the mouse! And lo presto, our big dinosaur friend, the lizard, was on the wall near it. Oh-oh! I hoped the lizard wudnt gulp down the mouse. That would be a bad sight to see, early morning. But she shooed away the lizard. And then this crazy rat chase began. From the bathroom to the kitchen, and then even though the doors of the living room was closed, it slipped into the main room. And then, as we tried to search it out with torch and brooms, the mouse had seemingly vanished.
And then I suggested that we give up the hunt. I didnt have my glasses put on, and I was sure I wasnt gonna be able to stop the mouse in a dark corner. And then just as I sat reading the newspaper, the mouse limped out, and was going straight towards the door. He just needed to be pushed along his way out. And yayyyy! He's gone! Thank God for that! Hehehe! Mice are really funny. And when we have see these two mice running around in our home, chasing each other in almost in cartoon fashion, skidding as the turn while running, it always makes me wonder why they are chasing each other. Maybe I will catch one, and divulge this out of him one day. But that's for another day. Phew!
A sunday morning, and a splittling headache. Oh God! I don't even drink and I have such hangovers!! :) And I lay quietly listening to Keane and Pink Floyd. But there is a lay that says that a still body can't stay still for a long time. And thats it, I was called on my our cleaning maid - Sonia. Her name, is a source of constant taunting my cousin, whose girlfriend's name is the same. But this is not her story.
So with bleary eyes I went to see what this was about. She pointed out that a mouse was dead. She was pointing towards something, but I cudnt make out any mouse down there. Sure! I wasnt wearing my glasses. But I bent down to see, and indeed a mouse lay still there. Oh God! Why does this have to happen when I am alone at home. So unwillingly I went to get a broom (Jhadu). And so the plan was to move the mouse into the dustpan, and I throw it out. Ewwww.
As I tapped the still mouse with the broom, she said that it's still alive. But I am sure I didnt see it move. Sure! I wasnt wearing glasses!!! But still I went ahead with my plan, and the mouse zipped to a nearby corner. OK! It's a live mouse! She suggested why dont I pick up the mouse and throw it out. I looked at her as if she was speaking in some other language. Me! Hold a mouse!! I guess she understood what was going inside my head by the look in my face.
And then she tried to do something that I thought even she was incapable to do. She tried to grab the mouse by the tail! Hehehe! That was funny. The mouse just jumped and ran into the bathroom. And she darted into the bathroom to chase it out. I looked on eagerly! Hehe! And there was the mouse! And lo presto, our big dinosaur friend, the lizard, was on the wall near it. Oh-oh! I hoped the lizard wudnt gulp down the mouse. That would be a bad sight to see, early morning. But she shooed away the lizard. And then this crazy rat chase began. From the bathroom to the kitchen, and then even though the doors of the living room was closed, it slipped into the main room. And then, as we tried to search it out with torch and brooms, the mouse had seemingly vanished.
And then I suggested that we give up the hunt. I didnt have my glasses put on, and I was sure I wasnt gonna be able to stop the mouse in a dark corner. And then just as I sat reading the newspaper, the mouse limped out, and was going straight towards the door. He just needed to be pushed along his way out. And yayyyy! He's gone! Thank God for that! Hehehe! Mice are really funny. And when we have see these two mice running around in our home, chasing each other in almost in cartoon fashion, skidding as the turn while running, it always makes me wonder why they are chasing each other. Maybe I will catch one, and divulge this out of him one day. But that's for another day. Phew!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Slow Destruction of a Slow Moving Object
I was searching for the words - "Dead End" on google when I stumbled upon a page which was quite empty and yet these words were there on it which made me realise some things : -
"The End of the Internet
Congratulations! This is the last page.
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.
You must now turn off your computer and go do something productive."
Well yes the end of the internet. It's a net, with links, with each link you fall deeper into the rabbit hole, and where is the way out? Maybe some way out if one can find it. For those like me, it's a black hole, sucking away whats left of me, and its like those myriad creatures Pink Floyd talks about which are trying to tie us to the ground. While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistable pastime....
Why I am here? What am I looking for? What am I constantly searching? Who are the people here? I don't know why I am here....Where else would I rather be. I don't know...There is no where else to go I suppose. I havent been to too many places. Its like living a life in a bubble. And when the bubble bursts you dont have oxygen to breathe. I have always passed opportunities of living....And so no one else can be held responsible for that.
And in the end, its only round and round,and round....So what is here that we keep coming back for? It's not like anyone here would have a magic wand to solve your problems. And besides do you even know what your problem is? Its just a state of mind, its a just being dead. And the dead can only take people to the graveyard. Would you wanna take others to the graveyard with you??? Nooooo....I would wanna read a book maybe, but I dont have any. I feel so lethargic. I dont want to read a PDF book. I cant do that. I dont have the energy to do that. If someone could just give me the book - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. When was the last time you read a book without stopping?? Ummmm maybe Frankenstein, or alchemist, or DA Vinci Code....It's been long....
We have exams to give, and maybe a life to live. I wanna learn the guitar someday. I wanna build a Kaleidoscope one day. I wanna have a pet turtle one day. Life's running out though. Do you have the energy to do that rather than just keep thinking abt it? I doubt it......The Silence is just growing on me, and you can see it too. I am just not doing anything, and hence I am not able to talk abt anything. Am I wasting my life? I am....
Joining orkut last year was probably one of the horriblest thing ever. Seeing all those bright lives jsut evoked feelings that I cannot possibly comprehend. Don't look into other people's albums, they have Quad Bikes in them, and happy smiling friends, and things that you possibly cannot understand. You wont understand, how is to be caught between two worlds and you belong to neither of them, and then you go nowhere, stuck right there in nowhere. I can't explain, you will not understand, this is not how I am....Have I become comfortably numb?
It was that Quad Bike Picture that triggered the deletion of my orkut profile. I am most certain of this fact. But why? I dont understand that....That's not a world a belong to anyhow. No, but it wasnt like jealousy, it was more like, what have I got to show for 23 years of life? Nothing? And what abt the world that I possibly could have been part of? Well that was my personal decision or rather lack of energy drive to be friends with people whom I knew, but somehow I would rather know from far away ....so its all my fault again, like always ....And then why do we seek something when you don't even want to keep it?? I don't know.....Keep erring kiddo...
"The End of the Internet
Congratulations! This is the last page.
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.
You must now turn off your computer and go do something productive."
Well yes the end of the internet. It's a net, with links, with each link you fall deeper into the rabbit hole, and where is the way out? Maybe some way out if one can find it. For those like me, it's a black hole, sucking away whats left of me, and its like those myriad creatures Pink Floyd talks about which are trying to tie us to the ground. While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistable pastime....
Why I am here? What am I looking for? What am I constantly searching? Who are the people here? I don't know why I am here....Where else would I rather be. I don't know...There is no where else to go I suppose. I havent been to too many places. Its like living a life in a bubble. And when the bubble bursts you dont have oxygen to breathe. I have always passed opportunities of living....And so no one else can be held responsible for that.
And in the end, its only round and round,and round....So what is here that we keep coming back for? It's not like anyone here would have a magic wand to solve your problems. And besides do you even know what your problem is? Its just a state of mind, its a just being dead. And the dead can only take people to the graveyard. Would you wanna take others to the graveyard with you??? Nooooo....I would wanna read a book maybe, but I dont have any. I feel so lethargic. I dont want to read a PDF book. I cant do that. I dont have the energy to do that. If someone could just give me the book - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. When was the last time you read a book without stopping?? Ummmm maybe Frankenstein, or alchemist, or DA Vinci Code....It's been long....
We have exams to give, and maybe a life to live. I wanna learn the guitar someday. I wanna build a Kaleidoscope one day. I wanna have a pet turtle one day. Life's running out though. Do you have the energy to do that rather than just keep thinking abt it? I doubt it......The Silence is just growing on me, and you can see it too. I am just not doing anything, and hence I am not able to talk abt anything. Am I wasting my life? I am....
Joining orkut last year was probably one of the horriblest thing ever. Seeing all those bright lives jsut evoked feelings that I cannot possibly comprehend. Don't look into other people's albums, they have Quad Bikes in them, and happy smiling friends, and things that you possibly cannot understand. You wont understand, how is to be caught between two worlds and you belong to neither of them, and then you go nowhere, stuck right there in nowhere. I can't explain, you will not understand, this is not how I am....Have I become comfortably numb?
It was that Quad Bike Picture that triggered the deletion of my orkut profile. I am most certain of this fact. But why? I dont understand that....That's not a world a belong to anyhow. No, but it wasnt like jealousy, it was more like, what have I got to show for 23 years of life? Nothing? And what abt the world that I possibly could have been part of? Well that was my personal decision or rather lack of energy drive to be friends with people whom I knew, but somehow I would rather know from far away ....so its all my fault again, like always ....And then why do we seek something when you don't even want to keep it?? I don't know.....Keep erring kiddo...
