It's Getting So Cold!

It's that time of the year again. Wishing season. I would like a few wishes too. Please.....

Did you die? There is no other way to tell if you are really alive?

I was re reading - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Snape's tale still made me feel really bad. I wish he got what he really wanted too.

I want a long holiday. I wanna quit my job and be unemployed for the winter. I would like to have old times back. I would like to have someone to talk to. These is so much nonsense that has been unsaid in the last few months. I wish I had someone to share all this nonsense.

For the first time since I left home, I feel like I should go back. I feel so tired....

There’s a heavy cloud inside my head,
I feel so tired put myself into bed
Well nothing ever happens, and I wonder..

I am trying hard, but I am just quite tired. Why does one have to work? Couldn't we do something we enjoyed more. Though what would that be? Damn, I just screwed up again. Regret, Regret, Regret. Too much of it to be carrying around. Monsters inside my head are just eating me up. I almost had an anxiety attack at work and I was so close to crying. This is not what I want to do!! This is not where I want to be!! Monsters inside were eating me up... It's not going to work out. Why doesn't a bus hit me.....

My father is leaving for Japan within 2 weeks. I wish I could just quit my job and go to Japan. I kinda understand the importance of money now. The necessary evil. It's funny how the passing of each year is making me more reclusive and closed down. I wouldn't have done or said the things I did last year.

I also somehow stupidly feel that I shouldn't have quit my last job. I was comfortable there. Winter would have lasted beautifully there among friends. I just so desperately wanted to quit from there. But why? I don't know now. It was a really stupid decision. I am scared of going to office once more. It's like that school changing thing all over again. Why did I have to do that to myself? If I ever get through this once more, please remind me never to do it again.

I feel like crying.... I want time to stop. I want time to rewind. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want to do so much in the past. I have been such an idiot. Why do we always realize things when we can't do anything about them? It's just a terrible arrangement to have. Please make necessary changes God. Or please give me 3 wishes. I promise I won't wish anything for myself..... After all its wishing season once more......

Who Am I?

You're lost little girl
You're lost little girl
You're lost
Tell me who
Are you?

I am really wondering who am I? What do I really want? And why am I not thinking more often about it? Why can't I be free to be who I am? (That is after I figure out who I am). Do you get some kind of sadistic pleasure at trying to be this mysterious figure. Or maybe I am just born at the wrong place at the wrong time. Another compromise with dreams, with life, with myself. Another cage.

Did you exchange a walk on part of the war for a lead role in a cage?

It just seems to me that you are waiting for life to end. You wake up and go to office, and you want it to end quickly. Then you come back and you just want to sleep and the day to end, and a new day to start. Then you want the whole week to fast forward to the weekend. Then you want the weekend to end so that you can start a new week. Where do you want it to stop. Is there any exact moment that you are fond of in between all this? Or do you just wanna keep running, into it, out of it, over it, under it... and all other kind of ways that only you can imagine. You are just waiting for everything to end.

I am sorry for it.. but I just can't seem to do anything about it.


Just an After Thought : A person dies and then all that remains is his memories with people who he mattered to. And then those people die, and that person is forgotten into the oblivion. And then all the dreams, thoughts and acts of that person are lost. And then you wonder, if you wonder then, what we made out of that life?

Of "Shanelle" and Stuff

This was a new week in a new organization. God, why do they have these induction programmes. Its always the same - GMCS, ILP, here, wherever.

So just my luck again, it normally doesn't happen here, but on this occasion there are around 12-15 people to be inducted all the same time. Awful. More the people, more the nonsense. And then before you can even get a grip of what is going on, you discover that there are somehow Pre-Made Groups, which have imported into this organization.

The star attraction was this group of college graduated from SRCC. Three girls and a guy. Up class kiddos (not their fault!). And they really got on my nerves. I don't know why these kinda people do. One of them goes - Oh I couldn't find that dress at shanelle (Chanel for me)...and - have you had caviar....


Whatever....Maybe, just maybe, I don't fit into this corporate stuff. I can't fake it here. I really wanna be somewhere warmer, with people I am comfortable with (if they exist), and not talk about superficial things. There are these other people, who pretend to be who they are not, apart from a couple of them. And then of course there is this prettier girl, who will get preferred (she actually is), and people will wanna talk to her and help her out. If I survive the first 6 months here, a mental and a written note - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don't change your Job before 5 years atleast...

And then today the technical training started. It's quite different. I don't know if I will get the hang of it soon enough. I was actually trying to put everything in perspective with a Software Development Life Cycle. Funny way to look at things. But yeah its like relating things.

