Saturday, May 19, 2007

Keane : Words Say It All

Walnut Tree

Once, there was a great storm
Pushed my head beneath the waves
I was gone
Underneath the walnut tree
Where you said you'd wait for me
And I waited, a long long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
Why, why do I come here
Seeking out the memories
I hold dear?
Cos you put your spell on me
Made me live in memory
And I'm frozen, in just the wrong time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time


He said everything so simply. In words that I was searching for. And they say it all. They just need to be heard I guess. I needed to be heard I guess. But I didnt have the words. He had them. How did he get them??
Why?? Why do I come here?? Such a wonderful question that is. We must all seek inside to answer that. And most of us wouldnt know the answer to that question. Cos maybe there isnt an answer to that question. Maybe something drags us back to the same old points in life. Something we cling on to and never want to let go. And we wait eternally for something that will never happen. And maybe the storm has long passed but we refuse to accept that it has. We wish the storm would last forever and so perhaps we can dwell in those waters which we proudly call our sanctuary. Look outside though - the storm has ceased. And now the walnut tree bears fruit once more, but winter isnt far away. And then............

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The Caverns of Despair

There is a state of unrest which is beyond comprehension. It is a mixed feeling of drowsiness, guilt, discontent, madness and the same time a strange feeling of satiation. It is almost like there is nothing left to do, and what you would rather do is die. Not wake up in the morning. You would love to not wake up in the morning. It is difficult to have your eyes open and when you close your eyes, you see devils hovering. They are claiming your soul, scavenging on what is left of your sanity. And then you feel completely lost, falling through everything, unaware of what is around you. All you can feel is those strange, shining lights in the distance. They look marvelous. And if for a second you are stupid enough to hold out your hand to feel them, to grab them, to be a part of that light, you find that those lights are going farther away, refuting your claim. They are mocking at you and what is worse is that they might even burn your hand. And you wait quietly in your cavern, hoping that you would last your days there. It would be painful, watching all those dreams die in that cavern, but it’s a feeling long endured, and now that you are speechless and your eyes have lost all sense of innocence and you can’t recognize yourself in the mirror. Your mental self image still wants to hold on to that image long lost, and you don’t think you have the courage to take that away from yourself. No, you can’t, why, I don’t know. Maybe it’s a treasure, maybe it’s a curse, maybe both. You think you want to say something but it won’t come out right and as you fumble to find light in that cavern, something you can call you own, you realize that you might hate this place as much as you love it. Would you prefer another cavern? But what difference would it make. I don’t see any, maybe you could tell me some day when we do move to a new cavern. And now that you have lost all sense of day and night, life seems to be less painful. And you want to comfort yourself with false beliefs. You think they will make your stay worthwhile. Beware! Don’t be foolish to drag another living creature in this living hell of yours. And as you face contempt from even those bats hanging upside down on the roof, you realize that a quick blow might be decisive.

Then you think about what is this life for. And if you are courageous enough then maybe you can go hunt outside. You should go. That is what common sense says. But what will you do when you are beyond all sense. And occasionally all those points that have passed you in life flash before your eyes. Could I have stayed at that point? Could I have changed my fate at that point? Is this a point in life? Don’t be tempted by those glowering lights. It’s a mirage, when you go out to find them, they will vanish and you will be in a desert. This desert is vast, you don’t know where it starts or where it ends, but it keeps flowing like an ocean. And you are stranded on a plank of wood, looking out for ships. No ship is coming to save you! No angel is coming to help you out! And don’t mistake the albatross for an angel, though it may seem angelic, it will lead you to your downfall.

Do you still have the courage to keep your eyes open? You are scared to look inside because all you will see is darkness and emptiness. You are scared to ask why? The seers say that you must not let that darkness take over your life. How? You don’t know the way, but that is not because your vision is clouded, but because you are sure there is no way. I remember the starting words of a song – It’s a lonely road that you chosen, morning comes and you don’t want to know me anymore. Each morning makes the burden difficult and you feel entrapped. Will they forgive you, will you forgive yourself, and will you redeem all those dreams somehow?

Lost soul or maybe no sleep or maybe something else

I dont feel sleepy at all...............I....Its 1:24am, I dont think I have been up this late for a long long time. I dont feel sleepy.