Sunday, August 12, 2007
God in a Box
(This is a fictional story and any characters that have any sort of resembalance to any person dead or alive is a mere coincidence and never intended by the writer)
God in a box watches this world....
My head is spinning. Or the room is spinning. Or maybe the whole world is spinning. I haven't been to work for 6 days now. My mobile has ran out of power after the barrage of missed calls and messages from them. The last one I read yesterday was maybe - "Ur fired if u don't show up today". Why haven't I got up today?
God in a box runs this world....
Why havent things changed all these years? Why am I asking myself such questions? The landline phone is ringing, I havent picked it up for 3 days now. Last time around it was my mother, she wanted to know why I havent been replying to any of their calls or messages and why haven't I come home. I don't quite know why. Empty beer bottles on the floor are staring at me. Last sunday was it? Yes....I suppose, I have lost count of days now. The shopkeeper was surprised too. He's probably never seen me picking up beer...
God in a box guards over us....
Scenes from a movie. No....It's more like a distant past. I think so. Maybe....
A girl - You know what.....I think I love you...
A boy - Ok.
A girl - ok? Is that all?
A boy - What am I suppose to say?
A girl - I....nothing I guess.....
A girl - I love you!
A boy - Are you sure?
A girl - I am sure, are you not sure?
A boy - I don't know....What if it's not love and just some temporary phase...
A girl - I don't know....
A boy - I am not ready for love....I need to find about my life first.....
A girl - I am sorry, I was just kidding....
A boy - Yeah, thank god! You got me there for a moment....
And then darkness faded over, and I cud'nt quite see the girl and the boy. Who were they? There's still some beer left in that bottle, but its too far, I can't move...I need to stand up and turn the light on. Stop this madness. You've gone too far. Return to the sensible world. What would the neighbours think? Get up....wash ur face....
God in the box makes us stand....
I can't get up...But I have to. I somehow make it to the mirror. It's dark. But there's light streaming into the room. I can see my face, but I don't really recognize it anymore. I look hard into my eye, is there anyone still there. Don't help them to bury the light, don't give in without a fight. Noooo, what am I fighting for....I turn on the light, I haven't seen light for days now I suppose.
God in a box gives us hope.....
Maybe I can find her, and she can help me understand. It's been five years. I haven't talked to her in five years now. I need to drive over to her place....I am in no condition to drive...I think I can....I check my clothes....I wash my face, I stare at my face.....I get the keys....I lock the door....I walk down the stairs....
God in a box forgives us.....
I haven't driven for days now. Can I handle this thing? I can, I think so.... Illuminated roads, illuminated cars, illuminated souls? Everyone is rushing back to get somewhere...Home? Yes home definetely. Where's my home? I could'nt call that my home, and I could either call that my home. Strange isnt it. I am getting old and I need something to rely on. Why are these songs troubling me? Just get them out of my head please...
I have been driving for almost an hour, and here I am. This is supposed to be it. That's her apartment. It's festive season. Lights all around. Not my lights though. Isnt it amazing that sometimes you can run the whole 99 miles, but at the last mile you stop and wonder - why exactly am I here? Makes no sense. Butterflies in my stomach. What if she's not here anymore? What if she doesnt even remember me? What if she's married by now? She said - "whenever in your life you get drunk, you call me up!" I promised that and I am just keeping a promise I suppose...
God in a box is trapped in the box??
I ring the bell? Will it be her? I dont know! Butterflies....No....It's someone else.....It's her parents.....She's died six days back....
God in a box is not in the box......
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Wrecking the Life : Fault Finding and Much More
This Sunday I saw Gandhi My Father. A movie which looks behind the public life of M.K.Gandhi and looks into his personal failures as a family man. The movie was pretty nice and emotional. A sad tale of a life gone wrong. A Life Gone Wrong.....I think I want to analyse these words in coming days too...
Midway through the movie, my cousin remarked to me that Isko dekh kar chacha ki yaad aa rahi hai (Seeing this reminds him of my father)! I cudnt agree more....Almost throughout the movie I was trying to glance at my brother's face, who was sitting a few seats to my right. I wondered if he thought the same thing I did...I don't really know.
Gandhi never really understood his kids, and it made for a tragic family story, and he is said to have renounced his family!!! Can you do that?? I wonder....
Well, being a good person is never the same as being a good parent. Though it probably gives you some score, but that's just not it. It takes a lot of skill. Papa always failed to understand either of us. And he always kinda pushed us back, telling us we can't do this, we can't do that. And never kinda encouraged us to do something new, something good. I think whatever good we were capable of doing as kids died way back then.
It wasn't sort of a fear or anything from his side. But I dont know if it makes sense, but it was a feeling of not upsetting him by our actions. Not that he ever got angry or anything. Infact I have hardly ever seen my father angry, I have seen him upset, but never angry. He never kinda was happy with our achievement nor was he sad at our failures. Ummm, he kinda never really tried to reach out. I think its easy to say kids lose their way cos of bad company but I think its a parenting failure. Well thats a debate that has been for a long time, and I am nobody to deliver the final verdict.
If I could ever go back into time, I would like to go back to 1993 and start all over from there, and maybe I would try to fix up things that went wrong. Maybe I learnt from my brother's experiments from life, and I completely closed up on life. I just hope everything goes well for him, and I got a super friend in God to pull me up whenever I am at the lowest, so I think I can survive. Just hope for the best :)
Midway through the movie, my cousin remarked to me that Isko dekh kar chacha ki yaad aa rahi hai (Seeing this reminds him of my father)! I cudnt agree more....Almost throughout the movie I was trying to glance at my brother's face, who was sitting a few seats to my right. I wondered if he thought the same thing I did...I don't really know.
Gandhi never really understood his kids, and it made for a tragic family story, and he is said to have renounced his family!!! Can you do that?? I wonder....
Well, being a good person is never the same as being a good parent. Though it probably gives you some score, but that's just not it. It takes a lot of skill. Papa always failed to understand either of us. And he always kinda pushed us back, telling us we can't do this, we can't do that. And never kinda encouraged us to do something new, something good. I think whatever good we were capable of doing as kids died way back then.
It wasn't sort of a fear or anything from his side. But I dont know if it makes sense, but it was a feeling of not upsetting him by our actions. Not that he ever got angry or anything. Infact I have hardly ever seen my father angry, I have seen him upset, but never angry. He never kinda was happy with our achievement nor was he sad at our failures. Ummm, he kinda never really tried to reach out. I think its easy to say kids lose their way cos of bad company but I think its a parenting failure. Well thats a debate that has been for a long time, and I am nobody to deliver the final verdict.
If I could ever go back into time, I would like to go back to 1993 and start all over from there, and maybe I would try to fix up things that went wrong. Maybe I learnt from my brother's experiments from life, and I completely closed up on life. I just hope everything goes well for him, and I got a super friend in God to pull me up whenever I am at the lowest, so I think I can survive. Just hope for the best :)
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Urban Lore of Luck & Life
(Caution : If you see a pattern in the following then do not assume that they have occurred to you immediately. They might have, they might not have, think abt it!)
1.Whenever you are waiting on the bus stop for a bus (what else!), and a jam packed bus comes, then if you somehow get on it then as soon as you buy the ticket, what you would see is another bus going to the same destination coming from behind which is relatively empty. However, if you do not enter into this jam packed bus, then you could spend the next half-hour waiting for an empty bus, but it won't show up.
2.Somehow, whenever you are waiting for a bus, the bus you want to board never seems to stop at the bus stop you are standing on, and when you board that bus, it seems to stop at every bus stop (stops sometimes without a bus stop). That's the On-the-bus-off-the-bus syndrome. Its somewhat similar to the relativity theory.
3.Whenever you think you've got everything under control in life, just then everything is going to get really out of control. And you would be left wondering why you even had that thought.
4.Whenever you think (night time is good for thinking) that a particular person has been really nice to you, or you have really good thoughts about a person and how he/she makes you smile, the following day or the week to come, that person will seriously challenge your opinions, and you would be ultimately forced to have a re-think. I think this law really makes me wonder that should we be forming opinions about people.
5.If you do some work right on the first attempt, people will always think it was easy. Somehow no matter how you made a complex work simple by using common sense, the boss would always seem to favour the person who made the simple work complex with his complete idiocy.
6.On days you would turn up before anyone else in the office, the boss would always arrive late. And on days when you turn up late, you would always find the boss waiting for you!!
7.Somehow people would'nt laugh at your jokes (no matter how good they r), and they would be laughing at pathetic jokes of other people, just cos they seem to have some face value!!
