Finally Resigned....

Geez... the last 4-5 months have been hellish. I have spent numerous days, nights, afternoon contemplating the day I would resign from this company. And finally it has come.

Everything started to go wrong around the time Amit left the Team. And then Mahua left the Team too. And suddenly I felt all lost, and my eyes kinda opened. What the hell was I doing here? I was happy writing queries, and solving stupid issues, which never seem to end. And to work on a system that seemed to be getting complex by the day. And then I could never understand why I liked my work in the first place.

Geez.. I was a chartered accountant (I think), and here I was writing complex PL/SQL queries and procedures and what not. And fighting managers cos I wanted to improve the system and they didnt give a damn to usability. Why? Why was I so bothered? How the hell does it matter to me? Well it somehow did. I spent almost 3 months aimlessly trying to find out everything on wikipedia. From Hitler to Nostradamus to Let there Be light and to every possible phrase that was coming into my mind. Everything was being googled and wikipeded. And I spent the best part of my day doing that.

Then I ran away from office at 4, and spent the best part of the evening searching for Jobs at every location possible. I was interested in Tanzania too. Seemed like a wonderful place to me. But somehow nobody wanted me. I put myself on discount too. Take me up, and I might reduce 10% off my current CTC. Everyday on my way to office, I would mentally write my Resignation Mail to the team. On somedays it would be a polite goodbye, on others it would be a scorcher. And when I wasnt daydreaming or googling, I was busy fighting bosses. I had tons of fights. I just could'nt understand why they wouldnt release me from this project when I wasnt doing anything. But then thats TCS for you.

Meanwhile there was a side flank fight for my confirmation letter and salary increment. That didnt matter much though. But I kept fighting.

Finally last week on wednesday, after returning from office at 4.30, and taking another saridon for my splitting headache, I found what I was looking for. No this job would not send me to egypt. Nor will it send me to Bangalore or Hyderabad. Nor will it pay me more than I earn currently. But it just seemed nice enough to leave this company. It seemed like a job I wanted, and I could do well at. A Financial Analyst with Ernst & Young. Nice profile, nice company, same location, and lots of work. Yes sir, give me work, and lots of work, that just seems to keep me occupied and happy. Yes I am one of those stupidly hardworking employees that never seem to tire of work.

So, when I finally told Manoj to initiate my seperation process on friday, I just couldnt hide my smile. Its been really tiring, and I just hope that this next place turns out to be better than here.

I guess I have literally fighting all my way through TCS, right from the start. And yeah that has given me tremendous confidence. I can take on anybody. Yeah!!! :)

Well..now I have a month to write a nice goodbye speech as I serve my notice period. And then its astalavista baby!!

Just Like Old Times.....

The world is round... life is round... its a big circle.

And once again, I find myself at somehow the same mental state as 2 years back. Now I am bunking work at TCS, instead of my CA Classes and SRC.

Life also got a whole lot complicated... Marriage.. Job... Life... Freedom... Survival... Friends... Survival... Family... Oh did I mention survival...

I hate this horrible job right now. I can't think of a reason why I liked it in the first place now. I am tired of desperately looking for jobs in job sites. I am tired of writing those fucking mails to consultants. I rue some stupid missed opportunities that may or may not have turned right. I rue what I said to that Evosys guy on thursday. But its a hell lot complicated.

I haven't wrote for a long time now... and thats cos I just didn't have the energy. Its being slowly sucked out of me.

I saw 2 girls as well for this arranged marriage thing. And I said yes to one. Gawd! Now I am thinking why did I say yes to her in the first place. But anyhow she didn't wanna get married and that was the end of that.

So, now what?

Elimination ought to do the trick right. But wrong. Its not helping either.

1.I wanna Quit the current Job.
2.I dont wanna go back to my home.
3.I wanna hopefully quit Gurgaon.
4.I wanna see the world. (Pyramids, Europe, Latin America, Angkor Wat, Pearl Harbour etc. etc.)
5.I wanna secure a future (Just in case the world doesnt end in 2012)


But I don't know how and where to start. I am stuck again. Damn! And now I am bunking work. I hate that office. I hate these big companies. They are so horribly pathetic.

