Getting engaged....

I am finally getting engaged soon. Its not really how I imagined it would be. I have had a really horific week.

One day it was yes, the other it was not. I contemplated so much. I thought so many ways to get out of this one. I even thought about declaring that I am gay (for now atleast!). That would give me lots of years. I could just come back later and say that I lied. That would have been really rebellious, and my alter ego would have been really proud of me. I would have packed my bags and left for Chennai/Tanzania.

I have had so many discussions on this with so many people. I can't do another one now. My mom was literally crying. And my other alter ego had declared me the shallowest person on Planet Earth. And I even thought about jumping off the rooftop. But that would have been really selfish. And the person I am getting married to seems like such a unselfish, normal, dedicated kinda person. Thats scary for me. Not that its not good, but its just kinda something kinda.

I never thought and I still dont think that I can survive the ordeals of a marriage process. Gosh, its giving me a lot of jitters already. And a part of me is telling me to run away from all this. Ofcourse its gonna cause a hell lot of pain to my mom. Thats just whats holding me back I guess. Why do I have to think about it so much?

I feel like I compromised with my dreams. Avi was so much braver than me. It would have been nice talking to her. I guess she would have helped me clear my head. But she kinda left me on my own. I don't know why. Maybe she died. How would I ever know? Gosh I wish I could turn the time back a little back now. Another moment added. Maybe to last sunday. Maybe to First week of January. Maybe to December 2nd. Maybe to October last week.

Its weird but I might have been in Chile, and I might have died in the earthquake too. I missed that opportunity.

I've acted so impulsively lately. I could still come up with a plan if you want me to. The Gay Act is going to fail cos I confided someone in it. Then there is the Scare Girl Act. And the Runaway Act. That reminds me of the movie the Runaway Bride.

Gosh, I really realize now, how big a thing marriage is. It's like Bigger than anything. I mean there are so many choices we make that we define our lives. So many If's. Like maybe if I chose Science rather than commerce, I might have been a great engineer. Or I might have died during ragging. But then that was somehow smaller than this. And I even tried to explain to the girl that I was quite confused. But she somehow didn't seem confused. Gawd! How can you not be confused about this. I don't think she will really understand me. But yeah then not many people have. I could count them on my fingers, and I wouldn't need 5 of them.

So is this what I was destined for Dear God? Was this the purpose of my stupid life? Tell me I didn't just give up my life like this. I really like to meet you now. It's been so unfair on me. I really hell like to meet you now. Could you please come up to meet me. You know Sudeep, please meet me in another life now, and tell me how sorry you were for messing my life up. I really really really really really really really really really really hate you Sudeep. You sold me out again... maybe for the last time... unrepairably....