8.(This is not personal at all) Girls would somehow pick up guys on face value, no matter when they open their mouth, you immediately know that I would rather not be in their shoes :)
9.Somehow whenever you think you're gonna start studying seriously, something happens that detours your studying routine such as a family function, or something similar.
Life is grossly unfair, but no body ever said it was gonna be fair! And If I can remember more of such events I swear to keep updating this list!
1.Whenever you are waiting on the bus stop for a bus (what else!), and a jam packed bus comes, then if you somehow get on it then as soon as you buy the ticket, what you would see is another bus going to the same destination coming from behind which is relatively empty. However, if you do not enter into this jam packed bus, then you could spend the next half-hour waiting for an empty bus, but it won't show up.
2.Somehow, whenever you are waiting for a bus, the bus you want to board never seems to stop at the bus stop you are standing on, and when you board that bus, it seems to stop at every bus stop (stops sometimes without a bus stop). That's the On-the-bus-off-the-bus syndrome. Its somewhat similar to the relativity theory.
3.Whenever you think you've got everything under control in life, just then everything is going to get really out of control. And you would be left wondering why you even had that thought.
4.Whenever you think (night time is good for thinking) that a particular person has been really nice to you, or you have really good thoughts about a person and how he/she makes you smile, the following day or the week to come, that person will seriously challenge your opinions, and you would be ultimately forced to have a re-think. I think this law really makes me wonder that should we be forming opinions about people.
5.If you do some work right on the first attempt, people will always think it was easy. Somehow no matter how you made a complex work simple by using common sense, the boss would always seem to favour the person who made the simple work complex with his complete idiocy.
6.On days you would turn up before anyone else in the office, the boss would always arrive late. And on days when you turn up late, you would always find the boss waiting for you!!
7.Somehow people would'nt laugh at your jokes (no matter how good they r), and they would be laughing at pathetic jokes of other people, just cos they seem to have some face value!!
8.(This is not personal at all) Girls would somehow pick up guys on face value, no matter when they open their mouth, you immediately know that I would rather not be in their shoes :)
9.Somehow whenever you think you're gonna start studying seriously, something happens that detours your studying routine such as a family function, or something similar.
Life is grossly unfair, but no body ever said it was gonna be fair! And If I can remember more of such events I swear to keep updating this list!
Monday, July 30, 2007
The Storm in a Tiny Tea Cup
The Tiny Tea Cup peeked out of the cupboard to see if anyone was around. No one really, just the salt and pepper shakers. The other tea-cups were in the hands of the guests it seemed.
And suddenly the maid walked in with the silver tray with those beautiful floral teacups. Tim (the tiny tea cup), quietly closed the door of the cupboard, leaving it just slightly open, to watch them. And in that skulky corner of his he watched them all day long, talking about such fascinating things in the living room, and about people wearing such amazing clothes.
He had never seen the living room. When he was younger, he was told about all fascinating stories of the living room, and his only wish was that he would one day hold tea in him for guests in the living room. But for some reason he was never used. And his eagerness turned into hope, which had later turn into despair, and now he felt like his purpose of being of being a teacup was defeated.
"Oh, you're the most ugliest tea cups ever, why would they use you," a snobbish yet elegant tea cup had informed him last month. And it was true, undoubtedly. What use is an ugly tea-cup I suppose. Even salt shakers are better than that, atleast they serve some purpose. Caught between two worlds, neither of which he was a part of, the tiny tea cup wondered about things that one can wonder about. Now, the concept of a God for tea-cups hasnt quite taken off yet, so I don't think he would be wondering about that....
So one day, he decided that he would make it on his own, to the living room, and to see the splendours he had heard about. In the darkness of the night, he crept out of the cupboard, and slowly made his way down to the kitchen counter. How was he gonna make it across?? He had no clue........And so he decided to jump off the shelf, in hope that he would somehow not break entirely and still make it across......I really wonder what happened.......
Children Are Told Horrible Lies
Some Ugly Ducklings Never Fly
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Behind the Wheel!
The time had come to face my nightmares. I had dreaded this for weeks now. And last week when I dreamt about me driving a truck and smashing every possible car in the vicinity, I realised that I had Driving Phobia!
So I decided a week before that I needed to take the car out on my own. Lets go to class!! Well I thought that was an absurd idea too cos if I got stuck there then that would have been humiliating infront of 600 kids. Anyhow, I announced my plans 3 days back to my brother, who had been constantly pestering me to take it out on my own.
D-day arrived. And I was really anxious. Butterflies in the stomach. I asked my brother if he could escort the car, on his motorcycle to the class, which he expectedly refused. The previous night I had dreamt about leaving the keys in the car, adn locking myself out. That would really be amusing (not!).
So I asked him if he could atleast watch me take the car out of the parking, and if I felt nice till then I would go on, or else I would back off. And so we started. Not a good start, I grazed the bumper while taking it out of the packed parking. And then on my own we go. I was sweating.......oh yes I was.
And then we come to that dreaded slope that has to be overcome each time we have to go somewhere. And why does one have a red light on that slope. And why is it always red when I arrive there!! Some really cosmic secrets that cannot be discerned. Waiting waiting waiting...and its green....cars behind me honks....and I press the accelerator hard. Yayyyyyy, I didnt get stuck.....thats one obstacle out of the way.
And next up ITO. The Bus Junction.....another slope....not as steep though. But its a red light!!! I stop...and a motorcycle behind me....and the car is going back...and it nudges him a bit I think.....I glance back.....he is smiling somehow....maybe my kiddish face makes him smile....whatever!
At this time I realised that my whole shirt was drenched in sweat......Nervousness sweat.....And it almost seemed someone had poured water on me. And then I safely arrive at the class location....quite an isolated location this.....I had come half an hour early to avoid parking blushes. Yes! I find the best and easiest spot available. This would be easy to get out of too! And then I park and get out and thats that.
8.30pm....I am getting nervous again...Its almost time to go home. I have never driven at night before....atleast not side by side with BUSES! What have I got myself into? Shud I plead with someone to drive this machine home......
I ask my friend rajat, if I can drop him off till the bus stand....I warn him I am not a good driver....This would ease off my nerves...having someone in the cockpit! And yayyyyy I do really well....I back well and then I turn well....and then I drop him....and then I go steady and handle the buses well....and then we're almost home....
And this is where everything went wrong! I enter the parking area....its unusually crowded at this time....ofcourse it is, I arrived 20 minutes earlies....sir left the class early today!! Whatda... Ok ....lets go slow....and then it was CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... I hit something....multiple objects and scraped metal.....Its those autos lined up....diagonally....whatda....
Awwww! there goes my Order of the Merlin first class!!! I was sooo happy till then having made it safely home. And then I wasnt even able to park well. The parking attendant got frustrated with me. "Aapko Back leni nahi aati kya"
I am trying you moron. Ok finally I backed, not before I hit two cars, one from the front and one from the back. And the guy is making them look ok. I get off and assess the damage....at first everything seems fine.....and then!!!!! Oh!
The left fender (as I am informed today what its called), had been badly damaged.....wayda go kiddo! With sighs allround I walk back home.....Only 10 minutes ago I was sooooo happy! But thats life for you! But I think I did ok really.....atleast I didnt kill anyone!
But driving a car as one is a great responsibility...and me being scared is reflected in that. I owe it to other people on the road and ofcourse the car owner (my brother), and maybe to myself as well.....so its not bad to be scared....its actually quite ok to be apprehensive.....
So I decided a week before that I needed to take the car out on my own. Lets go to class!! Well I thought that was an absurd idea too cos if I got stuck there then that would have been humiliating infront of 600 kids. Anyhow, I announced my plans 3 days back to my brother, who had been constantly pestering me to take it out on my own.
D-day arrived. And I was really anxious. Butterflies in the stomach. I asked my brother if he could escort the car, on his motorcycle to the class, which he expectedly refused. The previous night I had dreamt about leaving the keys in the car, adn locking myself out. That would really be amusing (not!).
So I asked him if he could atleast watch me take the car out of the parking, and if I felt nice till then I would go on, or else I would back off. And so we started. Not a good start, I grazed the bumper while taking it out of the packed parking. And then on my own we go. I was sweating.......oh yes I was.
And then we come to that dreaded slope that has to be overcome each time we have to go somewhere. And why does one have a red light on that slope. And why is it always red when I arrive there!! Some really cosmic secrets that cannot be discerned. Waiting waiting waiting...and its green....cars behind me honks....and I press the accelerator hard. Yayyyyyy, I didnt get stuck.....thats one obstacle out of the way.