Maybe you need to experience everything to figure out what you want. But then life doesnt give you that much opportunities to figure out life. So its a catch-22 situation which I just cant figure out.

I think I will take the evosys job if they take me up too. But I dont think they will take me now. Shit... more job search ahead today.

Btw... The Last Remnant is a nice game...


Each time it comes it eats me alive
I try to behave but it eats me alive
So I declare a holiday
Fall asleep, Drift away

Ipso Facto.....You Know I Am Shallow.......

Its one of those very pathetic nights where I have daringly wandered to my blog. My deserted outpost... I can never read what I have written.... Doesn't seem right. Probably this blog isn't read anyhow.

It's almost been an year in this job. It's been an year since things started to change (for good or worse time will tell). I feel very bad tonight. I am becoming this aloof selfish guy who is terribly disappointing himself. Plus I am still no good at running my life.

Office has just become another hideout place, where time must be spent doing trivial things which have no higher purpose in life. I probably need to go the office more than the office needs me to come. I wouldn't have and I don't have anything else in my life. It's just become this stupid short term goal in life, to fix defects, to do rollouts, to do datafixes, to do every inconsequential thing in the world.

I can't feel anything inside. I come to this room and just sleep. When I am here, I feel like running back to delhi. When I am at delhi, I feel like running out of there. I don't have anything to talk about with anyone. It's like I don't belong anywhere. It wouldn't matter where I am. A purposeless life is a terrible sin. But then I don't have the drive or energy or skills to find a higher purpose in life.

If I get this early confirmation, which I should, then it would make my life tougher. I would find it harder to get out of this project. But then I would want to get it to showoff. Thats all. It doesn't mean anything more to me. I would wanna smash it on a few people's faces. But I don't know if I will escape to some place else, maybe abroad. But knowing me, it would hardly make a difference where I lived.

Stone Roses.... I feel like listening to a lot of music tonight. Its just one of those nights that make me realise how shallow I am.

A very wasted shallow life..... God spare my soul for wasting it.....


Down down, you bring me down
I hear you knocking at my door and I cant sleep at night
Your face, it has no place
No room for you inside my house I need to be alone

Twenty Five.......

Hey, Its been a very long time since I last wrote anything. I have been wanting to do it for a long time now. Should have done it on New Year. Can't say that I haven't had time. I have had tons of time. But just didn't have the energy or drive to write anything. I think I started to loose myself out there.

It's my birthday today. So I should write. I must write. That would be a sin, if I didn't write on my birthday. Thats always like a ritual. Should have actually done that yesterday. But was kinda going into memory lane yesterday with Avi. That was quite funny actually going back to the oldest chat archives.

Stuck in a moment... is playing on the laptop. Yes, I got a laptop in december. I like the PC better though. It was more fun being in front of that. Miss those dark thoughtful nights that I never thought I would get out. It would be completely ridiculous if I started to summarize the last 4 months. So, I wouldn't do that.

It was a very boring normal birthday like every year. Now, I return on some weekends to my home, and feel like a complete stranger. And then I go back to gurgaon, and I feel like I got to get out of there too. So, where is it that I really belong???? No clue. Life never makes sense.

So, now I am sitting here thinking about who can I talk to. Nobody. I haven't really been in touch with anybody in the last few months. Haven't even been in touch with myself. Amit, my roomie ofcourse has been a good friend. But I wouldn't have much to talk to him about either. I don't think I connect with anyone. Its something that nothing can be done about...

So, I am 25. That's a lot. Twenty Five. Still feel insecured and kiddish. Need to grow up really fast this year. Need to calm myself. Need to do a hundred things right. But don't need to really get mad at myself for failing.

And oh yeah the wings, didn't really come out yet. But I guess that's cos I haven't allowed them to...

Leaving Home.....

Finally leaving home tomorrow for Gurgaon.... Very scared..... Very unsure of whether its the right thing..... It's damn expensive as well....

