THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindu's, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations.

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B thegoods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as give seach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.

CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe than those of his neighbor.

COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure.

EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.