And next up ITO. The Bus Junction.....another slope....not as steep though. But its a red light!!! I stop...and a motorcycle behind me....and the car is going back...and it nudges him a bit I think.....I glance back.....he is smiling somehow....maybe my kiddish face makes him smile....whatever!
At this time I realised that my whole shirt was drenched in sweat......Nervousness sweat.....And it almost seemed someone had poured water on me. And then I safely arrive at the class location....quite an isolated location this.....I had come half an hour early to avoid parking blushes. Yes! I find the best and easiest spot available. This would be easy to get out of too! And then I park and get out and thats that.
8.30pm....I am getting nervous again...Its almost time to go home. I have never driven at night before....atleast not side by side with BUSES! What have I got myself into? Shud I plead with someone to drive this machine home......
I ask my friend rajat, if I can drop him off till the bus stand....I warn him I am not a good driver....This would ease off my nerves...having someone in the cockpit! And yayyyyy I do really well....I back well and then I turn well....and then I drop him....and then I go steady and handle the buses well....and then we're almost home....
And this is where everything went wrong! I enter the parking area....its unusually crowded at this time....ofcourse it is, I arrived 20 minutes earlies....sir left the class early today!! Whatda... Ok ....lets go slow....and then it was CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... I hit something....multiple objects and scraped metal.....Its those autos lined up....diagonally....whatda....
Awwww! there goes my Order of the Merlin first class!!! I was sooo happy till then having made it safely home. And then I wasnt even able to park well. The parking attendant got frustrated with me. "Aapko Back leni nahi aati kya"
I am trying you moron. Ok finally I backed, not before I hit two cars, one from the front and one from the back. And the guy is making them look ok. I get off and assess the damage....at first everything seems fine.....and then!!!!! Oh!
The left fender (as I am informed today what its called), had been badly damaged.....wayda go kiddo! With sighs allround I walk back home.....Only 10 minutes ago I was sooooo happy! But thats life for you! But I think I did ok really.....atleast I didnt kill anyone!
But driving a car as one is a great responsibility...and me being scared is reflected in that. I owe it to other people on the road and ofcourse the car owner (my brother), and maybe to myself as well.....so its not bad to be scared....its actually quite ok to be apprehensive.....
Saturday, July 21, 2007
God, Universe and Whole Lot of Other Nonsense
(I wrote this long back when I was really angry at something, I don't really remember what it was about. But as life proves to be very circular, I ofter wonder if I had seen this tree before and so I dug out this little passage)
Life is a set of completely random events resulting from previous random events. Infact it is such a big chain of random events that it cant be traced to it's roots. The seed, yes, that is what God is.
Every One who has programmed would know that random functions need a seed value to be truly random. Such a seed value should be completely independent for the resultant program to be truly random. For example, time is a random factor.
So, infact if this theory is correct, the there must exist alternative universe for each seed value generated. There must be a universe formed every second or maybe even every millisecond. And it is in this seed value, that the existence of God can be perceived. That is, it is the seed value that would decide what the outcome would be at step 1 or step 100 or step 99999547. That is each step is predetermined once the seed value is determined. And therein lies the element which is populary termed as DESTINY.
If souls are stocked in heaven, I wonder how they are chosen to be sent down to earth at a particular moment. Is a particular inventory method followed, like First in First Out (FIFO) or is it based on some other criterion. Or is that random too.
God has no authority to judge us on the basis of our deeds. This is because if God judges us on the basis of our actions in this mortal realm, then it would be completely unfair, as we are merely participating in the chain of random events triggered long back, and events pre-decided, the course of which we cannot possibly alter as it would disrupt the existence of this very universe. Einstein remarked that - God doesnt play dice with the world. I guess he does, only that the casino is rigged.
Life is a set of completely random events resulting from previous random events. Infact it is such a big chain of random events that it cant be traced to it's roots. The seed, yes, that is what God is.
Every One who has programmed would know that random functions need a seed value to be truly random. Such a seed value should be completely independent for the resultant program to be truly random. For example, time is a random factor.
So, infact if this theory is correct, the there must exist alternative universe for each seed value generated. There must be a universe formed every second or maybe even every millisecond. And it is in this seed value, that the existence of God can be perceived. That is, it is the seed value that would decide what the outcome would be at step 1 or step 100 or step 99999547. That is each step is predetermined once the seed value is determined. And therein lies the element which is populary termed as DESTINY.
If souls are stocked in heaven, I wonder how they are chosen to be sent down to earth at a particular moment. Is a particular inventory method followed, like First in First Out (FIFO) or is it based on some other criterion. Or is that random too.
God has no authority to judge us on the basis of our deeds. This is because if God judges us on the basis of our actions in this mortal realm, then it would be completely unfair, as we are merely participating in the chain of random events triggered long back, and events pre-decided, the course of which we cannot possibly alter as it would disrupt the existence of this very universe. Einstein remarked that - God doesnt play dice with the world. I guess he does, only that the casino is rigged.
Severus Snape - the unlikely hero
Harry Potter and the deathly hallows confirmed what everybody believed. Severus Snape was indeed innocent. I just wanted to read the whole story to find out the predecided fate of Snape. He had to die. There was no other way to the story. With no one to live for, snape's survival would have been tragic that his death.
The most touching chapter of the whole book was - The Prince's Tale. I almost felt like crying by the time severus cast that silver doe in dumbeldore's office.
“After all this time?” - (Dumbledore)
“Always,” said Snape.
Snape wasnt as blessed as James or Sirius was. That is not our choice you see. We are the result of a million random events that trigger million other random events and things are not often what they are made out to be. All snape had was a friend in Lily. He watched her as greedily as he had watched her in the playground. JKR uses the word greedily. But is it really greed? If you have sobbed silently in the shadowy nights hoping you would see a silver angel to rescue you from your darkness than you would realize that it isnt greed that attracts you to that silver angel.
He was jealous over her. Cos thats all he had. And he didnt want to lose her to James, who clearly fancied her. Energy Vampires!! Thats the syndrome. When you go into negativeness, you suck out all the positive energy around you and you hurt the people you like the most. There is no apparent cure for this syndrome I suppose. It just makes you feel low, and you isolate yourself into that shell of yours, watching from your shadowy corner - the beautiful lights of the worlds, greedily I suppose, and then it turns to disgust, anger, destruction, self-destruction, anguish. A HOWL!
Lupin isnt too different from snape. And I have remarked this more than once. It says in some point of the book when harry is looking at an old photograph of the 4 friends that Lupin seemed only too pleased to have been included in that photograph. Lupin had self doubts. I dont really know if this was ever said in the book (I havent found it) but in the 3rd Movie, there is a scene between Lupin and Harry where Lupin tells Harry that Lily was a wonderful person, and she could see Good things in others, which they were otherwise unable to see.
Lupin found friends. Had snape been shown a little more friendship, I think he would have honoured his friendship beyond any other. And that is clear with his friendship with albus. Lupin was the same. And it is for this precise reason that Lupin never had any ill-feelings towards snape when he came to teach in the 3rd Book.
Undoubteldy Sirius and James were on the right side, but snape was far braver than any of them. They never had to face the darkness snape had to face. To fight others is never easy, but to fight your own self is beyond imagination. And snape I believe did that. And did that beautifully.
And as for me, I should know better....
The most touching chapter of the whole book was - The Prince's Tale. I almost felt like crying by the time severus cast that silver doe in dumbeldore's office.
“After all this time?” - (Dumbledore)
“Always,” said Snape.
Snape wasnt as blessed as James or Sirius was. That is not our choice you see. We are the result of a million random events that trigger million other random events and things are not often what they are made out to be. All snape had was a friend in Lily. He watched her as greedily as he had watched her in the playground. JKR uses the word greedily. But is it really greed? If you have sobbed silently in the shadowy nights hoping you would see a silver angel to rescue you from your darkness than you would realize that it isnt greed that attracts you to that silver angel.
He was jealous over her. Cos thats all he had. And he didnt want to lose her to James, who clearly fancied her. Energy Vampires!! Thats the syndrome. When you go into negativeness, you suck out all the positive energy around you and you hurt the people you like the most. There is no apparent cure for this syndrome I suppose. It just makes you feel low, and you isolate yourself into that shell of yours, watching from your shadowy corner - the beautiful lights of the worlds, greedily I suppose, and then it turns to disgust, anger, destruction, self-destruction, anguish. A HOWL!
Lupin isnt too different from snape. And I have remarked this more than once. It says in some point of the book when harry is looking at an old photograph of the 4 friends that Lupin seemed only too pleased to have been included in that photograph. Lupin had self doubts. I dont really know if this was ever said in the book (I havent found it) but in the 3rd Movie, there is a scene between Lupin and Harry where Lupin tells Harry that Lily was a wonderful person, and she could see Good things in others, which they were otherwise unable to see.