Its not how I imagined I would leave.... I am feeling like I dunno, its really weird.... I gotta make the most of it, but I just dont know.... It's just Gurgaon, not London.... But London would have been better isnt it?

Very apprehensive.... Had a talk with Leena whether I am doing the right thing.... She said I was, but why am I feeling this strange yucky feeling.... like I am doing something wrong.... I am not.... Maybe... Maybe I am just being stupid....

I go back to Find the River by REM, one of my favourite songs.... I run into another page which reminds me of something I wrote long back and was probably meant to be found on this day..... long is just a strange word now.... the last 5 months haven't been long, but the things that happened last year seems so distant now.... It's all relative.... This is what I wrote last year:

This just became my favourite REM song!! Its incredible the way it just picks up. And the lyrics are amazing too. Everyone just has to find the river of his life I guess. Thats what this song is about. The flow of one's life can only be decided after you ascertained the right river. Most dont care about finding the river but then you might wash on a shore that you never meant to me.

The one person I would like to inform right now would probably be least interested in knowing all this.... I shared day dreams with her.... Felt really guilty for the last 4 months or so... Didn't have the courage to face myself or her or this blog..... It was all going down the drain.... Maybe 2007 will never be back again.... I guess thats the way a river runs.... its never turns back...

God help me..... pleaseeeeeeee ...... Make this work....

Hey now, little speedyhead,
The read on the speedometer says
You have to go to task in the city
Where people drown and people serve
Don't be shy. Your just deserve
Is only just light years to go

Dreams Compromised?? Part IV - Pink Floyd Night

Pink Floyd is always best when it is heard in pitch darkness, past midnight, when there is not a soul awake. I had so many of those nights when I would stay awake till 2am, listening to Floyd, chatting, playing computer games. But now with this job and all, I have to sleep at 10.30 max, in order to wake up to go to office next day. I miss those night excursions on the internet, feeling like a explorer on internet explorer, with the world in the screen. I miss trying to convince Avi my standpoint on things, and cursing the world.

While we were coming back from Trivandrum, I remember the second night in that compartment. Since we had only 2 seats, and there were 4 of us, there were two of us squeezed into each compartment. And that night it had rained, and the coach was leaking , and there was water everywhere. I found it difficult to sleep that night, especially with Ashish occupying more than half the space. So at around 1.30 am, I decided to call my sleep quits, and woke up and somehow managed to jump over Ashish to get out, without waking him up. I don't think even if I would have walked over him, he would have woke up.

Opposite our seat was an elderly couple and their grandson - Justin. We had been playing around with the little kid the whole way. They had to get off at Bhopal, at 2.30 am. So I thought I would take over their seat once they left. I went outside the A/C Coach, only to discover to my horror that there were hundreds of small cockroaches outside!! I quickly went inside. I dug out a little bit of space, and pushed Ashish a little inside. With Leena and Monika sleeping on the overhead berth, I had no choice but to sit uncomfortable on half my butt. The train had stopped. The elderly couple were still sleeping.

I pulled out my headphone, and started playing music - Pink Floyd - Shine on you Crazy Diamond. There is something about this song that I just love. And if you have ever heard it past midnight, you would know what I mean. And you don't need to be drunk or high on drugs to feel that magic. By the way, you never need to be drunk or trippy to feel magic. The music started playing, and I was lost in it. The first Eight and Half minutes of the song there are no words. Avi once said that music without words is better than music with words, I totally agree. I didn't have my glasses on, so I was kinda half blind anyway. But from the window I could see a blaze of light passing us. It was probably another train, but it looked somewhat different without the glasses on. At 3.58 in the song, the IInd part of the song starts. Ting Ting Ting Ting. And then it just builds, and then it takes you away.

The elderly uncle had woken up, probably curious as to what I was upto. I pushed the earphones harder into my ear, I didn't wanna be disturbed. He didn't disturb me either. He was probably babbling something to his wife.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun
Shine on you crazy diamond
Now there is a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky
Shine on you crazy diamond.......