I wandered off somewhere wrong today....and was mislead for a moment....I have no clue what I am saying.

But I wanna say something but the words wont come out right. I am so tired, I wish I wud sleep and never ever wake up again......

I am falling and this fall is not breaking up, I need it to stop, I need to find a ledge. But there are no ledges, there are none. I have looked around and now I am tired. My brain tells me to stop looking for ledges.

I am so scared....its getting so dark and murky....oh my god......I am really scared. We all get one life and look what have I done!!! Oh my god! Am I to fall all eternity and watch everything go past me in flashes....beautiful these flashes are indeed but they are not mine.....I am losing my soul, maybe I dont even have one anymore. Oh those flashes they look beautiful, but.......

I want to stop or maybe I want it to end. Maybe both. Maybe none. Maybe something. Maybe nothing. I dont know what I want. And that is scary. Am I mad? I dont know. I try to say words but they are drying up, everything is drying up. Oh my god! I cant, I must, I have to! Noooooo!

Oh those beautiful flashes and what of me? Am I a flash to someone too? I dont know! As I cannot see beyond my perimeter. No I cant. I see darkness and I am losing everything. I dont have anything left. And it so scary. What am I worried of? I know the answer, but I cannot tell myself that. No! I cant! I am sorry.

Oh everything is not my fault! Or maybe it is. Everything should go well and I wanna be redeemed in this life, or maybe I will burn in the cauldrons of hell and maybe my soul will wander on this earth for as long as Cain.

If only I could tell myself what worries me. Oh its so much and yet so little. Shall I run off and be a coward or stand up and watch those flashes and be illusioned that I am being brave by opening my eyes. Oh those flashes!

I can write. And no one can take that away!

And I need to finish that letter one day but that hardly matters anymore and that wud be last on the list of my worries. Oh but those flashes. And does something flash from there too? Yes! Yes it does. And as the song plays - One way or another I am gonna find ya, I remember that day. And though its been time but those flashes keep reminding of a distant happiness that is just a flash.

Oh there is hardly any of that flash. Oh they are there in the distance. Oh god!!!

Nokia 6610 - LOSSTT!!

That black shiny nokia phone is lost!! Seems like yesterday that I bought it!! Well it fell on almost every day but never broke down...no repairs....and never ever lost before....gone now forever!!

Lots of memories with that one...lots....gprs...airtel trak-ur-mate....lots....

I guess I wanted to save it forever....and remember those times for ever...sapna....definitely.... and its gone now.... I felt like crying when I realised it was gone and I was teary eyed. Pathetic... it was just a cell phone...

I just wish I cud have it back in my hands...black...withered but still sturdy.. Had it for nearly two years now and it was like a logical extension of me.... boy I wish I cud have it back

This is the end of all things.... gprs.... yahoo mail... and the times I had it with me are all in the memories... boy I am so emotional about a mobile ... what the hell.... maybe I might just find it and if I dont then no Mr.I-pod on saturday... we're gonna buy - Nokia 5200!!

Bye Bye 6610.. black... withered...and still alive

The End of 2006

Well its about to get over! The end of an year. The end seems no different from how it actually started out. It seems not so long ago that it started out and yet this has been in many ways the longest year of my life. Though technically all years are 365 days (barring leap years).

Well I really dont know what to say....But I have to write something. There are times when you cant do anything and you realise that somethings will never change. The core of me will never change I guess. But its these experiences that give directions to a life.

How did it start? It was a pathetic start to the year actually. Very bad new year day. What followed in the next monthswasnt good either. It was the worst year of my life.

But I just remember that song....Everybody's got something they had to leave behind....I cant find ways to leave you behind....I never found the words to say, you're the one I think about each day!

I really do!! Its just incredible. It wasnt my fault......maybe it was. I dont know.

Somehow it was difficult to give something up the first time and now I feel I can give up anything or anyone and it wouldnt hurt me. Nope. All those horrible days I waited. And I was an idiot. And then people using me for their own purposes. I dont know which was worse.