Lupin found friends. Had snape been shown a little more friendship, I think he would have honoured his friendship beyond any other. And that is clear with his friendship with albus. Lupin was the same. And it is for this precise reason that Lupin never had any ill-feelings towards snape when he came to teach in the 3rd Book.
Undoubteldy Sirius and James were on the right side, but snape was far braver than any of them. They never had to face the darkness snape had to face. To fight others is never easy, but to fight your own self is beyond imagination. And snape I believe did that. And did that beautifully.
And as for me, I should know better....
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Passed Something!
Well thats 4 exams of CA out of the way! Its just 4 to go! Thats a relief. If I wud have failed then that wud have pushed me back several months. And I wud have probably crashed big time in life. But it was all my fault. I gambled in the exams. Big time. Lady Luck helped me out again. She has bailed me out more than often. But whenever I have needed it the most, Lady Luck or God, has always helped me out. And that has always confirmed my belief in MY GOD. Well so many times I've challenged him at night, asking him for the winds of change, to show me his power. He is not tempted I suppose. Why wud he be? He knows best when he needs to intervene. I am grateful for this. Somehow today was a nice day. Not really nice, but I guess I didnt do to badly.
I have this theory on God that I had written long back, on a very rainy day, when I was really angry. I wasnt happy with the way his natural justice mechanism worked. I will post up that theory tomorrow maybe if I am not too tired after the 9 'O clock class. Somehow things over the past one month have made forget some bitter things over the past. And created new bitter memories. Not so bitter though I suppose. But humans disappoint me. I disappoint myself. I think I have shown really bad application towards life. And I owe myself an apology. But then is it to late to start over. It is somehow. You cant wake up and watch Lakshya and think u can turn around ur life. U cant!!
It's less than an year now!! I have to find my wings and flee! The winds of change are arriving, I need to be prepared, lest I shall be caught in a storm that shall encapsulate me and my entire existence! I just need to be prepared!
I have this theory on God that I had written long back, on a very rainy day, when I was really angry. I wasnt happy with the way his natural justice mechanism worked. I will post up that theory tomorrow maybe if I am not too tired after the 9 'O clock class. Somehow things over the past one month have made forget some bitter things over the past. And created new bitter memories. Not so bitter though I suppose. But humans disappoint me. I disappoint myself. I think I have shown really bad application towards life. And I owe myself an apology. But then is it to late to start over. It is somehow. You cant wake up and watch Lakshya and think u can turn around ur life. U cant!!
It's less than an year now!! I have to find my wings and flee! The winds of change are arriving, I need to be prepared, lest I shall be caught in a storm that shall encapsulate me and my entire existence! I just need to be prepared!
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Tamed Dreams
I feel like sharing silence....Its an eerie feeling. I guess I have been bunking too much. Being at home, nothing to do! And even if your out there, even then the silence never really leaves me, unless I choose to. And its somehow funny that it would be with complete strangers that I would wish to part with it rather that people who are aware of my existence.
It been a very low time for me. You set up goals, you are unable to complete them. It's less than an year left for the inevitable. I have to grow up. Somehow. It's not easy, living in your own fantasy world, undisturbed, unaware. But how long can you stay there. I would like to live in my oblivion for ever. It's been so long, like I have been stuck in a time warp or something.
You wish you had someone to share silence with. Not talk! Cos everything I speak somehow comes wrong out of my mouth. You should understand me, when you understand me.....
Is it constricting me? Or is there no one inside anymore. I really fear its the latter. What if you lost your soul somewhere down the line.... And then? What do you do? How do you find it? How do you start your search? Not many people understand that a soul exists, and the trouble is that once you are aware of its existence then you cannot deny it. And if its not there, then STOP, everything goes black, and your actions are no longer governed by those dreams that your soul would choose. But rather by a system derived by this world that seeks to tame you down, to kill what is left of you inside and then to finally become a zombie. A zombie I refuse to be. And I refuse to have my dreams be tamed. But I need my soul to fight back. Because if you dont have a soul then there is no fighting back. SO please kiddo, don't lose your soul....As snape would say - NO UNFORGIVING CURSES POTTER....Keep your soul clean, and then whatever the end maybe, we'll take it fair and square...
I remember that german story I read....A guy has bad food to eat and he says thats a problem and curses, and then another guy walks upto him and says - If your house is burnt down, if all your family members are dead, if you havent eaten for 3 days then you have got trouble, everything else is inconvenience.....
We can't often change things in the past, and we have to accept our failures and the paths wrong or right taken by us, but whats done is done, and lets not let that decide our future course of action...Dont lose your soul....
It been a very low time for me. You set up goals, you are unable to complete them. It's less than an year left for the inevitable. I have to grow up. Somehow. It's not easy, living in your own fantasy world, undisturbed, unaware. But how long can you stay there. I would like to live in my oblivion for ever. It's been so long, like I have been stuck in a time warp or something.
You wish you had someone to share silence with. Not talk! Cos everything I speak somehow comes wrong out of my mouth. You should understand me, when you understand me.....
Is it constricting me? Or is there no one inside anymore. I really fear its the latter. What if you lost your soul somewhere down the line.... And then? What do you do? How do you find it? How do you start your search? Not many people understand that a soul exists, and the trouble is that once you are aware of its existence then you cannot deny it. And if its not there, then STOP, everything goes black, and your actions are no longer governed by those dreams that your soul would choose. But rather by a system derived by this world that seeks to tame you down, to kill what is left of you inside and then to finally become a zombie. A zombie I refuse to be. And I refuse to have my dreams be tamed. But I need my soul to fight back. Because if you dont have a soul then there is no fighting back. SO please kiddo, don't lose your soul....As snape would say - NO UNFORGIVING CURSES POTTER....Keep your soul clean, and then whatever the end maybe, we'll take it fair and square...
I remember that german story I read....A guy has bad food to eat and he says thats a problem and curses, and then another guy walks upto him and says - If your house is burnt down, if all your family members are dead, if you havent eaten for 3 days then you have got trouble, everything else is inconvenience.....
We can't often change things in the past, and we have to accept our failures and the paths wrong or right taken by us, but whats done is done, and lets not let that decide our future course of action...Dont lose your soul....
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
The Question You've Been Searching For
Sometimes you find the things you have been looking for in the strangest of places. Sometimes its not the answer you are looking for, but rather the question. Cos if you dont know the question, then the answer is useless. Its like having the answers to a jigsaw puzzle, but not having the puzzle itself.
It was in 2005, I played Final Fantasy VI for almost a month to finish it up. No Great Graphics, nothing apparently new in it, and yet it remains to date one of most loved Square Games (a poll by Square said that). And though not my personal all time favourite (a few other's would go over it anyday), it was a nice game. The best thing about all the Final Fantasy games are the indepth storyline, the character development over the course of the game, and the awesome music that could be doing rounds as solo music.
The game is about - ??!! Ummm! Well, if you want to find out what the game is all about then you can most definitely check out wikipedia and find out. Though I still think that Breath of Fire 4 remains my all time favourite game, cos when it finishes, you feel so empty, like you've lived the last 96 hours (yes!) with those characters.
But returning back to what I really wanted to say, there is this opera song in this game. And the video they made for that, dont watch all those things flying in the background, watch what your supposed to do. It's very important to identify the things that are relevant to you in any thing you see. And just read those words that appear, and close your eyes to the music. And it was like something I can't explain.
A question you have searched all your life, you find here of all places. And though, weirdly enough, I have been trying to decipher it for the last two years, and if I ever dare to place it in front of someone, they think I have lost it!!!! Oh I remember, when I first posed this question, and the reply was - You should get it published in the newspaper, you're a good writer???!!!!!
All I can say is - the crazy laughing smiley on yahoo is my answer!!!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Unforeseen Visitors : Invasion of the Shore
If you sat at a shore and saw a dolphin jump out of the water then you would marvel at the sight you have just witnessed. And you would wait for the dolphins to jump out again. But for how long would that amaze you? Not for long I fear. In economics that is called the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility!! Ha Ha!! I just remembered economics in the middle of a philosophical tale. But then, economics is based on human behaviour.
But would the same stand true for a rainbow? Well, I believe rainbows have some cosmic/divine energy about them and hence the theory wouldnt stand true.
He was happy with his lonely shore I guess. Maybe some nights he would cry out in anguish at the lake, and the winds, and the rocks, and at himself. But then all of us are entitled to moments of such insanity. One night, he finds an empty bottle, and he decides to test out the waters, and writes a letter and throws it back into the lake. A fool's hope is all you have, when you do actions beyond your own comprehension. He wouldnt admit it, but hope never dies, even if everything else dies.