I pulled out my mobile, I didn't have network. For the next hour or so, I was listening to Pink Floyd. It was awesome. Then I pulled out the earphones truly satisfied. The train was late, Bhopal came at around 4. I helped them out with their luggage, a lot of luggage, and said goodbye to Justin. Then I came inside and went to sleep on their berth. Didn't sleep much after that either, but it was truly a Pink Floyd night. Can't explain it to those who wouldn't understand.....

Dreams Compromised?? - Part III - The Beach

I was staring out of the bus window, during one of those innumerable tiring journeys taking me back to home. All of the sudden I remembered the beach - Kovalam Beach. I had almost forgotten that day. Now that Leena and Ashish were leaving for Lucknow, the day came back to me strongly. It was a wonderful day. There were a lot of firsts that day. I walked on a beach amidst rain and a very strong wind. I climbed on top of the lighthouse, and was very scared to step outside. It was my idea to go up that lighthouse and the other three were quite skeptical about it. Taking even one step towards the lighthouse required a lot of effort, such was the wind. But I convinced them to go there.

And I also did see a lady in a bikini for the first time. Two in fact. Maybe even more, but there are only two I can recall. There was one very pretty firangi couple. First we saw them individually and mentioned how lovely a pair would both of them make together. And it turned out that they were a pair. It was a very beautiful day.

I was frantically messaging Avi from the top of the lighthouse. It was a wonderful sight. She told me to wish for anything and write in the sand and watch the waves wash it away. 'It would definitely come true', she had said. I forget what I wrote now. Then at evening we got in a public bus and went back to the city. I would like to go back to that day someday.

On a side note, writing has become painfully exhaustingly tough for me these days. Even when I do have time, writing is the most difficult thing to do now. It's like I can't look at this blog anymore. It just haunts me, and ridicules me. I can't talk to myself these days, that haunts me too. I wanna look myself in the eye, but I can't do that. I have betrayed myself.

Under the spreading chestnut tree
I sold you and you sold me
There lie they, and here lie we
Under the spreading chestnut tree

An Inconsequential Story of Eternity

I met eternity just the other day, and he said that it's about time I told his story to everybody. Existence out of time is often claimed as rubbish claims primarily designed to render the human invention of the clock useless. But what if I told you that somewhere in nowhere, existed a place, which actually does not exist at all, and yet spawns through everything that you can possibly imagine, called Eternity, or more popularly named by the inhabitants - The Eternal Garden!

I haven't been there myself, but by a strange coincidence ran into all the rare escapees from the Garden one after the other. And on one fateful night, Eternity itself called upon me and asked me to bring a pizza and a diet coke along, and then we sat down and talked for a considerable amout of something, which should have been ordinarily classified as time. So, this tale is merely based on all that I understood out of all that I was told.

A long time ago, somewhere in the future, an evil emperor ruled the entire galaxy. The Evil Emperor, who when was a small child, was exposed to a series of movies by George Lucas, called as the first part Star Wars Trilogy. The dvd of the trilogy was somehow dropped by an astronaut from Earth while he was cleaning the windows of the International Space Station. And through bizarre luck, the dvd managed to crash completely safely on a comparitively technologically advanced planet. Such a primitive entertainment device existed only in their rarest archives now. The dvd was also placed among those archives, never to be opened, until one very ominous day. The young mischevious son of the Emperor sneaked into the archives, and he found his way to the dvd, as if the evil dvd had called out his name. The young boy sneaked the dvd home, and with the help of some of his geeky friends managed to play out the movie.

At the end of the three movies, the little boy was no longer a little boy. His life had changed forever. He considered the movie to be a omen in disguise, "deus ex machina" he called it. A sign from the Gods, as to what his destiny is to be. Of course he hadn't seen the second part Trilogy, and only fate can tell what would have been had he seen all the 6 movies. The boy decided that the universe must be taken over, and he gathered all the geeky kids on the planet, and started building weapons of mass destruction. Perhaps George Bush ought to have looked there rather than Iraq. Though there is no recorded evidence of the events, but the chain of events that followed were - the boy murdered his own father and became emperor. Then he started with his own solar system, and destroyed all life on all planets including his own planet, so that he shall not encounter any rebel factions from anywhere.

