Normally I hate to read what I have written. It sounds so melodramatic and over the top at times. But I just tried to read what I had written a few years back. I think I have definitely improved my writing style. I wish someone would confirm that. But then no one really reads this blog anyhow.
Whatever!
Steps in sand is reminded to be my this. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. Avi didn't believe that. She said that we have to remove the signs of our steps. I didn't believe that. I think if we ever go back, we'd be curious to find our steps, and if we ever by chance run across some forgotten steps, then it would be like serendipity. And we can sit there and stare at them. But then what fun would that be? What would that accomplish? But then what would anything accomplish. I realize the vanity and futility of it all each day.
I haven't had a crazy soul talk with anybody for months now. No one would understand it even if I tried. I sometimes wonder what really happened. I get no answers. But then yeah if I was 22, then the mere thought of NO ANSWER would have killed me day and night. Now it just doesn't anymore. I am ok.
Change is constant. We might be in awe or fascinated by a person or say his ideas. But that person is not constant. He or she is continously changing too. So its fair to say that we are fascinated by that time. And envious time does not hold back for anyone. So if we try harder then we end up ruining that time as well. Maybe I will get an answer some day, but I wouldn't bet on it. And I know the answer really. It's like - get a life dude!
So, I was watching Wall-E this morning. Just the ending 20 minutes or so. That was exactly my idea of love. Somehow that idea of real true love never seems to be quite real. A love which is not really physical, but love for the sake of love. I realized lately that I am scared of sex. And love for me was something different. It was like this feeling for true kinda love, that I just can't explain. I guess I always thought that I would be in love one day, that true kinda love, that just you understand, which is so beyond that physical kinda love. But then over the years now, the in your face real world has just shelled me too much. And then I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, and I just realize that I won't get that love really. I probably least deserve it either. Anyhow, its just some crazy idea that I can't even explain.
I am supposed to be working right now. But my eyes are really tired. I wanna say something but its mostly unexplainable. And thats why I am blogging here right now in the morning. Its crossroads all over again. And I am 26 now. 24 was better. 22 I was a kid. And 26 now I feel too old.
Tell me its all gonna be ok and I am gonna say its not.....
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Lonely Shepherd
Luke 15:4 What man of you having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the other ninety and nine in the wilderness and go after the one which is lost, until he finds it.
Santiago sold his sheep though!
The world is too full of people. Too many people.
Would you cross the road just to not walk in the wrong way? I didn't even know there was a wrong way for walking?
The lonely shepherd sits there, searching for his sheep. The sheep just doesnt exist. He doesnt quite realise that yet. As for the ninety and nine he left in the wilderness, they are probably dead too by now. Or maybe not. Who can say that for sure?
It might be a quarterlife crisis or just a stirring in my soul....
I flipped through the contacts on my phone a hundred times. I don't see a name that I can share silence with. Silence that speaks louder than words. They say I don't speak, but then I do, they just fail to listen.
What if the shepherd eats up all the sheep? He could get hungry you know?
Either way, the sheep must die. And the shepherd must take all the blame...
Santiago sold his sheep though!
The world is too full of people. Too many people.
Would you cross the road just to not walk in the wrong way? I didn't even know there was a wrong way for walking?
The lonely shepherd sits there, searching for his sheep. The sheep just doesnt exist. He doesnt quite realise that yet. As for the ninety and nine he left in the wilderness, they are probably dead too by now. Or maybe not. Who can say that for sure?
It might be a quarterlife crisis or just a stirring in my soul....
I flipped through the contacts on my phone a hundred times. I don't see a name that I can share silence with. Silence that speaks louder than words. They say I don't speak, but then I do, they just fail to listen.
What if the shepherd eats up all the sheep? He could get hungry you know?
Either way, the sheep must die. And the shepherd must take all the blame...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Ouch!
Is it true that your whole life runs through your head when you are about to die? I have been experiencing that in the last few weeks.
Random memories flash through my head, completely unrelated, completely helpless. At work, while traveling, while eating, while watching tv, while sleeping, while waking up, while doing anything. They are just haunting me so much.
There is that horrible memory of walking through an empty road at 3am in the night with my cousin. That was a horrible night.
Then heart broken that winter. Sitting in that class, feeling a pain I had never in my life before. I thought that time wouldn't pass. And now I find it hard to recollect it at times.
Go a little forward. Staring at those empty fields in Bhutan in the morning I am leaving after 10 days of sulking. Those could have been really special 10 days. But I wasted them. Realizing that morning of how wonderful it was there.
Go back many years into a classroom. I slapped a guy and his glasses flew off. And we became friends. Why that memory?
Go back many years again. Bionic... bionic six.... Can I please go there? Lemme be there again please.
Go forward into the present just 2 years back. That wonderful day at Kovalam Beach. That was a really wonderful day. The lighthouse, the wind, the soft rain, friends.
All those memories. I am not them. They are not me. I couldn't be them. They wouldn't wanna be me. I finally deduced the exact point in time I want to return to. Its start of 1993. I wanna start from there. I am 9, and with immense hope. I am thinking I am special in life. I am gonna be someone wonderful. Not this worn down loser.