And lo presto, the next morning he wakes up to a thundering sound. Ships!!!! Humans coming back to the deserted island!!!! Things unheard of!!! All the animals had gathered near the shore, watching another herd of animals disembark the ship. And what might they be doing here.
He knows those faces, oh yes he does.
They look back at astonishment. And they are all smiling at him - the one that was left behind. Why are they here?? He watches them setting up a camp near the shore. "My shore!!"
Slowly he turns away, and decides to move a bit further from this camp. His part of the shore isnt far away. A rock circle, with turtles playing in the shallow waters, and unfinished sand castles await him. Just then, a gentle voice calls out him name from behind. He turns back to see a familiar face, and an even more familiar glass bottle.
"You sent this last night."
Well, ummmm! He wasnt expecting an answer to the letter, was he?
She continued - "This is not a lake you know, its an ocean, a very vast ocean, and beyond this ocean lie great things, marvellous cities, and a whole new world."
They walked towards his home - the hollow stone circle. How was he to say that he made a statue of her last night, but demolished it in his rage, because he thought it didnt look pretty. The pieces of the statue looked pretty to him though!! How ironic!!
"Why are all these people here?"
"They have come to build an observation post here."
"WWWHAAATTTT!!!"
"Why dont you come with us, across the oceans, and you would love it there, everyone does!!"
"Ummmm! This is my home! I love it here."
"Then why the letter??"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do, you don't wanna be here, come with us."
"Noooo! I dont belong there......, besides, I love it here."
She said no further, and walked back to the camp. He stood there, watching the sun go down. It hadnt set yet. There was this cliff nearby, and he quickly made his way up there, and the wind blew on his face, and in his head the song - Across The Stars was playing. A signboard nearby read - On your own? And now he could also see smoke coming from the direction of the camp. They have taken everything dear to me, and now of all things, this place too.......
But would the same stand true for a rainbow? Well, I believe rainbows have some cosmic/divine energy about them and hence the theory wouldnt stand true.
He was happy with his lonely shore I guess. Maybe some nights he would cry out in anguish at the lake, and the winds, and the rocks, and at himself. But then all of us are entitled to moments of such insanity. One night, he finds an empty bottle, and he decides to test out the waters, and writes a letter and throws it back into the lake. A fool's hope is all you have, when you do actions beyond your own comprehension. He wouldnt admit it, but hope never dies, even if everything else dies.
And lo presto, the next morning he wakes up to a thundering sound. Ships!!!! Humans coming back to the deserted island!!!! Things unheard of!!! All the animals had gathered near the shore, watching another herd of animals disembark the ship. And what might they be doing here.
He knows those faces, oh yes he does.
They look back at astonishment. And they are all smiling at him - the one that was left behind. Why are they here?? He watches them setting up a camp near the shore. "My shore!!"
Slowly he turns away, and decides to move a bit further from this camp. His part of the shore isnt far away. A rock circle, with turtles playing in the shallow waters, and unfinished sand castles await him. Just then, a gentle voice calls out him name from behind. He turns back to see a familiar face, and an even more familiar glass bottle.
"You sent this last night."
Well, ummmm! He wasnt expecting an answer to the letter, was he?
She continued - "This is not a lake you know, its an ocean, a very vast ocean, and beyond this ocean lie great things, marvellous cities, and a whole new world."
They walked towards his home - the hollow stone circle. How was he to say that he made a statue of her last night, but demolished it in his rage, because he thought it didnt look pretty. The pieces of the statue looked pretty to him though!! How ironic!!
"Why are all these people here?"
"They have come to build an observation post here."
"WWWHAAATTTT!!!"
"Why dont you come with us, across the oceans, and you would love it there, everyone does!!"
"Ummmm! This is my home! I love it here."
"Then why the letter??"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do, you don't wanna be here, come with us."
"Noooo! I dont belong there......, besides, I love it here."
She said no further, and walked back to the camp. He stood there, watching the sun go down. It hadnt set yet. There was this cliff nearby, and he quickly made his way up there, and the wind blew on his face, and in his head the song - Across The Stars was playing. A signboard nearby read - On your own? And now he could also see smoke coming from the direction of the camp. They have taken everything dear to me, and now of all things, this place too.......
You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why
---keane---
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Untitled
Unsung Song Unsaid Words
Asking You a Question
Unfinished Life Unattempted Promises
Glaring at You
Everything is Falling around you
Everyone is Crawling upon you
And you think to your self
Is this life or what
Everything has hollowed now
And Is this where we end
Stop Asking those Questions
Keep Walking and Maybe the tunnel ends
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Silence of the Lambs....
You stare for a while and then you turn away. You think you know those faces, yes you do... But you don't belong there. There is a wretched silence and everything drowns in that silence. Its not just an exterior silence, it's silent inside and that is dangerous. Very dangerous. Silence has crept into the system...its not easy to repel this silence.....
When was the last time you said your lines... Never....
When was the last time you sung your song aloud.....Never......
When was the last time you laughed your heart out......Never.....
They look back with astonishment, and then u watch it turn into a smirk, and then the smirk turns into a monster.....And it haunts you in your unconsciousness.
When was the last time you said your lines... Never....
When was the last time you sung your song aloud.....Never......
When was the last time you laughed your heart out......Never.....
They look back with astonishment, and then u watch it turn into a smirk, and then the smirk turns into a monster.....And it haunts you in your unconsciousness.
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin, how everybody's jokin now
I feel miserable for him. He just doesnt wanna wake up and have another morning. And what do u do for such a person. The height of laziness is when you refuse to live. There is no apparent reason. Is there a disappointment?? Probably of a unorganized, unplanned and creeky life. No, its more like a disappointment of a life gone wrong. You're not there. You were supposed to be somewhere, but when you arrive there, everyone has already left. And you're left on the shores waiting for a new boat. But but but.....it's not your turn now. See, you left your turn, so how can u be adjusted in other people's turns. People are coming from behind, pushing you aside and making their way across the lake.
Could'nt I swim?? I could, but then Iiiiiiiiiiii, naaaahhh I rather wait on the shores and watch the sun go up and go down. And besides who knows what lies on the other side of the lake. But then you're told that if you never make it there then how are you to judge what is there on the other side. Maybe there is this beautiful fountain there, which refreshes all that seek it. But maybe there is a desert on the other side. How am I to know?? For no one ever comes back. I call this shore mine, and I claim it as mine, and I shall dwell here for all eternity.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Keane : Words Say It All
Walnut Tree
Once, there was a great storm
Pushed my head beneath the waves
I was gone
Underneath the walnut tree
Where you said you'd wait for me
And I waited, a long long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
Why, why do I come here
Seeking out the memories
I hold dear?
Cos you put your spell on me
Made me live in memory
And I'm frozen, in just the wrong time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
He said everything so simply. In words that I was searching for. And they say it all. They just need to be heard I guess. I needed to be heard I guess. But I didnt have the words. He had them. How did he get them??
Why?? Why do I come here?? Such a wonderful question that is. We must all seek inside to answer that. And most of us wouldnt know the answer to that question. Cos maybe there isnt an answer to that question. Maybe something drags us back to the same old points in life. Something we cling on to and never want to let go. And we wait eternally for something that will never happen. And maybe the storm has long passed but we refuse to accept that it has. We wish the storm would last forever and so perhaps we can dwell in those waters which we proudly call our sanctuary. Look outside though - the storm has ceased. And now the walnut tree bears fruit once more, but winter isnt far away. And then............
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
The Caverns of Despair
There is a state of unrest which is beyond comprehension. It is a mixed feeling of drowsiness, guilt, discontent, madness and the same time a strange feeling of satiation. It is almost like there is nothing left to do, and what you would rather do is die. Not wake up in the morning. You would love to not wake up in the morning. It is difficult to have your eyes open and when you close your eyes, you see devils hovering. They are claiming your soul, scavenging on what is left of your sanity. And then you feel completely lost, falling through everything, unaware of what is around you. All you can feel is those strange, shining lights in the distance. They look marvelous. And if for a second you are stupid enough to hold out your hand to feel them, to grab them, to be a part of that light, you find that those lights are going farther away, refuting your claim. They are mocking at you and what is worse is that they might even burn your hand. And you wait quietly in your cavern, hoping that you would last your days there. It would be painful, watching all those dreams die in that cavern, but it’s a feeling long endured, and now that you are speechless and your eyes have lost all sense of innocence and you can’t recognize yourself in the mirror. Your mental self image still wants to hold on to that image long lost, and you don’t think you have the courage to take that away from yourself. No, you can’t, why, I don’t know. Maybe it’s a treasure, maybe it’s a curse, maybe both. You think you want to say something but it won’t come out right and as you fumble to find light in that cavern, something you can call you own, you realize that you might hate this place as much as you love it. Would you prefer another cavern? But what difference would it make. I don’t see any, maybe you could tell me some day when we do move to a new cavern. And now that you have lost all sense of day and night, life seems to be less painful. And you want to comfort yourself with false beliefs. You think they will make your stay worthwhile. Beware! Don’t be foolish to drag another living creature in this living hell of yours. And as you face contempt from even those bats hanging upside down on the roof, you realize that a quick blow might be decisive.