And then I got my seat today. It's at really awful place. Behind me sits a guy, who probably is a CA too, and he seems to be like a real suck up guy to me. Not genuinely nice at all. Then there are these 2 ladies sitting to the right. I asked one of them for help on configuring my system, and of course the standard reply was to contact the IT department. That's OK though. But then she asks me, why I haven't left as the cabs are about to leave. I say I live nearby. She couldn't understand, so I repeat again - I live nearby so I don't need a cab. She actually asks the other girl - What is he saying? THAT was incredible. I think I was speaking audibly enough and wasn't mumbling. And I went red in the ears. God! Kiddo, you are a grown up guy. Stop being embarrassed. The other girl of course wasn't as deaf, so she told her what I said.

So, there is more training till next friday. God help me.

This place is already started to get to my nerves. I don't think I will survive here...

Random Thought#678 : Oh yeah, I also realised that I have completely stopped watching television. I don't watch any from Monday to Friday. Wow! Incredible! I don't feel the need to watch television anymore. That's really weird. Television is like the only possible urban thing to do. I am getting really weird. By the way, watching television kills brain cells, provided you have any....

..........................

I am a bloody looooserrr!

I am really annoyed with myself..

I am such a coward

I am really a weirdo

I am feeling really terrible

I am not really up for life

I am not really gonna survive

I am going to sleep

Uncommon Sense (Sigh!)

Here we go again. Maybe I have been criticizing others a lot during the past 1-2 weeks. It's got me in a fierce flared up mood.

So, here is what gets me ticked off - LACK OF COMMON SENSE. It's supposed to be common right? Or am I being a snob? Maybe yeah, I was telling myself to back off a bit, and be a little more polite, cos life has this funny way of saying BOOYA, IN YOUR FACE.

Ahhh common sense! Or rather the lack of it. It just infuriates me. Maybe it shouldn't. Because common sense is uncommon. But then, it sounds common, so I take it to be common. So if people applied half their brains then they would get all the answers to their problems. (See I am being a jerk again! I am even writing like a jerk now!)

But geez, I am in such a fierce mood to not forgive. It's been bad actually. Last 1-2 weeks. Since this mood kicked in. I don't really know where I get this idea that somehow I am smarter than most people I meet. But its this jerky attitude thats really alienating me from most people.

But its nothing new in my head. I have had it forever, as far as I remember. I never really had friends. And the ones I had wouldn't last for long. It was always because my best friend was my ownself. So, no one else could meet up to those expectations. I know I am pathetic too. But I don't know what creeped in. But then people around me have lately shown very little sense. So, I have ended up telling them that exactly. Sometimes not really politely. Sometimes my tone has been insulting.

Damn! So, I am this idiotic snob (just the thing I wished I hadnt become), who doesnt have friends, cos most of the time he thinks he smarter than other people. What a JERK! Sounds like a big one to me. So, would you rather have me dumber?

I ain't a genius, but I ran across a nice little article :

http://uncommonsense101.com/

Geniuses differ from learned people. Education is an accomplishment, and it will open doors, but it doesn't do much for a person's 'uncommon sense.' Education, for the most part, has been reduced to knowing which answer goes on which line. Amongst the throngs of people who now have that piece of paper that tells the world 'this person knows which answer goes on which line' and those who do not, are some people whose thought power is so much greater than common that they can describe things that will boggle the minds of the others without trying to boggle their minds.

Maybe, you don't need to discover that E=MC2 to be a genius. But then maybe I could be stretching it. Geez, I should delete this post, lest someone think I am narcissistic.

Yeah I know I aint a genius, but this article has some notable points to look at.


P.S.- Or maybe I am just going crazy. Shit, its really kicking in. This craziness. It's just running all over my mind. I am running out of people to talk to or call, so I come here to babble. Maybe this blog will throw me out too....


Random After Thought : Lest I forget, we write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. I just re read my first post. It sounds really good.

Not so Random After After Thought : I google everything these days, EVERYTHING! Even what people say, or what I think. FYR, I just googled - sgcray is an asshole! There should be no after thought today after this, I hope.

Maybe We'll Find Better Days....

You know, writing this blog on the laptop is no fun. I just don't enjoy it. I like it here, in this room, sinking in this chair, and looking up to the monitor (which apparently has changed), listening to alternate rock, and at best in winter. I have some memories of many nights in the same setting. Winter of 2006-07 and 2007-08. Those were really creative times.

There was one night I heard - "Look What You've Done" more than 20 times non stop. And then was another for - "Stuck in a Moment". Some songs just seemed to last the whole night.