I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you
But I can never find the words to say and I don't know why
I can't find the words to say and I don't know why
Random memories flash through my head, completely unrelated, completely helpless. At work, while traveling, while eating, while watching tv, while sleeping, while waking up, while doing anything. They are just haunting me so much.
There is that horrible memory of walking through an empty road at 3am in the night with my cousin. That was a horrible night.
Then heart broken that winter. Sitting in that class, feeling a pain I had never in my life before. I thought that time wouldn't pass. And now I find it hard to recollect it at times.
Go a little forward. Staring at those empty fields in Bhutan in the morning I am leaving after 10 days of sulking. Those could have been really special 10 days. But I wasted them. Realizing that morning of how wonderful it was there.
Go back many years into a classroom. I slapped a guy and his glasses flew off. And we became friends. Why that memory?
Go back many years again. Bionic... bionic six.... Can I please go there? Lemme be there again please.
Go forward into the present just 2 years back. That wonderful day at Kovalam Beach. That was a really wonderful day. The lighthouse, the wind, the soft rain, friends.
All those memories. I am not them. They are not me. I couldn't be them. They wouldn't wanna be me. I finally deduced the exact point in time I want to return to. Its start of 1993. I wanna start from there. I am 9, and with immense hope. I am thinking I am special in life. I am gonna be someone wonderful. Not this worn down loser.
I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you
But I can never find the words to say and I don't know why
I can't find the words to say and I don't know why
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Runaway Bride.....
I am not engaged any more. I finally said no this morning. Those were 2 hellish weeks.
I really recommend that arranged marriage is not for the soft hearted. It just didn't work out for me. I just couldn't imagine the rest of my life with that person. Maybe the feeling was mutual. It just felt like one big family happy making compromise. I am sorry I had to be selfish and break it off.
There was a lot of drama. There would be much more in the coming days. The girls parents would probably come down and shout at us. I think they are justified. I think I was an idiot in saying yes. But I am really relieved now.
This puts off my wedding for an year atleast. I now understand how big a commitment marriage is. And its not meant for me right now. I really hope that the girl forgets me quite quickly. And she finds someone really soon. I feel for her, but sometimes its best to be selfish, if you wanna live your life.
I was losing myself there for a time. But I am glad I finally pulled through. It just cleared my mind up a little bit too. I can now look for jobs outside Delhi. I think I ought to try just once more. Don't you think so?
Runaway Bride is an awesome movie too. People around here don't understand the fear marriage can cause. But I really vouch for it. Marriage is on hell of a thing, and you should only do it if you are 100% convinced about it.
I really recommend that arranged marriage is not for the soft hearted. It just didn't work out for me. I just couldn't imagine the rest of my life with that person. Maybe the feeling was mutual. It just felt like one big family happy making compromise. I am sorry I had to be selfish and break it off.
There was a lot of drama. There would be much more in the coming days. The girls parents would probably come down and shout at us. I think they are justified. I think I was an idiot in saying yes. But I am really relieved now.
This puts off my wedding for an year atleast. I now understand how big a commitment marriage is. And its not meant for me right now. I really hope that the girl forgets me quite quickly. And she finds someone really soon. I feel for her, but sometimes its best to be selfish, if you wanna live your life.
I was losing myself there for a time. But I am glad I finally pulled through. It just cleared my mind up a little bit too. I can now look for jobs outside Delhi. I think I ought to try just once more. Don't you think so?
Runaway Bride is an awesome movie too. People around here don't understand the fear marriage can cause. But I really vouch for it. Marriage is on hell of a thing, and you should only do it if you are 100% convinced about it.
Monday, March 01, 2010
A lot of steps back....
Steps taken forward but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
I asked my boss at TCS if he could help me come back to TCS. I am taking a lot of steps back. Is it so hard to take steps forward?
I am having a mid life identity crisis. Wikipedia defines the characteristics as :
Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:
* search of an undefined dream or goal
* a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
* desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
* need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
I fit all of those. I need a psychiatrist for sure now.
I don't know if Manoj will be able to help me get back. He had a smirk laughter when I told him I wanted to be back. There will be a lot of those. They may not just want me back now I guess. But seriously this new office is too stressful for me.
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
I asked my boss at TCS if he could help me come back to TCS. I am taking a lot of steps back. Is it so hard to take steps forward?
I am having a mid life identity crisis. Wikipedia defines the characteristics as :
Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:
* search of an undefined dream or goal
* a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
* desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
* need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
I fit all of those. I need a psychiatrist for sure now.
I don't know if Manoj will be able to help me get back. He had a smirk laughter when I told him I wanted to be back. There will be a lot of those. They may not just want me back now I guess. But seriously this new office is too stressful for me.
Getting engaged....
I am finally getting engaged soon. Its not really how I imagined it would be. I have had a really horific week.