Then you think about what is this life for. And if you are courageous enough then maybe you can go hunt outside. You should go. That is what common sense says. But what will you do when you are beyond all sense. And occasionally all those points that have passed you in life flash before your eyes. Could I have stayed at that point? Could I have changed my fate at that point? Is this a point in life? Don’t be tempted by those glowering lights. It’s a mirage, when you go out to find them, they will vanish and you will be in a desert. This desert is vast, you don’t know where it starts or where it ends, but it keeps flowing like an ocean. And you are stranded on a plank of wood, looking out for ships. No ship is coming to save you! No angel is coming to help you out! And don’t mistake the albatross for an angel, though it may seem angelic, it will lead you to your downfall.
Do you still have the courage to keep your eyes open? You are scared to look inside because all you will see is darkness and emptiness. You are scared to ask why? The seers say that you must not let that darkness take over your life. How? You don’t know the way, but that is not because your vision is clouded, but because you are sure there is no way. I remember the starting words of a song – It’s a lonely road that you chosen, morning comes and you don’t want to know me anymore. Each morning makes the burden difficult and you feel entrapped. Will they forgive you, will you forgive yourself, and will you redeem all those dreams somehow?
Then you think about what is this life for. And if you are courageous enough then maybe you can go hunt outside. You should go. That is what common sense says. But what will you do when you are beyond all sense. And occasionally all those points that have passed you in life flash before your eyes. Could I have stayed at that point? Could I have changed my fate at that point? Is this a point in life? Don’t be tempted by those glowering lights. It’s a mirage, when you go out to find them, they will vanish and you will be in a desert. This desert is vast, you don’t know where it starts or where it ends, but it keeps flowing like an ocean. And you are stranded on a plank of wood, looking out for ships. No ship is coming to save you! No angel is coming to help you out! And don’t mistake the albatross for an angel, though it may seem angelic, it will lead you to your downfall.
Do you still have the courage to keep your eyes open? You are scared to look inside because all you will see is darkness and emptiness. You are scared to ask why? The seers say that you must not let that darkness take over your life. How? You don’t know the way, but that is not because your vision is clouded, but because you are sure there is no way. I remember the starting words of a song – It’s a lonely road that you chosen, morning comes and you don’t want to know me anymore. Each morning makes the burden difficult and you feel entrapped. Will they forgive you, will you forgive yourself, and will you redeem all those dreams somehow?
Lost soul or maybe no sleep or maybe something else
I dont feel sleepy at all...............I....Its 1:24am, I dont think I have been up this late for a long long time. I dont feel sleepy.
I wandered off somewhere wrong today....and was mislead for a moment....I have no clue what I am saying.
But I wanna say something but the words wont come out right. I am so tired, I wish I wud sleep and never ever wake up again......
I am falling and this fall is not breaking up, I need it to stop, I need to find a ledge. But there are no ledges, there are none. I have looked around and now I am tired. My brain tells me to stop looking for ledges.
I am so scared....its getting so dark and murky....oh my god......I am really scared. We all get one life and look what have I done!!! Oh my god! Am I to fall all eternity and watch everything go past me in flashes....beautiful these flashes are indeed but they are not mine.....I am losing my soul, maybe I dont even have one anymore. Oh those flashes they look beautiful, but.......
I want to stop or maybe I want it to end. Maybe both. Maybe none. Maybe something. Maybe nothing. I dont know what I want. And that is scary. Am I mad? I dont know. I try to say words but they are drying up, everything is drying up. Oh my god! I cant, I must, I have to! Noooooo!
Oh those beautiful flashes and what of me? Am I a flash to someone too? I dont know! As I cannot see beyond my perimeter. No I cant. I see darkness and I am losing everything. I dont have anything left. And it so scary. What am I worried of? I know the answer, but I cannot tell myself that. No! I cant! I am sorry.
Oh everything is not my fault! Or maybe it is. Everything should go well and I wanna be redeemed in this life, or maybe I will burn in the cauldrons of hell and maybe my soul will wander on this earth for as long as Cain.
If only I could tell myself what worries me. Oh its so much and yet so little. Shall I run off and be a coward or stand up and watch those flashes and be illusioned that I am being brave by opening my eyes. Oh those flashes!
I can write. And no one can take that away!
And I need to finish that letter one day but that hardly matters anymore and that wud be last on the list of my worries. Oh but those flashes. And does something flash from there too? Yes! Yes it does. And as the song plays - One way or another I am gonna find ya, I remember that day. And though its been time but those flashes keep reminding of a distant happiness that is just a flash.
Oh there is hardly any of that flash. Oh they are there in the distance. Oh god!!!
I wandered off somewhere wrong today....and was mislead for a moment....I have no clue what I am saying.
But I wanna say something but the words wont come out right. I am so tired, I wish I wud sleep and never ever wake up again......
I am falling and this fall is not breaking up, I need it to stop, I need to find a ledge. But there are no ledges, there are none. I have looked around and now I am tired. My brain tells me to stop looking for ledges.
I am so scared....its getting so dark and murky....oh my god......I am really scared. We all get one life and look what have I done!!! Oh my god! Am I to fall all eternity and watch everything go past me in flashes....beautiful these flashes are indeed but they are not mine.....I am losing my soul, maybe I dont even have one anymore. Oh those flashes they look beautiful, but.......
I want to stop or maybe I want it to end. Maybe both. Maybe none. Maybe something. Maybe nothing. I dont know what I want. And that is scary. Am I mad? I dont know. I try to say words but they are drying up, everything is drying up. Oh my god! I cant, I must, I have to! Noooooo!
Oh those beautiful flashes and what of me? Am I a flash to someone too? I dont know! As I cannot see beyond my perimeter. No I cant. I see darkness and I am losing everything. I dont have anything left. And it so scary. What am I worried of? I know the answer, but I cannot tell myself that. No! I cant! I am sorry.
Oh everything is not my fault! Or maybe it is. Everything should go well and I wanna be redeemed in this life, or maybe I will burn in the cauldrons of hell and maybe my soul will wander on this earth for as long as Cain.
If only I could tell myself what worries me. Oh its so much and yet so little. Shall I run off and be a coward or stand up and watch those flashes and be illusioned that I am being brave by opening my eyes. Oh those flashes!
I can write. And no one can take that away!
And I need to finish that letter one day but that hardly matters anymore and that wud be last on the list of my worries. Oh but those flashes. And does something flash from there too? Yes! Yes it does. And as the song plays - One way or another I am gonna find ya, I remember that day. And though its been time but those flashes keep reminding of a distant happiness that is just a flash.
Oh there is hardly any of that flash. Oh they are there in the distance. Oh god!!!
Nokia 6610 - LOSSTT!!
That black shiny nokia phone is lost!! Seems like yesterday that I bought it!! Well it fell on almost every day but never broke down...no repairs....and never ever lost before....gone now forever!!
Lots of memories with that one...lots....gprs...airtel trak-ur-mate....lots....
I guess I wanted to save it forever....and remember those times for ever...sapna....definitely.... and its gone now.... I felt like crying when I realised it was gone and I was teary eyed. Pathetic... it was just a cell phone...
I just wish I cud have it back in my hands...black...withered but still sturdy.. Had it for nearly two years now and it was like a logical extension of me.... boy I wish I cud have it back
This is the end of all things.... gprs.... yahoo mail... and the times I had it with me are all in the memories... boy I am so emotional about a mobile ... what the hell.... maybe I might just find it and if I dont then no Mr.I-pod on saturday... we're gonna buy - Nokia 5200!!
Bye Bye 6610.. black... withered...and still alive
Lots of memories with that one...lots....gprs...airtel trak-ur-mate....lots....
I guess I wanted to save it forever....and remember those times for ever...sapna....definitely.... and its gone now.... I felt like crying when I realised it was gone and I was teary eyed. Pathetic... it was just a cell phone...
I just wish I cud have it back in my hands...black...withered but still sturdy.. Had it for nearly two years now and it was like a logical extension of me.... boy I wish I cud have it back
This is the end of all things.... gprs.... yahoo mail... and the times I had it with me are all in the memories... boy I am so emotional about a mobile ... what the hell.... maybe I might just find it and if I dont then no Mr.I-pod on saturday... we're gonna buy - Nokia 5200!!