But next year will have to be the best year of my life. I have to finish my CA. And we start from tomorrow. And no more computer or orkutting or being here. This is it. I have to realise some of my dreams. And I cant loose myself. Somehow it will be difficult to trust people.

Lets be serious and do things right this year. And so that my mind doesnt shout - You're an idiot!! Yup! And work hard this year to make things work. We cant undo our decisions in life but we can try to move forward and try to salvage what is left of our dreams. And besides that was never a part of my original dreams. It just happened to connect beautifully and integrate into them.

So maybe God will be kind to be this year. And I leave everything to him. I didnt do anything wrong and it was not my intention. And maybe some day I will explain that. No more sack of rotten potatoes. Lets get going. 2007 - the year when I overcame my demons and won a losing race!!!

Very Superstitious

Now this levis ad comes along....a guy steals a jeans from a balcony and puts it on. And that is where the fun starts...Apparently he starts doing things that the owner of the jeans is doing!! Pelvic thrusts at that too! The owner enjoying with his girlfriend and the people in the metro get to see the action from the poor thief!! Ha! And so the guy finally decides to give up and put the jeans back. The best thing is the song that plays in the backgroud - Superstition by Stevey Wonder. Cool song....Very superstitious...writing's on the wall!!!!

Very superstitious, writings on the wall,
Very superstitious, ladders bout to fall,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin glass
Seven years of bad luck, the good things in your past.
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition aint the way
Very superstitious, wash your face and hands,
Rid me of the problem,
do all that you can,Keep me in a daydream,
keep me goin strong,
You dont wanna save me, sad is my song.
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition aint the way, yeh, yeh.
Very superstitious, nothin more to say,
Very superstitious, the devils on his way,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin glass,
Seven years of bad luck, good things in your past
When you believe in things that you dont understand,
Then you suffer,Superstition aint the way, no, no, no

Bedshaped - Keane

There is this song by an English Band - Keane from their album Hopes and Fears. Its the video of the song combined with the video that make the complete effect. Strangely enough I could somehow relate to that naked character stumbling down those steps unable it seems to cope up with everything around him. And was he still fighting his demons or had he given up on them is for him to say.....I really want to make a guess but it may be inappropriate...What do I know? What do I know? I know!!

He feels everyone can see right through him and see him naked....and stumbling down those steps and what seems the death of a spirit...and it seems he find he is more comfortable in that underground hiding place of his..unwilling to go up again....and why should he...

But that silly cat gives him hope and he thinks its enough for him to conquer all those devils inside him....no...they have been there too long....its going to take more than a cat and clothes for him to come up those steps again....he falls again.....

And does he pray or does it happen with divine intervention is something which again I cannot fathom....if he would pray then he would need to have a soul for that....u cannot pray without a soul....and if u wish for miracles then u need to have hope....without hope there can be no miracles....

So a miracle happens and the wall behind him erupts into white light and he finds himself in a new dimension....and he can see him shadow....after a long time I presume and perhaps even his creator....does that symbolise death....or defeat....Maybe death....

So he didnt really conquer his fears and thats not a start for him...he ran away.....he lost....a miracle happened and he finds himself far away from a place where his demons would haunt him!!! SO its not a start as Avi said....definitely not....

Marry Christmas!!

Its 11.58, but still im wishing u cos now party is gonna start! Hope christmas brings u lots and lots lots of happiness! Marry christmas....

Sorry but i cant MARRY christmas. I wont and u cant force me too. JK...

Ha ha ha!!!!

And now i am thinking of marrying christmas. Whats her number.

Shut up!!!

What if i dont shut up?

If u dont shut up Ill tell santa clause not to give u any christmas presents!!!

Well unfortunately santa doesnt listen to u. Santa is sick so ill be delivering tonight and blore is definitely not on my route.

U giving the presents to all the ppl in the world!Please!! Dont ull spoil the christmas.. I wished for a great internal paper which i can write and for even greater external paper, and some other stuff......What did u ask??

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindu's, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations.

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B thegoods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as give seach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.

CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe than those of his neighbor.

COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure.

EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.

