The Land of the Undead

Wikipedia defines undead as a collective name for mythological beings that are deceased yet behave as if alive. I hereby declare that I have officially turned undead.

It's been terribly hard to drag myself up for anything for the past few days (maybe past few months, possibly past few years). I was suppose to submit this document by the 30th of November, the non-submission of which would render my exam-result useless. But I even had no regard for that, and somehow managed to drag myself today to submit it. The lady on the counter informed me that I was 6 days late. I told her to take it anyway, and told her I was sick so I cud'nt be here earlier. Pathetic. Anyway, so this shows my complete disregard for any kind of consequences of my current actions on my future life. I think I turned crazy.

Someone from my office called me up and asked me where I was, and the only thing I could say was - Right now, I am nowhere!! I told them I have viral fever, and I am not going to come for a few days. I am just finding terribly hard to drag myself to office, and do some stupid work there. So when will I decide that my viral is over? I don't know, lets say till monday atleast. But the fact remains that I have been extremely lethargic and dead.

Everybody seems to know what they want from life, and where they are going in life, or what they think they are doing. I don't seem to know any of this. It's a completely purposeless life. There is no sense of direction, there is no sense of destination, and there is not even a sense of existence. I think I have gone crazy. I am unable to commune with normal people. What should I talk to normal people about? There is nothing to say at all.

I see these three guys in the institute wearing striped shirt and ties and shoes, talking boisterously, like all corporate employees probably do. One of them sports a goatee. Would you want a goatee? Noooo! Do you like to wear ties? Naahh I hate ties. What about striped shirts? I wouldnt look good in them. What about shoes? I havent wore shoes for almost an year now, and when I did a couple of weeks back, the back of the ankle was bleeding. So, how am I possibly going to get a good job. I don't know. It's such a stupid world anyhow, and why do I have to be part of this stupid world. Why isnt the darwin's theory working on me, lighting should have struck me by now!! Don't know how God works anyhow.

I am probably one of the hardest persons to meet. There are school friends who got annoyed by me, cos they thought I was specifically avoiding them. I wasnt really. Thats just me. I don't go out much. Its like dragging your body out. Why would you wanna meet me? What would I possibly have to tell you that could interest you and what could you possibly tell me that could interest me? And since I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, it becomes all the more painful, to drag myself to the bus stand. Sheeesh, they probably think I am a crazy studious kid. Yeah, I know thats my image, I am at home studying. Yeah sure, I can't explain and you will not understand. But who cares anymore, I am slowly learning the art of saying NO. NO! NO! NO! I refuse to go to places that make me feel stupid. I refuse to go any kind of family functions, birthday parties and stuff like that. I refuse to be a part of this world. They say refusal always results in choas, and we should accept things to be at ease. But I am somehow finding that very difficult.

These places and people make me feel uneasy. I would'nt want to tell them my crap, and so it turns out to be such a silent exercise, of watching people joke, laugh and stuff like that. Yeah, sure so why do we want me to watch this nonsense, when I could stay home and listen to music and stare at the ceiling. Thats probably better. Atleast I am not jealous of the ceiling!! I think I turned crazy. And the fact is that, I am literally undead. I have closed behind me all kind of social doors one by one. And I smell rebellion inside me. But a new place is new only for a week. Am I ready to take on this world? No!! I am not!! So what do you see then, nothing... zip... blank.... nothing. There is no commitment for anything at all.

People want to achieve a lot of things in life. They set goals for themselves. Some of us just want to achieve life I guess. To make some meaning out of this life. When you refuse to lie and the truth is not worth telling, then what do you get? You get a crazy person like me!!! Emide said I was an observer, but what good is an observer? It's not like you are doing something, is it. It's not like you are involved in something. You are just hanging around, watching the world go by. You know I fixed some deadlines last year, I was suppose to be somewhere by this year. And nothing has changed. I am going to be 24, I don't feel 24, I need some time. If you are going to be a rebel, atleast stand up to yourself, so that when you look in the mirror, you can see yourself, and not someone else.......