One day it was yes, the other it was not. I contemplated so much. I thought so many ways to get out of this one. I even thought about declaring that I am gay (for now atleast!). That would give me lots of years. I could just come back later and say that I lied. That would have been really rebellious, and my alter ego would have been really proud of me. I would have packed my bags and left for Chennai/Tanzania.
I have had so many discussions on this with so many people. I can't do another one now. My mom was literally crying. And my other alter ego had declared me the shallowest person on Planet Earth. And I even thought about jumping off the rooftop. But that would have been really selfish. And the person I am getting married to seems like such a unselfish, normal, dedicated kinda person. Thats scary for me. Not that its not good, but its just kinda something kinda.
I never thought and I still dont think that I can survive the ordeals of a marriage process. Gosh, its giving me a lot of jitters already. And a part of me is telling me to run away from all this. Ofcourse its gonna cause a hell lot of pain to my mom. Thats just whats holding me back I guess. Why do I have to think about it so much?
I feel like I compromised with my dreams. Avi was so much braver than me. It would have been nice talking to her. I guess she would have helped me clear my head. But she kinda left me on my own. I don't know why. Maybe she died. How would I ever know? Gosh I wish I could turn the time back a little back now. Another moment added. Maybe to last sunday. Maybe to First week of January. Maybe to December 2nd. Maybe to October last week.
Its weird but I might have been in Chile, and I might have died in the earthquake too. I missed that opportunity.
I've acted so impulsively lately. I could still come up with a plan if you want me to. The Gay Act is going to fail cos I confided someone in it. Then there is the Scare Girl Act. And the Runaway Act. That reminds me of the movie the Runaway Bride.
Gosh, I really realize now, how big a thing marriage is. It's like Bigger than anything. I mean there are so many choices we make that we define our lives. So many If's. Like maybe if I chose Science rather than commerce, I might have been a great engineer. Or I might have died during ragging. But then that was somehow smaller than this. And I even tried to explain to the girl that I was quite confused. But she somehow didn't seem confused. Gawd! How can you not be confused about this. I don't think she will really understand me. But yeah then not many people have. I could count them on my fingers, and I wouldn't need 5 of them.
So is this what I was destined for Dear God? Was this the purpose of my stupid life? Tell me I didn't just give up my life like this. I really like to meet you now. It's been so unfair on me. I really hell like to meet you now. Could you please come up to meet me. You know Sudeep, please meet me in another life now, and tell me how sorry you were for messing my life up. I really really really really really really really really really really hate you Sudeep. You sold me out again... maybe for the last time... unrepairably....
One day it was yes, the other it was not. I contemplated so much. I thought so many ways to get out of this one. I even thought about declaring that I am gay (for now atleast!). That would give me lots of years. I could just come back later and say that I lied. That would have been really rebellious, and my alter ego would have been really proud of me. I would have packed my bags and left for Chennai/Tanzania.
I have had so many discussions on this with so many people. I can't do another one now. My mom was literally crying. And my other alter ego had declared me the shallowest person on Planet Earth. And I even thought about jumping off the rooftop. But that would have been really selfish. And the person I am getting married to seems like such a unselfish, normal, dedicated kinda person. Thats scary for me. Not that its not good, but its just kinda something kinda.
I never thought and I still dont think that I can survive the ordeals of a marriage process. Gosh, its giving me a lot of jitters already. And a part of me is telling me to run away from all this. Ofcourse its gonna cause a hell lot of pain to my mom. Thats just whats holding me back I guess. Why do I have to think about it so much?
I feel like I compromised with my dreams. Avi was so much braver than me. It would have been nice talking to her. I guess she would have helped me clear my head. But she kinda left me on my own. I don't know why. Maybe she died. How would I ever know? Gosh I wish I could turn the time back a little back now. Another moment added. Maybe to last sunday. Maybe to First week of January. Maybe to December 2nd. Maybe to October last week.
Its weird but I might have been in Chile, and I might have died in the earthquake too. I missed that opportunity.
I've acted so impulsively lately. I could still come up with a plan if you want me to. The Gay Act is going to fail cos I confided someone in it. Then there is the Scare Girl Act. And the Runaway Act. That reminds me of the movie the Runaway Bride.
Gosh, I really realize now, how big a thing marriage is. It's like Bigger than anything. I mean there are so many choices we make that we define our lives. So many If's. Like maybe if I chose Science rather than commerce, I might have been a great engineer. Or I might have died during ragging. But then that was somehow smaller than this. And I even tried to explain to the girl that I was quite confused. But she somehow didn't seem confused. Gawd! How can you not be confused about this. I don't think she will really understand me. But yeah then not many people have. I could count them on my fingers, and I wouldn't need 5 of them.
So is this what I was destined for Dear God? Was this the purpose of my stupid life? Tell me I didn't just give up my life like this. I really like to meet you now. It's been so unfair on me. I really hell like to meet you now. Could you please come up to meet me. You know Sudeep, please meet me in another life now, and tell me how sorry you were for messing my life up. I really really really really really really really really really really hate you Sudeep. You sold me out again... maybe for the last time... unrepairably....
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