Friday was another day at office. Another day, another fight. I realized the futility and vanity of all that fighting. I want to things the quality way, maybe my quality way, which is sometimes not really quality either. So my idea of right is anyhow flawed. Which I might add is any idea of right. Nothing can ever be right a hundred percent. And maybe I just think too much and want to change too much at the same time. It's not a city building game, where you can demolish and build all over again. Somethings just can't be undone.

Are you such a dreamer to put the world to rights
I'd stay home forever wherever two and two always makes a five.

If you try to decide to put the world to rights, then maybe you were never meant to do that. It's like putting to motion an snowball, which rolls and then becomes gigantic, and you cannot foresee its effects. While you might say that all you did was roll a small snowball, it just became too huge for everyone down under. (But then I wonder if my not throwing a snowball could also have a similar impact?)

Random Thought : So, one day I was thinking, if I was allowed to meet one person in the whole world, dead or alive, ever lived, who would I like to meet? I thought and thought and thought. And I just couldn't come up with an answer. A musician? No, I like their music, but what would I say to them. A writer? Douglas Adams? No... what would I say to him? Then? Some scientist? Why would he wanna waste his time to meet me...

And thats when it struck me. I would like to meet a person, whose answer to this question would be me. Somebody who would really like to meet me. I don't think right now anyone in this whole world would really like to meet me. I don't think anybody in the whole world actually thinks or likes me at this moment. God! Thats really awful, but that's just me. Geez... the pressure of a wasted life....

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

Finally Resigned....

Geez... the last 4-5 months have been hellish. I have spent numerous days, nights, afternoon contemplating the day I would resign from this company. And finally it has come.

Everything started to go wrong around the time Amit left the Team. And then Mahua left the Team too. And suddenly I felt all lost, and my eyes kinda opened. What the hell was I doing here? I was happy writing queries, and solving stupid issues, which never seem to end. And to work on a system that seemed to be getting complex by the day. And then I could never understand why I liked my work in the first place.

Geez.. I was a chartered accountant (I think), and here I was writing complex PL/SQL queries and procedures and what not. And fighting managers cos I wanted to improve the system and they didnt give a damn to usability. Why? Why was I so bothered? How the hell does it matter to me? Well it somehow did. I spent almost 3 months aimlessly trying to find out everything on wikipedia. From Hitler to Nostradamus to Let there Be light and to every possible phrase that was coming into my mind. Everything was being googled and wikipeded. And I spent the best part of my day doing that.

Then I ran away from office at 4, and spent the best part of the evening searching for Jobs at every location possible. I was interested in Tanzania too. Seemed like a wonderful place to me. But somehow nobody wanted me. I put myself on discount too. Take me up, and I might reduce 10% off my current CTC. Everyday on my way to office, I would mentally write my Resignation Mail to the team. On somedays it would be a polite goodbye, on others it would be a scorcher. And when I wasnt daydreaming or googling, I was busy fighting bosses. I had tons of fights. I just could'nt understand why they wouldnt release me from this project when I wasnt doing anything. But then thats TCS for you.

Meanwhile there was a side flank fight for my confirmation letter and salary increment. That didnt matter much though. But I kept fighting.

Finally last week on wednesday, after returning from office at 4.30, and taking another saridon for my splitting headache, I found what I was looking for. No this job would not send me to egypt. Nor will it send me to Bangalore or Hyderabad. Nor will it pay me more than I earn currently. But it just seemed nice enough to leave this company. It seemed like a job I wanted, and I could do well at. A Financial Analyst with Ernst & Young. Nice profile, nice company, same location, and lots of work. Yes sir, give me work, and lots of work, that just seems to keep me occupied and happy. Yes I am one of those stupidly hardworking employees that never seem to tire of work.

So, when I finally told Manoj to initiate my seperation process on friday, I just couldnt hide my smile. Its been really tiring, and I just hope that this next place turns out to be better than here.

I guess I have literally fighting all my way through TCS, right from the start. And yeah that has given me tremendous confidence. I can take on anybody. Yeah!!! :)

Well..now I have a month to write a nice goodbye speech as I serve my notice period. And then its astalavista baby!!

Just Like Old Times.....

The world is round... life is round... its a big circle.

And once again, I find myself at somehow the same mental state as 2 years back. Now I am bunking work at TCS, instead of my CA Classes and SRC.

Life also got a whole lot complicated... Marriage.. Job... Life... Freedom... Survival... Friends... Survival... Family... Oh did I mention survival...

I hate this horrible job right now. I can't think of a reason why I liked it in the first place now. I am tired of desperately looking for jobs in job sites. I am tired of writing those fucking mails to consultants. I rue some stupid missed opportunities that may or may not have turned right. I rue what I said to that Evosys guy on thursday. But its a hell lot complicated.

