The Caverns of Despair

There is a state of unrest which is beyond comprehension. It is a mixed feeling of drowsiness, guilt, discontent, madness and the same time a strange feeling of satiation. It is almost like there is nothing left to do, and what you would rather do is die. Not wake up in the morning. You would love to not wake up in the morning. It is difficult to have your eyes open and when you close your eyes, you see devils hovering. They are claiming your soul, scavenging on what is left of your sanity. And then you feel completely lost, falling through everything, unaware of what is around you. All you can feel is those strange, shining lights in the distance. They look marvelous. And if for a second you are stupid enough to hold out your hand to feel them, to grab them, to be a part of that light, you find that those lights are going farther away, refuting your claim. They are mocking at you and what is worse is that they might even burn your hand. And you wait quietly in your cavern, hoping that you would last your days there. It would be painful, watching all those dreams die in that cavern, but it’s a feeling long endured, and now that you are speechless and your eyes have lost all sense of innocence and you can’t recognize yourself in the mirror. Your mental self image still wants to hold on to that image long lost, and you don’t think you have the courage to take that away from yourself. No, you can’t, why, I don’t know. Maybe it’s a treasure, maybe it’s a curse, maybe both. You think you want to say something but it won’t come out right and as you fumble to find light in that cavern, something you can call you own, you realize that you might hate this place as much as you love it. Would you prefer another cavern? But what difference would it make. I don’t see any, maybe you could tell me some day when we do move to a new cavern. And now that you have lost all sense of day and night, life seems to be less painful. And you want to comfort yourself with false beliefs. You think they will make your stay worthwhile. Beware! Don’t be foolish to drag another living creature in this living hell of yours. And as you face contempt from even those bats hanging upside down on the roof, you realize that a quick blow might be decisive.

Then you think about what is this life for. And if you are courageous enough then maybe you can go hunt outside. You should go. That is what common sense says. But what will you do when you are beyond all sense. And occasionally all those points that have passed you in life flash before your eyes. Could I have stayed at that point? Could I have changed my fate at that point? Is this a point in life? Don’t be tempted by those glowering lights. It’s a mirage, when you go out to find them, they will vanish and you will be in a desert. This desert is vast, you don’t know where it starts or where it ends, but it keeps flowing like an ocean. And you are stranded on a plank of wood, looking out for ships. No ship is coming to save you! No angel is coming to help you out! And don’t mistake the albatross for an angel, though it may seem angelic, it will lead you to your downfall.

Do you still have the courage to keep your eyes open? You are scared to look inside because all you will see is darkness and emptiness. You are scared to ask why? The seers say that you must not let that darkness take over your life. How? You don’t know the way, but that is not because your vision is clouded, but because you are sure there is no way. I remember the starting words of a song – It’s a lonely road that you chosen, morning comes and you don’t want to know me anymore. Each morning makes the burden difficult and you feel entrapped. Will they forgive you, will you forgive yourself, and will you redeem all those dreams somehow?