Finally the little boy arrived to destroy the planet Earth as well. Before he destroyed everyone on the planet, he went down to aquire the second part trilogy of the movie. And then he ordered for the weapons to be fired on Earth. And as life on Earth was being destroyed, the Evil Emperor saw the Star Wars Episode IV to VI. When he had seen them, he was extremely depressed. 'Was it to be this way? That good shall always conquer evil?' But by then he had destroyed all life in the galaxy. Then how shall he be conquered over. Filled with remorse and regret, he ordered that their ship be put on self-destruct. And hence, all life in the galaxy supposedly ended.

But in all this chaos and madness, the Emperor forgot to notice a lone astronaut cleaning the windows of the NEW International Space Station. This astronaut happened to be a descendant of the astronaut who had dropped that evil dvd a long time ago. When all the cleaning was done, the young astronaut went inside the space station and tried to contact Mission Control on Earth. But by then everyone was dead. Infact everyone in the galaxy was dead, and he was the last living thing alive in the galaxy. That didn't occur to him yet. God, who was busy playing dice at that time, suddenly noticed that the prayers on his laptop had stop coming in the frenzy rate they used to come. 'Just ONE unread message!! Thats gotta be an anomaly' God thought.

So, really annoyed at all that happened God himself went down to meet the last person in the Galaxy. The conversation went like this :

God : Emmm, Congratulations you won!
Astronaut : Won? Won what? And who are you?
God : Why, I am God!
Astronaut : You're kidding right!
God : No, I am not!!!!
Astronaut : Ok ok! So you're God!! Gawwwd, I get to meet God!
God : Yes well, as I was saying, ahem, Congratulations you WON!
Astronaut : Yes, well what is it that I won?
God : Ummm, this whole Galaxy really, its all yours now. Lots of people have been trying to own it since its inception, and now its yours.
Astronaut : Well..... what am I gonna do with it??
God : Gonna do with it?? Gonna do with it?? Don't you see I am giving you the GALAXY!!
Astronaut : See, I don't want the galaxy, but isn't there something else you could give me?
God : Hmmmmm, well there is this coveted post that I have long handled since the inception of the galaxy, ummmm why don't you have a go at it.
Astronaut : Post?
God : Yes well, you get to be ETERNITY! Sounds exciting right?
Astronaut : I dunno! How much would you pay me? Its gotta be atleast 50% higher than my last pay.
God : Pay you!?! You get to be Eternity. Everything is yours!
Astronaut : Can we talk in concrete terms. Even my last employer said the whole space station is all yours!! And all I was doing was cleaning windows.

And then after a considerable amount of coaxing and convincing, the astronaut finally became Eternity from the inception of whatever. So as a privelege of being Eternity, he got to own this place which was not existent anywhere in the galaxy, but outside time, just like God's own villa.

But Eternity didn't want to have a villa. He had always longed to live a simple life down in the countryside, with trees and flowers and grass. So, he asked the folks who designed the Garden of Eden, to come up with something similar, and they did a fantastic job. A wonderful garden with wonderful trees of all sorts was now in place. But Eternity himself is not allowed to present in a physical state, so the garden was all empty, while Eternity looked upon it. And very soon, he grew tired of this boring garden. So he devised a way to randomly bring stuff to the Eternal Garden - An eternity sphere which would in things with the help of a vortex.

Then eternity asked the giant serpent Ouroboros who was encircling Earth, to act as a Guardian for the garden. Ouroboros agreed readily, after realising that sooner or later Earthlings would turn their direction heavenwards. So Ouroboros arrived as the guardian, but there was a slight problem, as Ouroboros's main interest was to eat up it's own tail. However Ouroboros convinced Eternity that this would in no way hinder his work as the Guardian. And hence started the Eternity Storms, which is also known as an Eternity Recalculation Moment.