Bye Bye 6610.. black... withered...and still alive
The End of 2006
Well its about to get over! The end of an year. The end seems no different from how it actually started out. It seems not so long ago that it started out and yet this has been in many ways the longest year of my life. Though technically all years are 365 days (barring leap years).
Well I really dont know what to say....But I have to write something. There are times when you cant do anything and you realise that somethings will never change. The core of me will never change I guess. But its these experiences that give directions to a life.
How did it start? It was a pathetic start to the year actually. Very bad new year day. What followed in the next monthswasnt good either. It was the worst year of my life.
But I just remember that song....Everybody's got something they had to leave behind....I cant find ways to leave you behind....I never found the words to say, you're the one I think about each day!
I really do!! Its just incredible. It wasnt my fault......maybe it was. I dont know.
Somehow it was difficult to give something up the first time and now I feel I can give up anything or anyone and it wouldnt hurt me. Nope. All those horrible days I waited. And I was an idiot. And then people using me for their own purposes. I dont know which was worse.
But next year will have to be the best year of my life. I have to finish my CA. And we start from tomorrow. And no more computer or orkutting or being here. This is it. I have to realise some of my dreams. And I cant loose myself. Somehow it will be difficult to trust people.
Lets be serious and do things right this year. And so that my mind doesnt shout - You're an idiot!! Yup! And work hard this year to make things work. We cant undo our decisions in life but we can try to move forward and try to salvage what is left of our dreams. And besides that was never a part of my original dreams. It just happened to connect beautifully and integrate into them.
So maybe God will be kind to be this year. And I leave everything to him. I didnt do anything wrong and it was not my intention. And maybe some day I will explain that. No more sack of rotten potatoes. Lets get going. 2007 - the year when I overcame my demons and won a losing race!!!
Well I really dont know what to say....But I have to write something. There are times when you cant do anything and you realise that somethings will never change. The core of me will never change I guess. But its these experiences that give directions to a life.
How did it start? It was a pathetic start to the year actually. Very bad new year day. What followed in the next monthswasnt good either. It was the worst year of my life.
But I just remember that song....Everybody's got something they had to leave behind....I cant find ways to leave you behind....I never found the words to say, you're the one I think about each day!
I really do!! Its just incredible. It wasnt my fault......maybe it was. I dont know.
Somehow it was difficult to give something up the first time and now I feel I can give up anything or anyone and it wouldnt hurt me. Nope. All those horrible days I waited. And I was an idiot. And then people using me for their own purposes. I dont know which was worse.
But next year will have to be the best year of my life. I have to finish my CA. And we start from tomorrow. And no more computer or orkutting or being here. This is it. I have to realise some of my dreams. And I cant loose myself. Somehow it will be difficult to trust people.
Lets be serious and do things right this year. And so that my mind doesnt shout - You're an idiot!! Yup! And work hard this year to make things work. We cant undo our decisions in life but we can try to move forward and try to salvage what is left of our dreams. And besides that was never a part of my original dreams. It just happened to connect beautifully and integrate into them.
So maybe God will be kind to be this year. And I leave everything to him. I didnt do anything wrong and it was not my intention. And maybe some day I will explain that. No more sack of rotten potatoes. Lets get going. 2007 - the year when I overcame my demons and won a losing race!!!
Very Superstitious
Now this levis ad comes along....a guy steals a jeans from a balcony and puts it on. And that is where the fun starts...Apparently he starts doing things that the owner of the jeans is doing!! Pelvic thrusts at that too! The owner enjoying with his girlfriend and the people in the metro get to see the action from the poor thief!! Ha! And so the guy finally decides to give up and put the jeans back. The best thing is the song that plays in the backgroud - Superstition by Stevey Wonder. Cool song....Very superstitious...writing's on the wall!!!!
Very superstitious, writings on the wall,
Very superstitious, ladders bout to fall,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin glass
Seven years of bad luck, the good things in your past.
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition aint the way
Very superstitious, wash your face and hands,
Rid me of the problem,
do all that you can,Keep me in a daydream,
keep me goin strong,
You dont wanna save me, sad is my song.
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition aint the way, yeh, yeh.
Very superstitious, nothin more to say,
Very superstitious, the devils on his way,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin glass,
Seven years of bad luck, good things in your past
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,Superstition aint the way, no, no, no
Very superstitious, writings on the wall,
Very superstitious, ladders bout to fall,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin glass
Seven years of bad luck, the good things in your past.
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition aint the way
Very superstitious, wash your face and hands,
Rid me of the problem,
do all that you can,Keep me in a daydream,
keep me goin strong,
You dont wanna save me, sad is my song.
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition aint the way, yeh, yeh.
Very superstitious, nothin more to say,
Very superstitious, the devils on his way,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin glass,
Seven years of bad luck, good things in your past
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,Superstition aint the way, no, no, no
Bedshaped - Keane
There is this song by an English Band - Keane from their album Hopes and Fears. Its the video of the song combined with the video that make the complete effect. Strangely enough I could somehow relate to that naked character stumbling down those steps unable it seems to cope up with everything around him. And was he still fighting his demons or had he given up on them is for him to say.....I really want to make a guess but it may be inappropriate...What do I know? What do I know? I know!!
He feels everyone can see right through him and see him naked....and stumbling down those steps and what seems the death of a spirit...and it seems he find he is more comfortable in that underground hiding place of his..unwilling to go up again....and why should he...
But that silly cat gives him hope and he thinks its enough for him to conquer all those devils inside him....no...they have been there too long....its going to take more than a cat and clothes for him to come up those steps again....he falls again.....
And does he pray or does it happen with divine intervention is something which again I cannot fathom....if he would pray then he would need to have a soul for that....u cannot pray without a soul....and if u wish for miracles then u need to have hope....without hope there can be no miracles....
So a miracle happens and the wall behind him erupts into white light and he finds himself in a new dimension....and he can see him shadow....after a long time I presume and perhaps even his creator....does that symbolise death....or defeat....Maybe death....
So he didnt really conquer his fears and thats not a start for him...he ran away.....he lost....a miracle happened and he finds himself far away from a place where his demons would haunt him!!! SO its not a start as Avi said....definitely not....
He feels everyone can see right through him and see him naked....and stumbling down those steps and what seems the death of a spirit...and it seems he find he is more comfortable in that underground hiding place of his..unwilling to go up again....and why should he...
But that silly cat gives him hope and he thinks its enough for him to conquer all those devils inside him....no...they have been there too long....its going to take more than a cat and clothes for him to come up those steps again....he falls again.....
And does he pray or does it happen with divine intervention is something which again I cannot fathom....if he would pray then he would need to have a soul for that....u cannot pray without a soul....and if u wish for miracles then u need to have hope....without hope there can be no miracles....
So a miracle happens and the wall behind him erupts into white light and he finds himself in a new dimension....and he can see him shadow....after a long time I presume and perhaps even his creator....does that symbolise death....or defeat....Maybe death....
So he didnt really conquer his fears and thats not a start for him...he ran away.....he lost....a miracle happened and he finds himself far away from a place where his demons would haunt him!!! SO its not a start as Avi said....definitely not....
Marry Christmas!!
Its 11.58, but still im wishing u cos now party is gonna start! Hope christmas brings u lots and lots lots of happiness! Marry christmas....
Sorry but i cant MARRY christmas. I wont and u cant force me too. JK...
Ha ha ha!!!!
And now i am thinking of marrying christmas. Whats her number.
Shut up!!!
What if i dont shut up?
If u dont shut up Ill tell santa clause not to give u any christmas presents!!!
Well unfortunately santa doesnt listen to u. Santa is sick so ill be delivering tonight and blore is definitely not on my route.
U giving the presents to all the ppl in the world!Please!! Dont ull spoil the christmas.. I wished for a great internal paper which i can write and for even greater external paper, and some other stuff......What did u ask??
Sorry but i cant MARRY christmas. I wont and u cant force me too. JK...
Ha ha ha!!!!
And now i am thinking of marrying christmas. Whats her number.
Shut up!!!
What if i dont shut up?
If u dont shut up Ill tell santa clause not to give u any christmas presents!!!
Well unfortunately santa doesnt listen to u. Santa is sick so ill be delivering tonight and blore is definitely not on my route.
U giving the presents to all the ppl in the world!Please!! Dont ull spoil the christmas.. I wished for a great internal paper which i can write and for even greater external paper, and some other stuff......What did u ask??
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.
ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.
ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindu's, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations.
BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.
CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B thegoods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as give seach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.
CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.
CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.
CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.
CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe than those of his neighbor.
COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.
CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.
DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure.
EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.
ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindu's, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations.
BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.
CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B thegoods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as give seach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.
CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.
CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.
CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.
CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe than those of his neighbor.
COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.
CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.
DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure.
EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
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