I haven't wrote for a long time now... and thats cos I just didn't have the energy. Its being slowly sucked out of me.

I saw 2 girls as well for this arranged marriage thing. And I said yes to one. Gawd! Now I am thinking why did I say yes to her in the first place. But anyhow she didn't wanna get married and that was the end of that.

So, now what?

Elimination ought to do the trick right. But wrong. Its not helping either.

1.I wanna Quit the current Job.
2.I dont wanna go back to my home.
3.I wanna hopefully quit Gurgaon.
4.I wanna see the world. (Pyramids, Europe, Latin America, Angkor Wat, Pearl Harbour etc. etc.)
5.I wanna secure a future (Just in case the world doesnt end in 2012)


But I don't know how and where to start. I am stuck again. Damn! And now I am bunking work. I hate that office. I hate these big companies. They are so horribly pathetic.

Maybe you need to experience everything to figure out what you want. But then life doesnt give you that much opportunities to figure out life. So its a catch-22 situation which I just cant figure out.

I think I will take the evosys job if they take me up too. But I dont think they will take me now. Shit... more job search ahead today.

Btw... The Last Remnant is a nice game...


Each time it comes it eats me alive
I try to behave but it eats me alive
So I declare a holiday
Fall asleep, Drift away

Ipso Facto.....You Know I Am Shallow.......

Its one of those very pathetic nights where I have daringly wandered to my blog. My deserted outpost... I can never read what I have written.... Doesn't seem right. Probably this blog isn't read anyhow.

It's almost been an year in this job. It's been an year since things started to change (for good or worse time will tell). I feel very bad tonight. I am becoming this aloof selfish guy who is terribly disappointing himself. Plus I am still no good at running my life.

Office has just become another hideout place, where time must be spent doing trivial things which have no higher purpose in life. I probably need to go the office more than the office needs me to come. I wouldn't have and I don't have anything else in my life. It's just become this stupid short term goal in life, to fix defects, to do rollouts, to do datafixes, to do every inconsequential thing in the world.

I can't feel anything inside. I come to this room and just sleep. When I am here, I feel like running back to delhi. When I am at delhi, I feel like running out of there. I don't have anything to talk about with anyone. It's like I don't belong anywhere. It wouldn't matter where I am. A purposeless life is a terrible sin. But then I don't have the drive or energy or skills to find a higher purpose in life.

If I get this early confirmation, which I should, then it would make my life tougher. I would find it harder to get out of this project. But then I would want to get it to showoff. Thats all. It doesn't mean anything more to me. I would wanna smash it on a few people's faces. But I don't know if I will escape to some place else, maybe abroad. But knowing me, it would hardly make a difference where I lived.

Stone Roses.... I feel like listening to a lot of music tonight. Its just one of those nights that make me realise how shallow I am.

A very wasted shallow life..... God spare my soul for wasting it.....


Down down, you bring me down
I hear you knocking at my door and I cant sleep at night
Your face, it has no place
No room for you inside my house I need to be alone

Twenty Five.......

Hey, Its been a very long time since I last wrote anything. I have been wanting to do it for a long time now. Should have done it on New Year. Can't say that I haven't had time. I have had tons of time. But just didn't have the energy or drive to write anything. I think I started to loose myself out there.

It's my birthday today. So I should write. I must write. That would be a sin, if I didn't write on my birthday. Thats always like a ritual. Should have actually done that yesterday. But was kinda going into memory lane yesterday with Avi. That was quite funny actually going back to the oldest chat archives.

Stuck in a moment... is playing on the laptop. Yes, I got a laptop in december. I like the PC better though. It was more fun being in front of that. Miss those dark thoughtful nights that I never thought I would get out. It would be completely ridiculous if I started to summarize the last 4 months. So, I wouldn't do that.

It was a very boring normal birthday like every year. Now, I return on some weekends to my home, and feel like a complete stranger. And then I go back to gurgaon, and I feel like I got to get out of there too. So, where is it that I really belong???? No clue. Life never makes sense.

So, now I am sitting here thinking about who can I talk to. Nobody. I haven't really been in touch with anybody in the last few months. Haven't even been in touch with myself. Amit, my roomie ofcourse has been a good friend. But I wouldn't have much to talk to him about either. I don't think I connect with anyone. Its something that nothing can be done about...

So, I am 25. That's a lot. Twenty Five. Still feel insecured and kiddish. Need to grow up really fast this year. Need to calm myself. Need to do a hundred things right. But don't need to really get mad at myself for failing.

And oh yeah the wings, didn't really come out yet. But I guess that's cos I haven't allowed them to...