The first eternity storm brought in a little dinosaur, a baby T-Rex, and since time does not exist in the Garden, the baby T-Rex remained a baby T-Rex all his life. The mother T-Rex however grew extremely upset at the mysterious disappearance of her son, and she invited all the dinosaurs to discuss the issue of - Whatever happened to baby T-Rex! And while all dinosaurs gathered at the very same plateau, a giant meteor crashed onto the plateau, wiping out the dinosaurs from the planet. Baby T-Rex was however safely away, playing with Ouroboros and eating apples. An apple a day does keep the doctor away.

After that the eternity storms kept bringing in more and more stuff.

Dreams Compromised?? - Part II : Finding a voice

So, back here again to write. Writing is a pretty tough thing. Its not like I love to write or anything, but its just something I have to do. And then sometimes it happens that trying to write anything becomes a very painful exercise. And I just want to get it out all at a once, without really caring.

So, back to Trivandrum again. On the second day, we were all asked to come and introduce ourselves in front of everybody, and talk about anything we would like to. I had horrible memories of GMCS classes in April. Then I had decided to become invisible and every time I was forced to speak, it went horribly bad. So, I didn't really think it was going to be any different this time. But there were just 21 people this time, and most of them weren't doing that well either. So, finally Smitha called my name, and I walked up the room. I was held up for a minute cos the guy before me was discussing something with Smitha.

Finally I started, and I what I ended up saying was that - I am pretty nervous to come up here and speak, and I am basically a shy person, and so on. And then I decided to do a brief book review of - A Painted House. A easy way to fill up my time. I did pretty well. But I wasn't able to look into the eyes of the people sitting there.

I think I went up there once more that day, in a group activity. But I had very little dialogue then.

It was after the outbound learning experience that I had become comfortable with all of them. And I didn't mind looking silly in front of any of them. So, the next time I went to speak was the McDonald Murder Mystery play. And I was the narrator for our group, plus I had a small role in the end too. So, I added a little humour in the narration in the start. And I just filled up my part in the end, but I was really uncomfortable standing there and moving around. I was kinda the assistant police guy to Vinit. And my job was to call the suspects into the room and say a few lines.

It was the next time that I spoke, that I did really well. It was our group presentation on comparison on TCS with a competitor. Our group of - Vinit, Arif and Swaroop, chose Accenture as a competitor. Our group went last and I was to start the presentation. So when I came in the front, everyone was talking and no one seemed interested in listening to me. So, I just asked them to settle down and let me start. Then I started joking that - I am sure all of you are pretty bored by now it (it had been more than a hour of presentations by now), and you can go have tea/coffee if you want. Then I started my presentation and I spoke really well. Adding some humour and audience participation in it. It was fun. For the first time I felt like I belonged there and I can handle this. After I finished, our presentation was stopped cos the faculty listening to it, had to go.

I spoke once more in class after that. I was sent by my group to speak about the ATM Brochure we made. And Suja was the faculty listening to it. So, we were suppose to come up with a brochure on the opening of the 100th ATM of our bank. So, the brochure didnt have an address of the location, which I didn't think was necessary. But Suja thought otherwise. So, I came up with a wonderful line - We don't have an address cos when the 100th ATM opens, every ATM becomes the 100th ATM, and hence we don't want everyone to turn up on the new ATM, but to go to their nearest ATM. I spoke pretty well then, and I was enjoying being there too.

On the second last day of our ILP, our whole batch had to give a presentation on TCS financials in an auditorium filled with 3 batches of engineers, along with most of our faculty. I didn't want to participate in it, but Vinit wrote my name anyway. And since no one else from Delhi wanted to do it, I had to represent Delhi. So, what happened was that everyone made their slides, and we merged them all together to make the presentation. There were around 40 slides, and there were going to be 8 speakers. I thought 8 was too many, but then my opinion didn't matter. I just had to speak on my 2 slides and go away. But the biggest drama of our ILP was just about to happen.