Right Here Waiting For You

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
#
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
#
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Waiting for you
####
Richard Marx

DON'T QUIT - GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION

Don't QuitWhen things go wrong,
as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low and the debts are high;
And you want to smile,
but you have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit...
Rest if you must,
but you don't quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar....
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit....
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

When I was One and Twenty One

When I was one and twenty one
I heard a wise man say,
"Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;
give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free,
"But I was one and twenty,
No use to talk to me
# #
When I was one and twenty
I heard him say again,
"The heart out of the bosom
was never given in vain;
Tis paid with sighs a plenty
and sold for endless rue,"
And I am two and twenty
And oh, tis true, tis true
#
----A.E.Housman

New Ties Old Ties.....But where is the suit ?

I didnt think of that title before hand...But its good I guess... So what was I to say...I dunno... Whatever happened back then is over and everyone deserves a fresh start and this is it and I wanna start fresh. And as someone said - being angry is like carrying a sack of potatoes..they rot and still u dont keep carrying them on ur back. Why would I wanna do that... No way... its so stupid but somehow somethings will always be close to you no matter what... Its not the duration that matters, its probably the connection. I dunno... And what about those new ties... I am scared to be honest but I am probably calmer now than I was last year and a lot more matured... Ha!! I dunno... But I am not looking for anyone now... I promised that to myself... Whatever happens... WHO CARES?

Never Sang My Songs

Never sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Never said my words
Wishing they would be heard

I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you
Maybe yes, maybe no

I kind of liked it your your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Oh, did you ever know?
That I had mine on you

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down

Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer


So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast

And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is

How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming.....

The Search for the Sunken Shoe

A ship sinks, a boat sinks, a whole fleet sinks and sometimes just a shoe sinks. Sometimes the shoe remains sunk and sometimes someone fishing finds it. But that may take days, months and sometimes even years. And have you ever thought what the shoe is thinking all that time, waiting to be retrieved from the waters it has been condemned to. I don’t know what a sunken shoe thinks because I have never met one. But I do have a fair idea of what it would think and I only have to confirm my beliefs.My life is sinking. I don’t know why. But more importantly has it sunk or is it sinking. I am not sure. If a shoe were sinking how would it know how far it has gone down. Surely it wouldn’t have known that beforehand. Every meter it goes down it would feel that the end is near. As for me, I am no shoe. But I do wish I were a shoe.

I Dunno

The matter of good and bad is a mere perception. But it’s important what you feel when you are alone. If you can shut your conscious and lock it up in a trunk then that’s just great, but for those who can’t, it’s a tough road to tread. I agree that no one is just Good or bad. And it’s not as easy as classifying people into those two broad categories. It’s important to know what is right and wrong, but sometimes that mere knowledge or at least the thought of it can make one’s decision’s delayed and deliberated for too long. And once it’s too late, it’s too late. Every thing needs to occur in a specific time period for it to be effective and once that time has passed one can do nothing but look back and wonder – what if?

A way...Maybe Forgotten

If I dont find a way no one will. I cant let it drift. I can't let my life go down the drain. I know I don't know what I am looking for. But then who does. Or do they really know what they want. No! They are all pretending, everyone is insecure. I just can't give up. Not right now.Take these broken wings and learnn to fly againAnd learn to sing and be so free....

I am No DUDE !?!!??!

I said that then....I say it now...I dont wanna find that excerpt....its not hard to find...but it will be hard to read. I didnt lie...I am no dude...The Da changed to Dude and so much more changed after that. Those dude's are not difficult to find. And I guess she found all the dudes she wanted. No offense intended. She asked what was wrong in calling me dude. I just dont like being called that. Its just not me......I guess she knows that.....I still dont know why....

What are you looking for?

I ask you this...I dont know...It was a very simple question WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, HERE, IN THIS DYING WORLD.....I didnt have an asnwer. Why should success be measured in monetary terms. Or maybe social terms. But that concept could be deep rooted and even if you dont want what everybody wants, do you have the courage to deny yourself from what you perhaps deserve just because you think you dont want it. Maybe you could need it. Would having it make you guilty. Would not having it make you jealous. But do I truly know what I am looking for. I really dont know and that question comes back time and again to haunt me...Maybe I am not looking for anything and maybe you never know what you are looking for till you get it...maybe....