So, after an hour of getting a feel of the Audi, the crowd began to settle in. And it was very cold in the Audi, and that made all of us even more nervous. Even Vinit confessed to me that he was nervous. So, Vinayak started the presentation in his usual casual funny manner, followed up by Swaroop. His slides were pretty pathetic and he couldn't put them in the right manner. There was a question from somewhere in the back, and we thought - OK, at least they are interested in this presentation. Next was Radhika, and after that Priya. Now after Priya had said her part, that same person in the back, started asking some questions again. And this time Priya was dumbstruck, she didn't expect questions, and she didn't want to take them either. Seeing her helpless, Vinit stood up and tried to answer it. But he didn't seem satisfied. And Vinit signalled to me, to stand up and stand with my part. So, I stood up and had a look at that guy. Pretty old to be a student here, so I thought maybe he was someone from the corporate office in mumbai.

I started nervously, and fumbled with the words. I went ahead with the controversial statement of TCS reducing salaries in Jan'2008. I had barely finished my first slide, when the guy came up with a question - Is the reason for profitability per employee going down this year, the high number of recruitment made by TCS this year? Was that some kind of trick question, I calmly replied - yes, tats the reason! But clearly he wasn't satisfied and said - I think there are other reasons for it! I said - ok, so you could share them with us. And then the whole verbal barrage between us started. He got me really annoyed but I was polite all the way through. I wanted to move on to the next slide, but he wudnt let me. So, I finally decided to have an audience poll. I asked everyone there if they really knew what rupee depreciation meant! One hand came up on the room out of at least 150 associates. I had made my point and badly pissed him off. In between Nisha, one of the faculty members, intervened to push his point through to me. But I was pretty annoyed by then, and I didn't listen to her. hen he provoked me further and I said the line that stretched it a bit too far - They don't need to be rocket scientist to understand that the denominator (no.of employees) is going up faster than the numerator (net profits) is, and hence the profit per employee is going down. He stood up, and searched for a exit where there wasn't one. Annoyed, embarrassed, he came back and down the stairs and shook his hand violently towards the crowd, disapproving of me and the presentation. He left the room and behind him some of the other faculty left too. I was standing there speechless. A few of the faculty told me to keep going. And somehow I stumbled to finish my part.

I sat down, and asked priya sitting next to me - Was I rude? She said - No, u weren't! Meanwhile drama was happening outside the room. Vinit, was called outside, and vinayak followed him behind. And Nisha, Smitha and Alpha started lashing on him. I didn't know what was happening outside, but I knew this guy was someone important and right now Vinit was being bashed up. Finally we finished our presentation and Smitha came up to us and said - Didn't you know who that was? That was Suresh, the Global Inductions Head!!! He wants to have a word with all of you, so please go back to your room, and he might be a little hard on you, so be ready!

So what was the worse he could do me - Fire me! Yeah sure, like I give a damn! So, he came along with Alpha and Smitha. And started making comments on the presentation and on each speaker. He really disapproved of everything. Finally he came to me, and he said something like - And you, you won't stay around long in TCS with such an attitude. If you did something like this at a client place you would have been fired by now. And wat was it that you were trying to prove with audience poll! Hehehe, I would have laughed on any other day, but dunno why I got really sissy about all of it. And my eyes felt a little wet. So, he left and Smitha wanted Alpha to show us how the real presentation should have been done. I was getting even more sentimental every minute. Finally Smitha called me out, and a really embarrassing thing happened. She said she saw me getting a bit touchy about it all. And she asked me if I wanted to meet up Suresh right now. I told her I would meet him later, and went off to the bathroom. My eyes were bloodshot red!! I washed my face, and came out. Devender, one of the mumbai guys who I had a argument with, while going to Kanyakumari, said - Great Sudeep, if I would have been in your place, I would have done the same, and maybe even worse! Support came from all quarters. Even Suja, one of the faculty, came up in class later, and said that she was glad that I was the one to face him, and I did a very good job in the way I handled him. And it was a great learning experience for me.

I later met Suresh and I apologised for no fault of mine. It was a short apology cos I thought I was rude to him. But more embarrassing was Smitha asking me if I was ok, every time I came across her after that. Really pathetic kiddo. And on the final day, we got feedbacks from Nisha, and he lambasted me again for what I did the previous day. Whatever!

But I really enjoyed it all in the end. And I listened to the audio recording of the whole episode and discovered I wasn't rude at all. So, in the end, I can boast of a really awesome thing that I did. And it rounded up the ILP on a wonderful high, and all of us coming together to face an external enemy!!

So, I did find my voice during ILP! And I will always remember it for that. It was a wonderful experience, and though I woudn't wanna join TCS in hindsight, but the ILP will always remain an unforgettable experience.

Dream Compromised?? - Part I

I was reading the alchemist today, nearly 2 years after I had first read it. When I reached the part where the King of Salem is addressing Santiago, it struck me that I had probably missed the real meaning of those words, when I had first read it. It was a wonderful story back then, but now those words seem to trouble me. Hope they will not haunt me in time to come. Did I just believe in the greatest lie in the world that - at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate.

It's been more than a month since I wrote crossroads. Then I was leaving for a journey which I thought would lead me to the unknown. But fate or my decisions, I don't know which, have led me back to my home for now. A lot has happened in this period. There is so much to tell and to write about. I just haven't had the time to sit in front of the computer and write, and even when I have tried, I didn't know where to start. Maybe I should start from the start.

So, on 16th May 2008, I set out for Trivandrum along with the other three people from delhi - Ashish, Leena and Monika. The 3 days in the train kinda passed well, and it was fun. We even made up a hindi movie version of the O'Henry story - The Last Leaf. And me and Ashish almost missed the train twice too. And not to forget that since we only had 3 seats, me and ashish had to squeeze into one at night. But overall it was kinda good. On the morning of the 18th, I also got news from home that my grandfather (my mother's father) had passed away. I decided not to tell anyone, and its sounds weird, but I didnt really feel anything. Maybe I should have felt sad and all, but I just didnt, maybe I am quite a selfish person. Anyway, so we arrived at trivandrum on the 18th, and reached the hotel - Hotel Prasanth. Me and Ashish got the room on 5th floor, while the girls got the room on the 2nd floor. So, by evening all the people for the training had arrived. We first met the first floorers - Arun, Kapil and Viral. And then the guys from our floor, the mumbai guys - Vinit, Vinayak and Mihir. I felt really awkward after exiting from that room. Actually they seemed to fit the image of mumbai guys I had formed, namely - tough, cool and unfriendly people. I was beginning to fear that I had landed at the wrong spot, and I didn't belong there. I even tried sending a SOS to Avi, but her mobile was off. So finally she had changed her number to avoid me, cos I had really creeped her. Well thats what I thought atleast.

We were told the bus would leave for office at 7.30am next morning. Though I woke up at 5am, and outside the window, a neon sign, which I couldn't read without my glasses, was flashing on and off. It kinda reminded me of the "LOVELESS" sign in FF7. Me and ashish thought that everyone wud come down by 8 atleast. So we took our time, and I was watching a very nice movie in the morning - Wide Awake. So at 7.45 we go down, and to our shock, everyone is seated in the bus, waiting for us to come! We got an idea of things to come. There were 21 of us chartered accountants for this training. Most of the people were from mumbai. So, we arrived at a really big and good looking bulding. TCS Technopark! We were led to a classroom of sorts, and then the whole ILP thing started.

In days to come, people of all kinds visited us and bored us with their lectures. There were very cute faces in the faculty as well. And some very nice people too. But most of them were boring. So, if ur gonna ask me what the training was all abt then that would be a really difficult thing to do. And to chronologically set about all the things that happened would be a very tedious things to do. So, maybe I could narrate some of the key flashpoints that happened there in my subsequent posts. And then we would lead to the final question of what the title actually means.

Me is really tired to write. I better sleep.